Thursday, September 27, 2012

You Should Be Able To Tell The Difference

If you are being mocked in a
Willy Wonka meme, you know
you're in trouble.
Poor Mitt.  I am not a Mitt Romney supporter, but I am feeling a little bit bad for him.  His comments about rolling down the windows in an airplane are right up there with Jessica Simpson's long-ago comment about Chicken of the Sea (tuna) where she asked (out loud, on TV) whether it was chicken or fish.  I expect that level of confusion from Jessica, not so much from the person hoping to lead the free world.

By the time you read this Mitt may have commented on his faux pas (You guys all know you can't open airplane windows and why - right?  Right?  Don't worry, even if you don't know, it's not like you are running for president.).  I really can't imagine what he's going to say that's going to make this better.  But, here's the thing, even if you don't like Mitt, it's not like stupid is his problem.  There are so many important matters at stake in this election, and now we will be stuck hearing about this forever.

Maybe Mitt should just say that he had seizure or a stroke.  No, that will probably just make it worse.  Maybe he could say he was kidding.  You know, act all serious like he's going to make an important statement about the matter and just smile real big and say "Gotcha!" and then do a one-two finger gun with sound effects.  Yeah, I think that's they way he should go with this.

Here are a couple other knuckled-headed things that one might expect from rehab-bound celebs, but not from people who want us to think they are smart, caring, and leaders in the community:

Rush Limbaugh:  Recently commented on a study that said male genitalia is 10% smaller than it was 50 years ago (that's not really a good thing for anyone involved - and who even comes up with these studies).  Rush has attributed this shrinkage to the rise in feminism over the the last 50 years.  Hardee har har Rush.

How does Lindsay expect to be taken
seriously as a community leader with
that bobby pin in her hair?  Why is
it even there? It's not doing anything.
Pat Robertson:  Pat, who reportedly hangs with Mitt, counseled a man on the 700 Club who complained about his disrespectful and disobedient wife, "Well, you could become a Muslim and you could beat her."  Hello Pat...the microphone is on.  People can hear you.  He then went on to say "I don't think we condone wife-beating these days, but something has got to be done to make her."  I am concerned that Pat doesn't "think" we condone wife-beating.  He's not sure.  I think you know Pat Robertson is getting a whistle and a smack.  And a shove.

The upside here is that Jessica Simpson hasn't said anything ridiculous this last week or two, so maybe she could run for president or get a radio or TV show.  I was going to say that Lindsay Lohan had been recently cleaning up her act and might make a good future VP or something, but I think she hit some guy with her car a couple weeks ago, so I guess she's still out.

Monday, September 10, 2012

And Now How Will I Make A Lot Of Money?

As promised, we will move off of serious topics and on to fun stuff like the beach and books.  And whatever else I can think of.  You know, sometimes this stuff just jumps right onto the page before I even know what's happening.

A simple little shack like this
is all I am looking for.  I'm
not picky, I can rough it.
We were in Long Beach Island last week.  That looks so weird when I write it, because really, we were on Long Beach Island.  But, that's not what people say, so just go with it.  Anyway, so we are down the shore for our annual August vacation there.  We rent someplace different every year; ever in the quest for the perfect house and location.  This was a great location and a very good house.  I think we would stay there again.  Unless, something even better comes along.  The caveat to that is there is always something better if you have enough money.  And, what I really want is my own beach house, which brings us to my problem.

As I have said before, I need a way to make more money.  Or any.  As fate would have it, Smartass Blogger hasn't turned out to be super lucrative, which is a total bummer.  Back in the olden days, didn't courts have jesters?  Those guys lived pretty good.  Smartass is essentially the modern-day version of that without the harlequin-styled full-body stocking with pointy toes and bells.  One might say the sophisticated version.  Anyway, until I can make some progress on getting Smartass made into a national cabinet position (apparently the economy and health care are more pressing - whatever), I have to think of something else.

I am supposed to be
naked AND hurry up?
I don't think so.
When I was lying on bed thinking (no, not napping), my back started to hurt.  I then realized it had been hurting a lot lately anytime I laid on it for too long.  Crap!  I guess I can cross prostitute off my list as a way to make money.  I mean, I guess I still could be one, but I would have to be one of those creative, fancy prostitutes and that sounds like a lot more effort than I am interested in.

So, some other jobs I thought I could do that would make me a lot of money were professional baseball player (I can catch and throw and stand there as good as the next guy), sportscaster (I am sure my commentary would be far more interesting and germane), and Emmy or Oscar host (like I couldn't do a better job than some of those hacks).  Notice, I know my own limits and did not say Tony host.  Neil Patrick Harris is beyawesome (beyond awesome, make a note of word usage for the future), funny and can sing.  I definitely couldn't beat him out for the job.

You may be wondering why I don't just go out and get a regular job.  Well, that is because I don't want to.  More specifically, I don't want to work hard and save my money up over time.  I am looking for a short-term, high-return kind of job, hence the above list.  And because I am realistic in my goals, you'll notice I didn't just say I hoped I won the lottery.  I mean I do hope it, but I know that is not likely to happen.

See...I told you.
I will let you all know how Operation Beach House is panning out as developments occur.  In the meantime, I wanted to talk about books, as promised, because we are very brainy and read-y around here and we want other people to know how much we value personal growth and learning.  That said, my big read recently was the Shades of Grey trilogy.  If you like poorly written romance novels where the characters are clingy, possessive, indecisive and insecure, then these are the books for you.  I actually read them before the word was out exactly what they were about.  Obviously, the big draw was the steamy factor.  Really steamy.  Like porn. The person who passed the books on to me merely said "you'll see what the big deal is."  My first thought when I got to the porn part love scene was "Huh...didn't see that coming." followed by "That's kind of different...hadn't thought of that."  By about half-way through the second book I was more like "yeah, yeah, yeah, handcuffs...what else ya got?"

Wait!!  That's how I can make a lot of money!  I will re-write the Shades of Grey books, translating them from insipid and impossible to realistic and cutting edge.  Characters will say things like "You want to put that where?" and "I certainly hope you washed that."  The sex scenes can have a reader participation part, like Mad Libs.  Cha-ching is all I have to say about this idea.  Pure gold.  Beach house here I come.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Rape Or A Bad Haircut, Just Make The Best Of It

Excuse me, he said what?!?!
No really, you're kidding right?
As I have mentioned before, I try not to talk too much about politics here at DTC.  This is mostly because I find politicians and their nonsense so annoying that it makes my head hurt.  Plus, you know, we're all here to have fun and whatnot.  But, I just had to share my thoughts on the absolutely jaw-droppingly, paralyzingly stunning ridiculousness coming out of Todd Akins and Rick Santorum's mouths.  It defies comprehension that purportedly educated, intelligent, community-minded men could think this way.

Don't get me wrong, I am not in love with Mitt Romney's or Paul Ryan's thoughts on the subject either, but Akins and Santorum just totally pissed me off with their patronizing and dismissive nonsense.  Akins, speaking as if he is some kind of authority, said (with a condescending smirk, I might add) that if a woman is legitimately raped, then her body won't let her get pregnant.  So then, any woman who gets pregnant as a result of a rape is lying?  She wasn't really raped and is really just slutty and too lazy to use birth control?  And PS, stop using the term "legitimate rape."  There is no such thing as a non-legitimate/ fake rape.  You were either raped or you were not.

Right on the heels of this, I heard the report of Santorum saying that if a woman is raped she should just have the baby and make the best of it.  For real?  Santorum has just likened being raped and pregnant to getting a bad a haircut that you just have to wait out until it looks better?  That is the amount of caring and compassion that was in his statement.  Baffling.  

Now that Clint is 107, do
you think he knew there was
no one in that chair?
Honestly, don't the Republicans have one person they can use to speak for them that is any way moderate in their thinking or can focus on what the country's real issues are (and if you think women wanting access to abortions is our country's main problem you need to look around a little better)?  I know there are normal Republicans.  I even know some.  They seem like regular, normal people (who were clearly business or finance majors in college - or maybe accounting).  Of course, one might have expected Clint Eastwood to have been more normal when he spoke.  I think the Republicans are acting like they don't think that was weird.  But it was.  Unless he was asked to do an improv skit, then I guess it was okay.  But still.

So although lots of people have already weighed in on this, I just wanted you to all know the official DTC position.  We think Akins and Santorum make Sara Palin seem charming.  So, to that end, we are skipping right over the whistle and smack and going right for the stun gun and kick in the balls.  I don't care if you are a Republican or Democrat, we at DTC do not like when women are treated or spoken about in such a clearly uncaring and belittling way.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I can now focus on telling you about the beach and some books I think you would like.  You know, regular DTC stuff.  Stuff like how US magazine can think for one minute that I am going to believe that Jordin Sparks (despite losing 50 pounds) is a size 2.  She is 6 feet tall!!  Unless she is a human skeleton (which she's not - she looks awesome), she is not a size 2.  This crap is why teenage girls have eating disorders.  Anyhoo, I'll tell you about it next time.

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