Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It's Not Gambling If You Know You're Going To Win

This was not the actual slot
machine I was playing because
they freak out if you take pictures
in the casino.  I don't know why.
I have shared this with my real-life friends and family, but of course I have to share it with you as well...I won $400 this past Saturday night at the casino in Delaware Park.  If you add up everything I've won since 1988, when I turned 21 and was legally allowed inside casinos, I have won, in total, counting this win - $400.  I think I could have won more, but we ran out of time.  Having extra time is probably why I have only won $400 in 23 years.  We also only find ourselves in a casino about once a year, so that also limits my winning opportunities.

I totally had the magic touch.  We were only at the casino for about an hour, (a quick trip in after a dinner nearby) but I couldn't lose!  I put $20 into a $2 machine and won $144.  I cashed in (after dancing my winning ticket around Party and our family) and then took $20 and put into a $1 machine.  Bingo!  Two spins later, $211.  I cashed that in and gave The Party back the $100 (in big bill format) he was in the middle of losing at black jack.  This made him a little less frowny.

1.  Black jack is for suckers.  It takes forever to win any substantial amount of money; it's only a 1:1 or 1:1.5 win.  The real money is in slots and roulette.  Trust me.  
2.  The Party hoards any 50 or 100 bills he gets and always carries them with him in case he whisked away suddenly to Atlantic City or Las Vegas.  He informs me that you never know when this will happen.
3.  The Party really does not like to gamble and gets all frowny and rashy when he starts to lose.  Once this has happened he tries desperately to break even and then stops playing.  I am missing the fun to this approach.  You can't get rich that way.

Anyway - back to me.  Once The Party abandoned black jack, he went to the men's room before we left.  While I was waiting I decided I would take the six $1 bills I had and play them in the penny machine I was standing next to.  Normally, I scoff at penny machines, but whatever.  I put the $6 in and the machine kept going and going and giving free spins.  I am not sure what happened, but I won $111.06 (stupid pennies). You can see why this was my favorite casino trip - EVAH!!!!!

Unless you would rather eat a
salad (???),  you will have to deal
with the fact that meat
 is made from animals.
In other (clearly less interesting) news I thought I was going to have some gross alarming news about this Indiana woman who made an "unsettling find" when she bit into her chicken McNugget.  I'm thinking human finger nail or tooth or a whole bug or something.  No!  She found a tiny little pin feather!!!  What a big cheat of a story!!  Don't get me wrong, no one wants a feather in their nugget, but it's a chicken feather...and you're eating chicken!  She wasn't injured or anything, she's just carrying on like McDonald's was purposely trying to poison her.  I mean have we not all found a crab shell here and there in our crab cake or a little fish bone in our de-boned fish.  You say "yuck" and move on.  You know that now every freakin' box of McNuggets is gonna have a feather warning on it now, right?  

What else has been on my mind?  Oh yeah!  You know how Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are always in competition for who is more bat crap crazy.  Well, they don't even have a chance anymore!!  I don't want to get all political, but that Rick Santorum is totally getting crowned Bat Crap Crazy King.  I can't help but think that even if you are a somewhat conservative Republican, you want tell him to shut the F up already.  He ran out of women's rights to trample on and now he's looking to outlaw porn.  Not that porn has a ton of redeeming social value, but Rick seems to think that porn, abortion and gay marriage are really what's the problem in our country.  Hello!!!  Neither the economy nor national security if affected by that stuff and they seem to be what we should be most worried about.  After that, I'm going to throw in our need to get the health care thing sorted out.

I am pretty sure that next on Rick's list of got-to-go is going to be alcohol.  He'll probably try to run on the prohibition ticket.  I wonder what kind of Thank You basket Obama will send him.  PS - unlike my casino trip, which wasn't gambling, trying to take porn away from men is a little risky if you ask me.  I'm thinking your average heterosexual male doesn't really care about abortion or gay marriage; they say whatever they think they are supposed to, but it doesn't truly affect them personally.  I mean they care, but you know, they aren't leading the protests.  Take porn away and who will be left to vote for Rick?  I mean besides the pilgrims that he transport from back in time.  I can see Rick now, all dressed in a big black hat with a buckle on it spouting off the virtues of a good witch trial to get people back in line.

Not Fetching.
Toe hang-over
is a thumbs down.
Okay, enough time on Santorum, he's beyond ridiculous.  The other bit of ridiculous that's on my mind, is Jessica Simpson.  What is wrong with her?  I don't care that she has gotten really big while she's pregnant - happens to the best of us.  But why must she dress like she's a 5-foot-tall tiny girl.  It's not becoming.  In this picture (from In Touch magazine), her shoes don't even fit!  Her feet are hanging off the edges.  The cut of the dress is horrific.  And, she is either wearing no bra, or the worst bra ever.  Sheesh!!  Just dress like a normal pregnant person.  You are not doing yourself any favors.

Yeah, I know it's a little weird that Rick Santorum and Jessica Simpson are currently equally vexing to me right now.  I mean, I truly believe Santorum isn't going to get elected, but what's going to stop Jessica Simpson?  Nothing!  We don't get to vote on her.

I won $400
I love winning
Black jack is stupid
The Party hates to lose and hoards big bills
Rick Santorum defies explanation and is creepy
Jessica Simpson is a fashion disaster and no one will tell her
I won $400
I won $400

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right

As I have previously mentioned (time and again), I live smack in the middle of a freak show.  Party would insist I am the lead act, but au contraire mon frere.  I am surrounded by non-cooperative children and their non-coopertive leader, The Party.

There was somewhat less fire
at my house, but this is
generally how it went.
In my last post I told you I would explain to you why I wanted to strangle Party after the "We Should Eat More Healthy" speech I delivered.  Well, here I am to share my plight.  I will start by saying that all of us are somewhat picky eaters.  Sparing you details of that, I am slightly more willing to try things than the others (which is a drastic change from my child self as I am sure my mother will be popping in below to comment about).  So, when I try to cook something a little different, I usually don't stray too far from the familiar, or I sneak in stuff I don't mention.  As the kids are getting older, that is getting harder to do.  So, I decided that I would just tell everyone that we would be trying new things and they would have to try to get on board.

I explained how I wasn't planning on asking anyone to eat anything they'd hate.  I told them that anything I asked them to taste, they might not love, but they weren't going to be grossed out.  They would just have to trust me.  I went on to explain that we need to eat more (any) vegetables, and that some vegetables, such as spinach, might make a dish look different, but wouldn't really alter the taste too much (think enchiladas).  I stressed the need to be open-minded.  Using myself as an example,  I said that I didn't care for cooked mushrooms, but had, just that evening, tried them again when I sauteed them for Party (who sat happily eating them on his steak).  I said that I didn't mind them raw in a salad.

This is when things went amiss.  Up until then no one had said anything and the kids had kind of nodded and seemed to at least not be planning a mutiny.  Party then pipes in  "Uch!  Raw mushrooms are disgusting.  I hate them.  They taste like dirt".  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?  There are not even words to describe how incredulous I was.  Of course, that's all it took; the angry mob joined forces with their father and started listing all the things they were sure they weren't going to like and weren't planning to eat.  It went downhill from there.  SB was also quite put out that I had spoken so seriously and had acted like someone was sick or dying (hardly).

Whistle!!  And Smack!!  Now I see why The Party so vehemently opposed my getting a stun gun.  How am I supposed to work under these conditions?  Party doesn't like when my posts are too focused on him.  Really?  Try not torturing me and I will try to write less about you.  How about that?

This is the "after" picture of the
dog.  Not sure if it's the "before"
or "after" picture of the owner.
In other news which highlights things which defy words and understanding, we have English couple, Denise and David Smart (talk about misnamed).  These two have spent over $13,000 on plastic surgery.  FOR THEIR DOG.  At first I thought it was just an attention-grabbing headline because the story first says how the 5-year-old dog has a condition which makes excess skin grow over its eyes, so it needed to be removed.  Yeah well.  The dog was also given a full face lift and a tummy tuck.  

Is there really any way to respond when the owner gives the following statement:  
"It's taken years off him and he does look like a young man again," Denise Smart told the site. "Before the operation he was fed up and looked like a grumpy old man. Now he's more mobile and he's got a new lease on life."  
Let me help you.  The answer to that question is no, there is not.

In other headache-inducing news, this story's lead-off was "shocking new findings on condom use."  Guess what?  The findings?  Not so shocking.  Turns out that "improper use could contribute to unwanted pregnancy or STIs."  Well, that is certainly a head-scratcher.  You really wouldn't expect that kind of thing.  Oh wait.  Yes you would.  If you read the article, you will find out all the sorts of ways that condoms are clearly not idiot proof.  On the bright side, if you go back you will see that it says that improper use could cause unwanted pregnancies or STIs.  So then, I guess you can't have both mishaps at once.  That's good I guess.  And, in case you were wondering, an STI is a sexually transmitted infection.  I am not sure how that is different than an STD or if it's better or worse.  Overall, I would say you wouldn't want either.  That's just me though.

My bangs only
 look marginally better
than this.
In completely unrelated, but assuredly as fascinating news, I just wanted to update you on a personal matter.  I imagine many of you (or none) were wondering whatever happened with my bangs.  Long story short, my bangs are a jerk and they won.  I finally gave up growing them because they wouldn't stay out of my face, despite being plenty long.  I got them cut on an angle in hopes of making them look like they were staying to the side.  I have since "fixed" them a little myself so they would blend better with the rest of my hair.  Suffice it to say that if I cut any more in my blending attempt, my entire top of my hair will be "bangs."

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Am Totally Hot, But Not In A Good Way

I wish I had a fan I could carry
around with me all the
time (but wouldn't make me
look demented).
Yes, it would be totally awesome if I was hot, like smokin' hot, because then I probably wouldn't care as much that I am the other kind of hot.  The kind of hot I am is often attributed to being a 40-something woman.  But here's the thing, I am not peri-menopausal or menopausal or any other kind of pausal.  I am just hot.  There are no flashes or night sweats.  I am just hot.  This all started about 14 years ago after I gave birth to the girl.  I get hot easily, and then can't cool off.  I totally blame SB and I don't care if that sounds mean.  She was also an un-turnable breach and had to be delivered via c-section.  I plan to use this information throughout her life to point out to her why being nice to me is the least she can do.

I can't tell you the last time I blow dried my hair until it was completely dry.  I usually get about halfway through (on the cool setting, mind you) and then have to take a break.  I am then forced to wait until I have cooled off/ stopped sweating sufficiently enough to put on my make-up.  Once done with make-up, I have to flee the bathroom (which is still warm from my shower) to cool off again.  Third trip into the bathroom is to dry my hair a little more (still not all the way) and then pat dry my face and put some powder on to get rid of the sheen of sweat already forming.  Do you see why I can't get anywhere on time?  God forbid The Party has to be in the bathroom getting ready too.

So now that you see where I am in the temperature department, let me tell you about the trip I just took with my friend LG.  To Florida.  Where it's hot and humid.  And even when it's not hot, it's kind of humid.   And let me start by telling you that LG never seems to be hot or sweaty (but I love her anyway).

As I mentioned last week, LG and I were going to Florida to visit her mom.  Her mother lives in a beautiful beach area in a gorgeous golf course development.  We had a lovely visit and lots of fun.  We sat on the big screened-in porch in the afternoons reading and drinking wine.  This was in between lunches and dinners out. Really, there is nothing to complain about except that I was pretty much "glowing" the entire trip.  

One of LG's
Florida outfits.
We started out in the Philadelphia airport waiting in line at security.  I am already hot.  Not LG, she's wearing her fleece (really LG?) and scarf still.  When it's finally our turn the TSA guy decides I need to take off the cardigan I am wearing (too close to a coat I guess) even though there are no zippers or pockets.  Now, on one hand, I'm kind of happy because I'm hot, but on the other hand and both feet, I have zero interest in taking off my light-weight cotton sweater because I am wearing it over a cami as part of my outfit.  It's meant to stay on (think twin set).  Jeans and a tight cami are not how I was planning on having the general population see me.  Now I'm hot and grumpy.  And forget just slinking through security, you now have to go in that glass cylinder and raise your hands over your head.  I am sure I was quite the vision.

Next we hear the announcement at the gate that we need our boarding passes, but can now put away our IDs, just like they always say.  Oh yeah, that's not what they said this time.  As we are trying to get on the plane a TSA person is checking IDs.  I'm hot, carrying a bunch of stuff and now have to put it all down and get my license back out.  The guard, seeing this is going to be a production, sighs at us with disgust and says "just go" and moves onto the next person.  So pretty much, the way to get through phase two of security is to appear stupid and annoying.

For the first time in forever I am on a plane that is not full, so LG and I can spread out.  I am finally feeling a little cooler as I can direct my own little blower right onto me.  LG is now using her scarf as a shawl and has her fleece across her lap.  She looks like an infirmed old lady who should be in a rocking chair (I am sorry LG, but you know it's true).  Are we even on the same plane?  How can she be cold? 

We arrive in Florida.  The weather is beautiful.  Low 80s.  At first I am very happy.  Then I realize I am already starting to feel a little sweaty because of the humidity.  Even indoors where there's air conditioning or fans, it seems to be humid.  I pretty much spent 5 days trying to repair my hair and make-up and subtly pat sweat off my face with a tissue.  I want to know what kind of make-up and hair products these women in Florida use, because not one person looked as bedraggled as I did.  Everyone's hair and make-up remained fresh and lovely throughout the day.  Even though LG never got hot, she at least had the decency to have humidity-ridden hair like me.

What I felt like doing to
Party after he "helped"
me with the Healthy
Eating Speech.
LG's mom gave me this magazine she reads that has a lot of cool stuff in it.  It's called The Week and it's put together by the New York Times.  It pretty much sums up the week's news events and what various other sources are saying about those events.  It's kind of like Cliff Notes (I don't want to hear from anyone who doesn't know what Cliff Notes are or who wants to tell me about the beauty of Spark Notes which are on the interweb.).   Included though are also some interesting and/or funny things.  Tomorrow  I look forward to telling you about how nothing you do at all ever is your fault.  It's because of the parasites.  As an aside, I am sure my parasites are naked and LG's have on a parka.  I also want to tell you how the introduction speech to "Our Family Will Be Eating More Healthy Foods" went.

Popular Posts