Monday, January 31, 2011


Okay, so here is what's troubling me today.

It's extremely beautiful
Wait, before I go any further, I have to tell those of you who don't know me that I have a whistle.  What?  Yes, a whistle.  Like a referee whistle, only better.  It's better because my friend, knowing I wanted one, gave me one on a beautiful beaded and sparkly necklace, AND, she bedazzled the actual whistle.

I decided a couple of weeks ago that people were annoying me.  People in my house.  People out in public.  What better way to deal with this than just start blowing a whistle at someone who is being rude or loud or not listening or fresh.  My husband protested the idea vehemently and said there was no way anyone would agree with me.  Fast forward -I have a beautiful beaded whistle.  And lots of friends who are considering getting their own.

I don't even actually have to blow the whistle, sometimes I just pretend to hold a whistle to my mouth and pretend to blow.  Husband and children know it's a laugh riot but refuse to acknowledge.

Anyhoo, there are several things going on that warrant people getting a whistle blown at them.

First is my children.  They are being so annoying today I can't even stand it.  If my 15 year old son gives me one more tip on parenting his 13 year old sister, you are gonna hear the whistle from there.  And if the girl child doesn't keep her death glare to herself...I think her face may actually freeze that way and it would serve her right.

Please be sure to look in the comment section below where I am sure my mother will chime in what good children they are when they are with her.  Whistle.

your hair looks stupid too
Next - Charlie Sheen.  WTF?  Hearing about him and strippers or hookers or would-be models getting into some sort of problem isn't even news anymore.  Apparently, he is now in the hospital because his hernia (??) was acting up.  He had to be rushed there in the middle of his little party.  Whistle.  And smack.

And you know what?  A big whistle to all these women he's always with.  Based on the current information we have on Chuck, what makes you think hanging with him is a good plan?  It never ends well and no one has gotten famous for being involved in his escapades.  It's not a good career move.

I bet if Conchata Ferrell and Jon Cryer could get Charlie alone in a room they would beat the snot out of him.  They wouldn't whistle at him, but I bet they'd have a place they'd like to shove the whistle.

So, done with Charlie.  Onto Boy George.  What?  Yes, Boy George.

Just Say No!
Get your 2012 calendars out because Boy George, now free from prison, has announced that Culture Club is reuniting and gearing up for a world tour in 2012.  Whistle.

I wasn't even aware they had "broken up."  I thought they just stopped performing because no one wanted to see them anymore.  And because Boy George was so often busy cleaning streets as part of his work release.

And, to wrap it up, we are gonna have to give a big whistle to President Mubarak of Egypt.  Dude, things are not going well for you.  In the past there have been like 6 assassination attempts with your name on them.  That is a message.  Maybe try giving the democracy thing a whirl.  People are not big fans of oppression.  Just saying.

You should all be aware that because we discussed current events this counts as a serious and meaningful adult conversation.  You should feel free to act superior to your friends and family for the remainder of the day.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

List of Suggestions for Family Harmony

I speak English.  I am certain I have complete command of the language.  It is the only language I have ever spoken.  It is the only language my husband and children speak, yet...I am constantly met with stares of confusion and lack of comprehension.  I could say something 100 times and they look at me in shock and disbelief like they had no idea there was a problem.

I have decided maybe my family needs a handbook or users manual for living here.  These are just the top few things that come to mind I think they should know.

1.  All the surfaces in the kitchen are wipeable.

2.  You should not be surprised if you walk through mud that there will be mud on your shoes.  If you don't take your shoes off, there will be mud on the floor.  As you may or may not know at this point, that annoys me.

3.  If we are out of toilet paper and you don't tell me and I go into the bathroom and there's no toilet paper, I want to strangle you.  I have considered signing you out of school early/ showing up at work to do so.

4.  I don't know where your (fill in the blank) is.  And, I don't care.  Even if I am pretending I do.

5.  If I am having a cocktail and am still finding you annoying, then you are being really annoying.  Try to cut it out.

6.  I don't want to share the bathroom.  At all.  I don't want to share it at all with my children.  I know our bathroom is better than yours, but get out.  I also don't want to share with my husband.  I know we have a beautiful new bathroom that is plenty big for us both, but get out.  Your turn is whenever I am not in there.  We don't need that much togetherness.

7.  If you need any item that needs to be purchased from the store, please let me know as soon as you find out.  This includes, but is not limited to, clothing, birthday gifts, items for school, art supplies, medical supplies, costumes.  If you tell me an hour before the store closes the night before you need it, there is only so much I can do for you.  This is closely related to letting me know if you need something baked.  I want to know when you get home from school, not in passing before you go to bed.

8.  If I am in a horizontal position on a sofa or a bed and my eyes are closed, that means I am sleeping.  You cannot just start talking to me as if we were in the middle of a conversation.  I won't have any idea what your are talking about and I am not likely to do anything for you.

I could continue, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone with too much information.  I will get this list printed up and see how much progress we make before I add any more.  Feel free to place your bets on my success at

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Practically a Celebrity

Very exciting news!  My friend at stark.raving.mad.mommy made me her guest blogger today.  Yay me.  I am feeling very full of myself and have been snubbing people all day on Facebook, acting like I am too good to comment on their statuses.  Most don't actually know that I am guest blogging, nor have they noticed my lack of commenting, but we know, and that's all that matters.

It's perfect being featured on someone else's blog.  It's like having a party at someone else's house so you don't have to clean yours.  SRMM's blog is all pretty and well put together.  Donkeys to College is still kind of messy and not quite right.

I want to thank all of SRMM's followers who came over here and read my blog.  It was very exciting to see the stats today.  I had more people look today than I did the whole week I have been up and running.  Thanks guys!!  Of course, also lots of thanks to my friends who have been posting my link.  xo 

For those of you wondering, I am making great strides over here.  Just yesterday, I added Tab #2 - the "Home" tab.  Yes, it's true that I could have had a "Home" tab all along if I hadn't accidentally deleted it when I was setting up the "About" tab, but that's of no matter now.  The technological advances we (think Royal We) are making here at Donkeys to College are truly staggering.  I mean we are sailing right along into the 21st century.  It's really very cutting edge.

Not my child.
My child wasn't smiling
when he had to shovel.

Let's see, what else do we need to discuss?  Well, it snowed a lot here and I had to shovel.  But, if you know how to play along at home, you know that is "Not News."

What is news would be the State of the Union Obama gave the other night.  I will tell you that I missed it because my daughter had a basketball game, but I read a couple summaries.  I am happy to fill you in if you too had something else to do, but don't want to seem hopelessly unaware of what is going on in the country.

Here you go...In the spirit of unity and love of country, many politicians crossed partisan boundaries and sat together.  I think there were a few tears and I am pretty sure they were singing Kumbaya.  Obama's speech was initially met with support and there didn't seem to be any hecklers.  Also, it seemed that Obama looked a little orange-y.  There was some discussion (of my Facebook friends) that either he was jaundiced or a little heavy-handed with the self tanner.

Fast forward a day, the GOP still thinks Obama stinks and that he didn't offer up any real information or plans. 

Unfortunately, politics has gotten to the point where our president (any president) can't do anything right.  It is perhaps the most thankless job on the planet.  I am not exactly sure how we keep getting people to agree to do it.  It doesn't even pay that much money.  And it makes your hair turn gray.  I think the real upside to the job is that when you are done, no matter how much anyone disliked you, everyone is willing to pay a lot of money to have you come speak.

Notice she is a little
orange-y, like
Obama was.
In other less serious, but far more troubling news, Lady Gaga is in the works to create a new perfume that smells like...and no I am not kidding...blood and semen.  I read this on PopEater so there is at least a chance that it's true.  Even if it's just a small chance - are you kidding me!?!?!?!?!  This might possibly even more gross than the stinkbug in my shower the other day (see Stinkbug post).

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Whether it's Cold, or Whether it's Hot...

Not that kind of Tab
 Before we can discuss anything else, I need to point out that there is now an "About" tab.  I could not be more pleased with myself.  I know lots of other blogs and web sites have many tabs, but there is only one here.  If you feel like you need more than one tab, just click on this one a bunch of different times, it will feel like more.

I am still trying very hard to get the e-mail subscription box to work so that people can be notified by e-mail (if they want) when there is a new post.  It's not working because FeedBurner is conspiring against me and trying to make me look stupid.  (No, I really don't know what FeedBurner is either, but we need to make friends with it).

Living where I do, outside of Philadelphia, it's cold in the winter.  It sometimes snows.  Despite the fact it is always this way, a lot of people get themselves into a big uproar every time it's very cold or it snows.  These are the same people who empty out the supermarket in preparation.  I am not sure in preparation for what.  Do they think they will be magically transported into the frozen tundra somewhere never to be heard from again? 

The longest anyone around here has every truly been snowed in is for like one day.  And, the truth is, most of us feel compelled to shovel out immediately and drive somewhere, just to prove we can.  You should know my husband is not one of these people and is beyond troubled by me when I suggest going out to eat or to a movie during snow "events"  (sometimes called snow "emergencies" by city officials).  He's a big rule follower.

Despite my understanding of the climate in which I live, I am going to have to complain to Mother Nature a little bit.  I get it - you control the weather.  You can make it as cold as you want.  But, honestly, once it's cold enough to snow, do we need it any colder?  What is the point of 7 degrees?  Or 12 degrees?  That is really just showboating.  It's not pleasant for anyone. 

Please note that is a phone pole.  Unless we want that
much snow, let's try to find the person who is still
 throwing their soda cans out with the regular trash.
This leads me to believe Mother Nature is pretty annoyed with someone.  I don't know if it's the littering or the non-recycling or somebody's lack of appreciation for nature, but if you are the person causing the problem - cut it out!  We shouldn't all have to suffer because you are a non-cooperator.  In our group attempt to flush out the troublemaker I think we should direct our focus to someone in the south.  I don't want to wrongly accuse anyone, but Atlanta was just snowed/iced in for like a week.  They never get ice and snow!  Just saying.

And people from the south, don't write me telling me I am picking on you.  I did not make up the Atlanta weather.  I am merely putting together pieces of the puzzle. 

In summary:
*  It's cold in the winter.
*  There is snow in the winter.
*  I am blaming the needlessly cold weather on someone with a bad attitude.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Well That is Certainly Interesting

First, let me update you on my progress regarding the actual construction of the site.  I was able to figure out how to change the template to one that had more fonts and features, so that was good. 

I thought it would be cool to design a little donkey wearing a college sweatshirt or sweater for the logo.  Turns out it doesn't matter weather it's a sweatshirt or a sweater because my drawing looks like a pig, not a donkey.  Moving on.
Not the Donkey I want to use.

Did you enjoy the "about" tab where you could see how the blog got its name?  No, I didn't think so, because it's not there.  Again, moving on.

My friend from stark.raving.mad.mommy (awesome blog, go run right over and read it) has been trying to help me via e-mails and I am so appreciating it, but I am fearful she will soon grow weary as she slowly (or not so slowly) realizes I am not quite as clever as I would have had her believe.  Please notice though I did figure out how to embed her link into the text here (and I knew how to properly use the phrase "embed her link into the text").  

Also not the donkey I want to use.

So, in an attempt to familiarize myself with the blog world, I have been using the "next blog" key which is kind of like the shuffle on an iPod.  What I have come to find out is that a lot of people love Jesus, knitting and handbags.  Not necessarily in that order.  Also, the people who love Jesus and knitting tend to not be writing anything about Jesus or knitting, they just want you to know.  The handbag people on the other hand are VERY devoted to handbag shopping.  I didn't realize there was quite so much to say about it.

While the handbag people are a tad overzealous, they are at least focused.  A lot of the other blogs will say something like "Hi, my name is Karen and I love Jesus and Knitting" and then go on to randomly start the middle of a conversation, which is peppered with photos of nothing related to the conversation.  You can't really tell if "Karen" is talking to someone she knows (on the order of family update kind of blog) or she's talking to the world at large.  I picture "Karen" with a lot of cats.

Amateur photography blogs are pretty big also.  I will cut to the chase here and just spell out what we all already know.  With relatively little exception, no one is interested in someone else's scenery photographs.  Even if they are well composed and perfectly lit.  If you are reading this and you are someone with a photography blog, I of course don't mean you.  Your photos are lovely and I was very moved.

Of course, there were lots of fun blogs that were interesting and had cool features.  I am hoping to work in that direction.  I am amazed at the number of people who actually know what they are doing.  I am a little worried that one of those people is going to find their way over to my blog and leave a little "eye rolling" clip art under the comment section.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that none of the cool kids find me and try to stuff me in a locker.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Urgent Update: Stinkbug Pandemic Causes Rise in Blood Pressure

Ucccchhhhhhh!!!  There was a tremendous stinkbug incident here today and I have to share so you will know what to tell the paramedics if I am unable to communicate due to my passing out or having a stroke.

I get in the shower, get completely wet with warm, toasty water and then look up. Stinkbug.  Right in the middle of the shower head.  Sooo grosssssss I can't even say.  I want to flick it off - but to where?  Bad enough it could touch my hand, but I am naked.  What if something goes wrong?  My blood pressure is going back up just telling you about it.  I could turn off shower, get out, get tissue, remove bug to toilet, flush and then resume shower.  But, now I am wet and cozy/toasty.  I will be cold if I get out.  But the bug can't stay or I will throw up.

I take my razor and use the handle to poke it to the ground.  Then, I take the shower head off and direct gross hateful bug to the drain.  I spray it hard and make sure its little legs aren't dangling on the grate.  Down the drain it goes.  I feel certain it's dead since it left its yucky stinkbug smell.  But no!!!  Just as I relax, I look down and that sucker is back!!!  Crawling towards my foot.  Ucchhhh!  Really, I am going to throw up.

Repeat shower head/bug down drain drill (because, honestly, I am not getting out and getting cold).  Now I continue with my shower, but every time I relax I get a quick burst of blood pressure-increasing adrenaline as I remember to look and make sure it's gone. 

Finally, I have moved on and start to shave under my arms (sorry for TMI, but we need it for the story) when suddenly I realize I am going to have a stroke because there is a bug crawling down my leg!!!!

So, as it turns out, just a blob of shaving cream running down my leg.  But still, very upsetting and alarming.

In closing, you can see that the ever-growing presence of these bugs (one might say pandemic) is a public health threat.  And, yes, I know, the word pandemic is really only used by people when they think they are smarter than every one and they want to show that they mean a really wide-spread epidemic.  But, it is fitting in this case.  This is VERY SERIOUS.  I mean, you cannot kill these bugs.  If you smush them they leave a smell that makes you gag and probably causes brain damage.  If you spray them with bug spray they just laugh and give you the finger.

News/ Not News

Before we get started on the explanation of our game.  I will update you on the progress of the blog designing.  If you were here yesterday, you can see nothing has changed.  I have attempted to change several things, only to have to quickly hit the Undo button and yell silently in my head "Undo! Undo!"  For now you will just have to continue to enjoy the orange swirly background.

News/Not News.  This is the game I play when I am watching the news (which honestly, I try not to do too much for an assortment of reasons) with my husband.  I can play with other people, but it's generally alarming to strangers when I do it in places like the doctor's office or the bank.  It usually involves me commenting that whatever is being announced as news isn't. 

Once you tell me that it's going to snow and how much, we're done.  That is the "news" portion of the story.  Repeating it a bunch of different ways and throwing in snow facts isn't news.  It's filler.  I get that you may have 3 more minutes of t.v. time to fill, but I don't need to know that not only is it going to snow, but in the past during the winter, it has often snowed.  Or that snow often causes a lot of problems with traffic.  That is what we call the "not news" portion of your report.  If you have to fill time, share something helpful, like which stores still have snow boots or snow shovels. 

I used weather as my example, but real news works the same way.  The fact that they caught the guy who shot Giffords and all those other people is news.  The fact that he supposedly had on a red g-string when they caught him is not news (it's not even all that interesting).  It's not news because it doesn't tell you anything more about what happened or how or why it happened.

And don't get me started on sports commentators, who are the biggest offenders. I should tell you that my obsession with playing the sports version of this game is in part why we are here at Blog Central.  When I go on a tear about the ridiculousness of news or sports reporting and give my own running commentary of the way things should be reported, my husband will often look over at me and smile and say "You know where would be a good place to share this?  A blog."  This appears to be a statement meant to encourage me to write a blog, but I am starting to think he maybe just wants me to stop interrupting what he's listening to.  But really, why does he need to hear 3 guys who used to play sports discuss a game that is over and that he watched first hand?

How is it "news" for someone to share that whatever team lost could have won if they played better and got more points?  Running commentary during the game is also painful.  While we are waiting for plays to be set up or a time out or whatnot, fill the time by telling me what time and channels the good t.v. shows are on later after the game.  Let me know what new restaurants are opening in the area.  It is not news to tell me the number of games played this season that had one odd number score and one even number score.  It is not news to tell me that the coach thinks Sundays are the best days to play except for when everyone on the team needs new shoe laces at the same time; then Tuesdays are the best day for that week.  This is the kind stuff sports guys ramble off to kill time.  Hmmm, so, too late on the not getting started on the sports commentators.

So as not to belabor the point (again, perhaps too late) I will just say the game Art/Not Art is very similar and all you need to know is that most modern art falls into the "not art" category - even if you enjoy looking at it.  It's kind of a big giant Emperor's New Clothes scam.  Nobody wants to say it, but we all know it's true.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What level of dim will I seem if I don't understand half of the directions I just read to get the blog up and running?

In case anyone is wondering, the title is a rhetorical question.  I don't need the first comments to my blog to be people rating my level of stupid.  I think we can wait until we are closer friends for that.

So, pretty much, I have figured out how to change the font style and color.  I read (okay, read through sort of) the entire Blogger for Dummies, but so far I am not seeing how what I read and what I am doing are related.  The one thing I did get from the book is that you can use your blog to generate income.  I think that is a very loose usage of those words.  Far as I can tell, in order to generate income you have to allow Blogger to put ads on your site and then - here's the tricky part - people who visit your blog have to click on the link for the ad.  It doesn't sound too tricky, BUT, you get paid approximately 10¢ for like every 1000 people who click on the link.  I am pretty sure I can generate more income by looking in the sofa cushions when I visit my friends' houses.

I think my lack of ability to actually operate the blog will make it harder for me to win the award for Best Smartass Blog in a Comedy or Musical.  I am not even trying for the Drama category - too much competition.

What?  They don't give out that award?  Guess that'll make it even harder.

As for the title of my blog, I am figuring that only my mother and a few others will get what it means.  If I was set up at this point to give prizes, I would be offering one to the first person to correctly guess what it means.  Okay, I will give you a clue.  It's part of a joke/riddle.  But, don't ask me any more, you have to guess.  Not that it will help you come up with the answer, but it's important to know that I find the title amusing (okay, maybe not important, but worthy of note).  It might also interest you to know that I find a lot of what I say and do amusing.  As fate would have it, not everyone else thinks I am as funny/amusing as I think I am.  In real life there is nothing I can do about that.  On Facebook, I defriend those people.

I think in my next post I will explain one of my favorite games - News, Not News.  It is closely related to one of my other favorite games - Commentary on the Commentary/ How do some people get their jobs?

I would like to close with some clever sign off that could become my "thing," but I don't have one.  That may or may not change in the future.

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