Thursday, December 8, 2011

Work With Me

It seems that my children have not 100% been listening to the things I have been trying to teach them and tell them over the years.  I am thinking that perhaps if I made them a little laminated list they could carry around, that might help.  (Come to think of it, The Party could probably use a copy as well).  I am envisioning something that looks like press credentials or a back stage pass that they would wear on one of those lanyard necklace deals.  I think a Handy Reference Behavior Necklace is going to be the new black.

By creating this list, I am helping my children become productive and pleasant adults (as well as less troubling children).  That is to say, they will be able to hold a job and people won't want to constantly kick their ass for being annoying.  Yeah sure, I want them to be happy, but I think not inspiring rage and being gainfully employed is pretty important also.

see, everyone thinks
coughing is annoying.
1.  If you are coughing up a lung, take some cough medicine.  Don't you hear how flipping annoying you are?  I am your mother and I love you, but that incessant hacking makes me want to smother you.  Imagine how people out in the world who don't know you feel.

2.  Similarly, if you are sniffing and sniffing and sniffing and sniffing...YOU NEED A TISSUE!!  Blow your nose!  No, you are not fine.  You need to blow your nose.  No one wants to hear you sniffing.  Further, if you keep sniffing, you are bound to eventually have a big giant gross sneeze.  That will be a nasty disaster because you have nothing to cover your nose and mouth with because you refused to get a tissue.

3.  If you tell me you have a headache or pain in some part of your body, I am going to recommend Advil, Tylenol or ice.  If you are going to refuse to employ any of those suggestions then stop complaining.  Is it your thought I will have some magic spell I can use to fix you?  And, if I did have one, wouldn't I have tried that first?

Get it?  Bahahahaha!
4.  If I tell you that it's freezing out and that you need a coat, just wear the freaking coat!  Do you think I am trying to trick you?  What is my motivation to lie?  Further, if you are only wearing a sweatshirt in 25 degree weather you will look foolish, not cool.  Frostbite is not attractive.

5.  Yes, you will be too full to eat your dinner if you drink two sodas and eat four rolls before the food comes.  Why are you surprised every time?  It's not really that much of a mystery.

6.  Just because you are not actually touching your sibling doesn't mean you are "not doing anything."  If you were "not doing anything" in that same way to a friend or stranger, they would punch you in the mouth or knock you to the ground.  Just stop it.

7.  When you use anything that belongs to me, put it back exactly where you found it.  Not near where you found it or sort of where you found it.  Where. You. Found. It.  Same goes with stuff belonging to bunk mates, college roommates, co-workers, etc.  Not only will people hide their things from you so you can't borrow them, they might hide your things just to annoy you.

8.  No one is fooled when you leave 2 sips of milk in the container.  Don't tell me that you thought there was enough for one more glass.  We both know you just didn't want to go down to the other refrigerator and get a new milk.  This is the rule for all food and beverages:  if you use it up, either get a new one or put the item on the shopping list.  Better yet, if it needs to go on a shopping list, try doing that before the item is completely gone.  And, God help you if you leave and empty box/carton in the fridge or cabinet.  No one ever believes that's an accident.  No one.  Ever.

Just like my children:
an annoying passenger.
9.  If you are not the one driving, don't complain about being tired.  Take a nap and stop being a nuisance to the person who is driving.  It's safer for you that way.

10.  When you see that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink is full of dirty dishes, that is a sign that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and the dirty dishes put in.  This is not a secret sign from God.  This is one of those obvious things that I know you know, or at the very least could figure out.  Know how I know you know?  You are holding a dirty glass/knife/plate and are looking for where to put it because the sink is full.  You are a smart child, I am sure you could solve this riddle without me specifically saying "empty the dishwasher."

Feel free use my list for your own children.  I would be willing to bet it applies to them too.  And, bonus...if you put it on colorful paper and get a pretty lanyard, it could double as holiday gift.  For you Jewish people, that's one night of Chanukah.  Now you only need 7 more gifts.  You're welcome.


  1. After carefully reading this, I have decided that your children will be safer/happier in protective custody. Listen for the doorbell.
    Love, Mom

  2. Oh, and my eye is starting to twitch.

  3. I need copies for my 14 year old!! And I need to add to it.

    If you spend 1 1/2 hours after school at dance team practice & then proceed to another 2 hours at the dance studio - SHOWER!!!

    If you want dessert - do not come tell me so. Especially if I am someplace like at the computer or in my bedroom. You're more likely to find something in the kitchen!!

  4. This applies to my husband as well!!!

  5. 1. Ignore my mother

    2. The shower one should definitely go on the list.

  6. OMG! Are your children and mine clones of each other??? Frostbite...WIN! (I just LOVE "off the mark")

  7. Now both eyes are twitching!!

  8. I could have written this list. If I were clever and/or funny....
    It's all too true.

  9. Alas, your list is a little too sophisticated for my kiddos. A similar list for my family would involve a lot more about crayons.

    I COULD use a copy for the Hubs, but I would need to add "Doors are only baby-proofed if you actually remember to close them." to the list.

  10. You are my hero. I think this is an excellent stocking stuffer. :)

  11. Oh, yes! Thank you for this service! #2 and #6 are especially good for my little angels.

  12. Are you SURE my children don't live with you?!?! I am SO printing out this list and posting it in front of the t.v., where the offspring are most likely to notice it.


  13. How about adding one for the new driver.....Just because there is a car sitting in the driveway, does NOT entitle you to tell me that you ARE taking said car because no one else is using it! How about asking......Just saying!

  14. as I have often said Stef - children are hideous.

    (feel free to have that engraved on my Mother of the Year trophy).

  15. Hilarious! I read the part about coughing up a lung and getting a tissue, he loved it.

  16. You have summed my existance with one post. I have been beating myself for years thinking there must be some magic mother lobe in my brain that was left un-wired due to genetic defect. That was certainly the reason I haven't been able to mother the self absorbed madness out of my precious cargo. Nice to know that either I am simply normal or there are more genetically defective people out there procreating than I realized. Either way...I am not alone.

  17. oh no - you are definitely not alone. I think the issue is what I have said in the past - children are really aliens that just look like people. How are we to be expected to work with that?


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