Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Stating The Obvious

With the election over and people ignoring Donald Trump's rantings about the vast conspiracy to rig the elections to keep Obama in office, we needed something "official" and "important" to focus on.  Turns out that something is the Petraeus scandal.

I am not putting up a picture of
Patraeus.  He's an ass and he's
not even good looking.  David
Gandy is hot, with a capital
I will tell you right now, I only know the little bit I could garner from headlines and quotes because I really can't bear to hear about this nonsense so I have not been reading the articles.  Well, most of the articles.  One caught my eye and I just had to go read more.  This headline read (something to the effect of) "Petraeus's Wife Furious."  Really?  You don't say?  Twice in the article sources are saying his wife is "furious."

Whistle! And loud buzzer noise!  That is not news.  Of course she's furious.  Not only did her husband cheat on her, but the entire freaking world knows about it and it has turned into a giant clusterf**k.  Is there someone who wouldn't be furious about that?

I saw a headline today that said Obama knew about the Patraeus scandal before election night.  Um, so what?  I bet when he heard about this while he was in the final throws of trying to remain president, he very calmly looked at whomever shared this information with him and said "I don't want to hear the words 'Patraeus,' 'scandal,' or 'affair' again before Wednesday.  And, if I do, they will never find your body."  Of course, I can't be sure of this, but I would totally put money on it.  I mean, no question, that's what I would have said.  I also would have faked lunged at the troublemaker to make him flinch and jump back.  Maybe added some crazy eyes too.

In unrelated news, Notorious Nineteen, by Janet Evanovich, came out today.  I am very excited.  For those who you haven't read 1 through 18, these are easy, fun (and a little bit silly) reads.  It's like a good beach book, but with a little more substance.  The characters are entertaining and well-developed.  When the movie came out of the first book (last January) there was tons of talk of who should and should not be cast in the various parts.  Sherri Shepherd (from The View) was perfect as Lola; Debbie Reynolds as Grandma Mazur was miscast.  It should have been Chloris Leachman.

Put them away Xtina.
Girlfriend is one deep
breath away from an
Further unrelated news - Chrisitna Aguilera put your boobs away.  There.  I've said it and feel much better.  Christina's been getting lots of comments on both her red carpet dress and her performance outfit from the other night's American Music Awards.  Her red carpet dress was purple and actually covered her boobs, which is unheard of for Xtina.  Photographers, however, were sure to catch as many unflattering angles as they could, which I didn't think was nice.  She's curvy and gained weight, we get it.  I like that her attitude is "screw you" I am going to wear what I like.  Christina took that attitude right to the stage in a corset and fishnet stockings.  Now, if you can sing like she does, you can wear whatever you want on stage, but honestly, Christina, put your boobs away.  They are always out (watch any episode of The Voice).  They are distracting and always look like they are going to pop out at any minute.  And, I can't imagine she isn't going to catch a chill that way.

Let's see...anything else to tell you?  Not really.  Well, I am getting ready for Thanksgiving.  This means that starting last week I am refusing to cook anything that's not for Thanksgiving and I have made 423 trips to the market.  So, we have a lot of food (but I still forgot tin foil!!) but no one has been given anything to eat that requires fire to create.  I hope all of you will have a wonderful holiday and that, like me, you have many things for which to be thankful.

Monday, November 5, 2012

And You Know What Else?

A few weeks ago The Party looks at me while he's washing something off in the sink:

I think I know just the holiday
gift for The Party.
Party:  Why don't we have rubber gloves for washing dishes?
Me:  I don't know.  Why would we?
Party:  Who wouldn't want rubber dish washing gloves?
Me:  I wasn't aware you wanted rubber gloves.  You hadn't mentioned it in the last 20 years.  Is this like the thing with the hand soap?  I can get you gloves if you want them.
Party:  No. I don't feel as strongly about the gloves as the hand soap.

I assume some of you are thinking to yourselves "What hand soap?  I don't remember any hand soap."  Don't worry, I will explain.  Actually, I would love to explain because no one believes me when I say that The Party can be problematic.  Honestly, he totally can.  I mean he is all sorts of swell, but he makes it seem like I am always the problem, and that is just not the case.

Now, some of you may have heard this before, but I think you can use the refresher (to keep in mind the next time you take Party's side against me).  Picture me minding my own business, hanging out in the kitchen.  Party comes downstairs and starts on a rant, out of nowhere.  Nowhere.

Party:  And I can't stand the hand soap we have in our bathroom.  I don't like the consistency and I hate how it smells.  And you bought the biggest bottle ever and now we will never run out of it. I hate that soap.
Me:  Um, we can get different soap.  I didn't know you had a preference.
Party:  And then that whole big bottle will go to waste?  You're just going to throw it out?
Me:  (surreptitiously hiding sharp objects while I speak softly)  It was a $3.00 bottle of soap, I am happy to stop using it and buy you different soap.
And make sure you get the
regular soap, not the foam.
We. don't. like. the. foam.

Party gave me a distrustful, sideways look.  Like I was lying or something.  Anyway, you will be happy to know that no one was harmed during the hand soap incident and that Party has been enjoying his hand soaps from Bath & Body Works ever since.

PS - in case you were thinking that someone who enjoys pleasant smelling soaps would enjoy pleasant smelling candles, you would be wrong.  Party only like smelly soap, not smelly candles.  He hates smelly candles.

Please note that during both conversations I was calm, pleasant and agreeable.  Not a problem at all, as some people would have you believe I am.

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