Thursday, March 3, 2011

What is the Delay?

I don't wear headbands
or pearl earrings, but
you get the picture.
Before we discuss the matter at hand, I just want to fill you in on what's been going on here at Blog Central in regard to site construction/ management/ upgrades.  First, at the end of the post, you will notice you can now Facebook "like" it.  Oh, you didn't notice that?  Yeah, it's because I can't get it to link up.  But, maybe it will make you feel good to know that as you scrolled down to look, I was laughing and thinking "made you look."

There are several other things I am trying to do to make the page look awesome and professional and like it's run by a real grown-up.  I will be sure to let you know when that real grown-up shows up to help.

People have said that they have had trouble posting comments.  I am not sure why, but there seems to maybe be some connection to what server you are using or if you are on a smartphone versus a computer.  I have taken down the "type in this weird word" requirement to post in hopes that will help.  Donkeys to College has a Facebook page, so you can go over there if you are having a problem and want to let me know.  Or if you just want to come hang out and play.

Back to business...So, today as usual I was struck at the absolute slowness of my children.  There is nothing physically wrong with them, so I can only assume there is some sort of neurological/ synapse-firing issue that makes them unable to move at a normal speed.  And by normal I mean faster than almost frozen.

In our version of the story the
turtle would still lose because
he was still in the car.
 For instance, every morning I wake up Girl in enough time to get ready for school and eat.  For those of you wondering, that is 45 minutes.  She does not shower in the morning.  She does not wear make-up.  All she has to do is brush her teeth, put her hair in a pony tail and get dressed.  That should not take 40 minutes.  She arrives downstairs in enough time to be annoyed with me that she has to rush to eat and get to the bus.  I also forgot to add that she is unpleasant to wake up and not that much better by the time she comes downstairs.

Neither child (nor my husband for that matter) is capable of  getting the heck out of the car in anything resembling a reasonable amount of time.  I get out of the car, get my bag, close the door walk through the garage and am hanging my coat up and taking my shoes off in the laundry room before anyone else is even out of the car.  I honestly don't know what the hold up is.  Sometimes I am already sitting down with a soda and a snack before they are all the way in.

This trait is more annoying in a parking lot when it is cold and/or raining.  I do not have the desire to stand in the weather waiting for you to get out.  JUST GET OUT OF THE CAR!  I can't just walk away because my car doors will not lock until all the doors are closed.  The remote does not work if I get too far away - like already in the store.  I even try to move extra slow getting out, but they are still slower.

Homework is also a slow endeavor.  Thankfully, I don't have to get too involved.  Boy takes all day/evening to do his homework because he take a 15 minute break for every 10 minutes of work, far as I can tell.  I can't complain too much, because he does get it done and he does have good grades, but good Lord it's painful to watch.

Husband has the ability to be (impressively) fast.  He can take a shower, gel his hair and get dressed in under 10 minutes.  Even if I didn't have to do hair and make-up, my mind wanders in shower so under 10 minutes would never happen.  But, I digress.  As fast as he can be to start from scratch, it takes him a half hour to change out of his work clothes.  I am pretty sure that is has to with the fact that he partially disrobes and watches TV on the bed until I call up to see what he's doing.  He claims to be getting changed, which he's not.  He's watching TV (which he claims he's not).

LET'S GO please... 
while we're young!

So you see, yet another reason I need to have a whistle.


  1. Are you telling me they will never get faster? My four year old spends and eternity on the toilet. I will make him go (why, I don't know) first thing in the morning. Half an hour later, he has only peed and he is still sitting in the same spot. Doing what? I don't know. I was hoping it would get better as he got older. You are not leaving me much hope.

  2. Editors note to Mom on a Line - there is still hope. Your children may grow up to be less ridiculous than mine. Best of luck. :)

    PS - I do not recommend breath holding.

  3. I have the same problem with my offspring. And a similar problem with the adults in my family. It's some sort of in-store mind-control shopping slowness that overtakes them as soon as they hit the door. I must have some kind of natural immunity because I'm the only person in my family that can walk into the store, pick up the one item I need, and leave. You do not have to spend three hours walking up and down every single aisle to get can opener!! That's why I always try to go shopping alone.

  4. Yes! Get out of the friggin' car! I am TOTALLY with you on that one! I can't hit the lock button until you're out, and I can't go inside until I've locked the car! MOVE!!!! Did they just meet me today???n CLY

  5. daughter #1 must do a social studies project regarding current events. i am hoping "donkeys to college" qualifies because you are certainly on the brink of major breakthroughs in how to get your family to behave as expected. if that doesn't qualify, we may have to resort to crazy charlie sheen. xoxo bc

  6. Or just lock the doors while you are standing in the garage and while they are still working on unbuckling the seat belt and see how they like spending the night in a locked car.

  7. As usual, Donkey Girl, you have made my week!

  8. My stars, are we long lost twins? I can be out of the car (arms loaded 'till they're screaming in pain with shopping bags, purses, and the mail), have the door unlocked, my arms unloaded, and open the dog's crate before even one child enters the house.

    And shopping? I have given up getting out of the car before my children do. Otherwise, I'd probably be at the checkout line before they got into the damn store.

  9. i think it's always funny to see women commenting on the behavior of men, as if you could ever hope to understand one, or on the mental equivalent of a man, aka, a child...

    give it up. girls take forever to get dressed because it's a process. processes take time and you can't rush them, whether there are 3 or 23 steps in the process.

    boys, and their older, but mental equivalents, aka, men, take a long time to get changed because relaxation is a PROCESS, and it takes time--you can't rush relaxation, as this is counterintuitive to the natural order of the world. and when you try to change how men do these most basic of processes, it causes us to try to feel the need to reinforce our dominance in other areas of life, which typically leads to wars, famine, pestilence, affairs and bastard children...

    so see, let him take his time getting changed--don't complain that the kids take too long to get ready or get out of the car--it's like trying to teach a pig to sing. it doesn't work, and it annoys the pig...

    signed, as always,

    anonymously rob, from atlanta...

  10. Dear Anonymous Rob,

    I will ignore most of what you said because I see that you are again off the meds.

    Also because you used one of my favorite quotes.

    xo The Management

  11. You could make the mistake I did, although your children are too old to play this game and SB probably wouldn't have joined in because she's a female. Give them each a 'turn' at unlocking the door. This adds fighting and screaming as soon as we pull into the driveway. Two children race to the door, fighting over the keys like wolves, while the other remains in the car, accepting that it truly is NOT his turn, pouting. There is also the added fun of trying to push each other off the front porch....


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