Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson

Note the fades and that
this was probably the
last time Jazz had
his name first.
I am pretty sure I could win American Idol.  Yes, you heard right, I could win American Idol.  I would of course need to perform in my shower.   First off, in my shower (and really the entire bathroom) the age limit is much higher.  Right away, this helps me quite a bit.  Also, in my shower, I can sing any genre.  While I am partial to R&B and Motown, I also do a bang up job with rap, pop and rock.  I am very versatile.  Oh, and I also am really good at the guitar.  Air guitar, of course.  You can't just bring an electric guitar into the shower.  Duh.

I get a ton of practice because it takes me forever when I take a shower.  Once I start to give a concert, I can't just get stop and get out.  I have to finish the set.  You can't just leave the audience hanging.  And don't forget the encores.  The only thing that really cuts a show short is when the shuffle on my iPod gets to the end.  I can do a capella, but that doesn't really sell once you are in the top 10 on American Idol.  You really need a big production.

I can do all the parts
equally well.
I do sometimes practice in the car.  That's a little harder because you can't really move around and belt out your songs quite the same way.  Also, there was an "incident" awhile back that has left me a little gun shy.  My cell phone had disconnected while I was trying to leave a message for a friend.  Or so I thought.  When it cut out, I figured I would just talk to her later.  So, I started singing.  Very loudly.  You should know that the louder I sing (in the car, the shower is different) the more off key I am.  It's just me and in my head I sound good, so who cares?  Well, let's just say after laughing her ass off, my friend assures me that she erased the "message" off her answering machine.  I am not giving her name because if she hasn't and she should go missing, I don't want there to be any clues.

As you know, I am not on this season's American Idol (too cutting edge I guess).  I just watched last week's show in preparation for the next episode tomorrow.  Here is what I want you to take note of and help explain (all thoughts on the matter are welcome):

1.  Why does Randy Jackson have what looks to be a black circle sticker for a "beard" on the tip of his chin?

2.  Why does Jennifer Lopez (who is so pretty) wear eye shadow and blush that looks like she broke into someone's 70's make-up and let Helen Keller put it on for her?

3.  What is going on with Steven Tyler and the lech routine and why does he look like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean (and not in a good way)?

4.  Casey Abrams is sporting a Seth Rogan look.  Get a haircut and shave.  You look silly and way older than you are.

5.  James Durbin is apparently dealing well with his Tourette's and Asperger's and sings great, but he still hasn't figured out what to do with those ears.  He's giving Will Smith a run for his money.

6.  I keep thinking that Paul McDonald looks like Will Forte (SNL) playing a character and can't take him seriously at all.

7.  Why has no one mentioned that Pia Toscano looks like a mix between Salma Hayek and Julie Louis Dreyfus?

Honestly, this hairstyle does
not look good on anyone.

8.  Stevie Wonder performed last week.  Awesome as usual.  But why has no one told this man he is like 90% bald?  If his braids start back one drop further he will look like he is sporting a Chinese queue.

If you don't watch American Idol, you should consider it.  There is a lot going on there that requires comment and discussion.  DVR it and you can just sail through.  An hour show really only has about 11 minutes that isn't commercials.

More importantly though, be thinking of a way that I can perform on the show.  From my shower.

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