Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Did You Just Meet Me?

Luckily, I do have a blog!!
We went to a Bat Mitzvah* this past Saturday.  It was an extremely fun party that was marred only by The Party's childish behavior.  Before I tell you what happened, let me just say that his version of the story differs from mine and leaves him in a much better light.  Our friend Barbara knows that my version is correct, but she is very nice and doesn't like to cause conflict, so it is unlikely I can get her to formally come forward.  But, she knows I know she knows that my story is the correct one.

The party starts out just fine.  Well, I assume fine.  I assume there was no hidden message that The Party and I and two of our friends were seated with the 20-something cousins.  Yes, essentially we were at the "kid table." On the plus side, this table was closest to the bar.  For some unknown reason Barbara and her husband were seated at an adult table.  Whatever.

I wish you could see how
truly awesome it is, but at
least you get the idea.
Anyway, we are all enjoying ourselves and dancing and eating and drinking.  Then the trouble started.  The DJ had been handing out fun stuff like hats and light-up rings, etc., then out came the magic wands.  Light-up, flashing, multi-colored, beautiful, fiber optic-tipped magic wands.  Luckily, I got one and so did Barb.  The Party did not.  As we are dancing and waving our wands (I really can barely go on here) Party snatches my wand out of my hand and holds it over his head so I can't reach it!  Hello!!  Are you crazy?!?!  Give me back my f*#%ing wand!!  I am then forced to jump up and down trying to grab for it.  For those of you who don't have a clear picture yet, I am wearing fancy dress-up clothes, not my quit-acting-like-a-7th-grader-and-give-me-back-my-wand clothes.  I am sure this was not adding to the air of mystery and sophistication that usually surrounds me.

Suddenly, Barbara decides she and I need a drink.  She whacks my wand-grabbing hand (PS - ow) and grabs me and off we go to the bar leaving Party to play with his wand by himself (not that wand - we are out in public remember).  Completely out of character, Barb tells the bartender we want shots of vodka.  Bartender says they are not serving shots (what kind of party is this).  Without even skipping a beat, Barb says, we'll have two vodka on the rocks (she is so smart).  The bartender goes to make them (with a puss I might add) and I fake whisper to Barb "minus the rocks."  Well, we are wildly amused by ourselves.  The bartender?  Not amused.  He then gives us the 2 smallest vodka on the rocks ever. Ev-er.  About and inch of ice and and half-inch of vodka.  Not wanting to start trouble, we just eye him and go to walk away.

Right at this time The Party strolls up to the bar and orders vodka on the rocks.  Seeing the tail end of what happened to us, he is only too happy to show us his grown-up size vodka on the rocks (obviously the bartender hates women).  At this point I say "Shut up and just give me back my wand."  You should sit down for this next part.  Party says "I gave it away.  I didn't think you wanted it."  I know!!!  My jaw dropped too.  I am still stunned when I repeat it.  What do you mean you didn't think I wanted it?!?!  First off, was I not just jumping up and down trying to get it back?  Secondly, what in the 25 years Party has known me would lead him to believe I, under any circumstances, wouldn't want that or any other magic light-up wand?  It's like he doesn't know me at all.  The only thing that would have made me want that wand more was if it had a whistle attached to it.

...and the kingdom
breathed a
sigh of relief.
Just to ease your mind,  the bat mitzvah girl's special day was not ruined by bloodshed or divorce.  The Party disappeared for a few minutes and then returned with a wand.  He said he got it from someone else.  Based on his previous behavior that night, I can only assume he snatched it out of the hands of some child, but that is not my problem.  I don't think he actually got me another wand because he felt bad about giving my original wand away, I think he just sensed that his future health and happiness were in jeopardy.  But, as long as I ended up with a magic wand, I don't really care about the details.

*Bat Mitzvah / Bar Mitzvah: for any of you who might not know what I am talking about, here is the Reader's Digest version:  In Judaism, during Shabbat (Sabbath) services on Saturday mornings, a portion from the Torah is read each week.  It is considered an honor to read from the Torah and it is only given to Jewish adults.  A bar/bat mitzvah is when a child turns 13 and is considered (religiously) an adult.  After months of preparation and practice they help lead the service and get the honor of reading from the Torah for the first time.  It is a very big religious milestone.  The accomplishment is usually followed by a celebration.  These celebrations range from casual to extravagant depending on what the family wants and what is the local custom.  What I have written about took place during the party.  I don't want you to think this kind of thing goes on during services at synagogue.  Of course, if people did think that, I bet a lot more people would come to synagogue.

As is our custom around here, I want to point out that since the above paragraph can count as either a learning experience or an adult conversation, you should feel free to act smug and condescending to those around you since you have been spending your time wisely, not merely fooling around on the internet.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Does Not Work Well With Others

"Must Reads" and
Phillipa is such
a catchy name.
It seems I have accidentally fallen into a liking of historical fiction.  Now that I have read all of Phillipa Gregory's books in the Tudor family genre and am 6 out of 7 books into the Diana Gabaldon Outlander series (we'll discuss both these later) I want you to know that I am something of a self-appointed expert on England.  And you know what?  The current England-is-so-proper-and-benign-and-nice reputation that England enjoys is without question the work of the most brilliant PR people ever.  England might be relatively harmless now, but really, it used to be kind of the biggest jerk on the whole planet.

Now, don't get upset any of my English friends (or friends of English ancestry, or people who have visited England or people who speak English), I will explain.  You know I love you all dearly, but all the proper high teas and darling accents don't change that your past ancestors were a little bit hideous and awful to everyone else and not all that nice to each other.

I almost don't even know where to start.  I suppose the fact that someone decided they were king and backed it up by saying "God says I am and you're going against God if you disagree" was the beginning of the problem. I don't know how, but people went along with this.  With that as our jumping off point, England pretty much claimed that any country they wanted actually belonged to them due to divine providence.  Whoever was King or Queen at the time got the Pope to back it up and voila people got on board.  Those who didn't were conveniently (or inconveniently, dependent upon which side of the situation you were on) squashed like bugs.  

Eddie is a RIOT!!  And he
dresses like a woman,
an added bonus.
As comedian Eddie Izzard said in one of his routines (you must watch him if you haven't), England took over a bunch of countries with the cunning use of flags.  They would show up places like India, which had about a kabillion people, and say things like "We claim this country for England.  See, we just planted the British flag here, clearly, the country is now ours."  Izzard is far more humorous when describing this, but he totally nailed it.  How do you just show up somewhere so far from your own country and claim it's yours?

There were a few countries who, like England, thought their king should own the whole world (Spain, France, Scotland).  In between fighting with these countries, England would just get their royalty to marry the other countries' royalty thus creating one giant royal family.  Kings and Queens were essentially breeding their children like one might horses or dogs.  Sadly, part of that fallout is that along the way, we have quite a few royals that whose looks might be compared to said animals.  Yes, I know that's mean, but you go look at the pictures and say that I am wrong.

This of course brings me right back to wondering why the 99% of the rest of the population of England, who was poor and mistreated and unfairly taxed and put upon went along with this.  I am sure it's because the Pope said so.  But what, at the whole start of the monarch thing, made the Pope go for this?  This is about as close as one can get to saying "I'm Jesus and God sent me."  Usually when people make a claim like this they don't get made king, they usually get killed or jailed or hospitalized (depending on what era we're talking about).

Yes, I am well aware that other countries (our own included) have also acted similarly, but none besides England seems to have come out of it all with such a nice reputation.  England is kind of the respected stately aunt of the world.  Russia and Germany, also big on the world domination front, still get the hairy eyebrow from other countries.  They still have a little bit of an evil reputation.

As an American, the irony is not lost on me that once we were free from England we felt that all the God-given rights to freedom and self-governing were only for us (and only a small group of "us"), not for everyone.  Our treatment of Native Americans and our belief that people stolen from other countries deserve to be our slaves is thankfully not something most Americans believe was or is okay.  Let me just say though, people like England way more than us.  We get treated like we're the bullies.  Hello England, learned it from you.

Queen Mum has found out
that she, like the Wicked
Witch of the West, has
no power here.
If we all are now enlightened, forward-thinking global citizens, how is it that England still has a monarchy in place?  The royal family gets a lot of money and owns a lot of property.  Why?  The Royals got to keep all this despite the country deciding (awhile back) that the monarchy would not rule the country.  I just don't get it.  Like I said, there is a lot of good PR going on here.  The British seem to love the Royal Family and won't hear a word against them.  Did I mention that I don't get it?

Now that I have given you a complete and accurate overview of the history of England's reign of terror monarchy I think we can now move away from the topic of Things I Obsess Over That Have No Effect On My Life Whatsoever.  I will also tell you, that as I write all this, I am doing so in an English accent.  I believe it is quite authentic sounding and I no doubt could get voice-over work using it.  It's bloody brilliant.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Voice Or I Hear Voices

Hands down, Erin wins for most
bat crap crazy on the show.
So, as some of you may know, I have been catching up on The Voice.  I have a whole gang of them taped (that's DVR'd for all you young people) and have been watching them without commercials, which is waayyyyy less painful than watching them live.  I am almost caught up and will be able to start watching the live shows any minute.  Hopefully before the whole thing is over.  Now that they are nearer to the end, I am more willing to live with the commercials because I want to be able to discuss some of this stuff with people as it's happening.  There is a LOT of crazy on that show and it needs to be talked about out in the open.

Also of note in regard to The Voice is that Adam Levine is now single again.  Yes, I am well aware that his having a girlfriend was not the actual thing that was keeping us apart.  I don't need you to point that out to me.  I am not even sure why I have made him my secret boyfriend (it's secret because he doesn't know, so sshhhh, don't tell him) he is not really my type at all.  But, we obviously have some kind of chemistry, hence his secret boyfriend status.  It's nice that he's back on the market though since pickings are slim if you ask me.  I was quite upset when Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay.  We hadn't actually met or anything, but there was always the chance he would see me from afar and realize we should be together.  His being gay kind of throws a big wrench into that plan.  So, minus NPH, plus Adam.

What's whiter?  Cee Lo's teeth
or the cat?  And enough also
with the sunglasses.
While we're here, let me throw in that Cee Lo's teeth are scarily white and it's enough already with the cat.  I heard that it's not even his real cat.  Also, Christina, just stop.  No really.  Stop it.  I have no issue that you gained weight, but you do not need to do the whole "I am still so super hot and sexy" thing.  You are trying too hard.  And you're going to smother yourself with your boobs.  And the hair is a weave/wig fail.  Trust me. You would look 100 times better if you would dress like a regular person.  Less glitter eye shadow wouldn't hurt you either.  I have nothing negative to say about Adam.  As you know, he's my secret boyfriend, ergo, he's dreamy.

In other Used To Be A Mousketeer News, Britney Spears' dad has decided to allow Britney's fiance, Jason Trawick to be co-conservator with him.  This means that Britney now has two people, one of whom she is not related to, who can decide what she can wear and where she can go and other things of that nature.  If her father believes she is in good enough mental health to maintain a relationship and plan to get married, why is he still in charge of her and why would a judge put someone, to whom she is not yet married, also in charge of her?  I have no real personal interest in Britney, but this seems like a bad idea.  If a doctor is not willing to say she is stable enough to be in charge of herself, why is she even allowed to get married?  You read it here first, this is going to end poorly.

You know who could use a conservator (among other things)?  Courney Love.  Courtney went on a rant on Twitter about wanting to kill Dave Grohl for trying to hook up with her 19-year-old daughter, Frances.  For good measure she threw in that Dave has always been sexually obsessed with Kurt Cobain (Frances's dad) and has over the years tried to have sex with Courtney as well.  She was a little more explicit (big surprise) in her characterization of the situation..  It might just be me, but if I was worked up about what my over-18 teenager was doing, I might try talking to her.  Or maybe calling Dave up on the phone to share my concerns.  Are she and her daughter even on speaking terms?  I know she lost custody a few years back and I got the impression the two were at odds.  After this Twitter rant, I am guessing Frances is going to un-follow Courney and also probably de-friend her on Facebook.  And maybe strangle her in her sleep.  Hard to say.

I wonder if toppings are included
in the price of your beer ice cream?
As always, there was a news article that made my head hurt.  I wish you could see me rolling my eyes.  There is a new product - only available in Tokyo at this time.  You will totally never guess.  Go ahead try.  Beer that comes out of a dispenser like soft-serve ice cream.  Told you you would never guess.  Know why you would never guess that?  Because it's beyond ridiculous!!  I guess there is no hunger or cancer in Tokyo that needs to be addressed.  Apparently, the beer foam "ice cream" goes on top of a regular glass of beer and the coldness makes a seal over the beer keeping it cold for 30 minutes.  Sounds necessary.  One, how long are you planning to hold your beer and not drink it that you need it kept cold for 30 minutes?  And two, once you start drinking it, aren't you breaking the seal anyhow??  I think we can file this invention under people who have too much free time.  Whistle.

I think I already mentioned that Adam Levine is my secret boyfriend, right?  I do not, however, think he would make a good Christian Grey.  

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Slacker University

Crap! Someone else
already thought of
this! Ironic?
If only there was such a thing.  I would totally get in and would graduate top of my class.  I'm not sure how that would work though, because just applying to the school would show a lack of slackerocity and maybe keep you out.  Then again, the people running the school probably wouldn't even look to see who applied.  I'm going to have to think on this some more to figure it out.  I'll get back to you.

As for slacking, clearly I have been since I haven't posted in forever.  The Party actually asked me yesterday had I blocked him from receiving the blog email since he hadn't seen anything in awhile.  Like I would do it subtly and quietly if I blocked him.  Snort.

I have had to actually give some thought to real universities of late.  First of all, having to do it at all is ridiculous because it is just wrong that I have a child who drives a car and is looking into going to college.  Secondly, for those of you who don't know - college costs a freakin' boatload of money.  All of them.  It is just not right that the thought "that's not a bad price" comes to mind when you find a school that is "only" $35,000.  The bulk of them appear to be around 50k as if that is just a normal regular thing to charge people to pretend to make their kids smarter.

This is how I picture
my college
dollars being used.
Just to summarize for all of you who haven't been keeping up, here's where I am...my car insurance has doubled so that I may have the privilege of allowing my child to risk his life and the lives of innocent citizens in the area.  Also, I am now going to have to pay a really lot of money to send my child somewhere where he will be unsupervised and no one will insist he go to class if he doesn't want to.  I can only imagine that this fee also includes the luxury of knowing that no one is going to check to see that he doesn't come home drunk or high.  Or if he even comes home at all.  That certainly seems like a good value.  Yes, I am sure part of that money is supposed to go to educate him so he can get a job, but not one single school offers any kind of warranty or money back guarantee.  WTF?  

I was just reading an article of what you should do to ensure you don't lose all your money when you win big in the lottery.  I'm pretty sure the fact that this article exists is reason enough to make sure your kid goes to college.  The article basically says hide your money in your mattress and don't spend it and don't tell anyone you have it.  And for God's sake don't give anyone any of it.  Thankfully (albeit surprisingly), it didn't advise taking your tuition money and buying lottery tickets with it.  

Nope.  Not Photoshopped.
It's an eat-you-in-your-sleep
real live rat.
I suppose more support for using our money to send the kids to college is this lady and her pet rodent.  Excuse me, I meant giant pet rodent.  This woman, Melanie Typaldos, obviously did not have the benefit of learning to socialize that one gets at college (or I imagine court-ordered community service after college "socializing" mishap).  She loves her capybara, Gary, so much that she pays an animal medium to help her communicate better with him.  Through the medium, our friend was able to find out that Gary felt a little weird about all her attention.  Not to be deterred, Melanie told him she'd like it if he slept in the bed with her.  I recommend watching the video in the article where you can see first-hand how that panned out.  

Do you think people know how alarming they are?  Of course we all feel way more normal after watching stuff like this, so I guess there is some redeeming value to it.  But still...if you want to sleep with a giant, people-sized rat, you should know that that is something you should just keep to yourself.  Really, you should just know.

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