Thursday, December 29, 2011

If You Are Easily Distrac...Wait, What?

It's always nice when
siblings get extra
togetherness time.
Hello all!  I hope everyone had a nice Chanukah or Christmas or Christmakah or whatever you were celebrating.  We had several nice celebrations with different parts of our families.  No one had to get voted off the island; always a plus.  SB and Boy were both happy with all their gifts and were thankful and polite to us and everyone else who gave them gifts.  They were still intolerable to each other, which is painful to listen to, but no one had to get punished or beaten, so there's that.


The Party and the kids got me a Kindle Fire and a North Face jacket.  They were both just what I wanted.  I was guaranteed to get what I wanted since I specifically said "This is what I want."  I take that back.  I have said that before and not gotten what I wanted because someone thought I didn't really mean it.  How much more clear can I be?  Do I actually have to say the words "and I mean it" in order to be believed?  Why would I lie?  Am I trying to trick someone into getting me the wrong gift?


Anyhoo, I digress.  I was figuring that since people are all busy this week with holiday stuff and kids, I would just  share some random thoughts in small chunks so you could stop at any point and not feel you were missing the end of a story.  If you choose to abandon ship mid-sentence, however, I really can't help you.  I have color-coded for your enjoyment.


MO: He said what about my ass?
JS: Uh uh uh, ummm, I meant I
just don't think your ass is small.
MO: Where is my stun gun?
Jim Sensenbrenner, Wisconsin Congressman, essentially called Michelle Obama a fat ass.  I will explain.  The Congressman basically said that the First Lady doesn't seem to be following her own advice about eating right because she kind of has a big back yard.  Really?!?!  Really!?!?  It seems like the congressman is saying that Michelle Obama shouldn't preach eating healthy if she does not eat healthy 100% of the time (she did admit to the occasional hamburger and fries).  He was dismissing her healthy eating initiative because she doesn't look like what he considers to be thin?  First of all Jim, she's sure as hell thinner than you.  Second, she's built completely fine.  She looks fit and healthy.  Does the congressman think no one should offer good advice on any topic unless they are flawless in their own execution of said advice?  Kind of ironic coming from a politician, no?


As an update, the Congressman said that he was merely trying to say the government shouldn't tell people what they should eat.  He did also say he would contact the First Lady to apologize.  I bet she can't wait for the call.  Also, as an aside, I don't think Michelle Obama is trying to get laws enacted that say what you can and can't eat.  I think she is just trying to make known what healthy eating looks like and what ways we can go about achieving that.  Seems like a pretty good initiative to me.  Personally, I am lobbying to have her get cheese fries added to the food pyramid (or whatever shape they are using these day).  Loud whistle and sharp smack for Sensenbrenner.  Find something important to rally against.


I like and dislike Winter Break.  I like the whole holiday, festive thing.  Gifts are always good too.  It's nice not to have to rush around to a million activities and to see more of my kids and The Party.  I even like entertaining and cooking (more in theory than execution, but I'll keep it in the plus column).  I dislike my kids annoying the crap out of each other and me for no good reason.  I dislike how much it costs me when people are home day after day.  I dislike how long it takes to get ready for company and then clean up after.  The fun should last longer than the prep and wrap-up.  I like going to other people's houses for celebrations because it's easier, but I dislike when they don't have the food that I want them to have.  I think people should serve what I would have made at my house, so I don't have to make it.  I dislike that Winter Break is in the winter and therefore it's kind of cold.  I don't know why, but I was surprised yesterday when it was freezing f-ing cold!!  I know it's December, but still.


That is just quality humor
right there.
I have nothing really to say about the picture next to this paragraph.  I just think it's hysterical and laugh every time I look at it.  I wish I could wear it as a shirt.  To PTA meetings.  And write whose name I mean on it.  Or maybe instead of those bracelets that say WWJD on them, I could get a STFU bracelet.  I know, not really the same sentiment, but you don't know - maybe that's what Jesus would say to do.


I really still do not get the beauty of The Twitter.  What I do now understand about it though is that the die-hard Twitter peeps will completely mock you and think you are a loser if you don't understand/get the whole hash mark(#) thing.  So, of course I really cannot comment on some stuff there without appearing hopelessly dorky and old.  If you are a Twitter lover, please do not run back over there and get people to gang up on me.  Further - # - is a pound sign, not a hash mark.  What the F does "hash mark" really mean anyway?  And another thing, 140 characters is not enough to conduct a real conversation back and forth since the name of who you are responding to counts towards the number of characters you can use.  See, you are already confused too and don't see what's so fun about The Twitter either.  I could go on, but I know most of you got lost around the second sentence and are now dozing.


You will notice these treats
are surrounded by fruit
because they are both equally
good for you.
Oh wait!!  I totally forgot, there are other things that I like and dislike about Winter Break.  I like that all food, healthy, crappy, or otherwise, is calorie-free and good for you if you are eating it during vacation or in conjunction with a holiday celebration.  In addition, if you are home with your kids over break, it's also fine.  This is a scientific fact.  Please note, however, there is a caveat.  If you take a bite of something and you don't really like it, but eat it anyway, the calories count.  This is in place so you don't take advantage of the system.  For real, this has been proven in many important studies.  You can waste your time and look it up if you want, but...  I do not like when baked goods look delicious and wonderful and are then only "eh."  That is a big giant cheat.


In January I will have been blogging for a year.  So far I think it has been going pretty well.  Nobody has yelled at me or called me names or begged me to stop jamming up the interweb with my nonsense.  I did get slightly admonished when I guest posted for Rants for Mommyland when I said something about boys acting brain damaged around breasts.  Apparently "brain damaged" is not PC.  I don't want to point out (but I will) the real problem isn't my description, but rather male behavior.  Either way, Rants from Mommyland was super nice to have me over to play.  It is a very fun blog - give it a look-see.


My biggest help, and likely the reason I have any readers at all (besides my mom), is Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy.  She is a giant, super-size helping of awesomesauce.  She has made sure that I am on track and gives me lots of suggestions.  SRMM has also introduced me to most of the other bloggers I know (for real and in Cyberland).  She is funny and smart and you should totally be reading her blog and all the other fun stuff she writes for Redbook on-line and Nickmom.com.  


I of course will again thank Pregnant Chicken.  PC designed my logo and banner for me out of the goodness of her heart just because she couldn't bear for me to look so amateurish.  I love love love it!!!


I will probably think of more people I should be thanking after I post this, so be on the lookout for updates.  I of course want to thank everyone who reads and comments and fools around with me on the blog and Facebook.  I am having so much fun!!  My faith in mankind has been restored knowing that the world is filled with other smartasses who are willing to cross the line into bad taste for a good joke.  xo

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

And Good Will Towards Men

I am getting the sense that not everyone gets that whole peace on earth and spirit of the holiday thing.  On Black Friday we had people tasering each other and pepper spraying each other.  Apparently that is the 21st century way of saying "Excuse me, but I think I saw that item first and am going to purchase it."  Unless said item is the secret potion that will save your child from turning into a teenager, what's with all the nasty?  You are really going to fight someone to win the right to spend money?


Who do you think would be
more pissed off by this,
Jesus or Santa?
We also have some folks in Virginia who, insisting they are only asserting their first amendment right to free speech, are completely badgering and annoying their more serious and religious neighbors.  Now, before I tell you about them, I want to say that I thought the display was silly, not offensive, but I can see how someone would take offense.  And, since the display is there purely to vex others, I don't think that it's very nice.  Honestly, what message do you feel you just have to share that is expressed through a crucified skeleton Santa? I know, at first reading, that kind of sounds funny.  This group also included in their display a nativity scene and two tributes to the Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.  


Did I mention these displays are on the Loudoun County Courthouse lawn?  Yeah, it seems that the way the courthouse decorates for the holidays is to let the public do it on a first-come, first-served basis.  Getting your permit request in first is the only requirement.  Shall we skip over the part that a government office is decorating their grounds with Christmas decor which will get us into a whole separation of church and state conversation?  Let's just stick to the lack of holiday spirit it shows to decorate in a way that you know will offend people, just for the purpose of offending them.


Oh yeah, the people in protest of Crucified Skeleton Santa tore him down.  When CSS was put back up, the protesters tore him down again and decapitated him.  There was no word on any damage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster display.  Ahhhhhh, I can feel the good will oozing through that community from here.


It doesn't make a girl feel
pretty to be told she
looks like a man.
Also showing a ton of Christian and holiday spirit was Natalie Johnson who worked at the Macy's in San Antonio, Texas.  I say "worked" because Macy's fired her nasty ass.  In the spirit of love and kindness, Natalie followed a teenage "female" into the dressing room and insisted that the teen was really a man and couldn't be in said dressing room.  The teen insisted she was female, as did her friends.  The next day the manager told Natalie that Macy's doesn't make it their business to confirm people's gender and that people can go into whatever dressing room matches the way they identify themselves.  Natalie said she would not adhere to that policy and was fired.


I heard a rumor that while Natalie, the self-appointed gender checker, was hassling the teen who was going into a dressing room where no one was going to see what parts she had, $12,000 in merchandise was stolen from the department where Natalie was actually supposed to be.  (Okay, maybe I didn't hear that, but it could be true).


The absolute best part of this is that a conservative Christian law firm is now filing a complaint on Natalie's behalf with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.  Nice.  They are claiming that Macy's violated Natalie's religious beliefs, which do not allow her to acknowledge transgender people. I think you know that I am using my whistle.  And, I am including a smack (and the use of the stun gun if the Party would just let me have one).  


I don't see why people can't be all holiday-ish and jolly and sunshine-y, like me.  For example, do you see me being rude to the security person at the high school?  No.  I am sweet as pie even though she never recognizes me even though for the last two years I have been in that school a million times.  And am the co-president of the PTA.  And always say hello and ask how she is.  Oh, and I keep telling her who I am.  I am not the least bit mean to her.  I just hand her chocolate covered pretzels for the holiday and pretend not to notice that she is giving me that look that shows that she wonders why a stranger is giving her candy.


I found another person who is also very giving.  Trent Arsenault from Fremont California.  Trent gives his sperm away for free (rather than charge) to women who want it so they can have a baby.  Trent has a sperm donor-friendly diet and a website if any of you want to get in touch.  You will want to get in touch quickly, however. The FDA is trying to shut Trent down or make him comply with federal manufacturing regulations.  No, I am not lying.  You know I could not make this stuff up.  Well, I mean I could, but why would I?  I like to use my powers for good.  Anyway, the FDA, clearly having no life-saving drugs to look into getting approved, has been trying to put Trent out of business for the last two years.  I think we have a Santa-Grinch thing going on here.  Yes, I am aware it's probably a little odd of Trent to be staging his own Occupy The Planet movement, (like our friends the Duggers), but still.  Everyone is happy.  Except for the FDA/ The Grinch.


"You mo fos can kiss my ass
if you think I can't be
the effin' president."
True quote - I swear.
Lastly, because you know I like us to be cosmopolitan and know stuff, I want to tell you that everyone may get an extra special holiday present.  Sarah Palin has said it is not too late for her to decide to run for president in the 2012 election.  I am not sure if that is supposed to be a threat or a promise.  I believe she was  quoted as saying "Gosh, I mean I could totally beat a mitt and a newt, those aren't even people."  She also felt that Michele Bachmann was no real worry since she probably had a lot of responsibility back at the pretzel factory.  Also, now is a good time for Sarah to run because she currently does not have any pregnant children or new books out about her and she needs to drum up some new attention.  Wait, did not that not sound holiday spirit-y of me?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Slim Pickings

It's really no wonder the GOP cannot come up with a candidate that doesn't make me shake my head or roll my eyes.  They can only work with what they have.  The human pool from which to draw is extremely shallow.  Even if you are not an Obama fan, you have to agree he's at least a normal human being.  Nothing weird or freaky or insane going on.  The poor Republicans can't even find that.  For those of you who didn't like George W. Bush; he's not looking too bad now is he?  Sure, he was kind of bumbling and made up his own words, but he looks positively fabulous in comparison to Newt Gingrich or Michele Bachmann.


When you see/hear what is going on with the people of the world in general, you can start to see why we are having a problem finding quality politicians.  I mean arguably, our politicians are representative of the population at large.  And, *sigh*, eye roll, whistle, here is what's going on with our population at large:


I'm not sure why, but there was no accompanying photo with this story.  It is a toss up of who is more stupid here, the victim (whose stupidity essentially caused his death) or the criminal.  A 33-year-old woman caused the death of a 22-year-old man when she injected "a fatal penile injection."  He died of a silicone embolism.  Said woman was apparently running an "unauthorized medical practice."  What could these two have been thinking?  No matter how small or ill-working your junk might be, what are you going to do with a penis full of silicone?  I'll rephrase.  What are you going to do with it during "off hours?"  Where did this guy think he was going to hide a permanent erection?  Didn't he think that would ultimately be uncomfortable shoved in his pants?  And the "doctor?"  She didn't think of that either? 


If you see someone like this at
Walmart, you should
immediately leave the store.  It
won't end well.
Alisha Halfwit Halfmoon of Tulsa, OK was arrested for trying to cook methamphetamine.  While she was at Walmart.  She was using assorted ingredients from around the store.  Ingredients like lithium, sulfuric acid and lighter fluid.  When speaking to firefighters at the scene she admitted she wasn't very good at it. I suppose the people in the store were all lucky she didn't blow the place up.  Also of some concern is the fact that the loss prevention officers did not notify police until Alisha had been fooling around in the store for over 6 hours.  Security cameras filmed her mixing the chemicals.  What exactly were these Walmart employees waiting for?  For Alisha to be successful and then share?  Sheesh!  I guess we now have several more people to cross off the Hey Y'all She Might Could Be President list.


Really, if I roll my eyes any higher they are gonna get stuck up there.  As it is, I'm getting a headache and a little bit of an eye twitch.


If this is what
happens, I think
someone is not doing
the IVF correctly.
My next guy is stupid and ignorant and hypocritical, so as you would imagine, he was already trying to become a politician.  As you know, nothing goes together like being a gubernatorial candidate and donating your sperm to lesbian couples when you are against homosexuality.  (As an aside, I don't like the word gubernatorial and think it sounds like you are running to be your state's biggest goober).  Bill Johnson (his name is Johnson and we are talking about sperm - hee hee) cannot have biological children with his wife because she had a hysterectomy.  He believes "there is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."  I don't bet that is actually true.  I bet what she would like to give him more than anything in the world is a kick in the head.  Further, he said "reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating."  This guy sure is a charmer.  And, let's set aside his overwhelming insensitivity for a second; he donated his sperm to these couples knowing they were in same-sex relationships.  I guess the need for his "own" child is greater than his need to follow what he believes God is telling him.   I also bet these women don't like hearing that he thinks of these children, with whom he will have no contact, as his own.  Yes, let's definitely let this guy run for president.  At the very least, maybe he can be Newt's VP running mate.


As you can see, it is going to be hard for the GOP to find a candidate.  Imagine if Obama wasn't going to run again; the Democrats would have to be wading through the national pool of crazy for someone too.  I mean, who could they even consider?  Hillary already said she wasn't running again.  Oprah's kind of busy now with her new All Oprah All The Time network.  She took Rosie O'Donnell with her.  Angelina or Brad would never work out because they would constantly be trying to adopt the children of the Heads of State they met (dictators and despots don't think that crap's cute).  Slim pickings all around I tell you.


I would totally vote for
whoever made chocolate
chip cookies with oreos inside.
Brilliant!
I am thinking that we should do away with political parties and just run an American Idol-type audition/competition.  Auditions start the end of the summer.  Anyone who fits the basic criteria (and has a long-form birth certificate readily available) can try-out.  By January, the judges will narrow the field down to 24 candidates.  Then the American public will get to vote each week until we are down to one.  That person will be the president.  Candidates will be judged on their speaking ability and command of the English language, clothing style, how they look in a bathing suit, and their ability to make chocolate chip cookies.  The entire process will be more fun than the way we do it now and we can't end up in any worse condition as a country.  And, at least we will know that everyone will have access to delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Work With Me

It seems that my children have not 100% been listening to the things I have been trying to teach them and tell them over the years.  I am thinking that perhaps if I made them a little laminated list they could carry around, that might help.  (Come to think of it, The Party could probably use a copy as well).  I am envisioning something that looks like press credentials or a back stage pass that they would wear on one of those lanyard necklace deals.  I think a Handy Reference Behavior Necklace is going to be the new black.


By creating this list, I am helping my children become productive and pleasant adults (as well as less troubling children).  That is to say, they will be able to hold a job and people won't want to constantly kick their ass for being annoying.  Yeah sure, I want them to be happy, but I think not inspiring rage and being gainfully employed is pretty important also.


see, everyone thinks
coughing is annoying.
1.  If you are coughing up a lung, take some cough medicine.  Don't you hear how flipping annoying you are?  I am your mother and I love you, but that incessant hacking makes me want to smother you.  Imagine how people out in the world who don't know you feel.


2.  Similarly, if you are sniffing and sniffing and sniffing and sniffing...YOU NEED A TISSUE!!  Blow your nose!  No, you are not fine.  You need to blow your nose.  No one wants to hear you sniffing.  Further, if you keep sniffing, you are bound to eventually have a big giant gross sneeze.  That will be a nasty disaster because you have nothing to cover your nose and mouth with because you refused to get a tissue.


3.  If you tell me you have a headache or pain in some part of your body, I am going to recommend Advil, Tylenol or ice.  If you are going to refuse to employ any of those suggestions then stop complaining.  Is it your thought I will have some magic spell I can use to fix you?  And, if I did have one, wouldn't I have tried that first?


"Frostbite"
Get it?  Bahahahaha!
4.  If I tell you that it's freezing out and that you need a coat, just wear the freaking coat!  Do you think I am trying to trick you?  What is my motivation to lie?  Further, if you are only wearing a sweatshirt in 25 degree weather you will look foolish, not cool.  Frostbite is not attractive.


5.  Yes, you will be too full to eat your dinner if you drink two sodas and eat four rolls before the food comes.  Why are you surprised every time?  It's not really that much of a mystery.


6.  Just because you are not actually touching your sibling doesn't mean you are "not doing anything."  If you were "not doing anything" in that same way to a friend or stranger, they would punch you in the mouth or knock you to the ground.  Just stop it.


7.  When you use anything that belongs to me, put it back exactly where you found it.  Not near where you found it or sort of where you found it.  Where. You. Found. It.  Same goes with stuff belonging to bunk mates, college roommates, co-workers, etc.  Not only will people hide their things from you so you can't borrow them, they might hide your things just to annoy you.


8.  No one is fooled when you leave 2 sips of milk in the container.  Don't tell me that you thought there was enough for one more glass.  We both know you just didn't want to go down to the other refrigerator and get a new milk.  This is the rule for all food and beverages:  if you use it up, either get a new one or put the item on the shopping list.  Better yet, if it needs to go on a shopping list, try doing that before the item is completely gone.  And, God help you if you leave and empty box/carton in the fridge or cabinet.  No one ever believes that's an accident.  No one.  Ever.


Just like my children:
an annoying passenger.
9.  If you are not the one driving, don't complain about being tired.  Take a nap and stop being a nuisance to the person who is driving.  It's safer for you that way.


10.  When you see that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink is full of dirty dishes, that is a sign that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and the dirty dishes put in.  This is not a secret sign from God.  This is one of those obvious things that I know you know, or at the very least could figure out.  Know how I know you know?  You are holding a dirty glass/knife/plate and are looking for where to put it because the sink is full.  You are a smart child, I am sure you could solve this riddle without me specifically saying "empty the dishwasher."


Feel free use my list for your own children.  I would be willing to bet it applies to them too.  And, bonus...if you put it on colorful paper and get a pretty lanyard, it could double as holiday gift.  For you Jewish people, that's one night of Chanukah.  Now you only need 7 more gifts.  You're welcome.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Definitely Think My Eye Is Starting To Twitch

I was going to regale you with tales of PTA e-mails gone awry and non-listening children and husbands, but I figured you didn't need your face to get all squinty and your eye to start to twitching too, so I'll spare you.  Consider it an early holiday gift.


Instead I decided to find "news" stories that make the annoying people I encountered today seem less annoying.  Notice I didn't say "not annoying" because these are news stories, not magic stories.  I think actually what I have found are stories for one of my favorite games News/Not News.


For those of you just joining us, this is a game where I tell you about a "news" story that actually isn't news.  We then ponder why someone who gets paid money thought it was.  Trust me, it's very entertaining and we never run out of material.


They have the same pursed lips.
Maybe Farrah is the Lost
Kardashian.  Now THAT
would be news!
First up, Kourtney Kardashian and 'Teen Mom' star, Farrah Abraham.  Farrah trashed Kourtney on Twitter about being unmarried and pregnant again.  Really?  Unmarried teen mother is criticizing an adult who chose to have a baby out of wedlock?  She is clearly unfamiliar with the pot/kettle thing.  If that wasn't unworthy enough, Kourtney felt compelled to respond and a Twitter war broke out, with Kourtney's boyfriend Scott piping in. Whistles all around for the reporter, both women and Kourt's baby daddy.  This is so Not News and it's not even interesting.  Maybe if teen mom was having Scott's baby it would be a little interesting, but even then...


Apparently, more important than the fact that Herman Cain is not particularly well-spoken and he cheats on his wife is that he quotes from Pokemon.  Pokemon 2000 the movie to be exact.  Despite the Not News nature of the story, one does have to wonder how Herm comes to be quoting Pokemon.  This is too stupid even for a whistle.  I am giving it an eye roll and wishing Herm good luck now that he has more time on his hands to watch Pokemon.


In Michigan, they do not like gay apparel.  That is correct, no gay apparel allowed.  The Cherry Knoll Elementary School changed the words to 'Deck the Halls' so that the kids would not sing the word gay.  There were some 1st and 2nd graders giggling at the word gay, so the teacher changed the words to say "don we now our bright apparel.  The school's Facebook page (yes FB page) was inundated with complaints about the change.  Seems the people in Michigan like a little bit of gay apparel, so the music teacher changed it back.  It's good world hunger has been solved so that reporters have time to report on stuff like this.  To sum that up for you:  teacher was fed up with silliness, changed the words to a song to solve problem.  Bedlam ensued and the original wording was reinstated.  Definitely Not News.


Fox News gives new meaning
to the phrase
Communist Pig
Let's see, what else is completely Not News...oh, I know!  Fox News says that The Muppets are Communists. They don't think too much of the movie Cars 2 either.  These movies are turning your kids against capitalism.  That's an odd assessment if you ask me.  Doesn't the movie industry charge a lot of money for you to see their movies?  And with kids' movies isn't there a lot, LOT, of merchandising stuff that goes along with the movie that your child cannot live without?  Isn't that capitalism?  Or does Fox News think only a communist would sell a stuffed pig dressed as a fancy movie star?  You can think on that awhile and get back to me.


When I read the plethora of Not News stories I am usually struck by the fact that there are people out there earning a living writing about this stuff and they aren't even doing it in a mocking way.  They are writing like this stuff is newsworthy or has a point.  What I want to know is where can I sign up?  I could write about stupid stuff all day.  How hard can it be to report on information that is of no use to the outside world and barely of any interest or use to the people it's happening to?  I could absolutely come up with 500 words on why I have been know to throw out socks once the pile of unmatched ones gets too big.


Hey!  My eye stopped twitching.  I was cured by other people's stupidity.  Awesome.  A cure that has an endless supply.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

You Will D-I-E Die!

Courtney should tell Lindsay to
lose the Spy vs Spy outfit.
No really, you will fall over dead.  Okay, God Forbid, poo poo poo.  But still, this has got to be one of the best news stories EV-ER!!  Ever!!


Courtney Love is going to be Lindsay Lohan's "Sober Coach"


I had to give it it's own paragraph so you could really absorb the words.  I believe that there is what we like to call irony or perhaps the blind leading the blind (or high leading the high).  I mean what are we even supposed to do with this information? I personally am waiting for Oprah or Dr. Phil to swoop in and bitch slap the both of them and then lobby to get a court order that demands they not speak to one another.


Besides the whole "I'm my own personal train wreck" thing Courtney has going on, how can she help Lindsay with anything important when she hasn't even been kind enough to tell her that the blond hair does NOT work.  At all.  AT ALL.  The constant punched-in-the-mouth-look lip filler she's using isn't helping either.  I imagine Courtney isn't telling Lindsay that stuff because, well, look at her.  She probably is flattered that Lindsay is copying her.  *Sigh*


If I had to guess, I bet the next article will be how one of Lindsay's parents (we can take a poll on which) will make an impassioned plea to the public to either help them get Courtney away from Lindsay or begging for our support in seeing the beauty of the match.  Either way, a Lohan parent will try to get some personal publicity out of it.  As an afterthought, they will be sure to mention younger sis Ali and her blossoming career.


And, just to show you that non-famous people are every bit as ridiculous as the famous ones, Jessie Dimmick, a kidnapper from Colorado, is suing the people he kidnapped for breach of contract.  Yes, you did just read that correctly.  The couple Jessie kidnapped, in a bid to escape, promised they would hide Jessie from police.    Obviously, they did not.  As a result of the police chase, Jessie was accidentally shot by police.  He says he nearly died from his injuries and now has a lot of hospital bills he can't pay.  (I'll wait a second while you go get a tissue).  Jessie wants $235k in damages.  Apparently, Jessie thinks it's his victims' fault that he is a gullible dumbass as well as a pretty lame kidnapper.  Not surprisingly, Jessie is representing himself in the suit.  What I want to know is how are people even allowed to file suits like this and waste everyone's time and money?!?!?  I think you know that this is a whistle, smack and stun gun.  Oh - and for those of you who missed the Facebook conversation, I want a stun gun, but currently The Party says no.  I'll let you know how it shakes out, in the meantime I will be keeping my list of who is due a zap.


Don't they look like they are
dressed for three different bands?
And WTF with the hair on the left?
In other fascinating news Hanson, still refusing to fade away into one-hit-wonder obscurity, has announced they will be launching their own IPA...wait for it...MMMhop.  I wonder if that will be the only beer they will now sell at their concerts.  I assume they still have concerts because the article says they are still wildly popular and still releasing albums.  Being hopelessly uncool, I didn't know.  Just want to say that even though these guys are now adults, they still look like kids, just with some facial hair.  That said, it seems creepy that you can get all sorts of tween Hanson merchandise and sit around and enjoy it with a Hanson beer.  Or is it just me that thinks that?


I thought you might also like to know that Kris Humphries is now saying he will be filing for an annulment from Kim Kardashian on the grounds of fraud.  If he's successful I guess it kind of derails Kim's bid for a divorce.  Not exactly sure where he's going with this.  My only guess is that if the marriage is annulled due to fraud on Kim's part, Kris could then sue her for emotional distress or fraud or other things of that nature.  He could then get a lot more money than he stands to get if they have a no-fault divorce.  More importantly though, why is this in the news?  Aside from having something to make fun of, does anyone actually care?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Some People Really Ought To Be Supervised

Sometimes when I read things I honestly don't know how some people even have the intelligence to keep breathing throughout the day.  Some things just defy understanding.  Even when you find out the person's motive, you just can't understand how they came to their conclusion without at some point saying "Wait, maybe that's not such a good idea."


Now put two people like this together.  Before I even write another word I know you are already shaking your head because you know you aren't going to be able to believe what I will be telling you.  But friends, you know I don't lie.  *Sigh*  Just think though, anything ridiculously stupid or foolish your children have done in the last 48 hours will likely pale in comparison, so there's that.

I also think Oneal may
have given himself/herself
 a chin implant.
Stunner number one.  Oneal Ron Morris of Miami was charged with practicing medicine without a license.  That was the headline.  To say that is an understatement doesn't even cover it. Oneal, is a man, who identifies himself as a woman.  That's what the article says.  Based on the picture, Oneal makes a pretty skimpy man, so good he prefers to go about his business as a woman.  It would also seem Oneal has been doing his/her own "enhancements."  In order to get a bigger behind, Oneal injected himself with a mixture of cement (yes, cement), mineral oil, and flat-tire sealant.  We will not even get into what would possess someone to think this is the magic potion to a big back yard.  Also, there is no mention where Oneal got the breasts.


Moving on...Oneal, having not killed himself/herself with that formula decided to make money injecting others.  This is the part of the story where you get to decide which person is actually more stupid/crazy/high.  Enter unnamed victim.  UV is looking for an inexpensive way to get a shapelier bottom.  Hello!!  Ever hear of pizza and cake?  Anyhoo, the UV allowed Oneal to keep injecting her despite severe pain.  After the injections, UV waited and waited to seek help for abdominal pain and open sores because she was too embarrassed to admit what she had done.  No surprise, UV had to have surgery and is still recovering and can't work.  At least Oneal and UV didn't procreate together.  Not so with our next pair.


Stunner Number Two.  New York Post Headline "Ex: Gal is a Rubber Robber."  First off, whistle and smack for the author with that title.  In this story, crazy girlfriend Anetria Burnett had twins 4 years ago with her ex-boyfirend, Joseph Pressil.  Joseph thought this was an accidental pregnancy.  Turns out, not so much.  Back in 2007 Joe lived in Texas with his girlfriend of 6 months, Anetria.  Ever the planner, Anetria saved the condoms after she would have sex with Joe and took the sperm to a fertility center to have it frozen as insurance in the future should they break up.  Before we finish with that thought, let's ask ourselves how on more than one occasion Anetria was able to do this without Joe knowing.  I guess that will teach all you men something about just rolling over and going to sleep, now won't it?


Holiday gift for Joe?  All it
needs is a picture of a
condom at the bottom.
One might also wonder what kind of place just lets you walk right on in with sperm and have it frozen.  The fertility clinic reportedly said they assumed the two were married.  Being equally smart as the people at the clinic, Anetria used her real name as well as Joe's.  Fast forward 4 years.  Joe, who now lives in NewYork, gets a receipt in the mail for sperm cryopreservation.  Long story short (I know, it's already too late) he does some research and finds out what Anetria had done.  Turns out Anetria had figured if she got pregnant and filed a lawsuit claiming he was her common-law husband Joe would have to give her half of everything he owned and let her stay in his house she had moved into when they were together.


Anetria claims she thought Joe knew what she had been doing, claiming "Oh you're not stupid." (debatable).  For all of her trouble, Anetria now will lose some of her child support money because Joe was awarded joint custody.  There is nothing in the article about Joe suing the fertility clinic or Anetria or why Joe hadn't been looking to have joint custody of his children all along.  Do these sound like two people who should be in charge of little children?  Also, did I mention Anetria is an exotic dancer?  In the plus column for Anetria, there was no accusations that she had cement and tire sealant injected into her ass.


You're speechless, right?  OMG!  I just thought of something.  We should rank the four of the people in these stories.  Who is the dumbest?  Craziest?  Most mentally unstable?  Also, didn't I tell you that there was no way anything your kids had done recently would be as traffic-stoppingly stupid as this stuff.  Yes I did.


That cat is a little scary.
He kind of looks like he would
kick someone's ass.
On a completely unrelated note, I just found this story about a woman who is going to be on an upcoming episode of  "My Extreme Animal Phobia."  Who even knew there was such a show?  It seems they make her watch this cat who's behind plexiglass and it upsets her and makes her cry.  How is that something people want to watch?  She says she thinks cats are evil and out to get her.  Shouldn't she really be on a show called "Tales From the Cushioned Room?"


Special thanks today to my friend Amy who gave me the article about Anetria and Joe.  She knew I would be too incensed to let it go undiscussed.  

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Do I Look Like I'm New Here?

When someone does something nice for you, you are supposed to appreciate it and say thank you and smile.  Especially now around Thanksgiving what with the whole "thankful" thing going on.  Sometimes though, I don't want to say thank you when someone does something nice because I know they are doing it with the hopes that their "niceness" will keep me from being angry, not because they are really trying to be nice.  Also, you are apparently not supposed to act like you are onto what the person is doing.  You are just supposed to pretend like it's the best thing ever.


Not sure if that's an FYI or a warning.
The Party just got back yesterday evening after being in France for work for 2 and 1/2 weeks.  During that time he pretty much did not leave the conference room and was working until 2 or 3 in the morning.  Totally sucked for him, and of course we weren't too thrilled around here either.  In that time I probably spoke to him for a grand total of 11 minutes.  We weren't able to discuss any day-to-day stuff or kid stuff.  He was pretty tired and crabby and I was annoyed.  I was sympathetic at how tired he was, but come on!!  He is an attorney who handles mergers and acquisitions for a big corporation.  He is not performing life-saving surgery on anyone.  Neither are any of the people he's working with.  This is not life and death.  But, the people in charge decide stuff must get done by a certain date and off they all go.


Finally, they wrap things up and head home in the nick of time for Thanksgiving (read Wednesday evening).  Here's where the "niceness" I am supposed to appreciate comes in. Wednesday morning I'm on the phone and see a florist's truck.  I know right away who is sending flowers.  No, not the Party.  His company. More specifically, it turns out, the CEO.  The flowers are beautiful and huge!  It's like the florist was told "put all your most expensive flowers in there."  The note is addressed to both of us and reads:


Dear Party,
Thanks for your extraordinary efforts and the support of your family.  Happy Thanksgiving. CEO


Someone who thinks people are nice for real and never have ulterior motives might have been taken in by this "niceness."  Not me.  No sir.  I know what that note really said.  You just have to know how to read it.  Here is what the real message was:


Dear DTC,
Even though we essentially kidnapped your husband and literally kept him from participating in life or parenting his children for over two weeks, it would be super awesome if you did not throw him out as that would probably distract him from his work.  Happy Thanksgiving.  CEO


When I spell it out for you like that it's crystal clear, isn't it?  Yes, I thought so too.  Although the flowers were  gorgeous and it certainly is a nice thing to have something pretty in your house to look at, I figured I didn't need to rush to text Party about them because if he acted like he thought I should think it was genuinely nice, I was probably going to be annoyed.  He could wait to get home to see them.


This is where the story gets funny.  About an hour before Party is due to get home, another florist's truck arrives with a really pretty arrangement from Party (that's not the funny part).  There was a really nice note about missing me and looking forward to seeing me.  I texted Party to thank him and tell him how pretty they were.  I did have to laugh though.  By themselves, Party's flowers were really very lovely and I truly did appreciate and like them.  Next to the CEO's flowers though, they looked a little puny.  I texted Party that he would laugh when he saw what the CEO sent earlier in the day.  I didn't say anything else.


The Party gets home and sees the huge floral arrangement in the living room and looks confused.  He says "were those the flowers I sent?"  I smiled and said "No, those are..." and pointed towards the arrangement in the kitchen.  We both laughed and laughed.  He is not a big flower sender, so what is the likelihood that when he does send them, he gets shown up?  I took a picture with my phone, so the colors are not as pretty as they are in real life, but I think you will get the gist.  


Bahahahahahahahaha
Despite the fact that the CEO didn't pick the flowers himself and I bet only sent them as damage control, I will still give him partial credit for at least realizing that he overworked Party for more than two weeks and that we might not have liked it back at home.  Since it's Thanksgiving I will even go so far as to say I am thankful that I got flowers from him - a gift's a gift.  I, of course, am sincerely grateful for the flowers and note that Party sent, because he really was trying to do something nice.  What would have made me the most grateful, however, would have been if someone had sent me a tray of cupcakes or cookies.  Or margarita fixins.


I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you are off to the start of a fun and happy and healthy holiday season.  xo  DTC

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Am So Cutting Edge

Before I discuss all the ways (one) in which I am cutting edge, I just want to revisit the whole teacher thing.  You know from my last post that I am all about teachers.  I love me some teachers.  But, here's the thing...there are a few issues.  I don't want to blame all teachers; it's probably just a select few evil ones who decide on world-wide curriculum.


This is the extent of
my math ability.
I would say that my main complaints are math-focused.  Everyday Math to be exact.  Long story short, people suck at math so educators decided to find a better way to teach math; something more intuitive.  Awesome.  We can all get on board with that.  After that is where I part ways with Everyday Math.  Aside from teaching kids to count in their head the way they would count money, i.e., big numbers first, the rest is a big disaster.  Okay, it's not a big disaster if you don't care about looking like you're an idiot to your 7 year old when you try to explain subtraction and are met with a look of pity and disdain.


Children no longer "borrow," they "redistribute."  Complete bullshit.  It doesn't matter that it's not really borrowing, your 2nd grader understands the concept of borrowing, she does not have a f#*@ing clue what the word "redistribute" means.  Next - lattice method multiplication.  Problem one - kids don't know what a lattice is so calling it that doesn't conjure up any connection for them.  Problem two - you already can't read their smudgy, dull, indecipherable pencil numbers, why are we making it worse by asking them to make a diagonal grid in a one-inch space.  And then have them put the numbers into the tiny diamonds?


Wait.  There's a way
to check your work?
I could next go on about the meaninglessness of advanced math but I fear perhaps I will come across unstable or unduly bitter (too late?), so I will just move on to the actual topic of the post.  My cutting edgedness.  And my ability to make up my own words, like "edgedness."


Anyway, so here it is...Ta Da!!!...I am now on Twitter.  I figured out how to get on all by myself and set everything up.  I really don't know what I am supposed to do over there, I mean you can't even "like" anyone's comments, but I am so 21st century blogger now.  I had a personal account which I never used, but while I was fooling around last night, I did comment on something Boy wrote.  One of his friends "favorited" it (a lame-ass substitute for "like") and by morning Boy had erased my comment.  I considered commenting on the fact he did that, but figured it would spur on teenage unpleasantness.


My next big accomplishment will be switching my domain name to Google and then making my URL a ".com" versus a "blogspot.com."  That ought to send me over the edge (past cutting edge if you will) trying to figure it out.  If I do not have to be hospitalized/medicated after that I want to figure out how to get the formatting on the actual blog to behave.   I would ask The Party to help me, but, one - he's still in Paris, and two - it will likely devolve into our usual conversation which is "You're stupid" "No, you're stupid."  Said with love of course.


The Blue Hen wants you
to know it's important to
go to at least "1" class a week.
If you want to appear old and not cutting edge, then I recommend that you walk around during a tour of your college campus with your child and point out what used to be in each of the spots mentioned on the tour.  This will make your child roll his eyes and make the tour guide wish you would stop talking.  LG (of New Orleans fame) and I took our 11th graders on a tour of University of Delaware (where we both went, as did our husbands).  We had a lovely visit with each other and the boys liked the school, but we definitely did not come off as being hip and cool.  On the upside, there was one set of parents who kept hugging and kissing, while their son stood off to the side trying to pretend he wasn't with them.  We were definitely way less embarrassing than them, so that was something.  PS - go Blue Hens.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dare You To Trade For A Day

And don't forget
to smile!
In honor of American Education week, I thought I would give teachers some support.  We usually only hear about the crappy ones in the news, but we all know that none of us would be able to read, write or pretend to know math if it weren't for teachers.  The job is not for the fainthearted.  I don't want to say anything, but I think we know that's why elementary education teachers are primarily women.  


There are always lots of people who act as if teaching is a cushy job and that anyone who is a teacher took the easy way out in regard to working.  To hear some people talk, teachers make way more money than they deserve and have a cake schedule, and therefore really shouldn't complain about anything.  I have heard this kind of thinking from well-educated business people as well as blue collar people.  Why the hate friends?


Rather than start a debate, I thought I would just throw out some points and let those who think being a teacher is easy have some food for thought.  And for the rest of us who know better, we can make smug faces and say things like "Yeah!  What do you think about that!"


When you have to go to the bathroom, you just get up and go.  You take as long as you need.  You don't have to wait for any special assigned time.  Heaven forbid you are having some stomach issues, you can go back and forth as much as you need.  You don't have to take a day off from work just to have freedom to use the bathroom.  (caveat - if you are going to stink up the work bathroom all day, just know your co-workers are completely going to talk about you and say mean things; consider taking the day off).


The obtuse and difficult
must be treated with
kindness at all times.
You're thirsty and your coffee cup/ water bottle is empty?  Sucks to be you.  You have to wait until the designated time to leave your room to refill.  Oh wait...you don't have to do that?  You can just get a drink when you're thirsty?  Maybe it doesn't suck to be you.


When you take your lunch break, you typically get an hour - give or take a few minutes.  You don't get 45 minutes, 10 of which are spent delivering and picking up your class from the lunchroom.  There's no give or take a few minutes, you are due back right on time, every time.  Don't forget to fit in going to the bathroom.  And doesn't everyone love to eat microwaved lunch from home every. single. day. and never get the chance or have enough time to go out to lunch?  Remember, some schools are not in good neighborhood, you can't always even take a walk to get some fresh air.


People making six-figure salaries (and higher)...how many of you have only a bachelor's degree?  For teachers to make any amount of money they have to at least have a master's degree.  Many have a master's plus 30 or 60 and they have dual certification in their field.  Some even have doctorates.  Regardless of education and seniority, you would be hard put to find many teachers making six-figure salaries.


If you are a supervisor of any nature...when you make a presentation to your employees they either listen or pretend to listen.  They do not talk over you.  They do not throw things at each other.  They do not make fart noises or actually fart or burp.  When you are making your major point during your presentation, no one yells out and waves their hand around (distracting the people paying attention) and asks if they can go to the bathroom.  When you are done presenting or sharing important information or directions, no one asks if they have to know it for the test.  Everyone you are speaking to gets that you are telling them stuff they need to know.


If someone at work were to actually do any of the above-listed things you could totally call them on it.  You wouldn't have to worry about injuring their self-esteem.  As long as you don't drop the f-bomb, you're probably okay.  No employee who has been fairly reprimanded will bring their mother in to yell at you and call you a liar and tell you that you are picking on their kid.


A test?  So then, I should
write this down?
Children are annoying!!  Imagine the person you least like to work with and then trap yourself in a room with 25-30 of them.  Now remember, no matter what they do or how ridiculous they are, you cannot tell them they are annoying.  It is your job to help them find better ways to behave.  Oh, and if they don't care to cooperate, it's your job to find more ways to help them.  Ditto getting their work done.  Employees have to do their job or they risk getting fired/not getting paid.  If a kid refuses to do his work, that's your fault.  His parents will make sure you know it's your fault.  Further, you will have to come up with ways to make the work more appealing to said child so he will consider doing his work.  All failed attempts are your fault.  The child and his  parent are in no way to blame.


I assume I am making my point.  Being a teacher is hard.  And remember, these highly educated people pick to do it because they like it and want to help educate children and make the world a better place.  Hhmmm, when I say it like that it kind of makes teachers sound like big, tree-hugging, stuck up geeks who think they are better than we are.  I mean they are and everything, but I don't think we need it rubbed in our faces that their job is pretty much more important than most other jobs (even though no one admits it).  Come on, you think your doctor taught himself to tell you it's just stress and you're fine and that you're not having a heart attack and quit calling the office 100 times a day?  No.  A teacher taught him that.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

There Is A Slight Chance I Might Need Medication

There are some people who think there is perhaps a greater than slight chance, but whatever.  Those people do not have the je ne sais quoi that I do and are probably jealous.  Anyway, the reason I think I might need medication is that I am fairly certain my (self-diagnosed) OCD and ADD have both kicked up a notch.  Or two.  For one thing, I started this post about and hour and half ago and have only written one paragraph.  I keep getting distracted by Facebook and my phone and my kids.  And crap, I still didn't go downstairs to put laundry in the washer.  That's not really my fault though because I am not even supposed to be doing laundry.


You know how you can tell
this is a Starbucks in Paris?
Yeah, me either.
I will just change topics for a second and tell you that the reason I have to do laundry is that The Party is in Paris. As in France.  He's in Paris while I am here doing laundry and taking out trash (also not my job).  It's not exactly fun for him there - Party got to Paris last Sunday for work and in 7 days only got out of the conference room twice to eat in a restaurant.  Today his dinner was a ham sandwich from Starbucks.  Lest you wonder why somebody visiting France would go to Starbucks, you should know that this Starbucks is different from the ones at home because in this one a gypsy stole his phone.  So, not really the Paris trip a girl dreams of, but still, he's in Paris in a really nice hotel and I am doing laundry.  No thank you.


Anyhoo, back to my OCD and ADD.  The ADD keeps me from getting stuff done.  The OCD causes me to hyper-focus on what does not need to get done.  Like reading an entire series of 17 books.  In about a two week period.  In my own defense, I was late getting to the party and had to catch up and finish before the next book comes out in 9 days.  Also, they made a movie of the first book and I am all worried they will miscast it.


The beginning
of the end.
The way this all happened is, again, not my fault.  It's really one of you people's fault.  "Lisa" commented on a post where I recommended books and said she loved the Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum series. She said they were laugh out loud funny.  Okay, I love funny.  So, I check out said books at the book store.  The first book in the series is called One For The Money.  The blurb didn't excite me all that much, but I decided to take a chance.  I liked the book; parts were amusing.  I wouldn't say it was hysterical, but good characters and an easy relaxing read.  And I was kind of wishing I could meet this Stephanie Plum's boyfriend.  (Don't be worried, I know he's only pretend).


I read a couple other books before I got to number Two in the series.  And that's when the problem started.  I read Three and Four and couldn't stop.  I had to see what was happening with my "friends."  My mother purchased me Five through Fourteen at a used book store.  I barely left my sofa.  As I approached the end of Fourteen it looked like my family might again get a cooked meal (or at least their odds improved).  I was trying to read really slowly so I wouldn't have to say goodbye to my "friends."  And of course, Stephanie has a second guy in the picture who I also wanted to meet.  Sigh.


Only 216 hours until
the book comes out.
I'm not the only one
counting, right?
But wait!!!  After reading Fourteen, I went to Janet Evanovich's website.  Bingo!!  I wasn't aware, but there was a Fifteen, Sixteen and Seventeen!  Also,  a few Stephanie books she wrote in between the number ones. So, I read 15, 16 and 17 in three days.  And now I am sad for real because I have to wait for Eighteen to come out like everybody else.  Why should I have to wait?  I am a special fan.  I am more dedicated.  I totally want to be BFF's with Janet and discuss with her all of the characters and story lines.  


If you happen to know Janet Evanovich, don't tell her what I said because I think it will make me look too desperate and stalker-y and then she won't want to hang with me.  Just tell her I like her books.  Also, I think you all should read her books too. Then we could have a big book club meeting.  It would be totally fun. Maybe even Janet would come.  You don't know.  It could happen.


In closing, I am not sure if this is really a book recommendation post or glaring proof that I have inherited some of my parents' (yes, you too mother) obsessive tendencies.  On the plus side, I am not a danger to myself or others (well not others who aren't annoying) so when they finally take me to the Nervous Hospital, I will probably have a lot of freedom and won't be on the locked down ward.  Always good to look for the positive side of things.

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