Friday, September 30, 2011

If You Say "Y'all", Then It's Totally Fine

Apparently, it needs icing.
Who would've guessed?
So, I was reading about the top 10 state fair foods. I really couldn’t decide whether some of these sounded awesome or awful. I also wondered who thinks up this stuff. (You really have to go look at this list). I also noticed that your top state fair foods are from the south and the midwest. I think that might have something to do with how these foods come to be. Those people in the south know how to sell an idea. The food on this list would never have made it onto any menu here in the Philadelphia/New York area/northeast area.

Let me illustrate for you. If someone here in the north tried to sell this idea, it would go something like this:

Northerner #1: I was thinking deep fried butter on a stick.

Northerner #2: That doesn’t make sense and sounds unhealthy.

Northerner #1: I guess so, but it’s different. People might like it. People like food on a stick.

Northerner #2: I don’t think so Dude.

If you were below the Mason-Dixon line, it would be a whole different conversation:

That, y'all, is buffalo chicken
in a flapjack, coated with
jalapeno bread crumbs.
On a stick.  
Southerner #1: Oh. My. God!!! Y’all will not believe the dee-licious idea I’ve come up with for the fair! Fried butter!  It's a whole stick of butter, dipped in batter, deep fried. On.a.stick!!!

Southerner #2: I think I would D-I-E die if I saw that at the fair! That sounds so good!

Southerner #1: Y’all would not believe how good! It’s like a crispy cornbread delight just dripping with salty butter.

Southerner # 2: We are totally a go on this one.

Do you see? I assume that’s how all the rest of those items made their way to the fair. The take home lesson for all of you? Just throw the word “y’all” into your vocabulary and people will buy whatever you are selling. (“Y’all sometimes gets used in the singular as well, but that’s an advanced lesson. Don’t get carried away. You don’t want to blow the whole thing by misusing it).

You may recall that awhile back I mentioned (with great disdain/disgust) that an actor (51 years old) from Lost married a 16 year old aspiring country music singer.  Well, they have signed a deal to make a reality show.  That’s right, reality show. I am betting someone was throwing a lot of “y’all”s around. How else was somebody able to sell gross and disgusting as a good idea? That is the power of “y’all.”

Honestly, it is just too skeevy.
Even with a "y'all."
Yucky Reality Show - Veto Version
Loser: I was thinking we could follow around Courtney and Doug and let America see a middle aged man making out with his child bride.

Producer: I was thinking you don’t work here anymore. Why would we spend one minute with them or seemingly condone their behavior?

Yucky Reality Show – It’s a Go Version
Loser: Y’all will not believe this idea!! We show Doug and Courtney giving each other sugar while they go about their everyday lives. Y’all, they are cuter than a litter of puppies. They are just so sweet and in love. Y’all misunderstand where they’re coming from.

Producer: Cuter than puppies you say? I don’t reckon how I could say no.

Now, I don’t mean to poke fun of southerners. At all. It’s impressive that the way some of them talk is so alluring. It’s very entertaining to listen to. You almost don’t care what they are saying, you just want them to keep talking. (I think this might be why women kind of like the cowboy type). Another example – Jimmy Carter. People really liked him and thought he was a charming southern gentleman. He parlayed that into being president. Turned out not to be that great of a president. But, he sounded good.

Hey – let’s use the power for good!! (For those of you from the south, I don’t know if this actually works for you). Just throw a “y’all” into anything you have to tell your kids. And say it with a smile.  I can already picture the well-behaved children everywhere!

Old way:
Stop fighting with each other and screaming. It’s so annoying!

New way:
Y’all need to cut it out! I’m not foolin’. Y’all are too much.

In closing, I will tell you that if you are hoping to sound extra smart, do not say “y’all.” That is the time to pull out your British accent. I am well aware that I am again generalizing, but just trust me.

Monday, September 26, 2011

To Whom It May Concern

Under my new plan, a
therapist could help you,
even if you didn't know
you needed help.
I am constantly having conversations in my head that I never get to have in real life.  This is most times because I don't actually know the other person.  I really think they would  benefit from our chat, but strangers find it alarming when you approach them and start giving them life advice.  Also, some of these people wouldn't really understand what I am telling them nor would they understand why they may have annoyed or inconvenienced me.  In essence, there is a high likelihood that many of my imagined conversations would not be fruitful in real life and I would end up more agitated.  It would be like many of the conversations I have with my children.

I am sure you too have wanted to share your thoughts, concerns, displeasures, and occasional compliments with others, but like me, have no way to do this.  This leaves all of us stuck with these random conversations and comments just rattling around our heads, taking up valuable space that could be used by other more important things.  Things like "Where is my other shoe?  Why wouldn't my shoes be together?  I took them off together."  You might also use the extra memory space to keep track of your keys, street your house is on and your children's names.  Imagine how awesome life would be if you didn't forget what you were talking about in the middle of saying it.

I have come up with a solution.  There needs to be chat room/bulletin boards for everywhere.   Every business and neighborhood would have one.  If you don't see one you need, you could just start it.  We could all just go to these sites and leave pleasant, helpful letters to the strangers with whom we wished to communicate.  When needed, of course, we might be forced to leave something more strongly worded, but you know, tough love and all.  People of the world (ourselves included - you never know when a stranger might want to compliment you) would check in on the sites where they work, live, hang out, etc., and see if there is anything they need to know.  I think if we all cooperate, the world would be a happier, less unfortunately dressed place.

For example, if I was the cashier at Giant, I would check in at the Giant Chat Room/Bulletin Board and see the following letter:

Dear Cashier,

I was trying my best to help us move along with our day by bagging as you scanned things through.  For some reason you kept scanning things even though we had run out of room.  You had started scanning before I starting bagging and I couldn't catch up.  You persisted in shoving the stuff in my direction.  Mightn't it have been better to stop scanning for a minute or two and help me bag some of the items so we'd have more room?  Alas, you did not think so.

Once you were through ringing me up you did start to help bag, which I appreciated.  I would have appreciated it more if you used paper inside of plastic, as I asked, but apparently you were upset I had forgotten my reusable bags and felt I only deserved plastic.  That would have been okay if you had put more than 2 or 3 items in each bag.  Doing it your way, I had 157 bags.  That was cumbersome.

I do want to thank you for being pleasant and wishing me a good night, you do get points for politeness.  I hope our future encounters will be more successful.


Knowing the cashier would see this would thrill me.  Further, she would be able to, in a non-confrontational atmosphere, realize she was not as helpful as she might have been.  Also, employers could then see how their employees are doing and supervise and train a little better.  This really is one of my better plans.

Here's the cool part.  You could avoid making mistakes other people make just by reading up on what's going on around you.  Just the other day I wished I could send out a gray hair/ sad haircut letter.  I think that letter would benefit a lot of people.

Dear Gray-Haired Couple,

See, this hair is just
wrong, wrong,
alarmingly wrong.
I appreciate that you are choosing to be down-to-earth/ natural/ granola and have chosen to let your hair turn gray as you age.  I can see that although your hair is gray, you are not old.  You might be in your late 40s.  Sadly friends, you must make a choice.  Aging gracefully in an au natural fashion or trying to look younger than you are.  You can't do both.

Female friend, if you are choosing to have gray hair, please stop wearing it super long.  It's one thing if you are elderly and it's in a bun, but otherwise it's a little scary looking.  Long, crazy, gray hair is slightly witchy and I am sure you are too lovely on the inside to want people to be frightened by you.

Gentleman friend, your problem is similar, yet somehow a little sadder.  Long gray hair on a man, pulled back in a ponytail is not a look.  Further, you are balding, and that's not helping things.

Wishing you a lovely day as you enter Cracker Barrel for lunch.


Since I think it will take awhile for all these chat rooms to get up and running, it is my suggestion that you unencumber yourselves by starting to write letters as you see fit and leave them on the cars and houses of the people to whom you are writing.  You may have to follow someone off public transportation now and again, but it will be worth it.

*please forgive the ridiculous spacing.  Blogger is hassling me again.  Don't think I won't be writing Blogger a letter.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Your Lips Say No, But Your Eyes Say Yes

The Party will have
to get used to
attention when I take
over the Letterman show.
This is helping him.
The Party says he really does not like when I write about him.  I think if he just gave it a little more thought he would realize that he does.  Does he want people to think I have no husband or a boring, non-fun husband?  How else will you all know about the constant entertainment that is my life if I don't share?  Okay, I don't think "entertainment" gives you the real picture.  It's more like I sometimes think I must be on Candid Camera or living in Bizarro World.  I like to run things by you guys as kind of a reality check to make sure it's not just me; that I am not just imagining that my husband and children are purposely being difficult for sport.

Anyhoo, The Party is a little on the shy and reserved side, so it's actually good for him to get used to a little more attention.  It's helping him to lessen his stress and live longer.  He doesn't think so, but trust me, it is.  So, not only have I immortalized him in print (PS - still no thank you on that), but I am adding to his good health and longevity.  Would you expect any less from a ray of sunshine?  No.  You would not.

Today's Candid Camera Episode went as follows:

Party:  I can pick up SB from soccer.  I am going to go running first.  Do you want to come?

(I look around for a camera or to see if he's talking to someone else.  Party knows I don't like to run and I don't think it's fun.  He's known this for awhile.  Like 25 years).

Me:  Are you expecting me to be chased?  Or on fire?
Party:  No.  I thought you might like it.
Me:  You know I don't have any interest in running.
Party:  It feels really good.

I mention that I have run before and didn't think it felt good.  Further, we then establish that it feels good when you're done, not necessarily during.  Okay.  So what I am being told is the good thing about running is that it feels good after you stop doing it.  Uh huh.  So why don't I just not do it at all and feel good all along?

Sometimes I think I am making myself extremely clear, but no one seems to hear what I am saying.  I keep telling my children we are not adopting a baby, but they keep discussing it with me like I said "maybe."  I am 44 years old, I am not having nor adopting a baby.  The baby party is over.

Last baby conversion:
I am talking to my mother and Boy hears us discussing someone else's baby, he pipes in...

We wouldn't want to subject a
new baby to the harsh realities
of life in the limelight.
Boy:  We should adopt a baby from China.
Me:  We are not adopting a baby from China.
SB:  (stops talking to her friend to join in)  How about from Kenya?
Me:  We are not adopting a baby from Kenya.  We are not adopting a baby from anywhere.
SB:  Haiti?

Honestly, how am I supposed to not talk about my family when these are the types of conversations I am forced to be a part of?  I am sorry children and Party, until our conversations are more Cosby Show and less Modern Family, I have no choice but to share and seek the support of the virtual world.  Think how much less expensive this is than therapy and more healthy than becoming an alcoholic.  I am doing it for all of us.  You're welcome.

And, just so the post isn't a total bust for The Party, I will share some WTF News with you that has nothing to do with him.  Consider this your PSA for the day.  If you are a woman and you have toes and you live in Arkansas, you might have a problem (other than living in Arkansas).  Consider wearing closed-toe shoes until the toe sucking bandit is captured.  Yes, you heard correctly.  Just like stuff with my family, I couldn't possibly make this up.  The bandit most recently forced an elderly woman's toes into his mouth.  Extremely disturbing.
You are totally welcome
for not posting some of
the pictures of real feet
I found.  Ew.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Talk Amongst Yourselves...I'll Give You A Topic

Those nails are
like buttah!
"The number is 555-4444.  Call, we'll talk, no big whoop."  Would that not be the funnest if we could have a DTC call-in/ talk show chat fest?  Instead of "Coffee Talk with Linda Richman." we could have "Pizza and French Fry Chat with DTC."

Honestly, I'm a little farklempt just thinking of the awesomeness.  Here is my list of topics we would discuss today if we were all together, (or that you could discuss amongst yourselves if I was having a moment).  You should also know that if I had a studio audience, I would totally be giving away free stuff.  How are you going to have a talk show and not give people fun prizes and snacks to go home with?  I mean unless you are hoping to win least favorite talk show.

1.  Air Shows
How many collisions/crashes/injuries/deaths are we going to have before we put the kibosh on them?  Further, why is the military allowed to have them?  Don't those planes come from our tax dollars?  Stop playing with them, they're not toys.

2.  Nicholas Cage as undead
There is someone selling a picture of a Tennessee man for $1,000,000 on eBay claiming that is looks exactly like Nicolas Cage.  The catch?  It's a picture from the 1870s.  The seller is claiming this is proof of the undead/vampire situation.  He feels that Nic probably reincarnates every 75 years or so.  Personally, I only see a resemblance when you put the two pictures together.  I would have never thought that guy was Nicholas Cage otherwise.  Besides, if he was a zombie or a vampire, I am sure he would have mentioned it.
I don't think Cage is a vampire, but he does
look a little pale on the right...
3.  Holy Roman Empire
Was it really holy or an empire?

4.  Charlie Sheen on the Emmy's
Really?   What high-level executive risked his entire career allowing Charlie Sheen free rein in front of a microphone?  I can only assume this all worked out swimmingly (Chuck was charming and gracious) because aforementioned executive promised to torture and kill Charlie if he so much as breathed wrong.
Apparently, Charlie and Ashton made nice at the
awards.  Charlie didn't say one word about Ashton
looking like he is set to play a young Grisly Adams.
5.  Can you blame the lesbian community?
Will right-wing conservatives say that being a lesbian is the gateway offense to a life of crime?  19-year-old lesbian lovers, nicknamed "Thelma and Louise" had their burglary streak halted when they were greeted in one house by a lion.  Escaping uneaten, they reported the lion to the police.  Honestly, how, knowing police are looking for you, are you going to go to the police and complain you couldn't steal stuff because the owners left a lion guarding their house?

6.  Tony Awards Opening Act or Protest?
I don't know whose turn it is to tell them, but someone should probably let whoever is in charge at Gay Activists Events and Parties know that flash mob style dancing is not really the most effective way to let Michele Bachmann know you don't support her appearance at the California Republican Party convention.  It seems more welcoming than protest-y.  Past "statements" by gay activists have included trying to throw glitter at Bachmann.  That's not helping either.

I think this will give you/us plenty to talk about.  Feel free to suggest these topics to your kids if they have any type of essay they need to write for school.

I will leave you with this little bit of DTC trivia - I have always wanted to be on the David Letterman show.  For like ever!  Here's the thing, so far I have not caught Dave's attention (we are secretly on a first name basis) and it's not like he's getting any younger.  In the event it doesn't work out for me, my Plan B is to replace him as host.  I am telling you all this so you can hone up your "fun sidekick" skills or get your band together (Paul totally has to go, he has over-weeded himself).

Thank you and good night.

Friday, September 16, 2011

You Shake My Nerves And You Rattle My Brain

And not in the good Jerry Lee Lewis kind of way.  Well, that's assuming you think being all hot for your 13 year old cousin is a good way.  Still, that would be better than the circus that is the GOP presidential hopeful pool.  I mean good Lord!  At this rate, all Obama is going to have to do to stay in office is not get arrested.  And, even then I wouldn't count him out.  

I'm not a fan of elephants
and donkeys as the
mascots.  We need new ones.
I say dolphin and gazelle.
What is up with these politicians?!?!  It's seriously alarming.  I am waiting for one of them to respond with "I'm rubber, you're glue..."  No one seems to be pointing out that their arguments and finger pointing are inane and completely irrelevant.  Republicans, if you don't like Obama and think he does everything wrong, why don't you tell me what you would do instead and how and why your plan will work better than his?  I don't care that Michele Bachmann said she's a size 6, but is really a size 10. (Okay, I made that part up, but it could happen).

The most current thing annoying me (Reader's Digest version) is that Michele Bachmann got all over Perry for mandating that girls in his state get the HPV vaccine.  She's appalled and thinks little girls shouldn't be subjected to a government injection.  It should be a parent's choice.  Oh, and the vaccine causes mental retardation.  Well geez, that was unfortunate.  She almost had a real argument there and she blew it.  Is her issue that it's a sex-related vaccine and therefore bad/wrong so no one should "have" to get it if they don't want or is it that she thinks government should not be mandating what health precautions parents should be forced to take?  If it's the latter, then why isn't she carrying on about all the other vaccines parents are forced to give their children? 

I can't discuss politics any further because it makes my head hurt.  I really feel a lot of these politicians make comments that don't even support their own positions.  On the upside, I find that Bachmann makes Palin seem hardly troubling at all.  Almost kind of warm and fuzzy.

But guess what, Palin got herself all over the news today!  There is now a book out, The Rogue, which I assume is meant to discredit her "I'm a good Christian" routine.  The book is claiming that Palin "had a fetish for black guys for a while" and had a one-night stand with a future NBA player.  Oh and she's done cocaine and had an affair while she's been married.  Good stuff.  I'm wondering what she did to this author to piss him off to this degree.  And let's just jump back for a second and be a little offended that the author calls a white woman liking black men a "fetish."  I think "preference" would have been a better choice of words.  When you say "fetish" it kind of makes it seem like it's weird for white people to be attracted to black people.  Just saying.  Bottom line is that this book isn't going to help Palin any, but it really doesn't make her any more or less qualified than she was last week before the book came out.

Crap, I said I wasn't going to talk any more about politics.  Okay, moving on.  What else is going on that makes my brain get all scrambled?  Comedy Central roasting Charlie Sheen.  That kind of numbs the brain.  They have been talking about this all summer and all Charlie's requirements about what better not get mentioned.  Now we have to hear how we have to wait until next week until it's aired on TV.  Snore.  What is there left to say about Sheen that's even funny any more?  Exactly.

Yeah, it is probably the
kids' own fault that they
can't spell test, let
alone pass one.
I think you'll like this one and feel all toasty and safe inside picturing the future leaders of our country.  SATs have dropped and are now at their lowest since 1995, with the reading portion of the test dropping the most.  That "no child left behind" thing is working like gangbusters.  There is some talk that this is due to the increased number of minority students who don't have a strong core curriculum taking the test.  Hhhmmmm, that doesn't make it any better.  That just further shows that the way schools are forced to operate (teaching to standardized tests) is not working.  So now, kids can't read and they can't score well on the SATs.  Clearly, the way to solve the problem of low scores is just to do away with the test.  That is way cheaper than wasting our money trying to revamp the country's education system.  I mean really, is reading that important?  I am sure anything our kids need to know can be watched on a YouTube video.

Please note that Trace
is sporting both full-chest
tattoos as well as an
unfortunate haircut.
So nothing else is bothering me at this time, but I do want to fill you in one last important thing.  Brenda Song's mother (London, from the Suite Life of Zach and Cody and other Disney shows) says Brenda, 23, is NOT pregnant with Trace Cyrus's child. (Trace is Billy Ray's son).  Brenda's mom says that Brenda and the whole family is very upset about the rumor because this was not how Brenda was raised.  "Phew" is all I have to say!  I don't know if Brenda's mom meant because the two aren't married or she meant because Trace looks like a walking freak show, but I don't think he is going to help her image or career any.  Yes, I know I am being a little mean, he might be very nice.  I don't care, they look awful together and I vote "no."

No to ridiculous political nonsense.
No to any more Charlie Sheen TV time.
No to Disney sweethearts dating thuggy/carney looking guys.
Yes to children learning to read better.
Yes to black and white people being allowed to like each other without being called freaks.

Hey...I think if I run for president, that's going to be my platform.  That, and "A pizza in every pot."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Like The Way You Work It, No Diggity

The original grill.
His was at least useful.
So, it turns out I'm not the only suburban mom (or dad) whose been listening to rap.  Lots of people seemed to agree with my assessments, but there were a few who were not happy I did not include their favorite in my "good" list.  By the way, I am adding Dr. Dre and Rob Base to my list of ones who are good with the words.  I will also mention that the last time I looked neither had the Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me grill working, so I like that too.

There was one Nicki Minaj supporter.  I think maybe it was her mom.  You know, because that's the kind of crowd we get up in here.  So far, my thank yous from the rap and hip hop world have not been forthcoming, but I figure they must have decided to all get together and do one big thank you gift.  I let you know how it pans out.

I will tell you that my attention has been drawn away from some of the freaks in the music industry because our usual suspects in the entertainment world are working hard to get our attention.  It's not even Charlie Sheen this time.  I know, weird, right?  I'm not sure which wins for most ridiculous.  I will let you decide.

First up is Ryan O'Neill.  As you may, or may not know, he and Tatum have been on the outs for years.  In part this seems to be due to his abusing her as a child and being self-centered and hot-tempered.  Add to it, she has had a lot of drug problems and keeps writing about him.  But alas, things seemed to be on the mend when they agreed to film a reality show for Oprah's network.  Turns out, not so much.  Ryan has given Oprah a sarcastic thanks-for-nothing and is blaming her for making matters worse between them.  Did I miss the part where Oprah forced them to do a reality show?  I am sure it's Oprah's fault and not the fact that Ryan has essentially blamed his children, but especially Tatum, for causing Farrah's cancer.  What a charmer.  Hard to believe a guy like that doesn't get along with his kids or that they have a whole host of issues.

Honestly, what is
she doing?
The next one is more creepy than crazy.  I think.  These next pictures are photos that Demi Moore has tweeted (yes tweeted, as in put onto Twitter) of herself.  For the first one she gives a deep and meaningful quote so you won't be alarmed that she has no shirt on.  The second one?  Even if she just wanted us to see the bathing suit to get our opinion (it could happen) why the sunglasses and the posing?  The only other people I have ever seen take so many pictures in the bathroom are middle school girls.  I don't know why, it's just what they do.  Public or private, it doesn't matter.  However, they have their clothes on.  Also, just saying, but super long, super straight, parted-in-the-middle hair kind of says middle school to me as well.  What up Demi?
If she was a politician, these pictures would have
cost her her job.  And PS, eat a sandwich or something.
Last we have Chaz Bono.  *Sigh.*  What is he doing?  This may be the only case where I am gonna say that a diamond studded grill couldn't hurt his look any.  Chaz, you have my support on the gender reassignment thing (look, I am so PC with my correct terms), but the beard is not making you look any more manly.  You have a nice haircut and a nice suit.  Your girlfriend is beautiful.  The only thing that beard is doing is making people wonder what your girlfriend sees in you.  One might wonder about the judgement of a man who hasn't used the blotting papers he so desperately needs, but rather has spent his time and energy growing a beard that looks like the clippings of someone else's beard he glued to his chin.  I feel certain that if your mother could have turned back time, she wouldn't have let you leave the house like that.
I just cannot think of enough
ways to say no to this beard.
I believe that is all on the crazy front at this time.  If you still have lingering rap thoughts, feel free to share.  We don't like squash creativity around here (except for if it's beard related).

Thursday, September 8, 2011

If You Don't Know, Now You Know...

We are branching out today.  The Party doesn't like when I mention him too much because he says I'm making fun of him (I'm totally not), so I thought we'd talk about something else besides him.  Something that is very hush hush in most of our suburban communities.  Rap music.  It makes great dance music, but the artists need some help.

I have previously brought this topic up on my personal Facebook page, but apparently, that communication method did not reach the intended audience.  Hopefully, I will have more success using my blog to convey my message.  Although, I am not exactly sure how many rappers or people of the hip hop persuasion are checking out my blog.  Definitely more than are checking out my Facebook page.

Shout out to the
rappers from Philly.
I am all about rap and hip hop and am old enough to have been around right as it took off as an accepted main stream genre of music.  I even remember Will and Jazz refusing to attend the Grammys because the category they won for wasn't going to be televised.  So really, I'm not new here. (editors note - Will and Jazz DID go I found out.  They were part of the group deciding whether or not to, but ultimately went, although some other rappers did not.  But still, you get my point)

So, for all my rappers and hip hopsters, I want you to know that I am totally feelin' ya and I totally get that some of what you write and rap about is beyond my personal experiences.  But, I am pretty sure that I can still offer you some tips that will help you grow as entertainers and musicians.  

1.  You can't just make stuff rhyme.  It actually has to make sense.  To someone other than yourself.  And yes, Nicki Minaj, I happen to be looking at you right now.

This is from one of Nicki's latest (she is by no means the only offender):
I said, excuse me you're a hell of a guy
I mean my, my, my, my you're like pelican fly
I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie
You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye.

2.  Find a new prefix for your name.  We are all full up with "Lil'" and "Young" and "MC."  If you don't want to use your real name, think of something that doesn't use one of those three words.  Also, pick one name.  Your rap name is a nick name.  You don't need a nick name of your nick name (hello Lil' Wayne/Weezy).  And stick with whatever name you pick.  We shouldn't have to guess who people are talking about or that you'll get offended by being called the wrong name (can you say Puffy/P.Diddy).

3.  We do not need one more song that talks about strippers, stripper poles, rolls of money, booties, poppin' bottles or how you like to be with more than one woman at a time.

4.  The blinged out grill.  No.  You might as well just wear a shirt that says, "I ran out of cars to put fancy spinners on."
There is nothing to
say here but "NO!!!"
5.  This is more aimed towards the radio stations..."G" rated versions my friends.  There is plenty of rap that I like even thought it's crude, offensive, politically incorrect, raunchy or way curse-filled - but I don't want to hear it on the radio at noon on a Saturday.  Radios stations bleep out the "f" bomb or the "n" word, but apparently, "bitch," "ho," "hell," and "ass" are all fine for children to hear and sing along to.  Also awesome hearing little girls singing "do me" or "can you get it up."

6.  Pants worn way low.  It's over.  It's not urban or cool, it looks like you are wearing a Hip Hop costume.  Further, if you insist on it anyway, we only need like an inch of underwear to get your message.  If you can't even take a full stride because your pants are at the top of your thighs, they are too low no matter what.

7.  Below are some rappers who, while are often lewd or crude, do a great job.  Their songs/raps are catchy and make sense.  Some are even downright clever and thoughtful.  Give a listen.

Both Tupac and Biggie are still making
money from their albums.  I can't make that
kind of $$ and I'm alive!
Tupac Shakur
Biggie Smalls
50 Cent

As our "rap" up (get it - bahahaha), I will point out, as I did previously on Facebook, that I am willing to bet than anyone reading this over the age of 50 does not know what comes after "the roof is on fire."  No cheating, you can't go Google it.  Oh - and I will totally let you know when all my thank you e-mails from the entertainment world start pouring in.

Annoying/Stupid: But It Sounded Good At First

First, I want to thank Rants From Mommyland again for having me over the other day to guest post.  Everyone was so nice and friendly and said nice things about my post.  Yay.  As a result, we now have some new friends over here at DTC.  Old people - be nice to the new people.  We want them to feel welcome.  No hazing or heckling (plus, you know that's what my mom's here for).

Now that the kids are all settled back in school, I felt like I had some time to bring up a few things that were troubling me.  Before I started to write, I was checking out the news (because I like us to seem like we know what's going on) and a found a few more things I wanted to share with you.  Seems like there is a no shortage of stuff that seems normal or like a good idea, but isn't.  Or, it's just plain dumb.

I guess the paper on top
discourages people
from doing this.
Still on my mind since it happened to me again last week is the straw wrappers.  Yes, I said straw wrappers.  For some reason, there are restaurants that take most of the straw paper off and then put the straw in your drink.  They leave the little bit at the top.  At first glance this seems like it's an attempt at being fancy.  I'm guessing the theory is that straw wrappers are low-rent and they don't want trash on the table.  Of course, you the drinker, don't want the waiters fingers on your straw, hence the little bit of wrapper left at the top.  So now we have trash in 2 spots.  Where the waiter started the process and on your table where you took the rest off.  Plus, with just an inch of wrapper, how are you going to blow your wrapper across the table at your husband and children?

Less personal, but still annoying, was the local news story on the Parx Casino.  Apparently, the people who frequent the Parx Casino (just outside of Philadelphia) are inclined to leave their little children in the hot car and go in to gamble.  I think we all agree that's not good.  The next part of the story goes on to say that the police have had to arrest less people since Parx added more security to monitor the lots.  My first thought was great.  Then, it occurred to me; why is the casino responsible for making sure people don't cook their children in the car?!?!?  I guess maybe there is some underlying thought that the casino is luring in people who can't help their gambling, so therefore, anything that happens to the gambler, their family or possessions is the casino's fault.  That's stupid, and I am giving it a whistle (new people, click here if you want to get up to speed on the whistle thing).

Well, I guess
 now we know.
Next on the stupid hit parade is the "swallowable perfume."  You take the pill and then the perfume is sweated out through your skin.  Stress, exercise, temperature and sexual arousal affect the amount of perfume that is emitted via your perspiration.  One, if you are too sweaty then you are going to smell like you bathed in perfume.  And, two, I can't imagine that perfume mixed with sweat is going to smell better than just a little spray of perfume on your neck and wrists.  Just saying.  Also just saying that if you swallowed perfume it would make you sick, how does a perfume pill know to emanate through your pores versus poison you?  As always, I want to say to all you science-y types working on things like this, you do know they haven't cured cancer yet, right?  Try working on a pill for that.

This next one is making me sigh.  There is talk of making a live-action Rugrats movie.  Why?  Anything funny, cute or good about Rugrats was pretty much accomplished through the cartoon.  It's going to be a bad idea.  Let me turn your attention to Rosie O'Donnell and John Goodman in the live-action version of The Flintstones.  Anyone in that movie was lucky to ever work again.  

I think her smile looks a little
fake.  I bet Trump still
won't come on her show.
On a last note, since we are talking about Rosie (yes, we sort of are), turns out she's not mean anymore.  At least she says she's not.  She says that she had a lot of rage and anger issues she really didn't realize, but now she is much better and very happy.  She didn't mention therapy or counseling or anything.  She says she had low estrogen.  Now that she takes estrogen, she is all good to go.  Coincidentally, this coincides with her new show about to air on the Oprah network.  I guess Oprah told Rosie she better get her sh%& together or she was gonna bounce her ass off TV once and for all.

Oh yeah, just so we can count this as meaningful adult discourse, also in the news is the debate among some presidential hopefuls.  Don't worry if you didn't see it.  Just knowing it happened last night will be enough to help you pass as in-the-know.  If anyone tries to get specific with you or discuss it, just say that the debates were the "same old same old; politicians spouting off rhetoric and trying to make the other guy look bad."  Trust me, it'll work.  But, remember, after you say that, you have to feign the need to use the bathroom or take a phone call (pretend faint if you have to) since you don't have a follow up.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ranting Over in Mommyland

Okay peeps!!  Here's our big chance!  We are invited over to Rants from Mommyland!!  Just click on the link and off you'll go!

They are like a pretty big deal, so when you go over there to read my guest post, please behave yourselves and act like you've ever been out in public.  We don't want to get thrown out!!

I want Kate and Lydia to see us as the witty and urbane sophisticates we are!  Bahahahaha!  I know!! It's hard to even write it without laughing, but I mean it, we don't want them to think we are country cousins headed over to the big city with our pals Jethro and Ellie Mae.  And whatever you do, don't ask if you can swim in their cement pond!

Oh - and have fun!!!  Their blog is super awesome (even when I'm not there)!  

We're takin' us one of them there
Road Trips!!!
(cue General Lee Dukes of Hazzard Horn)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Me and Mother Nature - We're Like This

Lighthouse on LBI.
You can climb all kabillion
steps to the top if you want.
Every summer when the kids are done camp we go to Long Beach Island, NJ for a week.  We always have a great time, but a week never seems like quite enough.  This year we decided we would go for 2 weeks.  The Party arranged things so that he would be able to work from the beach during the second week if he needed to.   This meant he wouldn't have to go home at all during the 2nd week, which we thought he might.  Sounds lovely, yes?

Enter troublesome natural disasters.  The house we rented was on stilts (or pilings or whatever the correct word is).  At the beginning of week 1 we suddenly find ourselves (and the house) swaying back and forth on said sticks.  Yes, that's right.  Earthquake.  My children were too occupied annoying one another to notice THE WHOLE HOUSE WAS MOVING.  Nice to be on your own planet.  Regardless, no damages or injuries, we move along with our vacation.

They also tried to issue
tornado warnings, but
I was not even
trying to hear that.
Next attempt to thwart my fun - Hurricane Irene.  There is all sorts of talk about the hurricane and warnings of the proper precautions to take (as you may recall from my last post).  Blah Blah Blah.  Party is beside himself at my refusal to really believe we may have to evacuate the island or that there will actually be a hurricane.  By Thursday before the hurricane he explains to me that I will really have to consider going home for a few days. I asked why he was so worried - the house is on stilts, if it gets knocked over, we can just safely float around on our house raft.  He got a little twitchy and told me to stop talking to him.

As an aside, I must tell you that all this talk of leaving and weather and mayhem, etc., and my refusal to accept that it would actually happen, leads me to believe that I would have been one of those Jews who got stuck in Nazi Germany after refusing to heed warnings to flee.  So, luckily for me, my ancestors left Europe in the early 1900s and didn't have to depend on me to keep our family from perishing.

But, back to Twitchy The Party...he is not happy, so being the ray of sunshine I am, I agree that we can go home Thursday night until Sunday or Monday.  He thought that was very big of me, especially considering that there was now a mandatory evacuation for the island and I didn't really have a choice.  Ev.  I said I would go and went without having to be removed by authorities, I get credit for niceness and cooperation.

As you all know, the hurricane was more of a tropical storm and although there was flooding in some places, we (thankfully) didn't have any kind of Katrina situation.  LBI didn't actually seem to have any damage or flooding at all, if you don't count that half the beach was missing.

During the remaining week of our vacation the weather was gorgeous!  Perfect beach days.  I knew my good pal Mother Nature would reward me for my loyal belief in her.  Also, as a result of the ocean and beach getting all churned up - lots of really cool shells.   See, I knew I was one of Mother N's favorites.

My children, however, clearly do not favor me the way Mother Nature does.  They spent most of our vacation bugging the crap out of each other and then running to me whining and complaining about each other.  Yes, you are remembering correctly, they are 16 and 13.  Reminding them of this did nothing to cure them and they even had the nerve to be annoyed and insulted that we didn't like how they were acting!!!  In case you were wondering, 14 days is the exact right number of days of vacation because it matches up exactly with the number of days I can be practically 24/7 with ridiculous children.

OMG - do you guys
remember her?
"It's not nice to fool
Mother Nature."
You will be relieved to know that I did get some time to go shopping with my friend Kim.  We went in this one super cute shop that had tons of bags, hats, shoes, and accessories.  I decided to buy 2 little pocketbooks that were perfect for going out at night (yes, that's right, Kim, I said pocketbook, not handbag, you're not my boss) and a really fun necklace.  I take my stuff to the counter.  The girl that was helping me is ringing me up and the other salesgirl asks me did I want my things in a bag.  She asks me in a way that makes me think there is some other option, so I say "As opposed to"?  She gives me this blank stare and then says "Well, nothing.  I just meant did you want your things in a bag."  Are you kidding me?  I didn't just buy milk at 7-11.  Of course I want a bag!  Am I going to just walk out carrying 2 bags and a necklace in my hand????  I nicely smiled and said yes, I did indeed want a bag, thank you.  It was my good deed for the day to not be sarcastic to her.  It was just my way of throwing some good karma back into the universe so I would remain in Mother Nature's good graces.

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