Tuesday, January 31, 2012

You Will Never Guess What

Who doesn't love
someone who's
friends with Santa?
Paula Deen has Type 2 Diabetes.  And, just perhaps, the way she cooks is not the most healthy for anyone, let alone someone with Diabetes.  But, in Paula's defense, I remember reading an article about her where she basically says she knows her food is extra delicious and not particularly extra healthy (I am paraphrasing).

I honestly don't get the whole hoopla about her touting a Diabetes drug.  People are all sorts of worked up.  Although I am sure doctors prefer you to change your diet and take medication, not just eat what you want and take medication, Paula hasn't said one thing and done another.  It's not like she was telling you cooking how she does is good for you or saying you should eat healthy and then not doing it herself.  Once she decided to be the spokesmodel, she admitted she had the disease and did say that her way of cooking shouldn't be what you're eating every day.  If anything, she is the perfect example of how a poor diet will catch up with you.

On that same note, the drug company took a big risk picking her.  I am just wondering about the thought process.

Underling Pitch Guy:  Hey, how about we use Paula Dean as a rep for our Diabetes drug.
Boss:                        Um, isn't she overweight and not publicly watching what she eats?
UPG:                        Yup.
Boss:                        It doesn't seem like she exercises or tries to cook Diabetes-conscious foods.
UPG:                        Nope.  But, people really like her and she has nice hair.
Boss:                        That's true.

Anyone like to place a bet on how long before we see the "Paula Deen Cooking for Diabetes" cookbook on the shelves?  I am seeing a Mother's Day special edition.  I bet she and her sons will be on some Celebrity Fit Club or Celebrity Biggest Loser kind of show.  Oprah is definitely going to have a show where she has Paula as a guest.  Wait, she'll probably get the new, not that nice, but not too mean Rosie to do it and come on herself as well as a special guest offering to lend Paula her personal chef to help re-vamp all her delicious recipes.  Mark my words.

Also in celebrity Sort of News, Pat Sajak has admitted to hosting Wheel of Fortune drunk on occasion.  And he threw Vanna under the bus as well.  No wonder they don't let her turn letters any more.  He didn't actually say he was drunk, but he did say he and Vanna, on breaks between shows, would have 2 or 3 or 6 margaritas.  He doesn't recall much about those shows but says no one complained so they must have been okay.  How much do you wish you had a job that was so easy that you could do it drunk and no one would know the difference.  I am little bit jealous of Pat.  I am less jealous of Vanna because since they took away her actual letter-turning duty, she just looks silly running after the lit up letters and pointing.

I don't think the track suit is doing
anything for the rebel/dictator
thing Castro is going for.
Another thing going on you might not have guessed is that Fidel Castro thinks our Republican presidential hopefuls are in the greatest competition of "idiocy and ignorance" the world has ever seen.  He even says that he's serious (like we thought he was kidding).  I am not sure if it helps or hurts the Republicans that someone on the US crap list since 1959 thinks they suck.  Personally, it kind of tells me that if one of those guys turns out to be president, that maybe foreign leaders aren't going to be too impressed.  Just saying.

Here's one that you probably would have guessed.  Eating nothing but chicken nuggets for 15 years could actually kill you.  Yes, it's true.  A 17 year old girl in Birmingham U.K. has finally realized that 15 years of eating nothing but nuggets might be "really bad" for her.  She seemed to realize it after she was recently rushed to the hospital from collapsing due to swollen veins in her tongue.  She also has anemia and breathing problems.  Now word on why her parents (or anyone) have let this go on all this time.  

The article says that one item only diets are bad, but uses as their example an experiment conducted by a professor of human nutrition.  This guy ate nothing but Twinkies for 10 weeks.  He lost 27 pounds and 5 points off his BMI.  Hello.  That sounds like a plan if you ask me.  My take away from all this is that all chicken nuggets is bad, but all Twinkies is healthful.

That thing looks like it's the
size of  a 3oz bathroom cup.
No Thank You.
OMG - you will totally never guess what I just found an ad for!!!  Before finishing up here, I was leafing through Redbook magazine, enjoying it as always.  I was minding my own business when wham I am hit with an ad for the DivaCup.  The ad invited me to "join women who have revolutionized their periods with the DivaCup."  Just look at that picture and you can see where this is going.  I really couldn't believe this was a real thing, but it is.  Further, and the part I think is kind of the yuckiest, it's reusable.  Just the thought of the many ways this whole thing could go wrong...my face has been all crunched up the entire time I am telling you about it.  

I really don't want to appear immature (appear is the key word) but this just has too big an "ick" factor for me.  Also, I really cannot take seriously anything that has the word "Diva" in the name.  As if getting your period is something only the most sophisticated and urbane of us deal with (I wish - I would totally be off the hook).

After this last item, I think we have played Guess What enough for one day.  I was going to tell you about my thoughts on mechanical pencils and pencils in general, but I think we will wait for the next time.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mini Post

There were just a few things that I have been needing to discuss, so I thought I'd throw them all together onto a little mini post.  Think of it as a post you'd put into a dollhouse along with the other miniatures.  It would fit onto the mini computer on the mini computer desk or maybe onto the laptop the doll has on the sofa.  I did enlarge the font for you so you could still read it.  Just imagine it being smaller when you picture it in the dollhouse.

and why must they
always pose standing
on top of each other?
1.  Why do MaryKate and Ashley always wear clothes that are like 50 sizes to big for them? (speaking of miniature people)

2.  Why is it called herbal tea?  There's no tea in it.  Just herbs and leaves and crap like that.

3.  What do you suppose the odds are that I will ever actually cook or bake any of the cool recipes I pinned onto my board on Pinterest?

4.  By the time the Republican candidates are done assassinating each other's characters and pointing out to the public what overzealous, over-pious, walking freak shows they are, which one of them do they think will be able to win an actual election?  Even if you don't like Obama's politics, the Republicans are making him look like a pillar of normalcy by comparison.

5.  I just noticed that the word "assassinating" has the word "ass" in there twice, which is particularly germane in this context.

6.  Awhile back I wrote about this guy, Trent Arsenault, who donates his sperm for free to people so they can have babies.  The FDA was trying to shut him down; something about quality control.  Blah blah blah.  Anyhoo, Trent should have quit while he was ahead and not given any interviews.  If you go to this link, you will find out that he is a little yucky and you probably wouldn't want anyone you know to use his sperm.  Highlights:  he's 36 but looks 15, is a virgin, says he a donorsexual, AND, the icing - he has posted 100+ videos of himself maturbating with "unusual" things.  I didn't dare even go look.

Back soon with a full-size post.  On the upside, there are less calories in the mini post.

I hope this doesn't seem too ambitious.

Friday, January 20, 2012

If I Ruled The World...Imagine That

So my friend LG, of "Glitter and Dirt: The LG Story" fame and with whom I was in New Orleans, and I were discussing what we would do if we were beyond rich.  And, let's just skip over that whole be grateful for what you have nonsense.  Yes, I am very lucky and yes, I am grateful, but it is still cool to imagine what you would have if you had all the money in the world.

Here are some of the things LG and I discussed and then some more things I thought of and even one from The Party (though he didn't know he was playing):

I would choose
someone less shouty.
1.  I would have meals delivered to my house that were properly portioned and delicious.  Nothing yucky or too vegetable-centric.  

2.  Better yet, I would have a personal chef shop and pop in each day to prepare meals and then clean up and leave.

3.  I would have someone that would have to go up or down the steps for me when I needed something but didn't want to get off the couch.

4.  I would have a personal shopper who would bring outfits home for me to try on and would return anything I didn't like.  Everything would fit perfectly.

5.  The Party wishes we had an indoor tennis court attached to our house, next to the outdoor living space (which we don't have), so he wouldn't have to go out in the cold to get to tennis.

6.  I want an outdoor living space.  But, every time I say "outdoor living space"  The Party gets all twitchy and his face scrunches up asks why I don't think the new pavers that make up our back patio count as an outdoor living space.  If he doesn't see why, I can't help him.

You see the difference
between back patio and
outdoor living space, right?
7.  I would get The Party to understand the difference between a back patio and an outdoor living space.

8.  I would have someone (besides Party) do all the laundry and put it away.  This person would know how to do laundry so I wouldn't have to do my own so it was done how I wanted it.

9.  Someone would come blow dry my hair every day and it would stay nice all day.

10.  That same person would also cut and color it as needed at my house.

11.  I would have someone bake for school or company so it looked like I made homemade stuff instead of bought.

12.  I could afford whatever vacation I wanted and someone would come pack for all of us and not forget anything.  They would also carry our luggage, unpack it at the hotel, and then come repack it to go home.

13.  I would always fly first class, but there would never be room for my children in first class.

I would have a
much better
outfit than this.
14.  There would be a squad of people just waiting to swoop down and beat the crap out of stupid, annoying, awful people like this guy who is suing the the people he killed while he was driving drunk (you will not believe this article).  Being the do-gooder I am, I would employ this squad to travel around the world opening cans of whoop-ass on all jerks, and when needed, politicians and professional athletes.

Okay, I don't want to ask for too much, so I'll stop there for now.  Also, as I look over my list, it seems that really, I don't need to be uber-rich, I just need to be like Emperor of the World or something like that.  Oh yeah, I forgot one of the best ones!  I wrote it on Facebook the other day.  I wish I could nap and snack at the same time.  I know that sounds hard, but if I was in charge of the planet it would be someone's job to work that out for me.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Tay Swizzle

Tay Swizzle makes me think
of Twizzlers, but they are
not the same thing.
Okay, the title has absolutely nothing to do with what I am going to write, I just had to use it because I like saying it in my head.  And, for anyone who isn't in 8th grade and/or doesn't know an 8th grader, Tay Swizzle is teen-speak for Taylor Swift.  I am not bothered by nor impressed by Taylor, so I have nothing further to add on this topic, but I do like saying Tay Swizzle.  Moving on.

I was really excited to get so many e-mails requesting STFU aka "Unicorn" bracelets!  AND...some of you guys said really nice things and think I am funny.  I am completely loving you and have begun ignoring all the little people here in my real world who don't realize how unimportant they are in comparison to me.  As usual, The Party doesn't really get it.

Me:  I got a bunch of e-mails saying nice things and asking for bracelets.
Party:  How much did those bracelets cost?
I answer
Party:  How much will it cost in postage?
I estimate and answer.  I ignore smirk from Party
Me:  Think of it as a fan appreciation gift.
Party:  Fan appreciation?  Of course people will be nice, you said you were giving them something free.
Me:  You're stupid.
Me:  If people didn't think the bracelets were hysterical/fun they wouldn't care if they were free.  Duh.

Conversation ends before anyone is injured; probably because The Party knows he's stupid and was embarrassed.  PS - He was happy to have his free bracelet though, wasn't he?  PPS - Yes, I know it wasn't technically free to him, but whatever.  He wanted a bracelet and knows they are awesome.  And, I didn't have to pay postage to get him his.

Also, as an aside, my mother made fun of me getting the bracelets and said I needed one that said "TMFT" (too much free time), but please make a note that she too couldn't wait to get her bracelet.  Because it's freaking hysterical to wear a bracelet that says "STFU."

Last thing on the bracelets - if you e-mailed me for one, you should have gotten an e-mail back from me saying it's on the way.  If you haven't heard from me, please send another e-mail.   Also, I can see why some of you are anxious to get anything in the mail - it seems like some of you live in places that probably don't even get mail on a daily basis.  How did you even get there?  Are you being held captive and your request for a bracelet is a secret cry for help?  Blink once for yes and we will send someone to get you.

Now those are twins!
I have no good segue into this next thing, so we'll just pretend it was a smooth transition.  I have been extremely troubled at this article about "twins."   The headline says "Twins Born 5 years apart".  Of course I want to see that because, well, duh.  Who doesn't want to hear how a woman delivered one baby and then was pregnant for 5 more years with the other?  Did the 2nd twin not develop right away?  Was the little embryo just floating around in limbo in there and then started to grow?  Inquiring minds wanted to know.  Well, let me tell you - the whole thing was a scam.  Worse, it's written like it was some kind of scientific miracle, which, PS, it wasn't!

This woman, via fertility treatment, had 5 embryos ready to go.  2 were implanted and resulted in one baby, born 5 years ago.  Then she had the other 3 implanted and gave birth to her second child.  She was in awe throughout her second pregnancy that she would be giving birth to child #1's twin.  Shut up.  That is not child #1's twin.  It is the same as if you had two separate "regular" conceptions.  Just because you fertilized your eggs all at once, doesn't make those babies twins.  If they put half of an embryo that split into her at two different times, then she would have been delivering twins 5 years apart.  If more than one implanted embryo "takes" inside the mother at the same time and results in two babies, I'll call that twins.  This is bullshit.

In further Whistle.Smack. news, here is a quote from Steven Tyler:
"I may come off as a sexual animal, and I definitely am on stage, 'cause trust me, I feel it myself. But I'm not really, really that. I'll sing about it, I put it out there, but I'm not. I'd like to go on a schtupping spree and screw every girl I see, that would want to have me, who wouldn't? But I don't. I want (Erin) for my own, and if that's gonna take that away from it, I don't (do it)." -- Steven Tyler

He is so yucky.  Basically, he is saying that he's willing to be monogamous so his fiance (who appears younger than his children) won't break up with him, not because he loves her more than anyone in the world and can't imagine being intimate with anyone else.  He's a real charmer.

He looks sooo much better
like this.  He would have
never gotten famous if he
looked the other way to
start out.
The Boy has now been driving for almost 2 weeks.  He hasn't killed himself or anyone else, so we are happy with that.  He keeps forgetting to text me when he gets places, so any minute now he's going to lose driving to school for a day and that will probably cure him.  It has been pretty cool not to have to take him back and forth from places, so I am trying to focus on that.

I did not watch the Golden Globes, so I have nothing to say about them.  I did see pictures of some of the best and worst dresses.  Some people seem to not own mirrors.  I heard Ashton Kutcher shaved and cut his hair.  If that is news, I am assuming that world peace has been achieved and cancer cured.

Oh yeah - I got invited (it's exclusive, you can't just join) to join Pinterest.  I have no freaking clue what is going on over there.  Even less of a clue than I have about Twitter.  I still am not feeling the ultimate beauty of Twitter.  I am trying to get a grasp on all these things so I won't be lying when I tell The Party that I am an internet sensation.  I am still going to tell him it, I just want to not lie if I can.  It's not really a must though.  He won't know the difference (and Mom don't go running to tell him).

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Find The Problem

It's a new game I've started.  If you want to figure it out yourself, look at the pictures first, then read.  Essentially, I have noticed that seemingly innocuous things are not and am trying to do a public service by bringing them to people's attention.  Think of it as a PSA.  You're welcome.

Wait until crazy
Victoria Jackson gets
wind of this.  She will
be back on Fox News

 in a heartbeat!
So, first item.  What we have here seems to be a seemingly pleasant, festive Barnes & Noble holiday bookmark.  Or is it?  As some of you may remember, way back when, I mentioned my issues with the most recent Starbucks logo.  It's a mermaid with her tail/legs spread and she's holding them up over her head.  What I see when I look at this bookmark is that Barnes & Noble is running some sort of brothel somewhere in the back of the cafe.  You don't get that?  Just so you know, the CIA or Secret Service is never going to come looking to enlist your help with national security if you can't read between the lines with stuff like this.

Let's take it from the top.  Starbucks name isn't even mentioned, so it's really only an assumption that we are talking about Starbuck's coffee.  What I see are the words "We Proudly Serve" and then the picture of the pornographic mermaid.  Right below that, it says "Visit our cafe."  So, clearly the first half of this bookmark is secret code for what you can "really" get back in the cafe.

I think the bottom half might be even more disturbing.  We have the logo again.  Then we are told that this Christmas Blend coming from the mermaid is spicy and sweet.  Okay. Under the mermaid's spread tail/legs is an ice skater with her face turned up like she's waiting for whatever's coming out of there.  And, whatever you might think is coming out of the mermaid, the guy ice skater has a steaming hot cup of it.  Ew.  This is just not the wholesome holiday bookmark Barnes & Noble would have you believe it is.

I honestly cannot believe there has not been some conservative uprising over this or mention of it during the GOP debates.  Really!  No one is going to mention pornography being given out willy nilly, but it's important to focus on gay marriage as if it is an actual national emergency?  I just do not understand people.

When I came up with my new game I know I had a second picture in mind.  Now, for the life of me I can't remember what it was.  I'm looking at the crap all over my desk and nothing is jumping out.  Perplexing/alarming.

There is not a picture for this, but on November's Men's Health cover one of the headlines says "Gym-Free Abs" in big giant letters.  Um, hello?  Do I need an article for that?  I already have gym-free abs and I didn't have to read a thing.  Don't these magazines have editors/stupid-story checkers?

In VERY exciting other news - I got a package in the mail today.  It was my purple rubber STFU bracelets!!  I mentioned I thought it would be a cool idea (If You Are Easily Distrac...Wait, What?) and many of you whole-heartedly agreed.  I tried to figure out how we could actually get away with wearing STFU bracelets since they are not necessarily appropriate for all occasions/venues.  So, I went with the blind embossed STFU and on the other side I spelled out what it meant.  "See That Fun Unicorn."  I felt that really spoke to the rainbows and sunshine that we are over here.  I hope you all actually want in on our private joke and want these bracelets.  You know why I hope that?  Because I have 200.  

You really would not believe
the number of obscene
rainbow/unicorn selections
there were.  WTF?!
The reason why I have 200 probably speaks to why our economy is in such bad shape.  We have morons running things.  25 bracelets and 50 bracelets were both more money than buying 100 bracelets.  AND, if you bought 100, they gave you 100 free.  How does this make any sense?  I get the whole thing that sometimes selling in bulk is more cost-effective for the company, but why the 100 extra?  I am not even good at math and I know that is stupid.

So, if you would like a bracelet (or 2 or 3) send me an e-mail (donkeystocollege@aol.com) with your name and address and I will send you one (or 2 or 3).  And, in what is clearly an ironic twist given my previous 2 paragraphs, I am giving the bracelets away for free.  Yes, free.  They were pretty inexpensive and the stamp to send me money would cost more than the bracelet, so I am giving them rather than selling them to anyone who was as amused as I was and wants one (or 2 or 3 - I said I had 200, right).

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Walk This Way

Now that I am done doing holiday-time shopping at the mall and have spent the day in New York during winter break, I am more sure than ever that people in generally have no eff-ing idea how to walk or act in public.  I kind of knew before, but now there is no doubt.  People (of course, not us) are rude and clueless.

Everyone cannot possibly be new.  Why don't people know the rules?  Or have manners?  I am going to get the following rules made into a big sticker and just slap it onto people as needed.  I know that might sometimes cause a problem or a fist fight, but if I have to kick someone's ass, that's just how it's going to have to be.  I know!!  I will blow my whistle really loudly at the person, stun gun them (when I work around Party and get one) and then put the sticker on them.

I thought the sticker came out good.  I would maybe add some smiley faces or peace signs so it didn't seem hostile.  Maybe I could even get scented stickers.  That would be nice I think.  I am sure a cinnamon-scented sticker would totally negate any ill feelings a zap with a stun gun might elicit.  

Now, besides having to deal with people who can't walk correctly, I now have a driving issue.  My 16 1/2 year old son, you know, Boy, got his driver's license today.  He was very excited and I was very happy for him.  Except that I don't really like it.  He (and his sister for that matter) is painfully close to getting a "Walking" sticker slapped on his chest and now he's driving.  A car.  On the road with other people.  He is actually doing well with his driving, but it's just ridiculous that someone barely out of toddlerhood is operating a motor vehicle.

I am trying to focus on the fact that since we have a car he will be able to drive it will save me having to drive him back and forth from everything.  I can also get him to take SB back and forth when I need him to.  Forgotten items at the market - Boy.  Weekend trips to Dunkin Donuts - Boy.  Need a designated driver - Boy.  If I can just remember these things maybe it will keep my mind off the fact that his life is in peril every minute he's driving the car.  I also have some Xanax, so there's that too.

Just an aside, for those of you who don't have Xanax (and I guess for those of you who do), if you like to have a cocktail to take your mind off imminent disaster, the Lemon Drop Martini at Bonefish Grill is dee-lish-ous!  Did I say it was delicious?  Best one I ever had.  It's perfect.

So, back to what we were talking about.  And that was....?  Oh yeah, annoying walkers and peril.  Anyway, I can't quite reconcile my teenager who is responsible and mature enough to drive a car with the teenager who refuses to wear a coat.  What is so difficult here?  If it's cold, wear a coat.  Also, as some of you know I mentioned on Facebook, if you don't wear a coat, do not even dream of telling me you are cold.  I don't care.  You should just thank me for not saying "I told you so."

I really think there is some sort of design flaw in the survival instinct in teenagers.  I picked up Boy the other night and he and the 4 other kids with him (in 23 degree weather) are all only wearing hoodies or light fleece jackets.  They are bee lining it for the car and yammering about being freezing.  Lest I should think it was just my group of misfits who didn't have the sense to wear coats, I looked around the parking lot and every single kid leaving the building was under-dressed and running for their respective cars.  Besides a design flaw, how can you explain this?  You know every one of the parents suggested a coat to their kid.  And, I can assure you every one of those kids owned a coat.  I just don't know how the human race survived all this time, especially since the list of non-life-lengthening things that teenagers do is long.

In summary, to start 2012 off on the right foot, people and teenagers should:
1. learn how to walk in public
2. not be rude
3. not be stupid
4. not be annoying.
5. buy me presents (you had to read between the lines for that one).

*editor's (me) note - my mother posted and erased 3 comments before she got to a version of her liking.  I erased the 3 notices below that said "removed by author" thinking we didn't really need them.  I then realized that for humor purposes of my mother's and TMM's comments, we did.  So, pretend the "removed by author" - all 3 of them are still there and laugh away.  The End.

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