Friday, December 28, 2012

Things That Will Never Happen In The New Year: A Guide To Aiming Low

This is complete bullshit.  When
you turned the toaster on, the
metal bars would be right against
the cheese.  Burn and Fail.
It's that time of year where lots of people are making New Year's Resolutions.  I never do that.  I don't know why, I just never have.  And, even if I want to lose weight or exercise more, I refuse to jump on that bandwagon full of everyone else joining the gym and Weight Watchers as soon as the new year starts.  I can't bear the superior and condescending looks from the "regulars."  I like to wait until like mid-January or so and then act as if anything new I'm trying is just happenstance.

Of course, all the Pinterest alpha-moms don't need New Years resolutions.  They are always posting all the awesome and wonderful things they are already doing to make their lives easier, more organized, healthier and all-around more special.

Since I have no hope of ever achieving that level of crazy awesomeness, I decided to create a slide show of some things from Pinterest that I will never ever ever try to recreate.  While you look through the slide show, you should be hearing (in your head) Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" only you have to change the words... "you-oo are never ever getting a make-it-yourself-headboard, you-oo are never ever getting a 7 part luh-unch..."  You can ad-lib the rest.  Be creative.

Some notes about this slide show:
1.  Please be extremely impressed.  It took all my smartness to work around my minimal computer savvy to make this AND figure out how to get it here to Blogger.  It was hard and I needed a little rest after.  And a drink.

2.  The only way you can see my very-amusing-to-me captions is to click on the little "i" beneath the pictures.  Also, you need to go to full screen to see all the text.  My smartness only extended so far and I couldn't get them to just show below the picture.  But, you should still be impressed with me.

Here's a tip for all of you when determining if a project or recipe is something you can reasonably handle...If the person telling you about said project or recipe has no stains on her clothes, her hair is done nicely and she starts her explanation with "all you have to do is..." then NO, this is not something you should try yourself.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year!!!  Or, at the very least, a fun New Year!  xo DTC

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Okay, That's Enough

So try not to make a
nuisance of yourself.
People (not us) are out of control.  Some of them live at my house, but there are plenty who are out and about in the world who also need to knock it off.  Similar to the tips I compiled last year in List of Suggestions for Family Harmony, I think this list will help make life nicer.  The bonus is this list helps lots of people, not just my family.

It is my belief that if we can get people on board with this stuff there will be a lot less "accidental" tripping, shoving, smacking and stun-gunning.  Probably a lot less whistle usage as well.  If you cut and paste this list onto nice paper and use a fancy font, you can probably give it as a holiday gift to loved ones.

Ways To Make The World A Better Place

1.  Stop blending words.  When Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dubbed Bennifer, it was novel and cute.  Every celeb couple does not need a blended name.  It's played out, move on.  Ditto the blended word in general.  I saw the word "craftivity" twice yesterday on Pinterest.  Just no.  And, as winter approaches, let's skip all "snow" blends (I am looking at you snowpocalypse).  

2.  What are you doing with all the toilet paper?  I keep buying it, but we're always out.  Are you sneaking out and TP-ing people's houses?  WTF?  Use a normal amount, like normal people or I am going to start charging a toilet paper surcharge.  And, as always, let me know we need toilet paper before there is zero left.  Same with the milk.  Are you bathing in it or something?

3.  It's the holiday season.  Malls, stores and parking lots are crowded.  Pay attention to where you are going!!  Be pleasant and polite.  Say excuse me when you are in someone's way.  Say thank you when someone holds the door for you.  Walk like you have somewhere to go!  Some of you are like the Sunday drivers of mall walking.  Keep right, don't take up the entire walkway and move!  Also, if you could not walk in the middle of the parking lot, holding up traffic, that would be swell.

4.  Teen/tween-specific:  We, your parents, are not stupid, despite what you think.  Please note we've been able to keep your no-sense-having selves alive all this time, haven't we?  Yes, we have.  So settle down and knock it off.

5.  Let's all agree that Prince William and Princess Kate seem to be lovely people.  That said, there is no need for every move they make to be chronicled in the American media.  They are nothing to us.  They are not even all that interesting.

6.  Parking lots are not freestyle activities.  If there's not lines, it's not a spot.

Drama Queens?
Ain't nobody got time for that.
7.  Stop writing vague or mysteriously ominous posts on Facebook and/or Twitter.  It's annoying.  Just tell us  whatever it is you want to tell us.  For everyone else, let's agree not to ask "What's wrong?" when people do this.

8.  People who work in any type of store, including the supermarket and restaurants: if you are not a people person and don't like working with the public, you have the wrong job.  Please don't take that out on me.  I understand the public can be a**holes, but that is not my personal fault.

Picture this with people instead of
cats and that's the conversation in
line behind you.  Keep that in mind.
9.  People who are shopping at any type of store, including the supermarket, you need to have an endgame.  Before it's your turn in line.  This means that while you are waiting for your turn to pay you should make sure you have everything you need and any coupons - ready to go.  You should also have already thought about how you are going to pay.  You don't have to rush, but people want to kill you when it takes 10 minutes for you to fish through all your stuff to find your wallet or checkbook or coupon.  It was a long line, we're all still waiting and you had plenty of time to get ready.

I think the list looks pretty good for now.  I'm sure we can come up with more stuff to put on it, but if everyone (all people who are not us, who already know this stuff) agrees to follow these rules, the world will need a lot less Xanax.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Don't Worry Adam, You Still Have a Chance

Adam is handsome, but I do
have to say he could stand
 to eat a sandwich or two.
So, as some of you may recall, I mentioned in the past that Adam Levine is my secret boyfriend.  You may also recall that it's a secret because he doesn't know about it.  So, remember, mum's the word.  Especially now that we might break up.  I don't want him to be hurt.

Adam is not really my type, but for some reason I just totally dig him.  The issue is that I am now being pursued by someone else.  And he is totally hot.  I can also tell that he is very smart and sensitive and fun.  We haven't actually met or anything, but I'm sure that's how he is.  Yes, of course I am talking about David Gandy.

I put David's picture up (yes, we are on a first name basis) in my last post because I refused to put one up of Patraeus, about whom I was actually writing.  Right away David hinted we should go out some time.  He couldn't come right out and say it (because other fans would be jealous), but I knew that's what he was trying to tell me.  Because he is so discreet, he didn't contact me directly.  In the comment section of the post, his assistant sent me a personal message.

I have been asked to include
David's picture in all future posts.
He doesn't hurt your eyes any.
I will, of course, keep all of you posted on what happens, but Adam and I have been together for awhile and I'm not just going to drop him over one love letter.  We'll just have to see how things play out.

You might be thinking about now "What about The Party?"  "How does The Party feel about you dating Adam and/or David?"  He is totally fine with it.  Everyone knows that it is totally fine to date famous people, even if you are married.  So don't worry, we're all good here.  Plus, Party is handsome and smart and nice, so if Adam and/or David don't work out, I still have Party.  Kind of win-win-win for me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Stating The Obvious

With the election over and people ignoring Donald Trump's rantings about the vast conspiracy to rig the elections to keep Obama in office, we needed something "official" and "important" to focus on.  Turns out that something is the Petraeus scandal.

I am not putting up a picture of
Patraeus.  He's an ass and he's
not even good looking.  David
Gandy is hot, with a capital
I will tell you right now, I only know the little bit I could garner from headlines and quotes because I really can't bear to hear about this nonsense so I have not been reading the articles.  Well, most of the articles.  One caught my eye and I just had to go read more.  This headline read (something to the effect of) "Petraeus's Wife Furious."  Really?  You don't say?  Twice in the article sources are saying his wife is "furious."

Whistle! And loud buzzer noise!  That is not news.  Of course she's furious.  Not only did her husband cheat on her, but the entire freaking world knows about it and it has turned into a giant clusterf**k.  Is there someone who wouldn't be furious about that?

I saw a headline today that said Obama knew about the Patraeus scandal before election night.  Um, so what?  I bet when he heard about this while he was in the final throws of trying to remain president, he very calmly looked at whomever shared this information with him and said "I don't want to hear the words 'Patraeus,' 'scandal,' or 'affair' again before Wednesday.  And, if I do, they will never find your body."  Of course, I can't be sure of this, but I would totally put money on it.  I mean, no question, that's what I would have said.  I also would have faked lunged at the troublemaker to make him flinch and jump back.  Maybe added some crazy eyes too.

In unrelated news, Notorious Nineteen, by Janet Evanovich, came out today.  I am very excited.  For those who you haven't read 1 through 18, these are easy, fun (and a little bit silly) reads.  It's like a good beach book, but with a little more substance.  The characters are entertaining and well-developed.  When the movie came out of the first book (last January) there was tons of talk of who should and should not be cast in the various parts.  Sherri Shepherd (from The View) was perfect as Lola; Debbie Reynolds as Grandma Mazur was miscast.  It should have been Chloris Leachman.

Put them away Xtina.
Girlfriend is one deep
breath away from an
Further unrelated news - Chrisitna Aguilera put your boobs away.  There.  I've said it and feel much better.  Christina's been getting lots of comments on both her red carpet dress and her performance outfit from the other night's American Music Awards.  Her red carpet dress was purple and actually covered her boobs, which is unheard of for Xtina.  Photographers, however, were sure to catch as many unflattering angles as they could, which I didn't think was nice.  She's curvy and gained weight, we get it.  I like that her attitude is "screw you" I am going to wear what I like.  Christina took that attitude right to the stage in a corset and fishnet stockings.  Now, if you can sing like she does, you can wear whatever you want on stage, but honestly, Christina, put your boobs away.  They are always out (watch any episode of The Voice).  They are distracting and always look like they are going to pop out at any minute.  And, I can't imagine she isn't going to catch a chill that way.

Let's see...anything else to tell you?  Not really.  Well, I am getting ready for Thanksgiving.  This means that starting last week I am refusing to cook anything that's not for Thanksgiving and I have made 423 trips to the market.  So, we have a lot of food (but I still forgot tin foil!!) but no one has been given anything to eat that requires fire to create.  I hope all of you will have a wonderful holiday and that, like me, you have many things for which to be thankful.

Monday, November 5, 2012

And You Know What Else?

A few weeks ago The Party looks at me while he's washing something off in the sink:

I think I know just the holiday
gift for The Party.
Party:  Why don't we have rubber gloves for washing dishes?
Me:  I don't know.  Why would we?
Party:  Who wouldn't want rubber dish washing gloves?
Me:  I wasn't aware you wanted rubber gloves.  You hadn't mentioned it in the last 20 years.  Is this like the thing with the hand soap?  I can get you gloves if you want them.
Party:  No. I don't feel as strongly about the gloves as the hand soap.

I assume some of you are thinking to yourselves "What hand soap?  I don't remember any hand soap."  Don't worry, I will explain.  Actually, I would love to explain because no one believes me when I say that The Party can be problematic.  Honestly, he totally can.  I mean he is all sorts of swell, but he makes it seem like I am always the problem, and that is just not the case.

Now, some of you may have heard this before, but I think you can use the refresher (to keep in mind the next time you take Party's side against me).  Picture me minding my own business, hanging out in the kitchen.  Party comes downstairs and starts on a rant, out of nowhere.  Nowhere.

Party:  And I can't stand the hand soap we have in our bathroom.  I don't like the consistency and I hate how it smells.  And you bought the biggest bottle ever and now we will never run out of it. I hate that soap.
Me:  Um, we can get different soap.  I didn't know you had a preference.
Party:  And then that whole big bottle will go to waste?  You're just going to throw it out?
Me:  (surreptitiously hiding sharp objects while I speak softly)  It was a $3.00 bottle of soap, I am happy to stop using it and buy you different soap.
And make sure you get the
regular soap, not the foam.
We. don't. like. the. foam.

Party gave me a distrustful, sideways look.  Like I was lying or something.  Anyway, you will be happy to know that no one was harmed during the hand soap incident and that Party has been enjoying his hand soaps from Bath & Body Works ever since.

PS - in case you were thinking that someone who enjoys pleasant smelling soaps would enjoy pleasant smelling candles, you would be wrong.  Party only like smelly soap, not smelly candles.  He hates smelly candles.

Please note that during both conversations I was calm, pleasant and agreeable.  Not a problem at all, as some people would have you believe I am.

Monday, October 29, 2012

I Am Too Old For This...But I Can't Wait To Go Back Next Year

Okay friends, we have a guest poster today.  It is my sister-in-law Jenni.  Jenni is The Party's younger sister and the mother of 5 and 7 of the Survivor Series.  Jenni is a Marketing Manager at an accounting firm and is very creative.  She's been trying her hand at writing lately, so I thought we'd have her over to visit.

During the summer I had her write about something she thought other moms might relate to and here's what she came up with.  I thought she did a great job!  You can tell when you read this that Jenni has really matured (read - gotten older like the rest of us) in that the Jenni from college once went to Cancun for Spring Break and brought tons of peanut butter crackers with her so she would not have to waste any money on food. You can also tell that Jenni is a little more relaxed of a person than The Party.

Bet you didn't know
Dewey Beach had
their own motto.
Every year 8-12 of my closest friends get together for one blow-out weekend in fabulously fun Dewey Beach, Delaware. If you have never been to Dewey Beach, it is an experience, to say the least. Our love for Dewey started the second we graduated from high school. We literally threw our graduation caps up in the air, piled into a car with everything we needed, and headed to the house we had rented for the summer. (Side note – What were our parents thinking letting a bunch of 17-year-olds live at the beach for the summer? I am sure my brother, aka The Party, just loved the fact that his little sister was living at the beach. Not.)

Anyway, somehow we all survived that first summer. This turned into several summers of living there full-time, which then became many summers as weekenders. We have now settled into what we are now...a bunch of married/engaged ladies who have left their significant others, kids, 4-legged kids, and responsibilities home for our one weekend a year of Cosmo reading on the beach, giggling, and just pure fun in Dewey.

One of the funny things about being almost 40 and going to Dewey is that every summer I have to prepare myself before-hand by hydrating, getting plenty of sleep, and crash dieting. My biggest preparation is mentally repeating over and over again that I WILL stay out past 10pm.   I WILL stay out past 10pm.

Something new that we have been doing to prepare for our trip is turning on Top Hits on Pandora so we will actually know the songs they play while we are on the dance floor.

So, since Girls Weekend (GW2012) is right around the corner, I thought I would brush off a list I prepared two years ago after coming home from the beach and freshen it up a little

The Top 10 Reasons I Feel Old in Dewey

Jenni's friend Jenna is very
organized and crafty and
probably makes everyone
matching stuff like this so that
they will all look cute on the beach.
10. You are told that “oldies" music is anything from the ‘90’s and under. (Note the Pandora comment)

9. When talking to a random 24-year-old kid on Rt 1, you tell him you have a cute babysitter (rather than friend) you can hook him up with.

8. You get called Ma’am by the waitress on Suicide Sunday at the Starboard. (WHAT?!?!?)

7. You are one of the first people on the beach after a “wild” night of partying with homemade PB&Js because, of course, you come to the beach prepared with food (btw, a Special K Strawberry Crisp bar, ginger ale and Advil are the perfect hangover cure. This is a proven fact).

6. The conversations with your girlfriends have changed to cooking, kids, and how tired you are all of the time.

5. You ask the girl next to you on the dance floor if she knows how to do the Percolator (one of your all time favorite songs) and she says it was “before her time!”

4. You are proud of yourself for staying out until 10pm. (Ha...this said 11PM two years ago.)

3. You start talking about how many years you have had “girls' weekend at the beach” and realize it is your 14th year, then you add on the 7 years you lived at the beach or have been a “weekender” at the beach.  You then remember that the 20th high school reunions have all already passed.

2. You party like rock stars for one weekend and say, “I don’t know how we used to do that EVERY weekend.”

1. You learn from a different 24 year old that you are called a Fossil.   That’s right, not a Cougar, but a Fossil because you are a bunch of ‘old’ women who are out but who are all happily married/committed so not looking to hook up.

I limited my reasons to ten, but the list really could go on. I am sure after this year’s trip we will add a few items to the list.  Every year we end the weekend saying ‘we are way too old for this’ but miraculously, after a few days, we are all texting each other that we can’t wait until next year’s girls weekend.  I mean, really, who wouldn’t love a great time at the beach, no kids hanging off of you saying how bored they are, and not having to cook or clean.

So ladies.....are you ready for GW2012????  I sure am!   Right after I make sure the laundry is done, the hubby knows where the kids need to be while I am gone, there is plenty of food in the fridge (even though they will eat pizza all weekend), and the house is clean.   Oh, and I will stay out past 10pm, I WILL!!!

Just FYI, on my 2012
Girls' Weekend we
stayed in one night and
watched the Olympics, but
we're still cool.
No, really,we are.
Most of us, not all, made it out past 10pm every night. I am happy to say that I made it out past midnight both nights!

3 out of 9 of us (not me) ran a 5k race on Saturday morning. You know you are getting old if you can control your drinking enough that you can run a 5k the next morning.

This year instead of being called Fossils, some guy screamed at us on the dance floor ”GO MOMS!!!!”   Like he was complimenting us or something for having decent dance moves AND being moms.   WHATEVER!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Batcrap Crazy

Good Advice
As you may or may not know there is an upcoming presidential election.  It's been in the news here and there, so I figure you're pretty much up on the fact that no matter which candidate you support, people are just flat out bonkers and close-minded.  No matter how each debate has gone, each side thinks their guy won.

Since the political craziness is being covered by everyone on the planet, I thought I'd share with you some regular, non-political batcrap craziness.  As I think you know, there is never a shortage of that.  I've been collecting the best stuff to share with you.  It's almost hard to know where to start.

Hard, but not impossible.  Let's ease into it.  A few weeks ago an article caught my eye - a woman may have  married her father.  She wasn't sure until after he died.  She had known there were rumors to the effect.  When you read the article, she seems like a relatively normal, lovely person, but how do you not freak out and look into that at the first rumor?  Her husband/father was only 15 years older than she was and was purported to have known she was his daughter, soooo...whistle, smack and kick in the junk goes to him for being disgusting and awful.

Get it?  Bahahahahaha!
In other disturbing parenting news, Joran Van Der Sloot, "alleged" killer of Natalie Holloway has gotten his girlfriend pregnant.  While he was in prison.  Apparently, this happened during an unsupervised visit.  He is serving a 28 year sentence in Peru for killing a Peruvian woman.  How is it he gets an unsupervised sex visit from another Peruvian woman?  Who allows this stuff?  Oh, and funny thing, one of the ways he could avoid extradition to the United States would be if he was to father a Peruvian child.  I bet he did not plan that at all.

Moving further along into the world of ridiculous...a 32 year old man threw up, collapsed, and died.  After he won a roach-eating contest.  That is so disgusting, I can't even put it into words.  I think I am more grossed out by this than the guy who married his daughter.  While I don't wish for anyone to die doing stupid crap, how bad can I feel for someone who purposely ate roaches and other bugs in order to win a python?  Breathe easy though, the python is now the property of Bug-Eater's estate, so the whole thing wasn't for naught.

How does Cee Lo not have
people to make sure there
are no pictures like this one?
The last two things are more silly than crazy, but, you know me, I'm a sharer.  I don't think we can call it batcrap  silly though, because that just sounds dumb.  Dumb is what Cee Lo Green looks like though in this The Voice promo picture.  He almost looks like he's the poster child for a charity.  Once you hear him talk on the show, you will see that he might be the poster child for not smoking too much pot before you have to speak on TV.  Not sure if he actually smokes, but I'm hoping that's what the problem is.  If it's not, I'm going to be a little sad for him.  He already looks likes a brown Oompa Loompa guy and when he talks that doesn't help anything.

Filed under "People With Too Much Free Time," there was a study I just heard about on the radio.  This study was the first (and God willing, the last) of it's kind. Over 120,000 texts were looked at.  It was discovered that...wait for it...women use emoticons more often than men do.  Are we actually supposed to be surprised that a woman would put a smiley face on her message more often than a man would?  Is that really shocking?  Oh yeah, and guess what the point of gathering that information was.  Wait, there was supposed to be a point?  You mean no one could possibly need that information for any reason?  Remind me again why we are all not getting rich from doing stuff like this?  There is clearly a market for it.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Kyle's Not Really From The Jokers

By now, I assume most of you know that I am also writing for Babble Pets.  If you don't know, then I haven't been doing as good a job as I thought of badgering you to go read what I write on Babble Pets (that's  It is an interesting job in that I don't actually have any pets.  Shhhhhh.  Don't tell anyone.  The editors said I didn't really need pets, just the ability to write about them and find cute pictures.  Check and check.

You would think then that everything would be rolling along smoothly.  Well, you'd be mistaken.  There have been no outright disasters, but it's not so pretty in the DTC world of pet reporting.  To start with, Babble uses a different program and format than I am used to.  I have barely mastered the program over here, I think you know that there is all sorts of synapse misfiring going on in my head as I try to work it all out.

There were no pictures of
someone crying while
using html codes.  I can't
imagine why not.
At one point, I e-mailed Alie (editor/supervisor) to ask her about inserting links into a photo gallery (see, already this sounds complicated) and she tells me to use the html code.  Awesome.  And that code would be?  I can't even pretend I know, I have to suck it up and admit I am clueless.  After several e-mails, the problem was solved.  And then I needed a drink.  But, if any of y'all need your photo galleries linked to anything now, I'm your girl.

Aside from some other html-related unhappiness, I feel like I have been getting the hang of things and have amused myself with some of my posts (hopefully some other people have been amused as well).  Don't be too happy for me yet.  This is where Kyle comes in (you know, from the title).  Kyle sends out a daily report of the traffic to each person's posts.  There are five of us.  I am at the bottom.  Every day.

Last week (week 2 for me), I e-mail Kyle and ask him to clarify a couple things about the report.  At the end of my e-mail I say to Kyle that I notice my numbers are way lower than everyone else's and would my baking him something help that.  Obviously, I'm joking (like I have to time to be baking when I have html codes to learn).  Kyle. Flippin'. Told. On. Me!!  He tried to be subtle, but he told!

I won't forget this Kyle!
He answered my e-mail, copying Alie (you know, my supervisor), saying he was sure that Alie could give me some suggestions on how to get my numbers up. WHISTLE!!  Ever the smartass, I could not resist sending back a "reply all" e-mail which said "So then, I guess baking for you won't help."  No answer from either Kyle or Alie.   I guess Kyle is more of a numbers person and less of a people person.

I know there is something probably wrong with me, but knowing that my joking made Kyle all nervous and jumpy makes me want to e-mail him every day.  I just feel like I would be doing him a big favor to help him get in touch with his funny side.  That is assuming that statistic and math guys have a funny side.

And, just a little F.Y.I. for Y.O.U., I checked out pictures of the Babble staff.  I believe the average age is about 14.  Alie is super cute, and I would love to look all perky and happy like her, but her picture mostly confirmed for me that I am probably older than her actual mother.  That means that I was told on BY someone young enough to be my child TO someone young enough to be my child.  It's like a sign of the apocalypse or some sort of Lord of the Flies thing where the children are running the world.

I would write more, but I have to go back to reporting on the animal kingdom.  If you feel like giving Kyle something to do, you can go check out what I've been doing over at Babble.  Here are my two posts I like best:
13 Reasons People Are Better Than Cats
Pigs: The Piranhas Of The Farm World

Monday, October 8, 2012

And This Is Why I Don't Have A Dog

As I am sure most of you know by now, I am a ray of sunshine.  If you don't believe me, just click on the "Get to know DTC" tab above and you will see it says it right there.  I wouldn't make this kind of thing up.  Anyway, my sunshiny-ness was put to the test today.  Early in the morning.  Before I had any coffee or breakfast.

Even though I too
look this sophisticated
in my pjs, I thought
it best to change.
SB and Boy and The Party had all left the house by about 7am.  As I am gathering my thoughts and deciding what my day will look like, the phone rings.  It is my friend Amy's son (on behalf of himself and his twin brother).  These boys are seniors in HS, like Boy, and are very good friends of his. These are great kids and I am always happy to do anything for them.  Except I'd be happier later in the day.

Twin 1 says that Amy is already gone and that he and Twin 2 overslept and missed the bus and would I be able to drive them to school.  This is totally not like these guys and I know they must be feeling panicked.  I tell them not to worry and that I will be right there.  Because I don't want to horrify anyone who is not my own child, I put on real pants instead of picking them up in my pajamas (see, sunshine).

As we are driving to school I have the sinking sensation that there is no way the dogs got taken out for a walk.  I could say nothing, because it's not really my problem, but that doesn't seem right.  I am supposed to be the adult.  So, I say "What about the dogs?  Did the dogs go out?"  The boys look at each other and I can tell the panic might be back.  "No.  They didn't." one of them says.  Now I know there is no way either of them is going to ask me, but we all know the dogs need to go out.

I say I will take the dogs out.  People seem relieved.  I ask for the garage code and where the leashes are.  I ask are the dogs going to be freaked out when I come in to walk them since they don't really know me and no one else will be in the house.  Twin 1 says "Uh, maybe.  A little."  I rephrase, "Will either dog be trying to chew my arm off?"  "Oh!  No!  Definitely not."  Okay, we're making progress.  

I get in the house and both dogs come running towards me and let me pet them.  These are kind of small dogs, so the fact that they are jumping around isn't too alarming.  It's not like they can hurt me or reach anything higher than my shin.  (I had to ask, but they are a cockapoo and a yorkie poo)  The bigger dog runs right for the front door and lets me get his leash on.  The smaller dog, the one that I could just put in my pocket, stands back and keeps moving away.  Are you kidding me?!?!

This is what a
successful, happy dog
walker looks like.
While I am trying to catch Pocket, the good dog is really trying to go outside.  I don't want an accident, so I open the door and tie Good Dog to the chair outside.  I go back in to try to wrangle Pocket.  I go left, Pocket goes right.  Pocket then runs out the door, sans leash.  I am forced to walk Good Dog only a little ways on either side of the house because I have to keep Pocket in my sights.  Thankfully, Good Dog does not poop, because there is no chance I am picking up poop.  None.  You may as well call the plastic bags that people use "poop condoms."  You aren't actually touching the poop, but it's gonna feel pretty much the same.  No thank you.  Pass.

I get Pocket to follow us back to the front door and I attempt to enter the house.  I say attempt, because you know I freakin' locked us out.  There is actually a key (my friend Amy is so smart) attached to the leash, but I can't seem to get it to work (Really??? Are you kidding me?).  Luckily, I got us all in through the garage.

Good Dog on left.  Pocket on
right.  Pocket seems cute enough,
but he's a little bit evil.
Did I mention it was cold this morning?  Besides the allergy situation at my house, this is one of the reasons I don't have a dog.  I don't want to go outside in yucky, rainy or cold weather and walk a dog.  And, you can't really get a dog to cooperate the way you might a child.  There was no point at me yelling at or threatening Pocket.  All I could do was use my "nice" voice and try to coax him.  Another thing, it's hard to catch a dog. Kids are way easier to catch, at least until they're about 10 or so.

So, based on my benevolence this morning, I am pretty sure I have some karma points I can bank for a later date.  I'm sure I won't need them, but it never hurts to be safe.

***To see what's going on in the pig world, you can read my newest post at Babble Pets.***

Friday, October 5, 2012

Do You Really Want a Beer That Badly?

Don't worry, I won't let
the money change me.
Before we talk about beer, I just want to share some exciting news with you.  You know how a couple weeks ago I was talking about how I needed a way to make more money.  Or any.  Well, I found it!  As of October 1st, I will be doing some writing for Babble Pets.  If you want to help me not embarrass myself in front of my new friends (you know, when I only have like 3 hits and one is my mother), you can click here and here and go check out my newest posts.  Thanks!  Oh, and I figured out that if I use this money to put towards my beach house, it will only take 1000 months, give or take a few to fully pay for the house.  Not too shabby!

Moving on to beer.  I believe the need for new, delicious and cutting edge ways to make beer has veered dangerously into the arena of "freaks with too much free time who maybe smoked too much pot."  Yes, that is a harsh statement, but wait until you hear why I feel so strongly.  Rogue Ales is a brewery and Pub that has created...wait for using yeast from the brewmaster's beard!!!  That is correct, the company used brewmaster John Maier's beard hair (which PS has not been shaved since 1978 and I'm not kidding) to come up with a new yeast.

You would be essentially
running your tongue through
his beard and eating what you
 find.  But don't be grossed out.
The company had been unsuccessfully trying to develop new strains of yeast with little success.  Then they decided they would try to get creative with finding a new yeast to use.  Not sure how the next jump was into Maier's beard.  Don't worry though, Maier says it's not really gross because yeast is everywhere.  Here are the two things I take away from that statement.  One, I know where you can find yeast on people's bodies and none of those places seem like good places from which to create beverages.  Further, when the yeast gets out of hand, you need medication, so despite what Maier says, I'm going to have to be skeeved by beard beer.  Two, I then am wondering where exactly do we get any of the yeast that we use to bake or brew beer or whatever else you use yeast for?  You know what?  Don't tell me.  Just don't use any from someone's 35 year old beard.

This is the response I would
have expected from the prez
of Rogue Ales. 
Now, I did try to see if I could be open-minded about the beard beer.  I likened it to the new trend of people making cheese out of breast milk.  That didn't help me because I realized I don't feel that good about that either.  I am not sure why, because milk is milk, but it's just not working for me.  I will say though, I'd eat breast milk cheese before I would drink beard beer.  At least human milk is something that is supposed to be consumed.  Hair isn't.

My cousin Ronna is the president of The Beer Ladies of Westchester (PA).  Obviously, since she is a beer aficionado, we need to ask her what's up.  I will let you know what she says if she doesn't respond in the comments.  Questions for Ronna:  Should any sane person consider drinking beard beer?  Should the beer gods smite these Rogue Ale people for besmirching beer's good name?

Thursday, September 27, 2012

You Should Be Able To Tell The Difference

If you are being mocked in a
Willy Wonka meme, you know
you're in trouble.
Poor Mitt.  I am not a Mitt Romney supporter, but I am feeling a little bit bad for him.  His comments about rolling down the windows in an airplane are right up there with Jessica Simpson's long-ago comment about Chicken of the Sea (tuna) where she asked (out loud, on TV) whether it was chicken or fish.  I expect that level of confusion from Jessica, not so much from the person hoping to lead the free world.

By the time you read this Mitt may have commented on his faux pas (You guys all know you can't open airplane windows and why - right?  Right?  Don't worry, even if you don't know, it's not like you are running for president.).  I really can't imagine what he's going to say that's going to make this better.  But, here's the thing, even if you don't like Mitt, it's not like stupid is his problem.  There are so many important matters at stake in this election, and now we will be stuck hearing about this forever.

Maybe Mitt should just say that he had seizure or a stroke.  No, that will probably just make it worse.  Maybe he could say he was kidding.  You know, act all serious like he's going to make an important statement about the matter and just smile real big and say "Gotcha!" and then do a one-two finger gun with sound effects.  Yeah, I think that's they way he should go with this.

Here are a couple other knuckled-headed things that one might expect from rehab-bound celebs, but not from people who want us to think they are smart, caring, and leaders in the community:

Rush Limbaugh:  Recently commented on a study that said male genitalia is 10% smaller than it was 50 years ago (that's not really a good thing for anyone involved - and who even comes up with these studies).  Rush has attributed this shrinkage to the rise in feminism over the the last 50 years.  Hardee har har Rush.

How does Lindsay expect to be taken
seriously as a community leader with
that bobby pin in her hair?  Why is
it even there? It's not doing anything.
Pat Robertson:  Pat, who reportedly hangs with Mitt, counseled a man on the 700 Club who complained about his disrespectful and disobedient wife, "Well, you could become a Muslim and you could beat her."  Hello Pat...the microphone is on.  People can hear you.  He then went on to say "I don't think we condone wife-beating these days, but something has got to be done to make her."  I am concerned that Pat doesn't "think" we condone wife-beating.  He's not sure.  I think you know Pat Robertson is getting a whistle and a smack.  And a shove.

The upside here is that Jessica Simpson hasn't said anything ridiculous this last week or two, so maybe she could run for president or get a radio or TV show.  I was going to say that Lindsay Lohan had been recently cleaning up her act and might make a good future VP or something, but I think she hit some guy with her car a couple weeks ago, so I guess she's still out.

Monday, September 10, 2012

And Now How Will I Make A Lot Of Money?

As promised, we will move off of serious topics and on to fun stuff like the beach and books.  And whatever else I can think of.  You know, sometimes this stuff just jumps right onto the page before I even know what's happening.

A simple little shack like this
is all I am looking for.  I'm
not picky, I can rough it.
We were in Long Beach Island last week.  That looks so weird when I write it, because really, we were on Long Beach Island.  But, that's not what people say, so just go with it.  Anyway, so we are down the shore for our annual August vacation there.  We rent someplace different every year; ever in the quest for the perfect house and location.  This was a great location and a very good house.  I think we would stay there again.  Unless, something even better comes along.  The caveat to that is there is always something better if you have enough money.  And, what I really want is my own beach house, which brings us to my problem.

As I have said before, I need a way to make more money.  Or any.  As fate would have it, Smartass Blogger hasn't turned out to be super lucrative, which is a total bummer.  Back in the olden days, didn't courts have jesters?  Those guys lived pretty good.  Smartass is essentially the modern-day version of that without the harlequin-styled full-body stocking with pointy toes and bells.  One might say the sophisticated version.  Anyway, until I can make some progress on getting Smartass made into a national cabinet position (apparently the economy and health care are more pressing - whatever), I have to think of something else.

I am supposed to be
naked AND hurry up?
I don't think so.
When I was lying on bed thinking (no, not napping), my back started to hurt.  I then realized it had been hurting a lot lately anytime I laid on it for too long.  Crap!  I guess I can cross prostitute off my list as a way to make money.  I mean, I guess I still could be one, but I would have to be one of those creative, fancy prostitutes and that sounds like a lot more effort than I am interested in.

So, some other jobs I thought I could do that would make me a lot of money were professional baseball player (I can catch and throw and stand there as good as the next guy), sportscaster (I am sure my commentary would be far more interesting and germane), and Emmy or Oscar host (like I couldn't do a better job than some of those hacks).  Notice, I know my own limits and did not say Tony host.  Neil Patrick Harris is beyawesome (beyond awesome, make a note of word usage for the future), funny and can sing.  I definitely couldn't beat him out for the job.

You may be wondering why I don't just go out and get a regular job.  Well, that is because I don't want to.  More specifically, I don't want to work hard and save my money up over time.  I am looking for a short-term, high-return kind of job, hence the above list.  And because I am realistic in my goals, you'll notice I didn't just say I hoped I won the lottery.  I mean I do hope it, but I know that is not likely to happen.

See...I told you.
I will let you all know how Operation Beach House is panning out as developments occur.  In the meantime, I wanted to talk about books, as promised, because we are very brainy and read-y around here and we want other people to know how much we value personal growth and learning.  That said, my big read recently was the Shades of Grey trilogy.  If you like poorly written romance novels where the characters are clingy, possessive, indecisive and insecure, then these are the books for you.  I actually read them before the word was out exactly what they were about.  Obviously, the big draw was the steamy factor.  Really steamy.  Like porn. The person who passed the books on to me merely said "you'll see what the big deal is."  My first thought when I got to the porn part love scene was "Huh...didn't see that coming." followed by "That's kind of different...hadn't thought of that."  By about half-way through the second book I was more like "yeah, yeah, yeah, handcuffs...what else ya got?"

Wait!!  That's how I can make a lot of money!  I will re-write the Shades of Grey books, translating them from insipid and impossible to realistic and cutting edge.  Characters will say things like "You want to put that where?" and "I certainly hope you washed that."  The sex scenes can have a reader participation part, like Mad Libs.  Cha-ching is all I have to say about this idea.  Pure gold.  Beach house here I come.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Rape Or A Bad Haircut, Just Make The Best Of It

Excuse me, he said what?!?!
No really, you're kidding right?
As I have mentioned before, I try not to talk too much about politics here at DTC.  This is mostly because I find politicians and their nonsense so annoying that it makes my head hurt.  Plus, you know, we're all here to have fun and whatnot.  But, I just had to share my thoughts on the absolutely jaw-droppingly, paralyzingly stunning ridiculousness coming out of Todd Akins and Rick Santorum's mouths.  It defies comprehension that purportedly educated, intelligent, community-minded men could think this way.

Don't get me wrong, I am not in love with Mitt Romney's or Paul Ryan's thoughts on the subject either, but Akins and Santorum just totally pissed me off with their patronizing and dismissive nonsense.  Akins, speaking as if he is some kind of authority, said (with a condescending smirk, I might add) that if a woman is legitimately raped, then her body won't let her get pregnant.  So then, any woman who gets pregnant as a result of a rape is lying?  She wasn't really raped and is really just slutty and too lazy to use birth control?  And PS, stop using the term "legitimate rape."  There is no such thing as a non-legitimate/ fake rape.  You were either raped or you were not.

Right on the heels of this, I heard the report of Santorum saying that if a woman is raped she should just have the baby and make the best of it.  For real?  Santorum has just likened being raped and pregnant to getting a bad a haircut that you just have to wait out until it looks better?  That is the amount of caring and compassion that was in his statement.  Baffling.  

Now that Clint is 107, do
you think he knew there was
no one in that chair?
Honestly, don't the Republicans have one person they can use to speak for them that is any way moderate in their thinking or can focus on what the country's real issues are (and if you think women wanting access to abortions is our country's main problem you need to look around a little better)?  I know there are normal Republicans.  I even know some.  They seem like regular, normal people (who were clearly business or finance majors in college - or maybe accounting).  Of course, one might have expected Clint Eastwood to have been more normal when he spoke.  I think the Republicans are acting like they don't think that was weird.  But it was.  Unless he was asked to do an improv skit, then I guess it was okay.  But still.

So although lots of people have already weighed in on this, I just wanted you to all know the official DTC position.  We think Akins and Santorum make Sara Palin seem charming.  So, to that end, we are skipping right over the whistle and smack and going right for the stun gun and kick in the balls.  I don't care if you are a Republican or Democrat, we at DTC do not like when women are treated or spoken about in such a clearly uncaring and belittling way.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I can now focus on telling you about the beach and some books I think you would like.  You know, regular DTC stuff.  Stuff like how US magazine can think for one minute that I am going to believe that Jordin Sparks (despite losing 50 pounds) is a size 2.  She is 6 feet tall!!  Unless she is a human skeleton (which she's not - she looks awesome), she is not a size 2.  This crap is why teenage girls have eating disorders.  Anyhoo, I'll tell you about it next time.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Survivor: Who Made It Out Alive?

Heroine and underlings
I am Mulan, Party is Shang,
and you can pick which
of my kids is Mushu.
(Note the bowing)
In part 4 we learn the fate of our heroine and her underlings.

The boys left yesterday after lunch, but I waited until today to tell you about it so the suspense would build.  Who made it out alive?  Was anyone maimed?  Are The Party and DTC still speaking to each other?  Will 5 and 7 ever agree to come back to Chez Donkey?  I know you have been wondering these things.  Okay, you're right, I mostly didn't write yesterday to tell you what happened because I was too tired.

But today is a new day and I will fill you in on the final hours of our Survivor adventure.  To start with, Sunday was much easier for me.  It was much easier because I got to go to soccer with SB.  It was a little stinky to leave the house at 7:30am and drive and hour, but much more relaxing overall.  

I bet this is a little what
Party looked like at the movies.
The Party gave 5 and 7 breakfast and took them to see a movie (Ice Age).  This was the agreed upon movie, however when I texted  Party to see how things were going he said there was a lot of yammering all the way to the movies.  "I don't want to see Ice Age." "Why can't we see the other movie?" "Why can't we see 3-D?" [As an aside I want to say that I don't actually know if Party fed the boys breakfast, I didn't specifically ask.  I also don't know if he had them brush their teeth since he didn't have them do it at bedtime the night before because...wait for it...*I* didn't tell him to have them do it.  Am I even going to answer that?  Whistle.]

The movie challenge was won by the home team in that no one cried, threw up or wet themselves (Party included) and Party returned home with the correct number of children.  I didn't hear anything about actually being at the movie except that 7 had eaten an entire bag of gummy worms before he had even gotten to his seat from the concession stand.  I think that actually makes the first part of this paragraph all the more impressive.

Insomuch as the boys had fun and so did we AND no one had to be hospitalized or rescued by the fire department or police, I would say that my family won Survivor: Suburbia.  I am sure we will be getting our million dollar check in the mail any day now.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Survivor: WTF Is Wrong With You?

Installment 3 finds me hiding, yes hiding, in the computer room.  The Party called me out of the room to complain, but had to back off because the whole thing is his fault.  The upside for me is that I get to update you on what's going on.  Oh yeah, and I will explain why it's Party's fault.

Okay, so we are in hour 32.  We are essentially on the back 9.  The Party seems bent on making these last hours as long and loud as possible.  And not in a good way.  His plan for the last couple of hours has been to rile and sugar up 5 and 7 as much as possible so they will have a big crash and go to sleep.  They have now turned to screaming "funny" stories that end with someone getting hit or knocked on their "buttocks."  As I am sure you know, that word is funnier the more and louder you say it.

The "plan" started several hours ago.  While we were eating dinner.  The Party made me a drink, but it didn't work.  I made a second one while he wasn't looking and I'm drinking it right now.  The Party is showering the boys upstairs and I still hear screaming.  How long will the screaming and hysterical, maniacal laughter go on before Party realizes his plan isn't working?

Just so you know, we have the boys sleeping on a queen-size air mattress in our room so they can watch TV before falling asleep.  (My kids are loudly complaining that it's unfair that they are not allowed to do that.  Whatever, shut up.)  This evening will end by Party putting the kids on said mattress and turning on the TV.  He will then fall asleep in our bed while Thing 1 and Thing 2 come downstairs to see what the rest of us are doing and to continue playing Bey Blades and Legos.  (Side note: Jenni and Adam, we bought 7 some more Bey Blades and 5 a big Lego set for their birthdays.  You're welcome)

The screaming has stopped and it's totally quiet now.  Not sure if that is a good sign or a bad one.  I'll let you know.  If you don't hear back from me in 24 hours, send help.

This is what it will look like once
The Party falls asleep.

Survivor: Installment 2

I should totally get a shirt made
of this logo with the date on it.
I could start a shirt collection
for every time we have the boys.
Oooh wait - maybe car magnets!
It's almost a little like "24" mixed with Survivor.  Each episode is a whole day but takes place over the span of the hour installment.  And by "almost" I mean the opposite of.  Each hour takes a whole day.  Or maybe it just feels like it.

It is currently Hour 21.5, not that I'm counting.  The boys and I have been up since 9am.  5 started off being unhappy with me because I wouldn't play Crazy Bones with him at first awakening.  I said I wasn't ready to play yet.  He kept holding up the bag and looking up to me with his big blue eyes, trying to hold back the tears.  Sigh.  No.  Still can't play.  7 spent about 45 minutes wrapping different parts of his stuffed bear with an Ace bandage, announcing which parts were broken and needing fixing.  Very excellent imagination and playing his own.  He did say he was being loud on purpose in hopes of waking up Boy so they could play with him.  I told 7 "Good luck with that."

After announcing that he, 7, certainly did not ever need a lid on his cup, even in the family room, he put his elbow into his full cereal and milk bowl and tipped it over.  Despite having seen him do it, he smiled and blamed it on 5.  Or maybe it was Billy Bob.  Yes, he thinks Billy Bob did it (Billy Bob does not exist if you aren't getting that).  No big deal, accidents happen. I did tell 7 though that when you cause an accident that makes a mess that someone else has to clean, it's nice to say "sorry" and then offer to help clean it up.  He agreed that was the way to go.  He said sorry, removed his wet pajama pants (underwear stayed dry somehow) and moved himself and remaining cereal to a dry spot.

The reason I am able to come tell you about our day so far is that I went and woke Boy up myself at 11:15am.  And, just to remind you, Party and SB are at soccer.  (SB's team won against the 5th ranked team in PA - go SB and team!)  I have to now go get dressed before anyone notices that they haven't spoken to me in more than 4 minutes and comes searching.

I will be back later to let you know how Team Donkey fared in the afternoon challenges.  Remember, there will be a pool involved and one boy who doesn't know how to swim yet.  Oops!  Too late - 7 just found me telling me he doesn't know where Boy went.  Really?  He's downstairs with you, go find him.

Thank God these are actually very sweet and well-behaved children!  I really don't know what people do who have kids who are obnoxious and crazy.  I haven't had to yell at anyone yet, which is more than I can usually say for my own children.

Addendum:  5 just brought his and 7's cup up from the family room without being asked and took them to the sink.  Okay, maybe I will play Crazy Bones.
The real ones look way more
blobby and faceless and are
probably made of plastic mistakes
from other kinds of toys.

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