Monday, March 11, 2013

40 is Bullshit

So then, we can all agree
40 is not the problem?
Before anyone who knows me gets all up in arms, I'm not saying I'm 40.  I know I am 45.  Try reading all the way through before you get worked up and start heckling me.  Sheesh!  Everyone else, sorry for the interruption, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, 40 is bullshit.

There seems to be some imaginary line of demarcation between not yet 40 and 40.  A lot of people seem to be worried about 40 and what it really means (other than you are so not 25 anymore and no one thinks you are).  Here's the thing, 40 is not the problem.  Once you see 40 is totally no big deal, you think you're off the hook and all is well.  And hello ninja sucker punch out of nowhere.

40 is totally the same as 38 or 39.  You will go through the year thinking "I'm cool with this."  41 and 42 may ease by painlessly as well.  Then, one morning, when you are just minding your own business, you will look in the mirror and then suddenly look around behind you to see who is making the reflection in the mirror.  Surely, it can't be you because you didn't have crazy hairs on your face or bags or wrinkles or thinning hair when you went to sleep.  Stop looking around, it's you.

You made it past 40 without needing reading glasses and are all happy?  Caffeine doesn't bother you or keep you awake?  Nothing gives you heartburn?  A rogue sneeze isn't call for a clothing change?  While I am certainly happy for you - give it a minute.  By the way, there will be no warning.  One day you will have your afternoon latte and then the rest of the day will be spent wondering why you have indigestion and wondering why the directions on the Tums bottle are written so small and why all the lights in your house aren't bright enough for reading.  Then, when you're feeling better and lay down to go to sleep, you will have to get up again to pee and then you will be unable to fall asleep because you drank the latte too late in the day.

She claims to be working
with doctors who know
how to stop aging.
Um yeah, keep us posted.
Recently, Suzanne Somers, in an interview for her new book, said that 65 is her sexiest age ever.  First off, good for Suzanne.  If she feels happy and feels good - great.  But, I'm going to have to call a big bullshit on her.  Even being healthy and fit doesn't make you look or feel 25.  She might feel great overall, but she's not rolling out of bed feeling and looking sexy.  She has had work done on her face (but skipped her neck, which is weird and un-matchy), she wears lots of make-up and she either has extensions or is wearing a wig when she is on TV or photographed.  So, no matter how fabulous 65 might be, let's not pretend it's just as easy as 25 (in regard to the physical).

All that said, I wouldn't trade being 45 for being 25 again (I would actually like to send 45-year-old me back in time to straighten a few people out).  I am just saying that there is some mass conspiracy to hide all the little changes to our bodies that come our way long before menopause.  Everyone talks about menopause, but you don't hear anything about what happens after 40-ish and way before menopause.  The creaking joints, the memory issues, the acne (what is that even about) and the inability to even consider starting to go out at 10pm.  It's very hard to be cool when you are trying to be home and in your pajamas by 9:30.  And are wearing dots of zit cream.

You poor unfortunate soul.
It's sad, but true...
The universe has a very odd sense of humor and is clearly not being run by women (or is run by Ursula the Sea Hag).  Oh my God - how fun would it be to list all the things that would be different if the universe were run by women.  I think I am going to get started on that list. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

People Should Really Check With Me First

I am troubled by a lot of things.  I don't know why, I just am.  Ridiculous products, bad ideas, lame TV shows, poor marketing ideas.  Why do people not get a second (or third or fourth) opinion before they just go ahead and do things?

Here are the things that have most recently been troubling me:

There is absolutely
no reason for this
woman to be smiling.
Housecoats:  They don't even make sense.  It's not a coat you wear in your house.  It's more like a robe, only it's not really a robe.  It's more of a light-weight, ugly, snap-up-the-front dress you wear instead of your clothes when you're in your house.  I see that they still make them.  Why?  If you don't want to mess up your nice clothes while you are cooking or cleaning in your house, don't you just wear your "hang around" clothes like sweats or t-shirts?  I think the idea was that a housecoat looks nicer than that so you wouldn't look a mess if company dropped by unexpectedly?  Ummm, fail.  They are hideous.

"Clever" Business Names:  They usually aren't.  I can make allowances for hair salons; they seem to thrive on cute names like "Shear Madness" or "Hair Port" or "The Mane Attraction."  Leaving out hair salons,  there are still lots of ill-conceived names.  There is a new massage and tanning salon in my neighborhood and the name is ridiculous.  "iMassage and Club iTan" is what their big, giant, no doubt expensive, sign reads.  Hello?  The "i" in something intimates that it's related to electronics, computers or the internet.  Is this a virtual massage?  Will I be laying in a simulated version of a tanning bed?  Just no. This is a terrible name and is not clever at all.

Really?  Don't eat donuts
is the best advice Dr. Drew
can offer us?
Fake Advice:  Telling us something that everyone already knows is not giving advice, it's being annoying.  For example, last week I saw a clip from the show The Doctors.  Mandisa (from American Idol) was on explaining how she lost over 100 pounds.  Dr Drew (who we know is a real doctor because he is wearing scrubs) lets the viewers know that the way to lose weight is to replace bad habits with good ones.  He goes on to say, out loud, that things like switching eating donuts with eating apples is a good switch.  Really?  If I eat an apple instead of a donut, that will help me get thinner and be healthier?  That's brilliant.

Bad Handshakes:  It's all I can do not to yell at people who give a wishy-washy limp-wristed handshake.  Male or female - learn to shake hands the right way!  Men - you have no idea how obnoxious you seem when you half-way touch my hand and give an anemic shake.  I am pretty sure you don't shake other men's hands that way.  Women, when you do it, you just seem silly and no one will take you seriously.  This is not a hard thing; do it the right way.  And while we're here, make sure you are teaching both your sons and daughters how to properly shake hands.

I'm hoping maybe he's
just growing those bad
boys for his next role.
That is it for now.  I mean lots of other things annoy me, but these are currently the top four.  And, if I rant too much I will start to seem a little Andy Rooney-ish.  Oh wait - there's another one!  I am troubled by people who do not take inventory of their facial hair.  Did you guys ever see Andy Rooney's eyebrows?  And oh my God, I think Daniel Day Lewis is great and very nice looking, but what's up with the brows?  He almost looks like he has hairy eyelids.  And, I think we can all agree that unchecked nose hair is very upsetting.

Okay, now I 'm done for real. 

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