Monday, November 28, 2011

Some People Really Ought To Be Supervised

Sometimes when I read things I honestly don't know how some people even have the intelligence to keep breathing throughout the day.  Some things just defy understanding.  Even when you find out the person's motive, you just can't understand how they came to their conclusion without at some point saying "Wait, maybe that's not such a good idea."

Now put two people like this together.  Before I even write another word I know you are already shaking your head because you know you aren't going to be able to believe what I will be telling you.  But friends, you know I don't lie.  *Sigh*  Just think though, anything ridiculously stupid or foolish your children have done in the last 48 hours will likely pale in comparison, so there's that.

I also think Oneal may
have given himself/herself
 a chin implant.
Stunner number one.  Oneal Ron Morris of Miami was charged with practicing medicine without a license.  That was the headline.  To say that is an understatement doesn't even cover it. Oneal, is a man, who identifies himself as a woman.  That's what the article says.  Based on the picture, Oneal makes a pretty skimpy man, so good he prefers to go about his business as a woman.  It would also seem Oneal has been doing his/her own "enhancements."  In order to get a bigger behind, Oneal injected himself with a mixture of cement (yes, cement), mineral oil, and flat-tire sealant.  We will not even get into what would possess someone to think this is the magic potion to a big back yard.  Also, there is no mention where Oneal got the breasts.

Moving on...Oneal, having not killed himself/herself with that formula decided to make money injecting others.  This is the part of the story where you get to decide which person is actually more stupid/crazy/high.  Enter unnamed victim.  UV is looking for an inexpensive way to get a shapelier bottom.  Hello!!  Ever hear of pizza and cake?  Anyhoo, the UV allowed Oneal to keep injecting her despite severe pain.  After the injections, UV waited and waited to seek help for abdominal pain and open sores because she was too embarrassed to admit what she had done.  No surprise, UV had to have surgery and is still recovering and can't work.  At least Oneal and UV didn't procreate together.  Not so with our next pair.

Stunner Number Two.  New York Post Headline "Ex: Gal is a Rubber Robber."  First off, whistle and smack for the author with that title.  In this story, crazy girlfriend Anetria Burnett had twins 4 years ago with her ex-boyfirend, Joseph Pressil.  Joseph thought this was an accidental pregnancy.  Turns out, not so much.  Back in 2007 Joe lived in Texas with his girlfriend of 6 months, Anetria.  Ever the planner, Anetria saved the condoms after she would have sex with Joe and took the sperm to a fertility center to have it frozen as insurance in the future should they break up.  Before we finish with that thought, let's ask ourselves how on more than one occasion Anetria was able to do this without Joe knowing.  I guess that will teach all you men something about just rolling over and going to sleep, now won't it?

Holiday gift for Joe?  All it
needs is a picture of a
condom at the bottom.
One might also wonder what kind of place just lets you walk right on in with sperm and have it frozen.  The fertility clinic reportedly said they assumed the two were married.  Being equally smart as the people at the clinic, Anetria used her real name as well as Joe's.  Fast forward 4 years.  Joe, who now lives in NewYork, gets a receipt in the mail for sperm cryopreservation.  Long story short (I know, it's already too late) he does some research and finds out what Anetria had done.  Turns out Anetria had figured if she got pregnant and filed a lawsuit claiming he was her common-law husband Joe would have to give her half of everything he owned and let her stay in his house she had moved into when they were together.

Anetria claims she thought Joe knew what she had been doing, claiming "Oh you're not stupid." (debatable).  For all of her trouble, Anetria now will lose some of her child support money because Joe was awarded joint custody.  There is nothing in the article about Joe suing the fertility clinic or Anetria or why Joe hadn't been looking to have joint custody of his children all along.  Do these sound like two people who should be in charge of little children?  Also, did I mention Anetria is an exotic dancer?  In the plus column for Anetria, there was no accusations that she had cement and tire sealant injected into her ass.

You're speechless, right?  OMG!  I just thought of something.  We should rank the four of the people in these stories.  Who is the dumbest?  Craziest?  Most mentally unstable?  Also, didn't I tell you that there was no way anything your kids had done recently would be as traffic-stoppingly stupid as this stuff.  Yes I did.

That cat is a little scary.
He kind of looks like he would
kick someone's ass.
On a completely unrelated note, I just found this story about a woman who is going to be on an upcoming episode of  "My Extreme Animal Phobia."  Who even knew there was such a show?  It seems they make her watch this cat who's behind plexiglass and it upsets her and makes her cry.  How is that something people want to watch?  She says she thinks cats are evil and out to get her.  Shouldn't she really be on a show called "Tales From the Cushioned Room?"

Special thanks today to my friend Amy who gave me the article about Anetria and Joe.  She knew I would be too incensed to let it go undiscussed.  

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Do I Look Like I'm New Here?

When someone does something nice for you, you are supposed to appreciate it and say thank you and smile.  Especially now around Thanksgiving what with the whole "thankful" thing going on.  Sometimes though, I don't want to say thank you when someone does something nice because I know they are doing it with the hopes that their "niceness" will keep me from being angry, not because they are really trying to be nice.  Also, you are apparently not supposed to act like you are onto what the person is doing.  You are just supposed to pretend like it's the best thing ever.

Not sure if that's an FYI or a warning.
The Party just got back yesterday evening after being in France for work for 2 and 1/2 weeks.  During that time he pretty much did not leave the conference room and was working until 2 or 3 in the morning.  Totally sucked for him, and of course we weren't too thrilled around here either.  In that time I probably spoke to him for a grand total of 11 minutes.  We weren't able to discuss any day-to-day stuff or kid stuff.  He was pretty tired and crabby and I was annoyed.  I was sympathetic at how tired he was, but come on!!  He is an attorney who handles mergers and acquisitions for a big corporation.  He is not performing life-saving surgery on anyone.  Neither are any of the people he's working with.  This is not life and death.  But, the people in charge decide stuff must get done by a certain date and off they all go.

Finally, they wrap things up and head home in the nick of time for Thanksgiving (read Wednesday evening).  Here's where the "niceness" I am supposed to appreciate comes in. Wednesday morning I'm on the phone and see a florist's truck.  I know right away who is sending flowers.  No, not the Party.  His company. More specifically, it turns out, the CEO.  The flowers are beautiful and huge!  It's like the florist was told "put all your most expensive flowers in there."  The note is addressed to both of us and reads:

Dear Party,
Thanks for your extraordinary efforts and the support of your family.  Happy Thanksgiving. CEO

Someone who thinks people are nice for real and never have ulterior motives might have been taken in by this "niceness."  Not me.  No sir.  I know what that note really said.  You just have to know how to read it.  Here is what the real message was:

Dear DTC,
Even though we essentially kidnapped your husband and literally kept him from participating in life or parenting his children for over two weeks, it would be super awesome if you did not throw him out as that would probably distract him from his work.  Happy Thanksgiving.  CEO

When I spell it out for you like that it's crystal clear, isn't it?  Yes, I thought so too.  Although the flowers were  gorgeous and it certainly is a nice thing to have something pretty in your house to look at, I figured I didn't need to rush to text Party about them because if he acted like he thought I should think it was genuinely nice, I was probably going to be annoyed.  He could wait to get home to see them.

This is where the story gets funny.  About an hour before Party is due to get home, another florist's truck arrives with a really pretty arrangement from Party (that's not the funny part).  There was a really nice note about missing me and looking forward to seeing me.  I texted Party to thank him and tell him how pretty they were.  I did have to laugh though.  By themselves, Party's flowers were really very lovely and I truly did appreciate and like them.  Next to the CEO's flowers though, they looked a little puny.  I texted Party that he would laugh when he saw what the CEO sent earlier in the day.  I didn't say anything else.

The Party gets home and sees the huge floral arrangement in the living room and looks confused.  He says "were those the flowers I sent?"  I smiled and said "No, those are..." and pointed towards the arrangement in the kitchen.  We both laughed and laughed.  He is not a big flower sender, so what is the likelihood that when he does send them, he gets shown up?  I took a picture with my phone, so the colors are not as pretty as they are in real life, but I think you will get the gist.  

Despite the fact that the CEO didn't pick the flowers himself and I bet only sent them as damage control, I will still give him partial credit for at least realizing that he overworked Party for more than two weeks and that we might not have liked it back at home.  Since it's Thanksgiving I will even go so far as to say I am thankful that I got flowers from him - a gift's a gift.  I, of course, am sincerely grateful for the flowers and note that Party sent, because he really was trying to do something nice.  What would have made me the most grateful, however, would have been if someone had sent me a tray of cupcakes or cookies.  Or margarita fixins.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you are off to the start of a fun and happy and healthy holiday season.  xo  DTC

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Am So Cutting Edge

Before I discuss all the ways (one) in which I am cutting edge, I just want to revisit the whole teacher thing.  You know from my last post that I am all about teachers.  I love me some teachers.  But, here's the thing...there are a few issues.  I don't want to blame all teachers; it's probably just a select few evil ones who decide on world-wide curriculum.

This is the extent of
my math ability.
I would say that my main complaints are math-focused.  Everyday Math to be exact.  Long story short, people suck at math so educators decided to find a better way to teach math; something more intuitive.  Awesome.  We can all get on board with that.  After that is where I part ways with Everyday Math.  Aside from teaching kids to count in their head the way they would count money, i.e., big numbers first, the rest is a big disaster.  Okay, it's not a big disaster if you don't care about looking like you're an idiot to your 7 year old when you try to explain subtraction and are met with a look of pity and disdain.

Children no longer "borrow," they "redistribute."  Complete bullshit.  It doesn't matter that it's not really borrowing, your 2nd grader understands the concept of borrowing, she does not have a f#*@ing clue what the word "redistribute" means.  Next - lattice method multiplication.  Problem one - kids don't know what a lattice is so calling it that doesn't conjure up any connection for them.  Problem two - you already can't read their smudgy, dull, indecipherable pencil numbers, why are we making it worse by asking them to make a diagonal grid in a one-inch space.  And then have them put the numbers into the tiny diamonds?

Wait.  There's a way
to check your work?
I could next go on about the meaninglessness of advanced math but I fear perhaps I will come across unstable or unduly bitter (too late?), so I will just move on to the actual topic of the post.  My cutting edgedness.  And my ability to make up my own words, like "edgedness."

Anyway, so here it is...Ta Da!!!...I am now on Twitter.  I figured out how to get on all by myself and set everything up.  I really don't know what I am supposed to do over there, I mean you can't even "like" anyone's comments, but I am so 21st century blogger now.  I had a personal account which I never used, but while I was fooling around last night, I did comment on something Boy wrote.  One of his friends "favorited" it (a lame-ass substitute for "like") and by morning Boy had erased my comment.  I considered commenting on the fact he did that, but figured it would spur on teenage unpleasantness.

My next big accomplishment will be switching my domain name to Google and then making my URL a ".com" versus a ""  That ought to send me over the edge (past cutting edge if you will) trying to figure it out.  If I do not have to be hospitalized/medicated after that I want to figure out how to get the formatting on the actual blog to behave.   I would ask The Party to help me, but, one - he's still in Paris, and two - it will likely devolve into our usual conversation which is "You're stupid" "No, you're stupid."  Said with love of course.

The Blue Hen wants you
to know it's important to
go to at least "1" class a week.
If you want to appear old and not cutting edge, then I recommend that you walk around during a tour of your college campus with your child and point out what used to be in each of the spots mentioned on the tour.  This will make your child roll his eyes and make the tour guide wish you would stop talking.  LG (of New Orleans fame) and I took our 11th graders on a tour of University of Delaware (where we both went, as did our husbands).  We had a lovely visit with each other and the boys liked the school, but we definitely did not come off as being hip and cool.  On the upside, there was one set of parents who kept hugging and kissing, while their son stood off to the side trying to pretend he wasn't with them.  We were definitely way less embarrassing than them, so that was something.  PS - go Blue Hens.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dare You To Trade For A Day

And don't forget
to smile!
In honor of American Education week, I thought I would give teachers some support.  We usually only hear about the crappy ones in the news, but we all know that none of us would be able to read, write or pretend to know math if it weren't for teachers.  The job is not for the fainthearted.  I don't want to say anything, but I think we know that's why elementary education teachers are primarily women.  

There are always lots of people who act as if teaching is a cushy job and that anyone who is a teacher took the easy way out in regard to working.  To hear some people talk, teachers make way more money than they deserve and have a cake schedule, and therefore really shouldn't complain about anything.  I have heard this kind of thinking from well-educated business people as well as blue collar people.  Why the hate friends?

Rather than start a debate, I thought I would just throw out some points and let those who think being a teacher is easy have some food for thought.  And for the rest of us who know better, we can make smug faces and say things like "Yeah!  What do you think about that!"

When you have to go to the bathroom, you just get up and go.  You take as long as you need.  You don't have to wait for any special assigned time.  Heaven forbid you are having some stomach issues, you can go back and forth as much as you need.  You don't have to take a day off from work just to have freedom to use the bathroom.  (caveat - if you are going to stink up the work bathroom all day, just know your co-workers are completely going to talk about you and say mean things; consider taking the day off).

The obtuse and difficult
must be treated with
kindness at all times.
You're thirsty and your coffee cup/ water bottle is empty?  Sucks to be you.  You have to wait until the designated time to leave your room to refill.  Oh don't have to do that?  You can just get a drink when you're thirsty?  Maybe it doesn't suck to be you.

When you take your lunch break, you typically get an hour - give or take a few minutes.  You don't get 45 minutes, 10 of which are spent delivering and picking up your class from the lunchroom.  There's no give or take a few minutes, you are due back right on time, every time.  Don't forget to fit in going to the bathroom.  And doesn't everyone love to eat microwaved lunch from home every. single. day. and never get the chance or have enough time to go out to lunch?  Remember, some schools are not in good neighborhood, you can't always even take a walk to get some fresh air.

People making six-figure salaries (and higher) many of you have only a bachelor's degree?  For teachers to make any amount of money they have to at least have a master's degree.  Many have a master's plus 30 or 60 and they have dual certification in their field.  Some even have doctorates.  Regardless of education and seniority, you would be hard put to find many teachers making six-figure salaries.

If you are a supervisor of any nature...when you make a presentation to your employees they either listen or pretend to listen.  They do not talk over you.  They do not throw things at each other.  They do not make fart noises or actually fart or burp.  When you are making your major point during your presentation, no one yells out and waves their hand around (distracting the people paying attention) and asks if they can go to the bathroom.  When you are done presenting or sharing important information or directions, no one asks if they have to know it for the test.  Everyone you are speaking to gets that you are telling them stuff they need to know.

If someone at work were to actually do any of the above-listed things you could totally call them on it.  You wouldn't have to worry about injuring their self-esteem.  As long as you don't drop the f-bomb, you're probably okay.  No employee who has been fairly reprimanded will bring their mother in to yell at you and call you a liar and tell you that you are picking on their kid.

A test?  So then, I should
write this down?
Children are annoying!!  Imagine the person you least like to work with and then trap yourself in a room with 25-30 of them.  Now remember, no matter what they do or how ridiculous they are, you cannot tell them they are annoying.  It is your job to help them find better ways to behave.  Oh, and if they don't care to cooperate, it's your job to find more ways to help them.  Ditto getting their work done.  Employees have to do their job or they risk getting fired/not getting paid.  If a kid refuses to do his work, that's your fault.  His parents will make sure you know it's your fault.  Further, you will have to come up with ways to make the work more appealing to said child so he will consider doing his work.  All failed attempts are your fault.  The child and his  parent are in no way to blame.

I assume I am making my point.  Being a teacher is hard.  And remember, these highly educated people pick to do it because they like it and want to help educate children and make the world a better place.  Hhmmm, when I say it like that it kind of makes teachers sound like big, tree-hugging, stuck up geeks who think they are better than we are.  I mean they are and everything, but I don't think we need it rubbed in our faces that their job is pretty much more important than most other jobs (even though no one admits it).  Come on, you think your doctor taught himself to tell you it's just stress and you're fine and that you're not having a heart attack and quit calling the office 100 times a day?  No.  A teacher taught him that.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

There Is A Slight Chance I Might Need Medication

There are some people who think there is perhaps a greater than slight chance, but whatever.  Those people do not have the je ne sais quoi that I do and are probably jealous.  Anyway, the reason I think I might need medication is that I am fairly certain my (self-diagnosed) OCD and ADD have both kicked up a notch.  Or two.  For one thing, I started this post about and hour and half ago and have only written one paragraph.  I keep getting distracted by Facebook and my phone and my kids.  And crap, I still didn't go downstairs to put laundry in the washer.  That's not really my fault though because I am not even supposed to be doing laundry.

You know how you can tell
this is a Starbucks in Paris?
Yeah, me either.
I will just change topics for a second and tell you that the reason I have to do laundry is that The Party is in Paris. As in France.  He's in Paris while I am here doing laundry and taking out trash (also not my job).  It's not exactly fun for him there - Party got to Paris last Sunday for work and in 7 days only got out of the conference room twice to eat in a restaurant.  Today his dinner was a ham sandwich from Starbucks.  Lest you wonder why somebody visiting France would go to Starbucks, you should know that this Starbucks is different from the ones at home because in this one a gypsy stole his phone.  So, not really the Paris trip a girl dreams of, but still, he's in Paris in a really nice hotel and I am doing laundry.  No thank you.

Anyhoo, back to my OCD and ADD.  The ADD keeps me from getting stuff done.  The OCD causes me to hyper-focus on what does not need to get done.  Like reading an entire series of 17 books.  In about a two week period.  In my own defense, I was late getting to the party and had to catch up and finish before the next book comes out in 9 days.  Also, they made a movie of the first book and I am all worried they will miscast it.

The beginning
of the end.
The way this all happened is, again, not my fault.  It's really one of you people's fault.  "Lisa" commented on a post where I recommended books and said she loved the Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum series. She said they were laugh out loud funny.  Okay, I love funny.  So, I check out said books at the book store.  The first book in the series is called One For The Money.  The blurb didn't excite me all that much, but I decided to take a chance.  I liked the book; parts were amusing.  I wouldn't say it was hysterical, but good characters and an easy relaxing read.  And I was kind of wishing I could meet this Stephanie Plum's boyfriend.  (Don't be worried, I know he's only pretend).

I read a couple other books before I got to number Two in the series.  And that's when the problem started.  I read Three and Four and couldn't stop.  I had to see what was happening with my "friends."  My mother purchased me Five through Fourteen at a used book store.  I barely left my sofa.  As I approached the end of Fourteen it looked like my family might again get a cooked meal (or at least their odds improved).  I was trying to read really slowly so I wouldn't have to say goodbye to my "friends."  And of course, Stephanie has a second guy in the picture who I also wanted to meet.  Sigh.

Only 216 hours until
the book comes out.
I'm not the only one
counting, right?
But wait!!!  After reading Fourteen, I went to Janet Evanovich's website.  Bingo!!  I wasn't aware, but there was a Fifteen, Sixteen and Seventeen!  Also,  a few Stephanie books she wrote in between the number ones. So, I read 15, 16 and 17 in three days.  And now I am sad for real because I have to wait for Eighteen to come out like everybody else.  Why should I have to wait?  I am a special fan.  I am more dedicated.  I totally want to be BFF's with Janet and discuss with her all of the characters and story lines.  

If you happen to know Janet Evanovich, don't tell her what I said because I think it will make me look too desperate and stalker-y and then she won't want to hang with me.  Just tell her I like her books.  Also, I think you all should read her books too. Then we could have a big book club meeting.  It would be totally fun. Maybe even Janet would come.  You don't know.  It could happen.

In closing, I am not sure if this is really a book recommendation post or glaring proof that I have inherited some of my parents' (yes, you too mother) obsessive tendencies.  On the plus side, I am not a danger to myself or others (well not others who aren't annoying) so when they finally take me to the Nervous Hospital, I will probably have a lot of freedom and won't be on the locked down ward.  Always good to look for the positive side of things.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Really? You Want To Do What?: The Michelle Duggar Story

That's with 19 kids, a daughter
-in-law and a grandchild.  No
 way someone didn't have to get
smacked into cooperation.
People are having A LOT to say about the Duggars and their upcoming 20th child.  Before we go any further, let me say that despite it not affecting my life in any way, I would still rather talk about and hear about the Duggars than hear about Herman Cain or Penn State.  Neither of those topics have any good side or silver lining.  Both are disheartening and show the worst that people can be.  You can't even make any jokes because there is really nothing funny to be said about stuff like this.  At least with Duggars we have plenty we can joke about and poke fun at.  And isn't that what life's all about - having other people you can make fun of or roll your eyes at?

Honestly, wouldn't it be nice if the debate about whether you agree or disagree with the Duggar's Occupy The Planet movement was the most serious issue we were faced with?  So, here's the thing... upon hearing about the upcoming 20th Duggar arrival, my first response was an eye roll.  Not to judge too harshly, but that is just not a normal thing to do.  Baby-having is more of a sprint, not really a marathon.  Most people have a couple or 3 or 4 kids and call it a day.  Michelle Duggar is the like the cross-country runner of baby-having.  And of course she's going to win because it's not like anyone wants to compete with her.

While I was sorting out how I really felt about it, I read our friend from stark.raving.mad.mommy's thoughts on it and pretty much nodded and thought "Yeah, I'm on board with that."  Then I read what Mom-In-A-Million had to say and was in agreement with almost all of what she had to say.  Despite these two different schools of thought, I am still wondering what is the "real story."  What could Michelle really be thinking?  (side note - no matter your thoughts on 20 babies, you have to admit this Michelle is way less scary than Michele Bachmann, so it's a step up in the Michelle/Michele department).

Here are the things that I wonder about, I don't know why, I just do:  

1.  What's up with the bangs?  She always has long curly hair which looks completely separate from whatever bangs situation she has going.  Usually, the bangs are blown straight and then puffed out really big.  Sometimes the bangs extend back more heading in the almost mullet direction.  There's usually a lot of hairspray and teasing involved with that.  She kind of has a Little House on the Prairie/Gibson girl hair thing going and I just wonder how she came up with it.

2.  How do you even find the time or interest in getting pregnant with your 20th baby (ditto 10 thru 19)?  I don't care that she has a gang of other big kids to help her with the little ones.  By the time you could find 5 minutes of quiet or empty space who would want to use it doing that?  Not to be unromantic, but please.  If my view was that any baby that God sends is a lucky gift, I would not be doing anything to help God.  I would be spending my 5 alone minutes praying to God that he send some of those lucky gifts to the less fortunate. 

Do you really think the oldest
Duggar child thought it
was fun that his mom and wife
were pregnant at the same time?
3.  Why/how are she and Jim Bob (and that name, cue eye roll) always so smiley and happy and relaxed?  You can be loving and kind and all about God from here to eternity, but eventually, if you have that many kids, someone is going to piss you off.  Why?  Because kids are freaking annoying.  Even the good ones.  I just saw about 5 minutes of one of their TLC shows where they were answering questions from viewers.  When asked if they ever yell, Jim Bob just kind of smiled and chuckled and Michelle then went on to say that she tries not to "get excited" because that just "excites" the kids.  Um, the whole reason I "get excited" at my house is because the other people who live here are already out of hand.

4.  There is no way all those kids can be so good and calm and caring and loving to each other and happy to pitch in and do chores.  All.the.time.  No one seems to mind that they all have to dress the same.  The whole family appears to have been outfitted by some rogue pack of polo/button down and khaki lovers that escaped from one of TLC's fashion shows.  I love my kids to pieces and I model kind behavior (shut up, yes I do) all the time and my kids are total jerks to each other at least 50 percent of every day.  The way God intended it to be.

5.  Do you think Michelle thinks it's sexy or weird that Jim Bob's hair never moves or gets messed up?

Those are my top thoughts on the matter.  Maybe that bitchy, grating Nancy Grace will do one of those hard hitting interviews where she screams at Michelle to get these answers and then throws in that she bets Michelle wears thongs under her Little House skirts.  I bet then Michelle would get "excited."  I wonder if she would get "excited" enough to smack Nancy Grace in the head or if she would just sit there and smile and fluff her bangs.  These are things to think about.

I put this on FB a few weeks ago
and have made zero progress.
My bangs are a big jerk.
As an aside, I just want to point out that I am writing my second post in the same week.  Excellent progress for me since I never really seemed to have come off summer hours.  But, since Thanksgiving is approaching, I guess I can't really sell that it's summer anymore.  Also, I want to update you on my own personal bangs situation.  They are still growing in and they still wont cooperate unless they spend most of the day in the punishment clip.  This is upsetting because I don't think a little plastic butterfly portrays the level of sophisticated that I am.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Have A Lot Of Good Ideas. A Lot. And They're Good.

The Party is often doubtful of my ideas and theories and plans.  And by doubtful, I mean incredulous, troubled and alarmed.  Not usually all at the same time (there was that ice chopper/car incident, but we don't need to go back over that).  The Party does not heart fun the way I do and sometimes doesn't always appreciate the fun and brilliance in my plans.

See, Braille allows Helen
to read and smell flowers
at the same time.
My most recent idea was completely excellent and the only thing really holding me back is that it would require some work on my part.  But otherwise, it was brilliant.  Learn Braille so I can read in the dark.  There are myriad benefits to this plan.  One, it would be extremely cool to tell people I know Braille.  Two, it would help me in my portrayal of a blind person reading if any kind of Helen Keller/Anne Sullivan telemovie gets made (ditto any remakes of Little House in the episodes after Mary goes blind).  Three, I could read with my eyes closed, which would allow me to rest my eyes, but still read.  Four, and this is what started the whole thing because I was trying to be nice, I wouldn't bother The Party when he was sleeping.

The other night I wanted to read in bed, but Party had already gone to sleep.  I have a little light right above my part of the bed, but I always worry it will bother him.  So, I don't turn on the light and I don't read.  Once I got into bed, Party sort of woke up (probably because I had to wrestle one of the 4 pillows away from him so I could at least have one) and said something.  I don't remember what it was, but I recall it was a little crabby.  I told him my Braille plan.  He was not even the least little bit appreciative of the effort I was making to be considerate.  I mean, if I didn't care about him and his sleep, I could just turn on lights whenever I want and I wouldn't even have to learn Braille.  The Party woke up enough to stare at me and ask who even thinks of stuff like that.  And, he says it like it's not an awesome idea!

You would think he would be more receptive of my ideas since the last time he poo-pooed one of them we lost millions (I don't know if it was really millions, but it was more than zero, which is what we got).  Several years ago, I was lamenting that at cocktail-type parties it's hard to hold your drink and a little plate of food and still eat.  You need an extra hand.  I came up with a plate (designs and all) that would have a hole in it that you could fit your drink in; the plate would hold food and a drink.  I designed one for wine glasses and one for regular glasses/cups.  Because my idea was not inside the box (where Party is comfy) Party did not rush right out and do tons of research and get my plates manufactured.  Clearly, he had lost track of the fact that I am about the ideas.  I am management, not labor.  Fast forward a few years, I see an entire collection, like I envisioned, at Target.  I have since seen similar ones elsewhere as well.  I am still waiting on my "You were right."

In case my two examples are not showing you how I am using my powers for good, here are some examples of bad ideas, which clearly highlight how good mine are:

I am not really feeling those
eyebrows too much either.
1.  Adam Lambert thinking that his impersonation of the Heat Miser makes him look sexy.  Whistle.  He always looks to me like he is playing the part of gay, cutting edge, glam rocker, rather than actually being that guy.  Oh - and if you are not seeing Heat Miser, then perhaps you can remember the Flow-be haircutting machine.  Lambert's hair looks like what the machine does to your hair before it gets cut off.

2.  Chicken Pox lollipops.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We will give that a whistle.  And smack.  And big giant buzz (make a loud ehhhhhhhh noise in your head).  You really have to go read this.  "Let's try this sentence on for size: I just gave my kid a pre-licked lollipop sent to me by a stranger I met on the internet!."  This totally skeeved me out, so I know all my germaphobe friends are DYING and rubbing sanitizer on their hands (and/or entire bodies) while they are reading it. 

3.  New Coke, pajama jeans, Epilady, toupees.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Well I, For One, Am Shocked And Surprised

How was that ever going
to work out?  He's like
9 feet bigger than she is?
Some of you may not have heard yet, but Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphreys are...wait for it...gasp...getting divorced.  It is very disheartening when people who been together for days and days just can't make a go of it.  I mean both their names start with "K" and everything.  And they're both good looking and have a lot of money.  And they both love public attention.  If you have all that and can't make your marriage work, how can the rest of  us hope to make it past the 72 day mark?

Wait?  What?  The rest of us did make it past the 72 day mark?  Phew.  That's a relief.  I will also throw in there, WTF??  I have been in fights with The Party that have lasted longer than 72 days.  Who gets divorced after 72 days?  I'll tell you who.  People who knew they shouldn't have spent a million plus dollars to get married in the first place.  Take a lesson from Julia Roberts.  She realized Kiefer Sutherland was not worth marrying, so she didn't.

This article I am giving you the link to is the only one I saw where I felt a smidgen of sympathy.  Apparently, the whole divorce thing was a surprise to Kris who said he loves his wife and is devastated.  If that upset him, it can't make him feel any better that, despite a pre-nup, the divorce papers Kim filed ask the court to bar Kris from filing for spousal support.  She's kind of just putting it out there that she thinks he'll go after her money.  Gotta say, surprise divorce and gold digging accusation - a little tiny bit bitchy.

I mentioned the divorce on the DTC Facebook page and FB friend Erin thought I should do a "things that last longer than Kim's marriage" list.  She started me out with a few that I wanted to share and give her credit for because they were pretty funny.  Here they are:
1. My can of hairspray.  2.  The actual wedding.  3.  her sex tape with Ray J.  Bahahahaha!
Feel free to share some of your own items that would be good for the list.

No one noticed when they
hired her that she's got the
crazy eyes working?
In news to put the Kardashian divorce in Los Angeles, a substitute teacher was fired because she basically said that the Jews run the Federal Reserve and the banks and should be run out of the country.  When asked if her statement might be a little bit racist, she said no.  It's not racist, because it's true.  Further, any time you talk about the Jews now, you are considered racist.  Getting harder and harder to be a hater these days.  There was also some buzz that she was just exercising her right to free speech.  The L.A. Unified School District appreciated that, but said they had no interest in continuing to employ someone whose behavior is intolerant, disrespectful or discriminatory.  

Let me just add that I am Jewish and don't own or run a bank.  Further, I don't even know any Jewish people who do.  Clearly, I am hanging out with the wrong Jewish people.  Believe you me, having friends with access to the Federal Reserve spells V-E-G-A-S and as you can see, I'm not there.  So clearly, the rumors of vast Jewish wealth and monetary control have been somewhat exaggerated.  

Check it out!  Mac and cheese
pizza!  There was no mention
on the list of either, so I
assume this gets a thumbs up.
In other surprising news, I just read an article that said donuts are bad for you and raise your cholesterol.  Really?  All this time I thought they were good for you.  Turns out, not so much.  No wonder the pounds aren't melting away.  Thank goodness people are getting paid good money to test stuff like this (and others getting paid to write about it), that up until now, has been pretty much a mystery.  And, not to upset you, but also on the list of foods to take out of your diet to improve your health...wait for it...fried foods and fast food.  What are we supposed to eat?  Do you think when I found out I am the only Jewish person who didn't own a bank I wanted to comfort myself with an apple?  No.  I did not.

I am trying to think of more things to write in this post because the longer I am at the computer, the longer I am not eating Halloween candy.  SB has a giant bowl of candy (she has twice what Boy has) so she won't really notice anything missing.  On the flip side, knowing my kids, they have organized their bowls in some way so as to notice the movement or absence of anything from the bowl.  Why can't these children use their powers for good?  Okay, the candy is winning...

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