Thursday, March 31, 2011

Really? You Don't Say.

Remember, beauty
 is in the eye of
the beer holder.
On the radio today I heard there was a study done that shows good-looking people are happier and more content that average-looking or ugly people.  Also, these people tend to date and marry other good-looking people and make more money at their jobs.  Before we discuss this study, let me point out, once again, that cancer still remains uncured.  But, it's good we are putting time and effort into studies that remind us how happy and well-off beautiful people are.

Okay, so do you think the researcher or the respondent rated the level of beauty?  If I say I am miserable, but rate myself as good-looking, do you think the researcher marked off on his form "Respondent is unaware that she is not that good-looking.  She is the right amount of happy for her looks."  Honestly, think about it.  How could you objectively rate who is pretty and who is not?  What about ugly people who are happy and think they are good-looking?  I could go on all day here about the flawed science.  This study really only serves to remind us that beautiful people always get all the benefits and are a pain in our collective asses.  Please note, that if you are reading this and are beautiful, I don't mean you.

These people are happy
because they are poor
 and don't expect much. 
 One wing is enough for them.
Next up on the "it's hard to be fabulous" list is the unhappy air traveller.  A survey shows that wealthy air travellers are more dissatisfied with the crappy way airlines have been treating people than the less wealthy people (aka - the rest of us).  Seems that people who make 100k or more a year are twice as unhappy as those who make 50k or under.  The gist of the article seems to be that rich people feel more entitled to and are more used to good service when they fly and don't like being nickled and dimed and treated like they are unimportant.  The lesser affluent people are already used to being treated like crap, so they are not all that fazed by being charged to check their bags or being practically on the lap of the person next to them thanks to ridiculously small seats.  So I think what we have here is a case of "the bigger they are, the harder they fall."

In a related topic, we have some Not News.  For those of you just joining us, Not News is "news" that is really just filler and doesn't tell you anything that is not obvious or already known.  It is usually delivered very seriously and solemnly, in an attempt to make you think it's important.  I know there is nothing as compelling today as hearing that rich and beautiful people are more special than the rest of us, but it should annoy you to know that people are making money writing about this stuff:

Charlie Sheen does not seem to be able to get a hotel room in New York.  Rumor has it he's not such a good guest.

It was revealed that Elizabeth Taylor had a genetic mutation that caused the  double row of eyelashes she had (who knew).  Most people are not beauty-enhanced by this, as was Elizabeth.  This mutation can also cause lots of other disorders (that were listed) that are very serious, none of which Elizabeth had.  Good to know.

It's all fun and games until
someone finds wheat in
their pizza.
Trader Joe's is recalling one of their pizza products because the spice blend in it contains wheat and it isn't listed in the ingredients.  Hello - it's pizza!  Regular, non wheat-free pizza.  If you are eating pizza, you don't have a wheat issue, so who cares if the spices have wheat and you didn't know.  You already knew it was a wheat product.  Whistle.

There is currently nothing else at this time that needs to be discussed (except maybe the fact that I have used yet another picture of pizza), but I will get back to you as soon as something comes to mind or someone needs to be whistled at.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson

Note the fades and that
this was probably the
last time Jazz had
his name first.
I am pretty sure I could win American Idol.  Yes, you heard right, I could win American Idol.  I would of course need to perform in my shower.   First off, in my shower (and really the entire bathroom) the age limit is much higher.  Right away, this helps me quite a bit.  Also, in my shower, I can sing any genre.  While I am partial to R&B and Motown, I also do a bang up job with rap, pop and rock.  I am very versatile.  Oh, and I also am really good at the guitar.  Air guitar, of course.  You can't just bring an electric guitar into the shower.  Duh.

I get a ton of practice because it takes me forever when I take a shower.  Once I start to give a concert, I can't just get stop and get out.  I have to finish the set.  You can't just leave the audience hanging.  And don't forget the encores.  The only thing that really cuts a show short is when the shuffle on my iPod gets to the end.  I can do a capella, but that doesn't really sell once you are in the top 10 on American Idol.  You really need a big production.

I can do all the parts
equally well.
I do sometimes practice in the car.  That's a little harder because you can't really move around and belt out your songs quite the same way.  Also, there was an "incident" awhile back that has left me a little gun shy.  My cell phone had disconnected while I was trying to leave a message for a friend.  Or so I thought.  When it cut out, I figured I would just talk to her later.  So, I started singing.  Very loudly.  You should know that the louder I sing (in the car, the shower is different) the more off key I am.  It's just me and in my head I sound good, so who cares?  Well, let's just say after laughing her ass off, my friend assures me that she erased the "message" off her answering machine.  I am not giving her name because if she hasn't and she should go missing, I don't want there to be any clues.

As you know, I am not on this season's American Idol (too cutting edge I guess).  I just watched last week's show in preparation for the next episode tomorrow.  Here is what I want you to take note of and help explain (all thoughts on the matter are welcome):

1.  Why does Randy Jackson have what looks to be a black circle sticker for a "beard" on the tip of his chin?

2.  Why does Jennifer Lopez (who is so pretty) wear eye shadow and blush that looks like she broke into someone's 70's make-up and let Helen Keller put it on for her?

3.  What is going on with Steven Tyler and the lech routine and why does he look like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean (and not in a good way)?

4.  Casey Abrams is sporting a Seth Rogan look.  Get a haircut and shave.  You look silly and way older than you are.

5.  James Durbin is apparently dealing well with his Tourette's and Asperger's and sings great, but he still hasn't figured out what to do with those ears.  He's giving Will Smith a run for his money.

6.  I keep thinking that Paul McDonald looks like Will Forte (SNL) playing a character and can't take him seriously at all.

7.  Why has no one mentioned that Pia Toscano looks like a mix between Salma Hayek and Julie Louis Dreyfus?

Honestly, this hairstyle does
not look good on anyone.

8.  Stevie Wonder performed last week.  Awesome as usual.  But why has no one told this man he is like 90% bald?  If his braids start back one drop further he will look like he is sporting a Chinese queue.

If you don't watch American Idol, you should consider it.  There is a lot going on there that requires comment and discussion.  DVR it and you can just sail through.  An hour show really only has about 11 minutes that isn't commercials.

More importantly though, be thinking of a way that I can perform on the show.  From my shower.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A Little Bit Yucky

Lots of choices, but if these
don't work, chocolate is
always good.

Before I tell you about the yucky-ish stuff I found today, I wanted to fill you in on Husband's response to yesterday's post.  He reminded me that he is not here for my writing amusement. Wrong.  He thinks no one else writes about their husband for the entire world to see.  Wrong.  I told him he forgot to mention how funny and true the post was.  I also pointed out that I was still (yes still) waiting for my thank you for immortalizing him in print.  Personally, I think he is being a little ungrateful and rude.

I also reminded Husband that he was offered the opportunity to write a guest post that I would not edit in any way.  This would be his big chance to tell his side of things or refute anything I've said.  Still waiting.  I guess it is hard to refute the truth.  That offer still stands for my brother and son as well (no Mom, still not you).

I think the article
left the 100 off before
the 42 and 47.
So, in yucky, creepy news, a couple who met online at (let's not even get into what that name might allude to), decided to meet in person.  They felt they had lots in common and were likely to be soul mates.  Well, it turned out they were brother and sister who had not seen each other in 30 years.  Luckily they found this out over dinner, not too much after.  Weird enough, yes?   I think what's weirder is the their picture.  They look like an old couple.  But no.  She is 42 and he is 47.  The years apart have not been good to them.  I do kind of like the picture because it makes it seem as though I look fabulous for my age (43).  I know I don't really, but next to her, I am a supermodel.

I think someone should slap
him every time he does that
because it's really gross.
I guess I was looking in the Freaks of Nature part of the news, because after the incest couple, I came across this guy with his feet on backwards.  It's a little bit of a scammy story because his feet aren't really on backwards.  But, he can turn them completely around and walk with them backwards.  He does have a son, so at least one woman must have thought that was a cool trick.  Personally, that would have been a last date show and tell.  He is going for the Guinness World Record for spinniest feet (or something like that).  If anyone turns out to be better at that trick, he will try for the record for furthest walking with your feet on backwards.

Also under Freaks of Nature News is that Lindsay Lohan (according to her mother) is going to legally drop Lohan and just be Lindsay (picture me rolling my eyes).  That sounds like pretty urgent business given everything else LiLo has going on.  Mom Dina said "me and Ali" are also dropping Lohan and are going to go back to Dina's maiden name "Sullivan."  Dina says they all want to distance themselves from dad Michael.  Michael reportedly knew nothing about it and said he couldn't imagine that any of them were actually changing their name.   Despite another effort, Lindsay still hasn't unseated Charlie for most crazy.  Keep trying though Lindsay, we're all rooting for you. 

Monday, March 28, 2011


It is a very delicate balance in the mornings here at Chez Donkey.  Husband usually leaves by 6:30.  I get up and make lunch for the kids.  Boy, who gets himself up and moving, finishes and leaves at 6:55.  I wouldn't call him pleasant in the morning, but we can usually avoid any unpleasantness if no one says too much.  Next up is Soccer Barbie.  She gets up anywhere between 6:45 and 7 and has to leave at 7:37.

This woman is cheerful
in comparison to SB.
SB is not a morning person.  At all.  Since she was little, when she wakes up, she's a crabby mess and really needs a cup of coffee.  Word to the wise - don't ask her if she wants a cup of coffee, she doesn't think that's funny.  AT ALL!!  I really don't know what takes her so long to get ready in the morning.  She did use up a lot of time a few days ago flat ironing her PONYTAIL.  Yep, her ponytail.  She has straight hair. Moving on.

This past Friday, Husband decided, in the morning, he would work from home.  Awesome.  Now, I am glad that he has a job where usually a phone and a computer is all he needs to work from home and that he has the luxury of doing that pretty much at his own discretion.  But here's the thing, you can't just stay home and act like you belong here when you don't.  Yes, it's his house too.  Whatever.  Go to work.  Or, at the very least, don't wake up until everyone has gone.

Awesome for some
horrible for others.
This time, as Girl was getting ready to leave, he asks her isn't she going to wear a jacket? Oh My God!!!  Don't ask her any questions!!  And then, when she said no (because she is ridiculous) he starts to argue with her.  Are you kidding me!?!?  That's not how we roll in the morning.  Unless she is at risk for frostbite waiting for the bus, we just say "I think you are going to be cold," accept the death glare she sends our way, and say nothing else.  He's not new here.  He knows she's not her friendliest in the morning. He knows it's going to be unpleasant for everyone.  But, really, please go right ahead and poke the bear.

Okay, so now children are gone.  I go to get my coffee and head up to the computer before I have to get dressed and head out.  What's this?  Someone is in my way at the coffee maker.  And in front of the fridge.  And blocking the door out of the kitchen.  I was not aware that the "work" Husband was planning to do at home was to interrupt my quiet, peaceful morning routine.

Can you believe I
actually found such
a perfect picture?

I have my coffee (no thanks to Husband) and am at the computer checking e-mail and Facebook, seeing if I have any comments on here at DTC, playing a few games...what's that I hear?  Loudly.  Obscure "classic" country music.  One bad song after another.  How many songs that I don't like could possibly be on his iPod and doesn't he have like 50 sets of headphones?  And how can he do his work with the music that loud?

Please let me clarify.  It's not that I do not love and adore Husband.  He is all sorts of excellent.  We do not have these issues on the weekend.   My issue is weekday only stay-at-home-without-warning covert attacks.  I am not mentally prepared to re-focus my energy on someone who is either under or over-caffeinated (depending on the time of morning) and who gets some sort of perverse pleasure from purposely vexing me.

Thankfully, I was able to recover and the rest of the weekend was fun and ran as it should with people being in or out of the house when they were supposed to be.  Boy won his tennis match Friday.  Yay.  Girl's basketball team lost their playoff game, but it was a great game.  The score was 32-29.  A little bit yucky was the outdoor soccer tournament all day Saturday.  No thank you winter-like cold temperatures in spring.  The upside to the tournament was that it was in Delaware, so afterwards we got to visit with 4 of our favorite people.

Today's summary: 
1.  It is important to be resilient in the face of adversity.  My sunny outlook and belief that things would turn around kept anyone from needing medical attention.

2.  If your significant other thinks their good looks and charm keeps them from seeming annoying, despite their behavior, disavow them of that notion ASAP. 

3.  If you are going to a soccer tournament, pee before you get there or you will have to use a port-a-potty.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Bingo. Not Just for the Elderly.

I know not all of you know me, but I imagine it might not come as a complete surprise to know that I love a microphone.  A microphone and whistle.  What more could a girl want?

OMG -these are bacon wrapped
mozzarella sticks.  Because
regular ones won't clog
your arteries quickly enough?
Anyhoo, the women's charity group to which I belong had a bingo fundraiser tonight and I got to be the bingo caller.  Yay me!  Make fun all you want of bingo, but we had a full house.  And not just old people either.  Also, pizza and mozzerella sticks were involved.  And cookies and brownies.  Starting to feel a little jealous, aren't you?

You might think using a microphone properly is no big deal, but you'd be wrong.  Some people make the mistake of yelling into the microphone.  This is actually a pet peeve of mine.  The whole point of the microphone is so that you don't have to yell.  Don't yell into the microphone!  It annoys people (I assume it's not just me). 

Thankfully, no one
was there wearing
socks and sandals.

You also might think playing bingo wouldn't require that much in the way of directions.  Again, you'd be wrong.  We used these reusable cards that had red plastic sliders over each number.  If your number is called, you slide the red cover over the number.  When the game is over you unslide them.  It seemed pretty simple to me.  I was told I would have to give directions because several people said, as they were handed their cards, that they didn't know what to do.  Really?   People also don't believe you when you tell them what to do.  I say "Regular bingo, which means, horitzonal, vertical or diagonal,"  "Can it be 4 corners?"  "No, just up and down, across or diagonal."  "Not a T."  "No.  "So no X, just regular?"  "Yes, just regular."

Despite evidence to the contrary,
I do think/talk about things
other than pizza.  But this
does look really good.

Again, I got to use the microphone so I really wasn't bothered by any of this.  Answering questions just gave me more opportunities.  I get to count this as a good deed because we raised a lot of money for charity. I get to feel good about myself and use a microphone and eat pizza and mozzarella sticks.  Perfect Day.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Lovely and Not so Much

I was going to try to write an entire post filled with only lovely things that are going on.  We could all just sit and have a lovely cup of tea and a lovely cookie or two and bask in how lovely people can be.  How did that go?  Let's just say you are going to have to make do with half a post of lovely.  You can still have the tea and cookies however.


See, even her
 expression is lovely.

Elizabeth Taylor was lovely.  She was beautiful and talented.  Although her personal life was often publicized as scandalous or frivolous she always seemed very dignified and pleasant.  The article you can link to here was very nice and actually has a great quote from her that basically says that she didn't intend to have so much jewelry or so many husband, that life just happened to her, like it does to everyone else. 

That's it!  That's what makes Elizabeth Taylor special.  Her whole life was always in the news and commented on and much of what she did was considered scandalous at the time, but she still just kept being lovely.  She wasn't like Madonna or Lady Gaga.  She didn't have to wear bizarre clothes or keep finding new ways to be provocative or overtly sexual or outrageous.  People always wanted to know what she was up to just because she was Elizabeth Taylor.  Additionally, she was one of the first famous people to publicly support AIDS research/prevention, even when it wasn't very fashionable to do so.

I also want to give her a thumbs up for allowing us to see her age or look unwell.  While she may have had work done over the years (I don't know), I think you would be hard-put to say what it was.  Even as she aged and became ill, she still posed for photographs and didn't seem to make too much of a big deal that she didn't look like she used to.  Just like the rest of.  Very lovely.

She is very pretty,
but I miss "Jessie's"
curly hair.
Another lovely Elizabeth is Elizabeth Berkley.  Yes, Jessie from "Saved by the Bell."  The piece I read about her talks about her Ask Elizabeth workshops that are "two-hour interactive self-esteem based" workshops for teenage girls.  She started this in New York, on her own, almost 5 years ago and has essentially travelled anywhere they have asked her to come.  All on a volunteer basis.  When I read about her program I was really impressed.  She has spoken with over 30,000 girls.  She now has a book which is a "distillation of all the issues discussed in the workshops."  I am going to check it out for Girl. 

Oh, and PS, Elizabeth is totally up for a "Saved by the Bell" reunion on Jimmy Fallon.  Apparently Screech is a  hold-out.  Raise your hand if you don't need him and his porn tape at the reunion.

Not So Much

Our main focus in the less-than-lovely portion of the evening will be UFOs.  Yes, you read correctly.  The ever-popular mode of transportation for the alien set.  As I was looking around for loveliness to discuss with you I came across not one, but two current UFO articles.

Can anyone see into
one of those windows at the
top and let me know
if they see Louis or Sammy.

You may recall a little while ago I listed for you some Jewish people I didn't think were helping us any in regard to PR.  Well, it seems I forgot someone.  Sammy Hagar.  Yes, our friend Sam thinks that he "may have been abducted by ETs." He says that if he wasn't actually abducted then he was "manipulated in some way by a force not of this earth.  *Sigh* please stop talking.  And you know what, you look like Animal from the Muppets.  Not such a good look.

More alarming is the "Nation of Islam Looks to UFOs to Save the World" headline I came across.  I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.  How is it that with all that is controversial with Louis and his boys, this is the first I am hearing that one of the important aspects of NOI teachings involves how UFOs essentially built the world.  Based on the history of NOI given here, it seems like we have Scientology meets Black Panthers.

Also, I hadn't really given it much thought, but if pressed I would have said I thought Nation of Islam people were kind of like Muslims.  Not so much it turns out.  Nothing like Muslims.  Makes me wonder if the Islamic people are annoyed that the word Islam is in NOI's name.  They get enough bad press without anyone helping them.

So, in conclusion, our take-away for today is: If you have the name Elizabeth or drink tea, you are destined for loveliness.  Conversely, no one will think you are lovely, and definitely will not invite you for tea, if you think you were created/brought here/visited by UFOs.

Oh yeah - and clearly this was a very adult and educational conversation, touching on world news-like matters, so this is one of those times where smugness and condescension are warranted.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Mum's The Word

Remember, loose lips
sink ships.

There has been some buzz that the boy would not be happy if he knew about yesterday's post.  Here's the deal, if everyone keeps their pie hole shut, we won't have a problem.  Additionally, what does he even really have to complain about?  I didn't share any personal details and didn't put up a real picture of him (even though he looked really cute).   But still, sssshhhhh.  No need to make any unnecessary trouble around here.

In Not News, there was an article whose title was "Experts: Lindsay's Hard Partying Could Trigger a Relapse."  I'm thinking "good" she's trying to get her spot back from Charlie.  Not so much.  The article is a total bust; I can't believe someone got paid to write it.  "Hard Partying" could cause a relapse?  When I hear "hard partying" I assume we have already had a relapse.   So, first of all, it's a lame-o title.  Next, the hard partying mentioned is that LiLo has been seen at clubs all over the place at all hours.  Drinking bottled water.  What?  Staying up late and drinking water is going to cause a relapse?  Oh and she is kissing strange guys.  What I see here is not a relapse, but rather too much free time.  Whistle for boringness.

Swap the clipboard
for a tennis racquet

In my own little Ripley's Believe or Not news, every week when I take my tennis lesson, on the next court (which I can't see because there is a curtain) I am pretty sure Roz from Monsters, Inc. is playing tennis.  I can hear her talking, which is why I think it's her.  All I can picture is a blob/slug-like monster in a tennis skirt, sliding along with her racquet.  I know that sounds a little weird/unlikely, but it really sounds like her.  I am blaming the distraction for why my serve is not improving.  Feel free to stop by my lesson and give a listen if you are doubtful (then I can blame you for the distraction).

No face tattoos yet,
there might still
be hope.

Lemme see, what else.  Oh yeah, Chris Brown, just having completed his domestic violence counseling, freaked out, tore his shirt off and put his fist through a window in his dressing room after his Good Morning America appearance.  Seems that in response to interview questions about his assault on Rihanna he became enraged.  Word has it that this outburst may cost him a spot on Dancing with the Stars.  *Gasp*  Personally, I don't think the tattoos or blond hair is helping him any either.  And why do you think getting furious caused him to rip his shirt off?  Is he like the Hulk?

I am not sure if it is due to global warming or the earthquake/tsunami 1-2 punch in Japan, but it's supposed to SNOW here tomorrow.  Tomorrow.  The 4th day of spring.  I am refusing to acknowledge this is even a possibility because it is so unacceptable.  In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that some of our extreme weather was perhaps Mother Nature just showboating or that someone has really pissed her off.  I suggested that if you are the person littering or wasting electricy or not recycling, that you stop it.  Obviously, some people have not heeded my suggestions and now look what has happened.  I think we really need to ferret out the trouble-makers and "help them understand" the need to change their ways.  I am so not about snow in the spring.

Spring.  The season when my family wants me to cook outside on the grill.  As you know, I don't cook outside in weather.  So, really, if you are the joker who is making the problem, you are in essence responsible if my family starves.  Just so you know, that won't be good for your karma.

Needs a Whistle. Sort Of.

Despite all of us here wanting to be well-informed world citizens, I think I will skip talking about the real news; too upsetting.  There are lots of extremely horrifying things going on in Japan, Libya and Bahrain (to name a few).  Thankfully, at least in Japan, people are working very hard to help the situation and save lives.

At this point, based on the really big things going on in the world, if Charlie Sheen wants back in the news as craziest f*%#&er on the planet, he will likely have to set himself on fire.  And, even then, I'm not so sure he can pull it off.   But one thing is for sure, he has ruined attention-seeking for everyone else.  Nothing any celebrity does these days is getting more than a disinterested eyebrow raise and weak little "tweet" of the whistle.

 I can sense this dog is
forlorn.  First 3 other dogs,
and now babies.  *sigh*
Mariah Carey, who by my calculations has been pregnant for 16 or 17 months, has put her dogs in therapy in anticipation of their jealousy upon the arrival of her boy/girl twins.  Yeah, yeah, whistle.  Whatever.  I have a friend who just told me that she knows someone who made a bat mitzvah for her cat (aka a cat mitzvah).  I expect my celebs to be able to out-outrageous regular people.  Apparently not so much, Mariah.  And, if there are any of you out there who are now thinking "Oh my God, a cat mitzvah, what a fun/great idea" stop right there.  No.  The answer is no.

Even Howard Stern, who thrives on finding ways to be outrageous is a big snore.  Howard was just on Jimmy Fallon and said how he's done going on late night shows.  Too much pressure and he doesn't really have anything to prove.  People were laughing, but it wasn't that funny.  Every time I have ever seen him on a talk show, he is complaining about how hard it is to be him. Yawn.  I am giving you a whistle for constantly whining.  You have made millions of dollars getting to say and do whatever you want.  What is the problem?  Big baby.  And PS, what kind of guest comes on a show and complains about coming on?

Honestly, the loudest whistle this weekend is going to one of the people who lives here with me.  He is way  more stunning than anything entertainment-related in the news.  Boy went to his Soph Hop Saturday.  My husband and I happily (well, non-begrudgingly) sold our Lewis Black tickets and stayed home so we could coordinate the 15-stop arrangements needed.  To thank us for our undying love and interest in him, I was invited to wait outside in the car while he and his date (who I picked up) went into another girl's house for group pictures (versus the ones of the two of them I had already taken).  Luckily for me, the mother at said house sent him right back outside to tell me to come in.  Ha ha Boy.  Whistle!

There was a picture of
Jimmy and Cindy kissing,
but I figured Boy would
be unamused.
After picking up Boy's date, driving to house number two, driving to dinner, picking up from dinner, driving to Rita's (water ice, for anyone who doesn't know), picking up from Rita's, driving to dance, picking up from dance and then taking date home, I was expecting maybe a hug and a thanks before he went up to bed.  I got the thanks, but no hug.  Really?  That's the best you can do?  I mean, I didn't even ask him if he kissed her.  How nice am I? 

So that's it for the Weekend Whistle Update.  As an aside, I want to add that I dread the thought of my child turning 16 in May and learning to drive because I don't want him to get killed (I did just spend all this time keeping him alive). But, after driving all over the place Saturday, I am thinking it won't be so bad when he can drive himself.  Luckily, if he is driving himself, I can be at home drinking to dull the worry because I won't have to drive anywhere.  I am not 100% sure if that is a win-win or not.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Roses and Thorns

For those of you who don't know, Roses and Thorns is a game/activity where you go around and everyone says what their best thing and worst thing (hence the rose and thorn) of the day was.  Since none of you are here with me, I will take everyone's turn.  Also, I am not just going to talk about today, I am sharing as far back as I feel like.  So, it's not exactly the same game, but who are you to judge, you're not even here and it's my blog, I can play how I want. 

Never clean a coffe pot
again or drop grounds
all over the floor.
First rose is my Keurig machine.  I totally heart it.  I don't even really drink coffee, but now I do every morning just so I can use it.  It is super fun and cool.  You can buy lots of different kinds of coffee in cute little one-serving containers.  Husband was skeptical at first, but he thinks it's great too (he actually drinks coffee for real).  And, big giant plug for Keurig - if your machine breaks and you call them, they will replace it free of charge.  No clean up either - thumbs up.

First thorn is coffee breath.  Who knew?  And, if you didn't know, let me tell you, if you drink coffee in the morning, you are going to have coffee breath unless you brush your teeth or have some gum or something.  You might be thinking to yourself that I am not talking to you, but I am. 

Next up on the good side is Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Treatment Makeup.  It is great!  I have rosacea and my nose is usually red and I have to use concealer to make it look right.  With this, no concealer.  It also evens out your skin tone overall.  It doesn't feel like you are using makeup at all.  And, because it's Maybelline, it's pretty inexpensive.  You should run out and get some now because as soon as I like something it usually gets discontinued.

The bad side of this is the fact that I need foundation or concealer at all.  In my 20s I did not have red skin or fine lines or sun spots or that stupid crease between my eyebrows.  The whole thing is very insulting and unfair.  That is not to say that I actually always wear makeup, but on the days I don't I am usually asked if I am sick or I was crying or if I'm tired.  Yet another reason I need a whistle.

How happy are you to
find out your old boyfriend
looks like this?  Thank
you Facebook!
One of my favorite daily roses is Facebook (yes, thank God we are finally talking about it).  Every day, after everyone leaves, I get my (Keurig) cup of coffee and visit with my friends and see what's going on for the day.  In the beginning it was fun to find people you didn't even remember you knew and awesome to find old friends and catch up.  After a couple years now on Facebook, what I have is a carefully compiled group of smartasses who I can joke with and chat with any time I have few minutes during the day.  Kind of like hanging out with your friends in between classes. 

Another big plus of Facebook is you can see how fat or ugly (or bald) anyone you didn't like in high school has gotten.  It is great for self-esteem.  I could go on all day (we haven't even discussed the sad souls with underlying problems who "hate" Facebook without ever having gone on).

The Facebook thorn is that it does tend to suck you in and use up a lot of time.  For me that is a problem because it's not like the TV is going to watch itself.  I have so much stuff DVR'd that I will have to give up cooking for my family to catch up.  Oh wait...

The word "champ" is in the
 title.  It tells everyone what a
 winner I am for eating these.
New favorite product is Blue Bunny Mini Ice Cream cones.  They come in a few flavors, but I am totally loving the Birthday Cake one.  Vanilla ice cream, jimmies and blue icing in the center.  All on a tiny crunchy cone.  They are just miniature deliciousness.  And, because they are small, I can feel superior to other people who are eating big fattening ice cream cones.  I clearly have more will power and can be satisfied with a small dainty treat.  Eating two does not change that.  Each one counts as an individual good choice.

On the down side, even in the mini form, the universe has conspired against me to make these ice cream cones not as healthful as say, an apple.  That's a pretty big thorn.

Final good thing - pizza.  There is no downside.  Pizza is delicious and is a mental health food.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sports Spectacular

As you may or may not know, it's college basketball playoffs aka March Madness.  I don't actually care at all about this, but I know about it because everyone (but me) seems to be talking about who they are betting on or who they have on "the bracket."  Turns out there is a whole bracket thing and you have to pick like 183 teams correctly to win any money.  The bracket has four parts, each with 16 teams.  That's a lot of teams.  Did anyone not make the playoffs?

I think I should get to drink every
time I hear someone say "Final
Four" in the next month.
And why is it called March Madness?  It's half in March and half in April.  Why not "Spring Madness" or "Oh My God, Is Basketball Still On Madness?"  I could also do without hearing the phrase "Final Four" a million times.  Honestly, unless you went to one of these schools, what do you care who wins?  Wouldn't it be easier to just go to Atlantic City, or the like, and put your money on a roulette number?  How are you going to pick a winner starting with 64 teams? 

This is usually the type of conversation I told you about where my husband or I say "You're stupid if you think that" and then the other person says "No, you are."  Husband does not think that I "get" the whole sports thing.  I get it, I just think people are spending an awful lot of time and getting all worked up over something that doesn't actually have anything to do with them and over which they have no control. 

In other sports news, I have gathered more proof of why athletes should really try not to be interviewed or quoted.  Minnesota Viking's running back, Adrian Peterson, used the phrase "modern day slavery" to describe the treatment of the "locked-out" players by the NFL owners during labor talks.  *Sigh* 

Reality Check.  This is a real
slave's home.  I bet all NFL
players have closets bigger
 than this. 
Peterson's actual point was that the owners make a lot of money thanks to the players and that the players aren't getting their fair share of that.  Peterson basically said there is no money for the owners if there are no players, so therefore the players deserve more.  Regardless of whether you think these athletes are making too much money already, the point has some merit.  Of course, we can't really think about the point Peterson is making because we can't believe he doesn't get how wrong and insulting his analogy is.

Um, slaves didn't get paid.  Also, when they didn't like the working conditions, they couldn't choose not to work.  Being refused the opportunity to work due to the lock-out isn't really the same thing.  You really aren't going to get any sympathy from people when you make a lot of money, but compare yourself to people who suffered and were abused and lived in horrible conditions.  Oh, and who could be sold away from their families.  So really, NFL players fighting for a bigger cut of the money is not so much like slavery.

In my own personal sports news, Boy made the high school tennis team.  We were very proud of him because he did not make it as a freshman, but worked all year to improve so he would have a better chance this year.  Yay Boy!   Our less happy sports news is that soccer has moved back outside.  It's not really warm enough yet for outside soccer.  The weather for SB's game this Saturday is supposed to be 50's and raining.  No thank you.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Charlie Gets Out-Crazied

If you are science-y, like me,
then you know this diagram
shows how the earth's shift
makes pizza calorie-free.

Well, it actually took The Universe to out-crazy Charlie Sheen.  It is a big crazy disastrous mess in Japan right now.  I don't want to mix up my terms or chemicals, so I will just say that there is a lot of crap overheating and exploding in several nuclear plants in Japan.  For those of you who are un-science-y, that's not good.  Joking aside, I of course am saddened for the Japanese people and hope they get all the support and help they need (under it all, we are very sensitive and mature here at DTC).

I think it is kind of interesting, and would probably make a good study about human nature, that the first thing we start doing during stuff like this is measuring and comparing.  We have heard about how bad this earthquake is and how it compares to others before it.  We have heard how much the earth's plates have shifted and how much more that is than during the last giant earthquake in Japan.  Today the buzz was that the earth's axis has shifted as a result, making Japan about a blink closer to us.  Also, as a result, the day is now .8 microseconds shorter (I think I got that number right).

Why do you think we feel compelled to spend time and money to measure this kind of stuff?  Are scientists using the information to keep this from happening again?  No, they're not.  Basically, all they can  do with this information is to shake their collective heads and say "Yeah, earthquakes and tsunamis are kind of bad for the planet's stability, you guys should try to not let them happen."

If you find my head preserved
like this, there's a problem.

In some other crazy news, this guy in Tombstone, Arizona was just arrested for allowing his mother's corpse to decompose for a year and not mentioning to anyone she had died.  The headline made it seem like this was a horror movie producer and that he might have been living with his dead mother all year.  By the end of the article you find out that he wasn't a producer, he was just a shy, private, nice guy in a small town, who upon finding his mother dead, in her own home, left her there and told no one because he was so upset and couldn't deal with it.  The man doesn't appear to have been involved at all in her death and the police are likely to drop charges. 

While sad and a little weird, not really that newsworthy.  Here's the crazy part (which no one seems to be taking note of but me), it took government officials a year to notice there might be something amiss.  Officials notified Tombstone's marshal that he should go check on this woman because she hadn't cashed her welfare checks - IN A YEAR!!!  It took them a whole year to notice this?  And, no one in town saw her all year either or thought anything of it.  Just an FYI - if you don't see or hear from me for a few days or more, come looking.  Don't wait all year.  You know I could never be incommunicado for too long ( I have a lot to say), so if you don't hear from me, there's a problem.

She's a good size, but I think
she could maybe use
Shirley Feeney's Hubba
 Hubba Heiney.

In more minor, but still a little crazy news (clearly due to the earth's shifting axis), there was a picture of Kesha (no $, you know my policy) in an exceptionally ill-fitting bikini.  PopEater referred to it as retro and didn't say anything mean about her.  They didn't even mention that she looked a little fat.  Crazier than that, I realized, that while the suit did nothing for her and was ugly, she wasn't fat.  She actually is a normal size.  So, in an unusual twist of events, I have nothing to say about Kesha except to compliment her for being a regular human size.

Monday, March 14, 2011

More Things I Find Problematic

1.  Starbucks Logo

Really!  Look at that.  What
are we supposed to think?
Over the weekend I mentioned on Facebook (honestly, I totally heart FB and can't believe it still goes undiscussed) that I was disturbed by Starbucks logo.  For those of you who missed it, the gist of it is that there seems to be no explanation for why the mermaid has either two tails or a split tail that is like two tail legs.  The latter would lead one to believe that she is holding a leg on each side of her head.  It was my thinking that either the mermaid has her legs/tails spread welcoming people or that is where Starbucks wants you to think the coffee is coming from.  I have to say, either option is a little bit yucky and not the way I would go in regard to a marketing strategy.  If anyone can shed some light on this, please feel free.

2.  Age You Can Join the Military/Drink

You can't drink until you are 21 in the United States.  I have no issue with this.  My issue is that it seems a little incongruous to tell people they do not have the maturity or good judgement to drink until they are 21, but we trust them, at 18, to kill other people and to be mature enough to handle the stress and trauma of the job.  To solve this problem, it is my thought that we should continue to allow people to join the military at 18, but we should not allow them into combat until after they are 21.  I do understand that there are some people who could wait until they are 50 and still wouldn't really be mature enough or have good judgement, but I can only solve one problem at a time.

3.  Sports Interviews

If you can't give an interview
like Muhammad, then please
 take my advice.
Please please please can we stop interviewing athletes right after a game?  Win or lose the questions are usually inane (so, how did it feel to get beat by your biggest rivals -it felt bad, how do you think it felt), or so long-winded that the athlete doesn't even understand what is being asked.  Obviously, some athletes are more well -spoken than others, but none of them really know what to say.  They are clearly anxious to get to the locker room and are just trying to be nice because they are probably told they have to.  Since no one has anything of substance to say, I think all questions should be answered with "Well, what I always say is 'float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.' "  Athlete should then throw some air punches, slap the interviewer on the back and walk off.  We have the same information we had before, but now we are entertained.

4.  Highway Construction

Someone help me understand why the Girard Point Bridge on I-95 is still under construction.  I-95 is the major north/south artery along the eastern seaboard.  How is fixing any problems not job one?  If I was in charge they would be working on this 24/7 until the job was done.  I believe they work all day, when it can cause the most traffic, and then stop at 3pm.  Do they have bankers working on this project?  Why are they stopping at 3pm?  If you are going to jam up traffic in the most inconvenient place (between the sports stadiums and the airport) then you may as well work around the clock.  If not, try working at night when you won't be so disruptive.  Oh, and for good measure, some of us can use I-476 to avoid this problem, but they are working on that too.  Always good to work on all major highways at once.
PS - you can use the word stadia or stadiums, the dictionary said so, but I think stadia sounds too weird and am boycotting it.

I was obviously too harsh
in my judgement of
Lil' Wayne, whose ink looks
charming in comparison.

I don't think I have anything else problematic at the time.  Wait!  I did want to mention that to further my point that neck and face tattoos are not a good long-term idea, please take note of this picture.  What job will this guy ever get (of course I think the criteria for prison jobs are less stringent than in general)?  The whole thing is such a disaster that the swastikas aren't even that alarming.

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