Thursday, February 24, 2011

Hope You're Happy Now

Well, it seems Charlie Sheen did not want to be unseated by Lindsay Lohan as Hollywood's Hottest Mess.  Attached is the Yahoo link that tells how the remainder of this season's Two and Half Men is cancelled thanks to Chuck and his on-radio rant.  I wonder who from the cast will be the first to pop his sorry behind in the mouth.

I'm sure by Monday we'll have lots more details, but for today I wanted to talk about some books.  Remember - we're all about culture.  We don't want to lose our "Learning is Fun" grant money, now do we?

Oh, and before we go any further, my eyes are all hazy and itchy.  It could be allergies, but I am pretty sure the haze is an indicator that I am developing cataracts right this minute as we speak.  Just sharing.  Back to books.

Over here at DTC, Smartass
 is the new Black

I have told several friends that they MUST read Bitter is the New Black, by Jen Lancaster.  Some have and some have not.  The have nots need to get on it.  It will bond us and bring us closer.  It is pee-in-your-pants funny (in a good way).  The subtitle of this book is: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered, Smartass, or Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office.  I mean this book screams funny from the front cover.  You will want to hang out/drink with Jen by the time you are done reading this book.  At the very least, you will want to read her other books.  The other books are also very good, but I think her last one, My Fair Lazy, is the closest in awesomeness to her first one.

Celia refers to her husband
as Duh Hubby, like that's
his name.  Bahahaha.

Also a laugh riot is Celia Rivenbark.  The first book I read of hers was Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank.  With a title like that, how are you going to go wrong?  Celia (she doesn't know that we are on a first name basis) is from the south, and I swanee, she is just the funniest.  Yes, I am now hearing my own voice with the cute southern accent I imagine Celia to have.  You should be reading this with a southern drawl for the remainder of the post, because that is how I am writing it.  You can go to her web page to see the titles of her other books, which, just by title, are attention grabbers as well.

As awesome as these two writers are, I do not want to leave out the author, whose book I have not read.  This woman is a psychic, whose, let me get this right, spirit guide's name is Francine.  The author's name is Sylvia Browne.  Sylvia apparently has made many predictions over the years and seems to specialize in celebrities.  She is none too impressed (are you remembering to read this with a southern accent) with other psychics who are just general guessers. 

I am so mad I didn't
think of this first!
Her new book The Afterlives of the Rich and Famous is brilliant!!  Like I said, I haven't read it, but the whole book is her, and her imaginary friend Francine, filling you in on what the famous deceased have been up to in heaven.  By the way, heaven is just like here, only without the negativity.  Well then, isn't it NOT just like here??  Anyway, how smart is Sylvia Browne?  Who is available to disagree with her?  It's not like Michael Jackson's publicist is still getting paid to do damage control. 

If she has such good connections, I'd like her to check in on Houdini.  That guy spent years and years and tons of money trying to communicate with his dead mother, to no avail.  I would like Ms. Browne to let us know how he made out when he got to heaven and located his mother.  Maybe if I write in to her she will find out for us.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone again for reading.  I love seeing everyone's comments on here and the Facebook page.  I am having a fun time writing and it's great that people seem to be having a fun time along with me.  xo

Scattered With a Chance of Crazy

Along with the many things I have self-diagnosed myself with, I have decided that I have Adult ADD (I have also had Consumption and African Sleeping Sickness).  It is taking all my focusing ability not to make this a 9 page post.

Every time I decide what I want to talk about I get sidetracked by something else urgent we must discuss  (Facebook, hair issues, children, etc).  In between deciding on a topic, I keep going downstairs to do something.  At this point, I don't even remember what the original thing was because once I get there I forget why I went down in the first place.  While I am there something else catches my attention.  Like someone reminding me I was going to make them something to eat.  Or looking through the mail.  Or remembering I left something in the car.  Come to think of it, I never made it back out to the car.

Anne Taintor is a riot!
So, here is a list of topics we will only sort of discuss and I will get back to when I am in a more focus-y mood or when I can convince the doctor I have ADD and get medication.  Whichever comes first.  I considered self-medicating, i.e., drinking more, but that requires more effort than I am willing to make.  I mean you have to get up, get a glass, go to the den, make the drink, go back upstairs.  For it to really work, I would spend all day going up and down the steps.  Who has that kind of time/energy?

Anyhoo,  here's what the final share list is:

1.  Big report that John Travolta was photographed without his hairpiece.  So what?  We already knew he was pretty bald and I don't think he was trying to pretend he wasn't.

2.  Read a run down on all the Gadhafi children (7 boys, 1 girl).  That is one big Gang-O-Crazy.  Lots of drinking and drug problems.  Several have gotten into trouble in other countries.  One even caused Libya to cut ties with all of Switzerland and refuse anyone Swiss a visa because Moammar thinks Switzerland was mean to his son.  These are the people lining up to take over the country if the Libyans are unsuccessful in their bid for freedom.

3.  People are extremely annoying (not any of us).  This is why I have a whistle.  While I was thinking about that today, my friend Paulette posted an article about people not knowing how to walk on the sidewalk in a manner that does not piss others off.  Very true (and a personal pet peeve).  Article basically says that we are doing society a favor when we tell people to move the flip out of the way (it doesn't say you can shove them, but I bet that would be okay too).  This just confirms that I am helping mankind with my whistle.

Boy's current thoughts on
writing a paragraph for
the blog
4.  I told my son that if he continues to aggravate me (and tell me not to mention him on the blog) that not only will I mention him, but I will put up his picture, along with his cell phone number, school schedule and locker combination.  Husband and I thought that was funny.  Boy did not.

5.  I did not like Jennifer Lopez's lipstick tonight on American Idol.  Too pink.  Everyone on Facebook agreed with me.  Also, we could have lived without her crying.  She was one breath away from telling those she was booting, "this is harder on me than it is on you."

6.  I am extremely pleased with myself at this time.  I broke my pinky nail in the middle today (that's not why I am pleased).  It was bleeding and it still really hurts.  It is only broken in the middle, but attached everywhere else.  Every time anything touches it, it pushes back a little and hurts more.  Tried band-aids and tape.  Lightbulb!!  I Krazy Glued the crack and it worked!!  Feels like 83-87% better. 

 7.  I want to remember to tell you all some of the products I have been using and books I have been reading.  It will be like Oprah's Favorite Things, only all my stuff costs way less and I am not giving any of it away.  Well maybe, we'll see. 

8.  Last thing.  Why don't the producers of the Oscars ever realize that they could shave 10 minutes off the show if they would skip the interpretive dances they do for all the Best Movie nominees?  It's stupid and boring.  I vaguely recall my friend Kim telling me she likes it.  I'll have to ask her and let you know.  But besides her, who likes it?  She is wonderful and all, but I don't think she needs a whole segment of the Oscars just for her own enjoyment.

While I was finishing up, it was just reported to me that Jimmy Kimmel is doing a segment called "how is this news?"  Really Jimmy?  Big stupid copycat.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Everyone's Favorite Game (or Maybe Just Mine)

Gadhafi was on his way
to the Grammys, but
had to change his plans.
Thanks to the Egyptians, people in many countries in the middle east have decided that they too can demand freedom.  As it turns out, the leaders of these countries disagree.  These leaders don't feel that everyone needs adequate food, shelter, education or the right not to be shot on the street.  Currently leading the pack, in a bid for craziest M*&%#@  F*&$%# on the planet, is Moammar Gadhafi.  His supporters have spent two days shooting anyone they happen to come across on the streets.  He has vowed to to die a martyr and fight to the "last drop of blood."  Awesome.  I am not 100% sure Moammar understands what it is to be a martyr.  I think there has to be more than like 5 or 6 people who think the cause you died for was just.

As you know, I love to play Not News.  Despite all that is going on in Libya and the rest of the middle east, it was waaayyyy easier to find out what's happening on the Not News front.  It's actually amazing the amount of Not News people can come up with rather than report on real news (Justin Bieber had big headline, Gadhafi had small mention in "other news). 

I don't think a 16 year old boy
who wants to get rid of his
girly hairstyle is really news.

Speaking of Justin, if you have not already heard - he got his haircut in a new style.  You will see the picture I posted has TMZ across the middle.  They seem to be worried that someone will try to scoop this story.  Don't worry that oil prices have skyrocketed - Justin's hair is being "doled out" to various charities to raise money.  I am picturing this hair being used to make "life-like" Justin dolls  (like Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy's Stabbity Nana doll).  Alarming.

Next Not News story is about the couple, who is not "overly religious," who just realized that the chair they've had for 10 years has a small patch of scratched wood that appears to look like Jesus.  They are considering it a blessing from God.  That's the whole story.  The spot didn't talk.  It didn't heal anyone.  There was a picture and a video of the chair not doing anything.  Where must they live that a reporter could find time to come discuss this with them?

I have included the link of Matt Damon and Emily Blunt being interviewed/playing the Yes/No game.  Apparently Matt has never seen Ben Affleck's penis, but may have held it.  Of course this isn't news, but certainly worth knowing about.  Again, alarming.  I will not include a picture here.

Leading the pack for most snore-y boring piece of Not News is that Gwyneth Paltrow was on the beach in Barbados, in a bikini.  This article had two pictures of Gwyneth looking fit and trim in an appropriate looking bikini.  It said she had been spending time playing with her kids (Apple and Moses - those names are more of a story).  This was a PopEater story.  You are telling me in the world of entertainment, they couldn't come up with anything more interesting?  Isn't our pal Charlie Sheen sneaking out of his at-home-rehab to drink with hookers?  See if you can find anything on that.

Jon apparently says he will look for a
real job, but I don't know what he's going
 to do to be less creepy.

In what promises to be the yuckiest Not News today...I can hardly even say it ...The Gosselins "miss each other."  You can go to the link to read about it.  All I have to say is that if they get back together I may actually puke.  Really??  Really??  WTF?!?!?  Even if you gave each of them 15 minutes and 15 minutes for each of their kids - their time would still be up. 

Keith when he was 23

I just had to add this picture...don't you think Keith Richards looks a lot like Moammar Gadhafi?  Have these two ever been seen together?  Suprisingly, even though Keith does not live in a third world country, he looks a lot more worse for wear than Moammar.  I guess being a dictator is less stressful than touring, doing drugs, and marrying younger women.  Who knew?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

You cannot rush the
 creative process

Before I get anymore nastygrams asking me why there is no post yet today (I am not even talking about my mother this time), let me get started.  There is quite a bit to discuss as there has been some backlash here as a result of my blog.  I'll get to that part in a minute.

Firstly, my husband made friends with FeedBurner and got it to work.  So now, if you look to the right you will see that you can sign up to be notified by e-mail when I post.  Since we don't know if it works yet, Husband wrote beta.  I didn't realize at first HE is who wrote beta and wondered why the word was there since no one else who has this has the word beta.  I rolled my eyes at him when I found out, because do we really need that?  And now I have to figure out how to change it to not say that.

See, I can
be nice

But, I really do thank him because he spent several hours Saturday morning reading through my Blogger book trying to figure out the problem.  He stuck with it until he figured it out.  I abandoned the idea 2 weeks ago.  I also abandoned sitting and discussing it with him about 15 minute into the activity Saturday morning, because it was boring and I knew we would start to annoy each other (read he would annoy me).

So,  blogging backlash.  My 15 year old son, aka Boy, happened to see the Up the Down Staircase post (he hasn't read any others nor had any interest at all in what I am doing) but it was up on the screen.  He is offended and insists that this conversation never happened and people probably won't believe me anyway. I told him that people believed me and liked it because everyone's kids act this way.

Not getting the apology he was looking for, he then looked to his 13 year old sister, aka Girl or SB (Soccer Barbie), and gets her attention by saying "Mom wrote about you too.  She told your whole fish conversation."  SB was otherwise occupied with her phone so she was only sort of listening (thank God) and just looked up at me and said "Don't be mean."   Usually it is much uglier/ whinier whenever she thinks I am talking about her in any fashion at all, any time, anywhere.

Since my brother, husband and son all feel that I am not accurately portraying them or life with me (my son has told me I am mean like Hitler), I have offered them the opportunity to write a paragraph or two that I would include on my blog, unedited  (no Mom, the offer does not extend to you).  You will notice that you are only reading my words.  Everyone is a big talker until they are called to step up to the plate.

Honestly, why is that kid smiling?  Is he high?
He doesn't even know who Kiss is.
 Moving on...I was just on Facebook ( I can't believe we still have not talked about FB.  Maybe tomorrow) and a friend posted a picture of Gene Simmons signing autographs at yesterday's NBA all-star game (no I don't know why he posted it either).  I have to make note that Gene's hair is getting to be more and more of a disaster.  I honestly cannot describe what is going on here.  It is so jacked-up that "hot mess" is all I can say.  I find it even more troubling than Donald Trump's hair.  More troubling is that no one ever says/writes anything about it when he is pictured anywhere or on TV.  Do you think maybe Shannon Tweed is blind or something that she still finds him attractive?  Maybe she is short and can't see as high as his hair.  I don't know.

I think we might have to have a whole post on troubling hair.  Feel free to send me your suggestions of who needs to be mentioned.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Only Parenting Tips You'll Ever Need

These books = 2 cocktails,
dinner and dessert.
There are a lot of books and scientific studies that offer help so you can be a better parent.  The problem is that all these tips are really meant to make your child's life happier, not yours.  I think what we all really need are tools to put in our parenting tool belts that make US happier.  Because, let's be honest, if WE are happier, then our children will be happier.  Okay, maybe our children won't be happier, but they'll be fine.  And really, if only one group can be happy, shouldn't it be the group doing all the work and footing all the bills (and cleaning up all the puke)? 

Tip #1
Do not let other parents make your feel guilty if you know you are making the best choice for your child.  They are just trying to validate what they are doing by putting your way down.

This means that when Alpha-Mom approaches you as you are bottle feeding your baby, and with a look of horror says "You're giving your baby poison a bottle?!?!?" you do not, under any circumstances, start to explain yourself.  We all know breast feeding is considered best, but it does not work out for everyone for an assortment of reasons.  All that matters is that you are feeding your baby.

There are two ways to go here so you will feel happy and Alpha-Mom will not.  You can answer by saying "Of course I am, if I breastfeed I can't get the baby to drink the vodka so she'll sleep better."  Or, if Alpha-Mom is especially annoying (read in perfect shape one week after delivering her baby and nursing while she is talking to you), you can tell her you can't nurse because the anti-rejection medicine you take to keep your body from rejecting your donor lungs is bad for the baby.  You should then cough a little and sound wheezy.

Real babies are much
cuter which is how they
win you over.  It would be
easy to say no if babies
looked like this.

Tip #2

I can't say this any more clearly.  If you say no to your child and then give in after a tantrum, you might as well get "sucker" tattooed right onto your forehead.  These people smell weakness.  If you give in once, you are doomed forever and any grown up who sees you cave will be secretly mocking you.

Don't be afraid/ feel guilty if your child cries.  No one ever died from crying.  And let me tell you this, if you tell your child "no" or something else he doesn't want to hear, and he doesn't cry - then he's not listening.  Say it louder.

Tip #3
Physically hurting your child is never okay.

BUT, sometimes your child will need to be shoved or pushed a little.  This is different than hitting because you are just gently directing your child in the direction she needs to go.  The main purpose here is to get your child to do what you are asking and annoy her a little for not cooperating in the first place.  The feeling of satisfaction you'll get will totally outweigh any guilt you might feel (you won't feel that bad after the first few times).

Tip #4
Children only look like tiny people.  They are really aliens inside of people bodies.

If you try to remember this you will not be so alarmed and appalled by their behavior.  Reminding yourself of this will keep you from having to drink so much to deal with the confusion.

See, children are so ridiculous they
will not even listen to reason.

I know you may be skeptical of what I am telling you, but if you think about it, it really makes sense.  Their behavior is abberant and this is the only explanation.  In nature, a small animal (say a racoon) does not go up to a bigger animal (say a lion) and start making trouble.  The racoon knows to stay clear of the lion or he will get mauled and then eaten.  Children do not understand this concept.

In nature, a baby animal will eat what its mother brings him because he is hungry and has no ability to get food on his own.  A human child will complain and refuse to eat.  That is just not right. Somewhere around their early twenties, the alien will leave your child's body and find a new child to inhabit.  It is only then you will notice your child might be starting to act like a regular person.

I think you now have the basics to be a happier parent.  You will now not have to waste time and money reading book after book that explains how you can alter your behavior and actions to accommodate the whims of your tiny tyrant.  You should take the money I have just saved you and pay a babysitter and go out to dinner.

Lastly, I can't think of any way to make this a parenting tip, but I just have to tell you about the lady with the scissors in her stomach.  We can count it as learning about world news because it happened in Lyon, France.  So, this lady has abdominal surgery.  Afterwards she complains of ongoing abdominal pain.  Fast forwards FIVE MONTHS.  They finally do an x-ray AFTER she realizes they left a scissors in her during surgery.  How did she realize you might ask?  She realized because, during a coughing fit...the scissors came poking out of her navel!!!!  Upsettingly, there was no picture of that.  Just one, that AOL won't let me copy, of the x-ray, which was boring.  She is apparently suing the doctor.  Ya think??  I think you know what my response to this doctor is.  Whistle.  And smack.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Cultured - That's Us

 It has been suggested to me that I am just the person to write a parenting book.  A book, I don't know.  But, a list of helpful parenting tips, totally.  But, as fate would have it, in our ongoing quest to be well-rounded and cultured, we have other things to discuss so we can appear superior to those around us.  Yes, well-rounded and cultured IS our goal...didn't you get the memo?  Please try to keep up.

Velvet Teddy Bear = Dud

So, music first.  It is extremely troubling to me that no one has stepped up to the plate to take Luther Vandross's place.  Even before he died, the closest it looked like we were coming was Ruben Studdard from American Idol.  That totally didn't pan out.

When Luther (yes, we were on a first name basis) died that was James Ingram and Jeffrey Osbourne's big chance to jump back into the limelight.  Where are they?  Nowhere, that's where.  And, there is no one current even close to their talent.  I will bet you a million dollars you wouldn't have ever heard Luther sing "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock."

Honestly, with James and Jeffrey (yes, first name basis with them too) still acting like punks and being no-shows, I would take a Keith Sweat or a Johnny Gill or Boys 2 Men.  Don't these people know how to strike while the iron's hot?   We have lots of rap and hip hop, but no R & B.  Here's your chance!

Below is a video of Luther singing Searching live.  THIS is how you sing a song and add some sparkle.  You don't see big Luther (not to be confused with skinny Luther) trying to liven things up by dressing like a giant Liberace feathered muppet (yes, I am talking to your foolish, lyric forgetting behind Cee Lo).

On the Country Western front, word is out that Glen Campbell is retiring.  I know, *gasp*!!!  Glen, our original rhinestone cowboy, is going to release one more record and do a farewell tour this summer.  It is reported that this new album tested well with college students and will not be "your mother's Glen Campbell."  You might wanna get your tickets now.

If you look closely at the original you
 will never be close enough to see,
you can see the brown.
On the art front, you should know that scientists, who still have not cured cancer, were able to determine the reason some of Van Gogh's paintings have yellow paint that is slowly turning brown.  Apparently, there is a chemical in the paint that is sensitive to ultraviolet light.  Oh, and they have known this for a long time, but now they know the exact part of the chemical and can work to try to make it not react to the light.  No, they cannot fix what already has turned brownish, so Van Gogh is pretty much out of luck.

Andy is probably laughing
from a coffee house in
the great beyond.

Oh yeah, we have some Not Art news too.  Some joker has purchased an Andy Warhol self-portrait for $17 million.  Double the price it was expected to get.  Some people will pay any amount of money to seem like they are cultured.  Not us.  We are cultured for free.

I look forward to sharing my parenting tips with you tomorrow and to finding a way to fit in telling you about the lady who had scissors in her stomach that poked through to the outside.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Up the Down Staircase

Clutter-free staircase
= good children.

As promised, we will be discussing the inability of anyone who lives here (besides me) to carry anything up the steps.  I guess it's not so much the inability as it is the insistence by them that they were unaware of the need for anything to go upstairs.

"How so" you may ask?  Let me give you a for instance.  I will use the boy (15) as my example, but girl (13) or husband (44) would work as well (please note that ages are given to show that these people are all old enough to know better).  Picture, if you will, a pile of boy child's sweatshirts on the first step (at the bottom).  Boy walks by shirts, up steps, down hallway and into his room.

Me: (yelling up from downstairs) "Boy!  Why didn't you take your shirts with you?"

Boy:  (coming back towards me part of the way) "What shirts?"

Me: "The pile of shirts you had to practically climb over to go up the steps."

Boy: "Oh, those."  (suddenly remembering he may have seen something shirt-like in passing)

Now, my favorite part...

Boy: "I didn't know you wanted those to go upstairs."

Me:  standing there refusing to answer.

Boy:  "What?" (accompanied by look of confusion)

Me:  "Really?  You didn't know I wanted them to go upstairs?  That's your answer?"

Boy:  "Yes."

Me:  "Why else would they be there except to go upstairs?  Is there a scenario you can think of where I would go in your room, get a pile of shirts, bring them most of the way downstairs, leave them on the step and then just go on with my day?"

Boy:  "I don't know.  So, should I come get them?"

I usually walk away at that point and hear child come get shirts, grumbling, as if 'I' am the problem.  And like I said, it could be his sister or father I am having this conversation with.  Obviously, it's more annoying when it's with my husband.  He thinks he's being cute and funny when he says it, hoping to distract me with his charm.  THIS IS WHY I NEED A WHISTLE.

Notice upside down dead
fish.  This is what
my daughter's friend's fish
looked like before the end of
day one.  Bahahaha!
I mentioned my daughter's desperate plea for a fish yesterday as well.  By desperate, I mean while she was at the pet store with some friends and one of the moms, she URGENTLY texts me begging to get a fish.  The others are.  She has money.  She'll pay for it.  She'll take care of it.  I won't have to do a thing.  She means it.  She promises.  She doesn't see why not.  She doesn't think I am funny at all (when I said I just bought her boots, pretend those are fish).  I don't make any sense, it's not like she's asking me to do anything.  Thankfully, I was with some friends during this and got to share all the fun I was having.  We laughed and laughed.

Don't feel too badly for her and her lack of fish.  When she was 9 she really wanted a turtle.  We got a turtle and all kazillion dollars worth of turtle crap.  We ended up giving it away.  All the kids had to do was change the water and give the turtle lettuce every day.  That was too taxing, especially once it was discovered that the turtle wasn't actually any fun.  Do we really need to play the same game with the fish?

I am currently operating on a trade-out program here.  I can only keep four things alive at a time.  Right now, that is our family of four.  If we get a pet, someone's gotta go.  And, as tempting as that is some days, I would feel bad to bring home a pet and then leave everyone (you didn't think I was going to stay and take care of the pet did you).

Monday, February 14, 2011

Who Died and Made You King of Anything?

JK - I heart democracy

To update all of you would-be world news followers who were too busy this weekend - Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt.  Apparently he was leaving to vacation at his seaside palace at the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh and didn't want to be president anymore anyway.  Not sure how it's still his palace if he stepped down, or if he made it there. 

I also heard that Switzerland said they will freeze Mubarak's assets to make sure he does not steal what rightfully belongs to Egypt.  While I am glad to hear that, it's seems very un-Switzerland-y of Switzerland.  I thought the fact that Switzerland is notoriously neutral and won't get involved is why terrorists, kidnappers and CEOs send their money there into numbered accounts - so no one can get it.

On the lighter side of the news, my last few posts were written while my husband was in India for work (he spent 48 hours in travel back and forth and 48 hours there.  He does not recommend Bangalore, India as a vacation spot).  I guess maybe Friday some time he texted me, after catching up on his blog reading, that I should not write about him because he is not here for my amusement.  Well, after I caught my breath from laughing so hard, I texted him back asking him why he thought that.  I also told him that he should be thanking me for immortalizing him in print.  So far he's a hold out on the thank you.

Besides Egypt's whole freedom thing, the Grammy's were on this weekend.  Lady Gaga got carried into the show in a turquoise plastic container.  People were saying it looked like an egg; I thought it looked a lot like those travel storage things you attach to your roof rack.  But, whatever, she's a freak as usual and everyone is in an uproar that her song and her look are lifted from Madonna. 

Bruno is a good singer, and a cutie too.

There were two things I think were worthy of note.  The first is that Bruno Mars did a bang up job making his song, Grenade, bearable to hear for the 4 billionth time.  Loved the song originally, but it is beyond over-played.  He did a whole 60's early Motown-ish version which was fun.

Nothing says "stay in school"
 like Cee Lo's costume.
Cee Lo Green - Forget You.  I don't even know what to say.  The picture I posted does not even capture it.  If you didn't see the performance, consider finding it on YouTube.  Stunning.  It was some sort of Muppet Drug Induced Liberace extravaganza.  And then add Gwyneth Paltrow.  I have to say, Gwyenth was the best part.  But honestly, if I was given the chance to sing at the Grammy's, I would not be inviting any Muppets up there with me when they didn't even sing on the record.  You can't be a Johnny Come Lately.

I think tomorrow we will talk about my daughter's desperate plea for a fish and why no one in my house can carry anything up the steps.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Blonde Walks Into a Bar and Says "Ouch"

Some music is both a
comedy and a tragedy
I couldn't decide if I wanted to talk about comedians or musicians.  Now, there are plenty of "musicians" whose talents are laughable (yes, I am looking at you Kesha with the dumbass $ sign I refuse to use), but that's not the same as being a comedian, because you don't really mean for people to laugh.

Also, I don't mean the kind of "comedian" who might live at your house who says crap like "I'd rather be fresh than stale."

I'm talking about real comedians (maybe we'll discuss music tomorrow.  I'll let you know). 

Anyway, I LOVE good comedy.  L-O-V-E.  Watching a good stand-up comedy special is one of the few things my husband I can do together where I know things are not going to deteriorate into a conversation that ends with "Well, if you think that, then you're stupid."  "No, you are."

If laundry makes him happy,
who am I to take it away?
Don't get me wrong, my husband is lovely.  But, annoying me for sport is one of his main hobbies.  His other main hobby is doing laundry right before company is expected.  I know that doesn't SOUND like a problem, but it is.  If company is coming, and you only have an hour or so to clean up crap from all over the house, that is NOT the time to catch up on the laundry.  That is the time to start shoving crap into closets and drawers.  That is the time to run out and get dessert since you meant to make it but didn't.  That is the time to yell at the children that they are ungrateful and unhelpful and we can't have anything kept nice around here because of them.  It is not the time to ask me if my jeans go in the dryer or get hung up (and honestly, how many times are you going to ask me that).

Yes, I did gloss over the fact that my husband is the one doing the laundry.   It's out now.  He has a full-time job and I am at home and he does all the laundry.  He insists he does it because I do it wrong.  I do not.  I am the one who showed him.  But if you think for one minute I am going to fight him for it...can't give you a bigger "as if."

Stop with the raised eyebrows and look of pity for my husband who's doing the laundry every night after work.  I know you are thinking that I am ungrateful to complain about when he does the laundry, but, as I would say to him, "If you think that, then you're stupid."  (reminder: you're line is "No, you are.")

You are perhaps starting to see why we try to watch a lot of comedy?  He's difficult.  You can see that, right?

Anyhoo, you got me all sidetracked and we aren't even talking about comedians.  As I was saying, we love comedy.  Last weekend we went with friends to see Kathleen Madigan.  LOVE her!!  I wish I could hang out with her.  I am sure we would be BFFs.  If you happen to talk to her, don't tell her I said that because I think she will be worried I am little stalker-y and not want to meet me.

We also love Wanda Sykes.  Her latest special "I'ma Be Me" is a riot!!  She does a whole bit on Spanx.  Honestly, we were both crying.  She named her roll of fat on her stomach - Esther Rolle.  Get it!?!?  Bahahaha.  I am also extremely impressed that she is wearing a leather blazer up on stage, and despite the lights and all, doesn't even seem to get sweaty the whole time. (**note - clip is not appropriate for children or humorless people and has cursing**)

We are going to see Lewis Black next month in Atlantic City.  That should be fun.  He is constantly furious, which would make me want to mess with him to get him more riled up if I was friends with him in real life.  Again, don't repeat that if you are talking to him because I am pretty sure that's not going to go in the plus column of the should Lewis Black be friends with me debate.

To sum up our visit:
1.  Some people are funny, but don't mean to be (Kesha).
2.  Some people are not funny, but think they are (people who might live at your house).
3.  My husband does the laundry and will try to get you to like him more than me, but he's stupid.
4.  Fun comedy clips to keep you amused if I did not.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

American Idol or Sobfest 2011?

I generally like American Idol.  Sort of.  I like it once they have narrowed it down to the top 24.  Before that it is torturesome.  They have just wrapped up the auditions throughout the country and all I can say is - WOW!  There are a lot of freaks not under any kind of supervision.  I am able to know this just from the 18 total minutes I have watched in the last month (I can only watch a few minutes at a time).

What is with the stupid wannabe
soul patch?  It could use an
 "Extreme Makeover"
First of all, the whole process is like Extreme Makeover - Home Addition in that one story is more tragic than the next.  You know, Ty gets all teary telling us how he found this family of 7 living in a well only big enough for 5.  Their baby is the size of two babies and takes up extra room due to his rare condition that can only be cured by regular doses of oxygen and sunshine, but they don't get enough of that in the well.  Ty then digs up the well, putting a pool in it's place, and builds the family a house with extra oxygen pumped into it to  help the baby go back to normal size.  Ty is practically bawling by the time he finishes the story.

Where was I?  Yeah, so, American Idol.  Early on we meet the guy who was about to marry the love of his life.  She is beautiful and wonderful.  She is in a horrific accident and has a traumatic brain injury.  I am not making light of this; she is tragically disabled at this point.  It's awful.  Our would-be Idol has stayed with her and helps care for her because he loves her and you don't just leave someone when things get tough.  Thank God he could sing.  I think he was cute enough, I couldn't see through the tears.

This week we met the guy who loves music and has been told he gets his talent from his dad.  He doesn't really know because his dad died when he was very young.  He also was diagnosed with Tourette's and a mild form of autism.  He was picked on and beat up as a teenager (PS, he's not helping himself still with that hair style).  Now, he has the love and support  of his girlfriend and feels he can follow his dreams of a music career.  Oh - and they have no jobs and they have a baby.  He cried when he was done his performance because it was so emotional and the judges loved him.

Who knew you could find
clipart of a burning house?

How are we supposed to pick anyone else besides one of these two to win?  Who wants to be the dream dasher?  This poor girl today who got picked today to go to Hollywood has no idea she has no chance of winning.  Taking a risk, she left home to follow her dreams.  She's finally all settled in and then her house burns down.  That's sad and all, but, that's it?  No one got hurt?  No beloved pet has yet to show up?

As for the judges, the only thing worthy of note is that Steven Tyler is kind of smarmy.  He switches off leering at some of the girls (you can see him picturing them naked - ew) and being outright rude to the disasters.  You have the whole season to do your Simon imitation, just say yes or no and let's move on.

Oh - and can't forget the guy who came as an autobot. Yes, that's right, autobot.  Essentially a car transformer.  He pulled apart one of those kid motorized cars and made a suit out of it.  He rolled into his audition.  Big surprise - he couldn't sing.  He seemed a little surprised to get a no.  Really?  You are in a car suit and sung crouched up in a ball so you would look more car-like.

Pretty much, you now know all you need to know about American Idol for probably most of the season.  I'll let you know if anything worthy of note pops up.

she has money for lips,
but not nails?

In other "you don't say" not news, Lindsay Lohan was back in court today with more lip filler than usual.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Potpourri for $500, Alex

My eyebrows
aren't that scary
Update on my ability to make a logo, get e-mail subscription to work, or connect Facebook to the blog:  Do you see any of those things?  No, you do not.  I didn't want have to do this, but I blame my husband.  If he really loved me he would have learned all about blogging and FeedBurner so that when I need help he would know what to do.  Quick - go check down at the comments where my mother, I'm sure, has already written how wonderful my husband is and that I shouldn't pick on him.  Whistle.

My mother completely ignores the fact that while my husband is indeed lovely, his main hobby is annoying me for sport.  She knows it's true.  This is the person who when he says he's coming home early, says he isn't telling me what time, that I will just have to send my boyfriend home right away.  Woo hoo, soooo funny!

As I have told him many many times, what are the chances that I would possibly add to the number of people who see me naked or to whom I have to be nice?  Zero.  Those are the chances.  But, you know, it's funny every time you say it.  Not.  Whistle.

This picture was photoshopped
to make me look bad
Other family news - my brother thinks I should have a family tab up at the top so my family members can let all of you know who you are really dealing with.  Currently, he feels you should know I am the last person who needs a whistle.  Wrong.  He's younger and obviously still unhappy about being gently directed by me as a child.  Ignore any stories you should hear about me cutting off his teddy bear's legs.  He exaggerates for effect.

On the Not News front, Howard Stern finally got on Twitter and is apparently being kind of crude.  That's weird.  Who would have imagined?

In international Not News, Jude Law and Sienna Miller have split again.  You are telling me there is nothing celebrity-related that is even marginally more interesting than that?  Elvis hasn't been sighted anywhere?

In our continuing quest to appear we are paying attention to the world around us, I will let you know that Shmuley Boteach (celebrity rabbi/ ambassador type) has written an opinion piece saying that Israel should be stepping up to the plate to champion Arab freedom in Egypt.  Really?!  All this time I had been thinking that Israel had to be pretty happy that no one had found a way to blame them yet for the whole conflict.  The article seems to ignore the fact that if Israel acts at all, they will be condemned by pretty much everyone on the planet (as they often are).  Considering the trouble they already have, I am thinking Israel would like Shmuley to shut his bagel hole, mind his own beeswax, and go back to helping Madonna, Demi and Ashton with their Kaballah homework. 

Oh - and PS - if you actually go read the opinion piece that I put up the link for, you can totally be condescending to pretty much anyone for the next couple of days without even concerning yourself with any other world news.  Work on your "smug" look.

I do want to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting.  I wish that the comments on here were like the ones on Facebook, where you could "like" them.  If you get a minute and want to check out some of the comments, you will see that some are posted by other bloggers and you can click on their name to check out their blogs - they are worth having a look at. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Real Super Bowl Report

Let me give you the sports update.  The Super Bowl was yesterday.  Green Bay Packers played the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Green Bay won, 31-25.  Ben Roethlisberger (who has been in the news) is the quarterback for the Steelers.  Really, that's all you need to know.  If you cared about the game you already know the particulars, because you watched the game.  If you don't care one bit, that is all the information you need.

This is a football.
You should probably
know this.
Even if you couldn't give a crap about the Super Bowl, you should know the above-mentioned information.  I will tell you why.  When you ask questions like "What teams are playing in the Super Bowl?" the day before the game, your husband will give you a look of such shock and disdain that you will have to quickly say "Ha ha  - gotcha - just kidding" and then run upstairs and look it up on line.  Also, apparently, you look clueless if you don't know which team Roethlisberger is the quarterback for.  Oh, and if any time this week you say you don't know who won, people will shake their heads at you.  They won't care that you are not interested in football, everyone will think you are a dork (versus a nonconformist) if you don't know.

I did not see Christina Aguilera sing the National Anthem.  Heard she messed it up.  Heard it about a thousand times.  She has a reputation for being a very good performer and she a has a great voice.  I am giving her a pass.  Everyone makes mistakes.  At least you know she was singing live.  She did not have any kind of weird hat on with a whole city on it like the person who sang during the World Series.  That's in the plus column.

I did see the Black Eyed Peas half-time show.  I thought it was kind of hard to hear the singing, but overall, I thought it was good.  I was pretty impressed with the 4 kazillion dancers who all seemed to know what they were doing and were wearing cool light-up costumes.  How do you even hold rehearsals for that?  And where did all those people sit during the game?

Let's give credit to  He is legally
blind and actually has to work hard to
dance and not fall off the stage (for real).
Anyway, the Peas got panned pretty badly.  People are all in an uproar that the acoustics were awful, Fergie was screaming, they didn't sound that good, on and on.  Really people?  Settle down.  It was a half-time show.  It wasn't a concert you paid $200 a ticket for.  It was just something to listen to/watch instead of commercials.  They threw the stage together in 5 minutes, and were dropping people from the sky (and didn't kill anyone).    They sung a medley of songs everyone knew.  I was entertained.

As for Slash and Usher...we didn't really need them.  I'm surprised they even agreed to it.  They were each on for 2 seconds.  Hardly seemed worth the trip.  And, if you like the Peas, how interested are you in hearing Sweet Child Of Mine?  Answer: not very.  Could have also lived without Fergie dancing like Axel Rose.  Usher's split was kind of impressive in that he didn't appear to smack his "parts" on the stage nor kick in the head when he jumped over him, so win-win there.

Lastly, the commercials.  I was disappointed in the E-Trade baby ones.  They weren't as funny as usual.  The Bridgestone one where the guys freaks out at sending an e-mail "reply all" was a riot.  The little kid as Darth Vader (Volkswagon) was great - but they only showed a shortened version.  That one is so good in the full version, I am posting the link -  Darth Vader Commercial.  Other than that, nothing really caught my interest.

I think you have all the important sports-related details you will need so you can converse intelligently this week.  I spent a lot of time eating, so I may have missed some other (I am sure unimportant) stuff, but I think you're good with just this.

This is not a fighting chicken. 
It would be too yucky to show you those pictures.
This chicken was trying to steal snacks on the
beach in St. Thomas (also for real).

In other world news - The Daily Beast reported that a man was killed by a chicken during a cockfight.  Yes, you read right.  Seems chickens, with knives tied to their beaks (but of course), were fighting and one of the chickens slashed a man in the back of his calf, severing a major artery, killing him.  I think we are going to file that right under "and that's what you get."

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