Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Helpful Hints You Didn't Ask For

*Blogger is still busting my chops and messing up the spacing.  Feel free to offer any suggestions.*

I love my family and am always happy to have quality time, but this record-long 11 day Memorial Day weekend was a little too much for me.  What?  It wasn't 11 days?  Just the usual 3 days?  Are you sure?  Hmhh...go figure.  Anyhoo, during the weekend, I noticed some things that I think need to be officially mentioned and/or remedied.  I do not even want to get into how ridiculous it is that some people (not us) need a list like this.  Since I am not one to judge, I will just give my list without commentary (What?!  It could happen).

Things Every Kid Should Be Able To Do
(This list exempts children who have issues or differences that prevent them from doing these things.  Bad attitude and petulance don't count).
Should probably be
on the list too.
1.  Tie shoes.  The right way.  Not with 2 loops (bunny ears) wrapped around each other.  That's not tying.  I don't care if your kid only ever wears slip-ons and flip-flops, he needs to learn to tie.  He just does.

2.  Swim.  Nothing fancy, just the non-drowning variety.  If you don't happen to live somewhere that your child has access to a pool, lake or ocean, consider swimming lessons at the Y.

3.  Ride a bike.  Even if she hates to do it, she should know how.  Trust me, your 11-year-old will feel embarrassed and "too old" to learn if it gets that far.  This can only snowball.  When your child meets someone at college and a romantic bike ride is suggested, she will have to feign an injury.  Lying is no way to start a relationship.  If it's a boy child it will be worse.  You can rest assured that a college-aged boy who can't ride a bike will attempt to prove he can by trying "jump" his bike between two roofs.  Teach your kid to ride the bike.

4.  Tell time on a real clock.  Being able to say the numbers on a digital clock doesn't count.  Your child needs to understand the concept of fractions of time.  I am not a math person but I understand the way a clock works.  This keeps me from being made fun of in public.  Yes, kids think it's hard.  Too bad.  If they can figure out 73 levels of Call of Duty, they can learn to tell time.

General Tips For Adults
(There are no exceptions to this list).
If you are still single,
this may be why.
1.  Room fresheners and car fresheners - no.  At least not on an ongoing basis.  First of all, they never smell like they are supposed to.  They smell like the air freshener version of whatever it is.  That is usually nauseating after awhile.  I understand that in a bathroom, it is sometimes necessary, that's not what I am talking about.  I am talking about the continuous spray models.  Your house should just smell like nothing.  Like air.  If something is making it smelly then fix it.  Same with your car.  If you have 8 different tree fresheners hanging from your rear-view mirror, there's a problem.  Stop doing whatever it is you are doing in your car.  And for God's sake, open a window.

2.  If your 9th or 10th grader is wearing an outfit to a dance that makes her look "smokin' hot," it's not an appropriate outfit.  I don't care how gorgeous your kid is; why would you want her to be attractive to grown men and/or look like a prostitute?  Super high heels, super short skirt and a super low cut shirt looks trashy on grown-ups.  On a kid it looks trashy and creepy.  Why not go for pretty?  Do you want to give a 16-year-old boy extra reasons to try to remove your daughter's clothes?

3.  Your child is not a science experiment.  First we had Blossom and her "I say I'm not judging you but I am" parenting style (please go look it up, you'll enjoy).  Now we have the couple who isn't telling the the gender of their baby.  You really have to read the article to get the full impact, but essentially they believe that we should not "make" children be any particular gender, just let them be whatever they feel.  Awesome concept.  Except here's the thing, people ARE actually male and female and we don't all live on a commune where everyone knows/understands/cares that sex and gender are two different things.  In the real world, your 5-year-old will get mistaken for a girl if he has long hair he wears in braids and sometimes wears dresses.  Nothing wrong with it if that's what he wants to do, but maybe do your kid a favor and let him know that most boys do not dress that way and that yes, people will think he's a girl.  At least then he can decide what he wants to do.  Saying your child can pick his/her own gender but not filling him in on the way the rest of the world works is mean.

4.  If your last 2 cars (about 10 year's worth) have been silver, your new car should not be silver.  Okay, that is not really a rule for everyone, that's just my opinion and I'm really only giving it so The Party doesn't think he can make me not talk about him just because he said he's not here for my amusement.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Deep and Meaningful

On the heels of yesterday’s post, it seems many of us have some question as to whether any end-of-world/Rapture scenarios would actually ever happen in the manner it’s been predicted.  Most people, of all religions, don’t seem to think the doomsday predictions even warrant discussion at all.  They have dismissed the whole thing as ridiculous.

But not everyone. Apparently, some people have spent quite a bit of time actually predicting what the housing market will look like should the Rapture occur.  This article goes so far as to analyze data to let us know how things would look. Are you kidding me?  Bizarre crap like this is what makes people believe the end of the world is actually on its way.

Besides the run on tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis of late, there have been quite a few other signs indicating the world is amiss.   I don’t know if they are harbingers of the world ending, but I don’t think they are signs that universal peace, love and friendship are on the way either.  Bottom line, people are freaks (not us though).

Here is some weird crap that is a sign of something.   I’m not sure a sign of what, but I think we should try to figure it out.  Think how popular we’d be if we discovered the meaning of life or at the very least the secret to making pizza calorie-free.

Things would have gone much
differently if people knew
Hitler was conferring with dogs.
1. I think the Hitler and the Nazis could have been thwarted from murdering millions of innocent people. Hitler believed dogs could be trained to read, write and speak. A Nazis specialist wrote a book which is said to have documented proof of dogs who could discuss complex math, religion and tell jokes. Hitler’s own dog purportedly could say “mein fuhror.” Don’t you think if people knew about this there is no way they would have let Hitler come to power?

2. Jack Sparrow Steven Tyler says he never wanted to be a judge on American Idol.  He’s got a boatload of money, why did he even agree then?  He said he thought the show was dumb in that these nobody’s couldn’t be “American Idols,” they hadn’t paid their dues.  I guess the opportunity to leer at young women was the draw.   He’s now a believer.   I’m sure we are supposed to learn a lesson from this.

Einstein's brain looks almost
as big as his whole head.  I
bet that's a sign of something.
3. Seems that people throughout time and around the world have been saving body parts of famous people.   If you read about it, you will see there is a very big yuck factor because the collectors are an odd bunch.   One doctor removed Einstein’s brain, without permission, then stole it and hid it and cut it up in a bunch of pieces.   That’s not normal.   Nor is removing and collecting Galileo’s fingers 100 years after he died.  You know there is a sign in here somewhere.   We just have to dig deep.

I am not sure if we are really supposed to try to figure out what the heck is up with this stuff or just accept that there are some bat crap crazy folks out there.   Perhaps it’s just God’s way of providing never-ending entertainment for us.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Think It All The Way Through Next Time

Forgive the formatting/ extra spaces problem.  Blogger is conspiring against me.  Pretend it doesn't bother you and you don't care and maybe Blogger will leave us alone.

I don't want to make fun of anyone who is truly a religious Christian and/or believed the Rapture was supposed to take place lat Saturday, but...I just don't think this group really sat down and thought out the logistics.  They got all crazy and erratic and started doing odd things in preparation.

Before I give my suggestions and things to consider for next time, let me just get everyone on the same page.  Here's where we are:

Please note there is a whole
church full of people still
sitting there.  That seems wrong.
Harold Camping said May 21st would be the Rapture and that all the good Christians would be going to Heaven.

I don't think two firemen are going
to be able to stop the whole
end of the world
The rest of us would be left here until October to suffer from disease, pestilence, mayhem and  general unpleasantness.

Many Christians, in preparation for the trip to Heaven, quit their jobs and sold their houses and generally rid themselves of worldly possession (personally, I would have gotten my hair and nails done if I was going to meet Jesus, not be worrying about my car, but that may likely be why I am not on the list of people going).

Some people became very worried that their pets would be left behind and ultimately suffer and be destroyed.  This was very upsetting and some people paid money to ensure their pets would be taken care of in their absence.

No one disappeared into heaven on May 21st.

A lot of people are now a little distressed and not real big fans of our friend Harold.

Harold says he must have just been a little off in predicting how things were supposed to go (ya think).  He now says the 21st was just a quiet invisible judgement day and the world will still be destroyed in October.  Also, if you didn't get on the list this last Saturday, stop trying, you're out of luck.

And just so you know, Harold did not sell any of his crap before last Saturday, figuring he'd need it all until he left.

Sooooooo , here is what I think people should have considered beforehand and what they might keep in mind for the future:

1.  There was no need to sell your stuff.  As long as you were here you needed it.  Any money
     you made from selling it would have been useless to you in Heaven.  Anything you donated
     was going to "bad" people who were getting destroyed anyway.

2.  I'm no expert, but I think it's your soul that goes to Heaven, not your whole body (just like
     when people die in regular circumstances), so the idea that people would be seen flying up 
     into heaven seems iffy.  Proof of the Rapture would more likely have been people falling 
     down dead all over the place as their souls left their bodies.

3.  Do you really think Jesus would harm your pets?  If God really thinks you are a good 
     person, would he let you worry and be upset about your pets?  Along that same vein, if it's
     evil that is being destroyed wouldn't it stand to reason that pets, other animals and 
     children all would get a pass into heaven?  (well, not all children)

4.  Those people that sold their stuff and gave away their pets really took a leap of faith that
     they were on the "going to Heaven" list.  Even if you think you are on the list, there's no 
     way to know for sure, so why not play it safe and hang on to what you need until you
     are 100% sure you don't need it?

5.  Camping's newest assertion that people were judged on the May 21st and have to wait for
     the world to be destroyed in October to go to Heaven kind of makes some problems.  Once
     again, you don't know if you are on the Heaven list.  And, apparently, if you are not, there
     is now nothing you can do about it, you've already been judged.  If that's true then what is 
     your motivation not to be a total jerk for the next 5 months and say and do whatever you 
     want?  Further, if the judgement is set, why should the "good" people continue to be good? 
     There's no extra bonus.  If you're going to Heaven, then you're going to heaven.  I don't 
     think they have room upgrades there or anything.

This is what you should be doing
until we see who's on the list.

Not to worry if the world doesn't end in October.  No need to be disappointed.  I am sure by then Harold will have worked out the kinks in the Bible math/interpretation thing he's working on and let everyone know what date he really meant to say.

Monday, May 23, 2011


The Suburban Mom Edition
Honestly?  I know there is a camera around here somewhere and I am starting to expect that Ashton Kutcher is going to pop up out from behind the sofa.  I am sure that I am being "Punk'd."*  And let me tell you this; I am not going to be a good sport about it.  I am going to kick Ashton's ass.  And then my family's.

This is what's been happening here; you tell me I'm not right:

The Party texts me during the day to ask if I could take dry cleaning.  I say "maybe" because even though I am going to do it, I don't like him to think he can boss me around.  I go up to our closet, where he keeps the dry cleaning in a pile on the floor.  There is one pair of pants and two shirts.  He was just away for a week for work, so I know there are more clothes somewhere.  Now, not only do I have to take the clothes to the dry cleaner, but I have to participate in a mini scavenger hunt first.

Because I am not just pretty, I know that somewhere (not near our bedroom or closet) The Party has emptied his suitcase.  Using my best detective skills, I locate the dry cleaning in the garage.  It's there because that is as far as the suitcase got (pretty sure our suitcase from our cruise at Christmas break is still there too with clothes in it - guess none of those needed to go to the dry cleaners).  Ha!  Nice try, but I found it.  Not that it wasn't great fun to check the spare bedroom, living room and family room first.  

Who knew we actually
had something in common?
Next attempt comes when The Party calls from work as I am making dinner.  For whatever reason (probably hidden cameras), he always calls right as I am dead in the middle of making dinner and my hands have food on them or something is burning or boiling over.  The only other time he calls is if I am on the other line.  

Let me give you some background.  If I call The Party during the day and he actually answers the phone, he is always giving me the bum's rush because he is "busy" (I know he's at work, but whatever).  But, if he calls me and I tell him I can't talk because I am on the other line or getting ready to go pick up one one of the kids or the house is on fire, all he hears is "I want nothing more than to give you my full attention and catch up on the day's events.  I think he and Ashton sit around with a stopwatch to see how long they can keep me on the phone.  There is probably a pool.

Party, Boy and SB are all in on the other scam they have running around here.  This is the one where I say something about upcoming plans we have and everyone insists that I never mentioned it before.  They actually think that I will believe that I must be hallucinating and either imagine saying things or am just talking to myself.  Funny thing is that when I start to give details of what one of them said during the "imaginary" conversation, suddenly people have a vague recollection of what I am talking about.  You know they are cursing to themselves that they didn't "get" me and are plotting a more airtight story for the next time.

So, now you all know that I am forced to be ever-vigilant in my quest to keep the crazies from taking over the asylum.  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

AKA - Home Sweet Home

*Mom - "Punk'd is an MTV show on the order of Candid Camera, but from this century.  Ashton Kutcher is the ersatz host.

That is Just Wrong

I was reading the latest post by Totally Mental Mommy, and she was shocked and appalled by a children's game she saw advertised.  I was sure she was either making it up, or fell for a prank of some sort.  No such luck.  It's a real flippin' game.  "Doggie Doo" is a game where you make your dog food and take him for walks and when you squeeze the leash...wait for it...he poops.  The extra fun part of the game is that you get a shovel to clean it up.  First player with 3 pieces of poop on his shovel wins.

"Doggie Doo" is kind of a
take off of Baby Alive, but
more gross and stupid.
Not only can you buy this game for the low low price of $29.95, you can also feel that you are connecting with the world at large as this toy was nominated for 2010 Toy of the Year in the Netherlands.  Every time your kid plays, you can picture little Dutch children in their pointy caps and wooden shoes playing across the globe.  PS, if picking up dog poop is what passes for "Toy of the Year" fun, I am taking the Netherlands off my "places to go" list, or at the very least, moving it down a few spots.

Honestly, this sort of thing just makes me wonder how the rest of us are not rolling in money.  If this idea got all the way to the shelves, I KNOW my ideas would make millions.  How could they not?  The bar is pretty low.  Before giving you my own ideas for toys and games I think will make me rich and famous, I looked around the interweb to make sure I wasn't stealing anyone else's ideas.  Don't want to start off my new career with a copyright lawsuit.

So, here's my list of games that should be a hit that no one thought of yet:

1.  21st Century Operation - Forget the attached tweezers and buzzer game in a box.  This would be a baby doll-sized "patient" that feels soft (a la Stretch Armstrong).  You roll the dice and each spot on the board tells you what operation you have to perform.  You either get money for performing it correctly or lose money/ go to jail for a fail.  You would have miniature scalpels and tweezers and inside the doll would have fake blood and organs.  You would have to remove assigned organ and stitch up (with included surgical needle and thread) before the patient bled out.  This game is perfect for would-be surgeons, but probably not good for homes with white carpets or kids under 3 (what with the scalpels).

2.  $25,000 Pyramid - The Madoff Edition - Same idea as the TV game; you have to earn the low amount to get to the higher amounts.  But, in our Madoff version, you don't give clues and answer questions.  Instead, each player must first steal real money out of a parent's wallet to invest in their opponent's "business."  If said business turns out to be a shell company, the sucker player has to recruit someone new into the game to try to earn double their money back by getting the new player to invest.  You lose if you don't have enough sales skills to get investors.  Or if your parent catches you before you are able to forge their name on a home equity loan.  Teaches kids strategy and law enforcement evasion skills.

Game includes kid-friendly
matches in fun colors.
3.  Arson - The Game - Along the lines of the Doggie Doo game, this game will teach kids to touch stuff we don't want them to touch.  You roll the dice and hope to land on spaces where you can win books of matches or lighters.  You need to collect enough matches or lighters to burn down the included cardboard buildings.  Whoever burns the most buildings down, without personally catching fire, wins.  Building assembly required.  This game should be played near water or in abandoned buildings.

So, that is all I have thought of so far.  I am working on one that involves cheating the SATs and one that involves teaching girls how to leave the house looking appropriate, but, without getting caught, take everything they need with them to look trampy by the time they get to school.  I should probably get right to work on getting all these ideas patented.  I can hear the 'cha-chings" already.

Oh!!  And wait!!  Before you get any ideas to invent any toys or games on your own, the Stump Doll is already taken.  Sorry.
Yup, it's a real thing.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Change of Plans

It's all a big joke until
someone bursts
 into flames.
It looks as though we're all going to need to change our plans for next week.  "Why" you may ask?  Word is out that the world is ending on Saturday night.  There's been a lot of hoopla about it and that your last chance to repent and beg for mercy is quickly about to expire.  This is a really big shame because this was the week I was finally going to get all the bills paid, join a gym, mail back all my returns so The Party doesn't have a stroke when he gets back from his business trip as sees them still here, clean out my closet, take my car in for the overdue oil change and learn Spanish.  Now the whole thing is ruined.

I am totally not doing any of that stuff now.  I am going to alternate eating pizza and fries with napping and reading (and ha ha, yes, that is different than my usual week).  Maybe I will throw in a little drinking.  We'll see.  I mean why should I try to shape up with only like two and half days to go?  If God is getting ready to destroy the world, he certainly is not going to be swayed by my eleventh hour switch to Christianity.  Duh, he's not stupid.  He IS God.  All knowing, that sort of thing.  Nope, I am casting my lot that God will appreciate that I stood by being Jewish. 

And based on the crazy bunch predicting the end, I don't think all you Christians are really off the hook either.  I think you don't mean it enough.  You didn't pinky swear or something.  So, I am really not too worried, because I am pretty sure I will have lots of good company wherever it is I am fated to go.

I am not nervous or anything and I am sure my attitude regarding the end of the world didn't have anything to do with it, but there was an actual tornado less than 5 miles from my house this afternoon.  The main damage it did was to blow the roof off the Beer Hut.  You don't think that's any kind of a sign do you?

 Real quote - "I only have
2 bars here, there is no
way I am getting off."
Another person who had a change of plans was the gal who got booted from the Amtrak train because she would not shut the f#&k up for 16 hours!!!  She talked loudly on her cell phone on her way from L.A. to Seattle.  Oh, and she was in the Quiet Car while she did this.  When she was finally asked to stop, she became belligerent.  Amtrak stopped the train and had the police remove her.  What I want to know is why it took 16 hours for someone to speak up?  And where were the conductors?  Why didn't one of them put the kibosh on her phone-a-thon at like hour one? 

Also, what could she have possibly had to talk about for 16 hours!?!?!?  I love to talk as much as the next person, and even I couldn't talk for that long.  Didn't she need to sleep at all?  She's just lucky that getting arrested for disorderly conduct is all that happened to her.  She could have met the same fate as the guy who stole a computer and fled.  Please be sure to enlarge the picture so you can read what happened to him.  He would have probably been better off if the world ended before he had his "accident."

You gotta be careful of those marines curbs.

As a result of the Amtrak incident, there is some cell phone-courtesy lobby group that is now using this as the perfect example of why July should be "Phone Etiquette Month."  Here's what I have to say to that...absolutely not!!!   You should not need a month dedicated to teaching you that, on occasion, you should shut your loud-ass yap.  If you had any sense, you would know that no one wants to hear you rambling constantly and loudly on your cell phone  and that cashiers don't like taking twice as long to help you because you are trying try to conduct your business in sign language so you don't have to hang up for 2 minutes. 

You all know that what we really need is a grassroots effort to arm all (normal ) people (like us) with whistles so they can swiftly and effectively convey their displeasure with rude and annoying behavior.

So, to recap for you:

1.  World is ending in a couple days.  If you are already on God's crap list, there is really
     nothing that can help you now, so just go with the flow.

2.  If you wanted to buy beer at the Beer Hut today, you are SOL.

3.  Ignorant Amtrak phone lady was pretty lucky to escape with all her teeth.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Totally Cutting Edge

Do you all see the new banner?  Isn't it exciting?  Yes, I know lots of other people have banners on their blogs.  But are we concerned with other people right now?  No, we are not.  Also, if you come visit me on Facebook, you will see the darling button/logo that I now have.  I am just busting my way into the 21st century up in here.

Isn't PC's logo
super cute too?!

No, I did not finally figure out how to do any of this.  And no, I did not design this myself.  I did however tell my new BFF from Pregnant Chicken that the banner should say "Donkeys to College" and that it should have a donkey.  She didn't just come up with that on her own you know.  Kidding aside, PC spent a lot of time and did an awesome job with the new banner and logo and I love it.  It's definitely here to stay. 

I was, however, able to change the background and fonts and colors of stuff all on my own.  Let me know what you think.  At one point today I did change the post background to a calming, peaceful beige to match the other background.  I think it looked good, but it felt too quiet.  It seemed a little too spa-ish.  Like you guys would drop by here and expect a massage and some cucumber-infused water.  I'm not sure if that's us or not.  But, be on the look-out, I could still change it from white (I know, you're on the edge of your seat with anticipation of what I might do next). 

Some other stuff happened today besides my new blog look.  Weird, right?  Anyway, today's breaking news is that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a child 10 years ago with one of the members of his household staff.  He apparently told Maria after he left office in January.  Gotta tell you, I bet the "we still love each other very much" statement he was throwing around when they announced their split was not a two-way thing.  TMZ is now digging up evidence of other possible affairs in the past.  Why?  Does it actually matter?  He's a big ass.  We don't need further proof.  Whistle, smack and kick in the junk for The Terminator.

Do you think the no
penis thing helps or
hurts how his pants fit?
When I was looking up the Arnold stuff, I came across a Chaz Bono story.  Question for you?  What makes Chaz Bono a man?  He says he has undergone a sex change operation, but my understanding is that he only had his breasts removed.  The bottom half is still original manufacturer's parts.  Of course, he is also taking male hormones.  A woman who's had a double mastectomy and /or a hysterectomy is still a woman, so why is Chaz now a man?  He does not have a penis (and honestly, how do they even make one of those that would look real or work correctly)?  Is it just the hormones that make you a man? 

Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with him calling himself a man.  If he feels better this way, good for him.  I was just wondering why taking male hormones makes it okay for him to marry a woman?  This seems like one of those vague, loop-holey, slippery slope things that if I was homosexual I would be jumping all over to support my assertion that it's okay for homosexual people to marry each other.  I mean, you take a pill and that's enough for the same-sex marriage opponents?  And, if you were to stop taking the hormones after you got married, would that make your marriage void?

Yes Party, I DO think
she is looking at you.
As an aside, Chaz needs a make-over tout suite.  Maybe he could go on TLC's "What Not To Wear."  Oh my God, that would be excellent.  I would totally watch that.  And, just some trivia for you,  The Party totally digs Stacy London and thinks she would definitely be in to him if she knew him.  Just sharing.

I want to just take this last minute to remind you about how things work around here.  Since we discussed some very serious and thought-provoking matters, you are free, nay, encouraged, to act superior to your friends for the next day or so.  They should know what a deep thinker you are and how well-versed you are on important news and issues.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New Concept: Maybe Just Don't Say Anything

Of course I don't mean me.  Or any of you.  People rely on us to make sense out of the ridiculous.  We are providing a service.  I am talking about people who ramble on at us like anyone asked them.

I wonder what the dues are.

Top of my list today is Stephen Hawking.  I know!  You wouldn't think horribly debilitated super-scientist Stephen Hawking would be on a troublemaker list, but he is.  Hawking is saying that "heaven is a myth."  Essentially, his position is that science doesn't support religion.  Um Steve, not exactly ground-breaking information.  People kind of already know that, they just don't really care.  But rather than leave believers to thoughts and ideas that bring them comfort and security, Hawking throws in an insult.  He says heaven is a fairy story for people who are afraid of the dark.  Now is that nice?  Or necessary?  I don't think so.  Yes - whistle.

"No no.  No more for me.  I
am already completely
 full of crap."
In other "shut up already" news, Donald Trump says he will not run for president in 2012.  Even though he could totally win.  He is sorry to disappoint us, but business is truly his passion and he just can't leave the private sector.  But, don't worry dear friends and fellow Americans, The Donald promises to continue to be vocal in pushing our president and government to address the serious issues (yes China, he is looking at you).  He will be speaking for those of us who believe the same way he does but do not have the forum, as he does, to share those thoughts.  So, bottom line is that Trump is promising to be the loud-mouthed blow-hard he has always been.  Excellent.  As an aside, do you think he really believes all his own bullshit?

Like me, I am sure you are worried that Charlie Sheen's friends are reporting that he is "destroyed" by Ashton Kutcher being cast in "Two and Half Men."  They fear this may cause him to spiral out of control (that ship has sailed) and that he still hasn't hit rock bottom and this might send him there.  News flash - the quicker Chuck hits rock bottom and is forced to join the rest of here on Planet Reality, the better it will be for everyone.

You know what?  I don't even
really like cupcakes anyway.
Another person I would like to invite to shut her cake hole is Candace Nelson, owner of Sprinkles Cupcakes and judge on the Food Network's Cupcake Wars.  In this article, Candace gently directs us to stop making 5 critical errors in cupcake making (I didn't even tell you what they are yet and you already want her to shut up, don't you).  First, don't measure - weigh - your cupcake ingredients.  It's better and more accurate (read more work and requires a scale you don't have).  Do not spoon into the cupcake tins.  Use an ice cream scoop so every cupcake is EXACTLY the same size and will therefore require precisely the same amount of baking time.  I already have lost interest in making cupcakes, and to avoid sure failure will just go buy some.

Lastly, here is someone who is actually in a position to tell everyone else to shut up because he is just that smart.  Bobby Bonilla.  The former Mets player is being paid by the Mets to not play baseball.  Yes, I do want that job.  I am sure that I can not play baseball as well as he can.  Please go look at the article and explain to me how the Mets thought it was cheaper to pay 1.2 million dollars a year for 25 years versus a one shot deal of 5.9 million.  Bonilla also has a similar deal with the Orioles.  Far as I can tell, Bobby is a giant pill and people will pay to get him to go away.  He might be the luckiest person ever.  And clearly, not too stupid.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What is the Matter With Florida?

This also seems wrong, 
 but at least this guy
 has his pants on.
Things may be slightly amiss in Florida.  I will just start by saying that if you are planning a vacation there, maybe don't take your pet.  It caught my eye that Florida, in an attempt to outlaw bestiality, may have accidentally outlawed all sex entirely.  Upon perusal of the whole article, I saw that the interpretation of the new statute was by the blogger "Southern Fried Science." He basically said humans are animals, so he hopes no one gets in trouble.  He does go on to give a more correct interpretation that points out the statute does differentiate between people and animals. 

Why then, if it was really just a silly blogging joke, do I mention this law to you?  Well, as fate would have it, this law was finally passed in Florida - on the third try.  The third.  I am not sure I can come up with a scenario where I don't think someone is an ass for voting against protecting animals.  No matter who you are, what religion, where you come from...the rule is the same for everyone.  Keep your junk away from animals. 

Even if you want to attribute human qualities to your favorite goat or sheep or dog, they cannot consent, so right there, the answer is no.   How do you think the conversation went  that they could not pass a "Don't Have Sex With Animals" law?  Is there some elected official who would have had the nerve to stand up and say that a statute was too restrictive?  That he (you know it would never be a she - just saying) is lobbying for some form sexual contact to be allowed if you really love your animal?  Honestly,  I am stunned.

If Buzz and Woody can't
solve the problem, it
doesn't belong at Disney.

In further upsetting Florida news, I have to bust a little bit on my beloved Disney.  Yes, I love Disney.  Not in a "my adult bedroom is decorated in Disney Princesses" or "all our dishes have Mickey and Minnie kissing" kind of scary way.  More in a "we had lots of great family vacations there and I think the place is amazingly run"  kind of way.  I know Disney World is a merchandising hell, but that doesn't bother me too too much because the whole place is just a brilliantly executed concept.

But here's the rub.  There is a report that Disney filed for several trademarks to claim the rights to the phrase "SEAL Team 6."  You are worrying me Disney.  What rides, attractions or toys is the marketing team thinking up that they need to do this?  I don't want to ever see a Disney-related military anything that has to do with 9-11, bin Laden or terrorism.  Disney is for make-believe and fantasy stuff.  That's what makes them so awesome.   They are able to make the imaginary seem real.  Real life crap is what people are trying to escape.  I also don't want to see a Disney version of "The Biggest Loser" or "Celebrity Rehab."  You just leave Mickey's Philharmagic where it is and don't try to replace it with anything new-fangled. 

So all of you normal citizens of Florida out there, you have some people to whip into shape.  We cannot have Mickey running around with his own Disney SEAL team assaulting the likes of Pluto or Bambi or Aladdin's monkey Abu.  Do you understand what I am telling you?

In other "What's the matter with you?" news we have Jesse James, who does not have the good sense to shut up already.  He continues to act like the no class, low rent cheater that he is.  Any time he says he's sorry for cheating, he manages to undo it all by saying something ignorant.  Things like he knows he was wrong, but he was never 100% into his Hollywood life with Bullock or that is relationship with Kat Von D is better and so is the sex.  James was also quoted as saying "I cheated on my wife.  Guess what?  So do millions of other men."  Okay, so are you sorry or not?  Ass.  Whistle and smack (obviously).

He's not even that cute. 
Just look at him.
He is making all these comments as he promotes his memoir.  I haven't gone to look it up, but I would bet money we have a co-author situation here.  And I use the word "co-author" loosely.  I still don't see what Sandra Bullock saw in him at all.  When she met him he was in the midst of custody crap and he has a history of dating skanky, full-of-issues types.  Really?  What was the draw?  It's a mystery.  Also, who is buying/reading this book?  I am thinking the target audience aren't big readers (yes, I know, that was a little mean).

My last thing to report from the weekend is that Boy turned 16.  How do I feel about that?  Let me tell you.  No thank you.  That's how I feel.  I am supposed to be the mom of young(ish) children, not large almost adult-like people.  He is getting ready to take his permit test.  You know...a permit to drive a car.  A car!  Also, no thank you.  In less painful news, for the fun part of my weekend, I got to sit through a double header of softball for SB.  It wasn't until the 3rd hour that I was really cold and wanted to poke myself in the eye with a stick.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Stream of Consciousness / Take That Blogger - I Saved It

Blogger was not working for the last day or so.  This meant that I couldn't write or edit anything and that none of you could comment.  Then, went it went back up, it neglected to re-post my last entry.  Luckily, I had saved it on my computer so I can re-post it myself.  Lesson learned here is that I should be saving all my posts onto my own computer in case there is some tragic Blogger implosion and everything disappears.  I hadn't even thought of it before.  Guess I am not quite as smart as I think I am.

For those of you who commented on this already, I am sorry to report Blogger took your comments as well.  Please feel free to re-post, I liked what you had written.  Also, for those of you who thought you were going to be reading a new post and are stuck with this...have like 4 or 5 drinks and then come back and read it.  It will seem new and exceptionally funny.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!  DTC


I said a couple days ago we would discuss why Bristol Palin no longer looks like Bristol Palin. Having waited an extra day paid off, because now we have some additional information. I still am not sure exactly what happened to her, but I will try my best to explain.  Pictures ca me out of what appeared to be a slimmer, much different looking Bristol.  There were lots of comments to the effect that she lost so much weight that she was unrecognizable and that perhaps she had plastic surgery.  Some buzz about her more chiseled jaw line and higher cheekbones.

 Now add in today's information, where Bristol explains that she looks different because she had corrective jaw surgery.  This was medically necessary to realign her bite. She wants you to know this was not plastic surgery; she would never get plastic surgery unless she "got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured."  I just want to throw in at this point that the person saying this is the same one who would never have sex before she was married.

 As you can see in the picture below (and please be wildly impressed that I created one picture out of two with the Snipping Tool that Totally Mental Mommy told me about) Bristol's cheekbones look the same, the bottom of her face is just longer, so they look higher. I still don't see how plain old regular bite realignment would make her face so much longer and thinner.  BTW, Bristol says she's only lost 5 pounds, which is really the same as none, so even weirder that her face is so much slimmer.  Please also note that while she is smiling in both pictures, her eyes and eyebrows no longer crinkle when she smiles.  She's kind of young for Botox, but...maybe.  I mean Botox isn't cosmetic surgery or anything.

Her eyebrows seem to have a new arch.
That's pretty impressive jaw surgery.

So, moving from one freak show to another, Bristol got me thinking that we have a lot people who are famous for being famous.  That is to say, they are famous for nothing.  They are just "regular" (I use that word loosely) people who happened to have found their way onto our radar and refused to leave.  Here is my list of people that I don't know why anyone cares one bit about and that I find to be irritating to boot:

As in crash your car into?
1. Bristol Palin

2. Anyone from The Jersey Shore

3. Anyone from Real Housewives of Anywhere

4. Paris Hilton

5. Kendra Wilkerson

6. All Kardashians

 There is a whistle/smack subcategory for the people in this group (there's a lot) who have written books.  Please help me understand why anyone would ask these people their thoughts, opinions or advice on anything?  They are usually in the midst of nonsense and drama, the only thing they are experts in is stupidness, and they are not particularly well-educated.  Why do people care what they think?

If those people get to say what they think of stuff, then I think we should too.  I mean, we are at least as smart as this crowd (we even know how to spell the word "smart").  Also, we don't need guest authors to help us write our opinions.

So, to that end, please feel free to offer your advice/opinions/thoughts below on the following matters:

1. What one article of clothing could you not live without? (pajama pants)

2. How would you get Donald Trump to embrace his hair reality and cut that crap off his

3. On a scale from 1-10 (10 is the most) how much do you want to smack a thin woman who
     says she loves to work out and sometimes forgets to eat? And again, from 1-10, how
     much self-control do you have to exercise to not accidentally trip said woman?

4. If you could only eat one food for a month, what would it be? (pizza)

This concludes our Donkey To College Should Be Better Medicated post for the day.

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