Monday, February 27, 2012

And We're Back

Hello Friends!!  It's been forever!!  First, I was getting ready for vacation, then I was on vacation, and then I had to recover (read clean up the disaster situation I left my house in when I left).  But, now I am back and am dying to catch up.  As I said on Facebook, if you didn't notice I was gone, please just nod and smile politely and we'll move on.

Picture this with bathing suits
instead of fancy clothes and
that's where we were in regard
to the chair savers.
First, the vacation.  My mom took my family and my brother's family to Beaches in Turks and Caicos.  As you know, a vacation you do not have to pay for is already awesome before you go.  We all had a great time and nobody had to get voted off the island.  I would say the only problem the whole time we were there was the relentless chair saving.  At every pool and on the beach people would save several chairs.  There were always tons of empty chairs, but nowhere to sit!  So rude!  Here's how it works cannot save your chairs at 7am and then not come use them until 1pm.  The longest span of time you can leave your chair is to go get lunch.  So, we're talking like an hour.  Other than that, you are just racking up bad karma points and destined to have a lot of rain on a subsequent vacation.  Or have someone accidentally trip you on this one.

Later this week, I am very excited to say, I will be going away again.  This time just me with my friend LG (you remember her from the New Orleans trip).  We are going to Florida to visit her mother.  We have lots of fun things planned and I am really looking forward to it.  As I told LG, the best part will be that I will not have to utter the following phrases at any time during our trip: "pay attention," "watch where you're going," "stop it," "get off her/him," or "I don't think you need a fourth ice cream today."  Also, I will only have to pack/ make a list for myself.  Oh, and I am using frequent flyer miles, so another free trip for DTC.  If only I didn't have to stand next to LG in a bathing suit (she's tall and thin)  The Party could come too, it would be the perfect vacation.  Yes, that's what I meant to say.

Speaking of The Party, it's his assertion that my last post, Boys Are Just Terminally Wrong, was actually making fun of him.  Uh hello?  Everything is not about you.  I can't help it that when I share my observations about life Party thinks it's about him.  Sure, he was in a fraternity and sure he won't carry a bag, but the post could hardly be characterized as mocking him personally.  And really, it wasn't even mocking.  It was descriptive, or thought provoking, if you will.  One might say that Party and other male-type people might want to use this as a spring board for introspection.  It could be the first step on the way to enlightenment and self-awareness.  I will be waiting for all my thank you notes.

Now, if I wanted to hassle The Party, I would tell you what happened the other day when I went to do laundry.  If I was trying to give him a hard time, I would tell you that, in an effort to be helpful, I was doing laundry after our trip, as no one had any underwear, but ran into a problem, thanks to him.  I put a load of laundry in the washing machine and went about other things in the house.  I had to run an errand before taking my shower and figured I would throw the stuff in the dryer on my way out.

**side bar - my errand was that I realized, as I was about to get in the shower to get ready for a black tie event, that I had neglected to buy the requisite foundation garment so I had to rush out to the store.  My back-up item happened to be in the washer so I figured if my trip was a failure, I at least had something clean that might work and would be dry.  Timing was of the essence here.  I had not scheduled in a trip to the store.**

So, I go to put the clothes in the dryer, but I notice the washer has some weird code and says "add items."  WTF - add items??  Who is the boss around here?  I decide how much stuff gets washed at a time, not the washer.  Anyhoo, I figure the washer was may be off balance so I reach in to move the clothes around.  This is already a problem.  The clock is ticking. Because we have a new extra large, top loading, no agitator (it's a beauty) washer this task is kind of difficult.  Why you ask?  I will tell you.  It's a problem because in order for me to reach the bottom, I have to hoist myself up on my tippy toes and lean my whole body into the washer.  The edge of the washer is digging into my ribs and I can't breath and the blood is rushing to my head.  Oh, and my toes are now a little bit off the ground.  And no, I am not making this up.

I climb back out of the washer (tick tick tick) and start the machine.  Lots of moving and wiggling (by the machine), but no water, and now no code either.  Gahhhhh!! I have to go!  Stop the washer, reset it, start the washer again.  Same deal.  It's starting, but no water is coming out.  Nothing is flashing.  It seems as if the washer is actually "working" but just without water.  Are you kidding me!?!?!

This washing machine
debacle was the thanks
I got for trying to be helpful.
Then suddenly, it dawns on me.  I look up at our new easy-to-reach valve that turns the water on and off to the washer.  IT'S OFF!!!!!!  WHO THE F TURNED THE WATER OFF???!!!  I of course know that it's Party who has turned it off.  After all, you're supposed to turn off the water when you go on vacation.  But here's the thing, we have never, not ever, not once in 20 years even discussed turning off the water, let alone actually done it.  How does he just decide to turn it off and not mention it.

Despite the fact that I have now wasted quite a bit of time that I don't have, I take a minute to e-mail Party and ask him how long he figures I just screwed around at the washer trying to figure out that he turned off the water.  His cheery response was that how could he not use our new valve now that it's so easy to reach.  And oops, he's sorry, he meant to tell me.  He was not sorry at all.  AT ALL I tell you.  He thinks it's funny that I have a hard time reaching into the washer and that my toes dangle.  I know he was chuckling to himself just thinking about it.

So, as you can see, my last post in no way was meant to give The Party a hard time.  If I wanted to bother him, I would have written something along the lines of the above.  But, I would never do that because I am a ray of sunshine and wouldn't want him to think people are taking my side against him.  So Party, you are welcome for not making fun of you.  xo

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Boys Are Just Terminally Wrong

There is just something wrong with boys/men/males.  And honestly, it mostly defies explanation (not unlike electricity).  It's amazing that so many of them hold jobs.  It's like they know they have to act normal when they go to work, but they don't see how/why they should do that anywhere else.  Like home, restaurants, bars, beaches, etc.  Nobody is pants-free or has his hand is in his pants all day at work (please God let that be true), but as soon as they get home...and that's just an example of their bizarre behavior.

The fact that they can copy human behavior in the workplace, and for the most part their behavior seem to improve with age, shows that men can learn how to act with the proper guidance and a lot of patience.  As many of you know, the amount of patience required is often more than can be conjured up without the help of liquor and/or jewelry.

This is just the average way
a boy will say "Good Morning, I
like your shirt."
If you are not exactly sure you follow me on this, let me give you an example of how boys are just not right.  When girls are friends with each other, they generally act like they like each other and call each other by their first names.  Apparently, high school and college-age boys (and of course, some older) feel that it is not manly to be so intimate and use first names.  It's last names and insulting nick names only.  I mean obviously, if you call your best friend by his first name, people will think you're gay.

News flash.  No one thinks you're gay.  No one cares if you're gay.  Including gay people.  That being said, it is not necessary to call attention to the fact that your friend is stupid, fat, lazy or bald and come up with a rude nick name.  It's just mean.  Of course, no male people will admit it's mean.  They all pretend they think it's funny and normal.  No woman is going to going to say (loudly, for all to hear) to her friend "Oh my God, I can't believe you're eating more pizza!  You're already fat enough."  Sure, we might talk behind each other's back, but we're not looking to embarrass each other.

This is the fraternity
The Party was in.  All his brothers
were very manly.
I also find it interesting that guys don't worry about people thinking they're gay when they live in a fraternity house with tons of other guys.  All sleeping and showering right on top of each other.  That's not homosexual in any way.  It is, however, questionable to nicely wish your friend good luck on a job interview.  The best you will get from your guy friend is "Try not to screw it up."  Apparently, that means the same as when we women hug each and say "I know you'll do great!"

Other things that are not manly (in the mind of men only): 
* asking for directions/ reading assembly directions
* thoughtfully choosing the group greeting card and getting everyone to sign it
* complimenting another man on anything
* sharing feelings with a close friend (having a close friend at all is questionable)
* not finishing a beer, even if you don't want anymore
* dancing with a group of guys

I know you thought I
was making this up when
I described it.
Another thing wrong about men is the crap they invent.  You know that no woman invented the stupid hat that lets you attach a beer on each side and drink the beer out of a straw.  Ditto the flopping/singing fish wall hanging.  I was recently looking in House Beautiful (a decidedly un-boy-like magazine), and listed under "charming animal-themed accessories" was a speaker you could plug your iPod into.  The speaker was a plastic-looking pig and you plugged the iPod into its ass.  First, what is charming about that?  Second, I bet the editor of that section lost a bet.  To a man.  No woman willingly came up with a pig's ass speaker and thought to put it in a sophisticated magazine.

There is also the bag aversion.  Bags of all sorts.  If they have a lot crap to carry from home, it's not going with them if it doesn't fit into their pockets.  They are not even sure which is worse, a leather man-purse or if you put everything in a handled-shopping bag for them.  And at a store?  If a salesperson asks if they need a bag, their go-to answer is "no."  Doesn't matter what they bought.  They are fine if handed their merchandise in a bag, but the mere act of being questioned sends a message that anyone who needs a bag is a wuss, so therefore, they don't need a bag.

Figuring out the bill and splitting it evenly and then handing in their money also causes angst for our guys.  If everyone owes any amount between $15.01 and $19.99 and everyone has a twenty, no one will admit to wanting/needing change.  They give a casual "whatever" as if it would be too unseemly, too gauche, too downright unmanly to want their change.

It really is no wonder that we women often find men to be inattentive or insensitive.  How can they possibly pay the correct amount of attention to us when their every waking moment is filled with making sure not to seem un-manly or inventing things that make noises like burps and farts?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Sh*t That's Magic

This experiment shows
why when you divide fractions
you flip the second one
and mulitply.
There is a lot sh*t that is totally magic.  Sure, scientists want you to believe there is a logical reason, but there's not.  Don't be fooled.  These science people just hate anything that can't be explained.  As a result, God/The Universe/Mother Nature/Karma has allowed these science-y types to sell us the "logical" explanation.  I think the Powers That Be just don't want to see any heads explode.  Those science type are easily vexed.  No offense Science peeps, but you know I am right.

The following is a list of thing that have explanations that you might have learned in school or read about but are total bullshit.  If you take one extra second to think, you will see that there is really nothing that supports the explanation of why these things work.

As soon as you say
the word "law"
everyone thinks it's true.
Electricity - it just exists and is created, but we have to worry about a shortage?
Gravity - no reason it's here and not in space, except magic.
Why humans are alive- closed system that just works with food and oxygen, which is created from trees.
Why records work - ridges and needle don't equal music.
Digital music recording - there's nothing there, it's pretend.
Radio - sound waves directed around the world into distinct sounds/words - no plausible explanation.
Telephone - same
Television - really? sound and light just floats around the world and reconfigures exactly how we want?
Anesthesia - trauma to your body doesn't kill you because you can't feel it?  You're still being cut open.
Most Math - past addition/subtraction/multiplication/division, logic doesn't explain any of that stuff.
Earth Rotating - inexplicable

I know seeing this all spelled out is very disconcerting for some of you.  But, I think once you accept that most of the world operates on magic and just embrace it, you will feel liberated.  Being compelled to understand and grasp fake concepts is why many people do not do well in school.  It's a proven fact.  There have been studies (trust me).  

This art depicts, in a more user-friendly 
way, the scientific explanation 
for why the earth rotates.
Many creative types have figured out the world works due to magic and rather than face being ostracized, they pretend they just like art better than math and science so they don't appear stupid.  When you try to explain to people that scientific explanations are really just specious arguments, many get all nasty and condescending.  Those people worked very hard to understand all the rules and minutia of the universe and don't want you raining on their parade.

Completely changing topics, but it just came to mind as something else that doesn't make sense; mechanical pencils.  In my last post I listed some things that I just don't see the beauty of.  Many of you were on board, but quite a few people felt compelled to tout the mechanical pencil.  One person was The Party.  He loves mechanical pencils and informed me they are used by smarty-types like accountants and engineers (both groups who probably think electricity isn't magic) and, in support of his statement, he said that you don't see too many people filling out unemployment forms with mechanical pencils.  Giant Ev.  And whistle.

In Summary:
Think outside the box - you will see you are being fooled.
Magic has created electricity but not calorie-free, yet delicious pizza
When I say things like electricity and the phone are magic, people like The Party get all rashy and worked up.
I still think mechanical pencils suck.

The End.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Evil Geniuses

Do you see Ron and his
dehydrator taunting you?
What if there aren't any left!?!
There are many many products that come onto the market that seem like they will be awesome, but end up kind of sucking.  Or, at the very least, not being all that awesome/useful/innovative.  The Ron Popeils of the world can get us to watch a half-hour long commercial and convince us that we cannot live another day if we can't rotisserie our own chickens in the comfort of our own homes.  Right now!!  And, might as well get a jump start on things and and up your blood pressure meds because you will never be able to overcome the panic you are feeling knowing that people all over the world are already eating pounds of dehydrated fruits and vegetables they have dehydrated themselves while you are still trying to jot down the web site and get one yourself before they all sell out.

Most of the interest in these products kind of dies out once enough people buy them and tell their friends that whatever it is is "only okay" (hello Snuggie and potato peeling gloves).  The problem is when someone comes up with an idea that enough people can get on board with and stay on board with.   Then the rest of us must then constantly remind ourselves that said products might be good for others, but are just not for us (I am looking at you George Forman Grill and Epilady).  Basically, these products work for some, but not others.  More specifically, these products require more work and effort than I am willing to put forth for something that is supposed to be awesome and easy (and painless) to use and clean up, but isn't really.

There are several inventions/ideas that people have been clinging to as if they (the inventions/ideas) are fabulous and cutting edge and the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Luckily for you, I am here to warn you about them and explain to you why they are not so awesome.  I am also considering starting various petitions to get them banned.

That is the $180 Porsche
Mechanical Pencil.
Also called the "A fool
and his money are soon
parted" pencil.
Mechanical Pencils
Hideously stupid disguised as clever.  I suppose the draw (get it, bahaha) was that you never have to deal with pesky pencil sharpeners again?  At least when you use a pencil sharpener you get a sharp point.  A mechanical pencil starts out dull and gets duller.  It's bad enough having to use a pencil at all (for math or standardized tests), but now you have saddled yourself with a pencil that's always dull and smudgy and if you press too hard (or at all) will snap.  Once it snaps you get push the button at the top and hope you get the right amount of lead to come down.  Not too much.  Not too little.  Oh, and now you are writing on a jagged uneven edge from where you broke the last part.

If I haven't convinced you yet that mechanical pencils are stupid, let me just throw in there that you can't even use them for anything "official" because they are not #2 lead pencils.  Why we need a #2 pencil for everything and why all pencils aren't #2s is a whole other issue.  So, what you have is a dull-pointed mechanical pencil, which costs more than a regular pencil, that you can't even use for all your pencil needs.  Oh yeah - and they don't even all have erasers on them.  Again, tell me why people like these and keep buying them,

Silk Scarves
Back in the 1600s, or some other non-21st century era, men wore what I would describe as puffy, scarfy, tie-like items.  I assume this is the basis for women and male gondola drivers to wear scarves.  Every so often some magazine tells you how you can spice up your wardrobe and look urbane and more professional by strategically tying a scarf around your neck or shoulders.  Big eye roll.  Unless you are in a magazine, you are going to look like you are wearing an outfit and then added a scarf.  At some point there must have been a gang of scarf designers who realized no one really needs a scarf that doesn't even keep your neck warm.  These people are who probably started the trend.

No one ever looks like they meant to wear a scarf.  It rarely just blends.  Plus, and here's the most important reason not to wear a scarf, you pretty much are going to look like a cowboy who swapped out his bandanna for a fancy, silky bandanna.  Fact.  Maybe if you throw on a beret and a striped shirt you will look like the aforementioned gondola driver (I don't know what they are really called).  Add a cigarette and perhaps you can go for the French male artist look.  But you see how a scarf is not going to help your outfit though, right?

Sweaters worn in an "alternative" manner
You will note your preppy-types or country club set are able to throw their sweaters over their shoulders and tie the sleeves in a jaunty knot in the front and look ever so put together and darling.  I assume the person who came up with this look sold sweaters and had a lot to sell.  I get not wanting to carry your sweater if the weather changes, but this look is deliberate, not consequential.

This is the kind of person
who has your money and
his mocking you with
 his rich friends.
If I am wearing a sweater and then decide to tie it around my shoulders, I look like I am wearing a cape.  And, to be clear, by "I" I mean almost everyone in the world except rich people on yachts and my friend Irina.  If you tie your sweater around your neck you are going to look like your sweater is attacking you from behind and you are going to stretch out the sleeves of the sweater.  The latter part of that statement confirms my suspicion about the the surplus of sweaters that needed to be sold as the dawn of this trend.  If I am selling sweaters and I get you to stretch yours out so you can't wear it regular, you will need a new sweater.  Voila, I am a rich sweater merchant laughing at people around the world in their sweater capes.

A last note on sweaters; don't tie it around your waist either.  That is not ever fashionable, and unless you are under 10, not cute.  It stretches your whole sweater and makes your ass look big.  Its' like a full-body fanny pack.  Enough said.

Those are the three products/ideas that bother me most (at this time) and that I think the world has been scammed into believing are invaluable.  There are rich entrepreneurs on some tropical island somewhere laughing and laughing at all the people wearing scarves and sweaters and trying to write with mechanical pencils.  Don't let yourself be part of their evil conspiracy.

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