Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Don't Judge A Book By Her (Leathered) Cover

Okay, just so we start off on the right foot, I am not talking about myself.  We'll get to who I'm talking about in a minute.  First let me just say "Hey Y'all!  How have you been?"  If I wanted to go all southern on you I would have said "How have all ya'll been?"  But, I think one y'all is plenty.  So, moving on.

I was busy reading
that's why I haven't
been writing.  You
don't know, it could
be true.
It was brought to my attention this past weekend, that there has only been one post in May.  As it is currently May 30th, that probably doesn't make me look all that industrious.  While I was pondering my friend's comment, one of DTC's Facebook frequent commenters pointed out that she has been needing a post.  She was very nice about it, but I could hear the implied "What's with the lazy?"  Sigh.  So much for flying under the radar.

There just hasn't seemed to be much to write about lately that everyone else isn't already writing about.  I guess I have just been having writer's block.  I could have written about SB's myriad softball games where her team has lost a lot to a little, but that did not seem all that amusing.  Well, it's a little amusing to watch her practice swings when she's up at bat because she has a whole Hunter Pence thing going with the crazy swing.

So, to get back in the swing (get it, swing!? bahahaha) of things before it's time again to hear about me getting my children ready for their respective summer activities, I thought I would share with you some of the news I've found troubling.  As we have discussed before, there is something wrong with people (but not us).  It truly never ceases to amaze me.  Worse, a lot of these people are famous and/or make a lot of money despite this.

This is the color I go for when
I am roasting marshmallows.
For those of you who may not have caught the "news" story a couple weeks ago, a woman was arrested for having her 5-year-old spend time in a tanning bed.  This was discovered when the little girl had reported to school with a very bad sunburn.  Let me tell you, even if she did put the girl in a tanning bed (says she didn't) and even if she is tanorexic, that does not even come close to being the problem here.  Please go see the impromptu video interview of her.  It's 5 minutes long, but about 2 minutes will do you.  I can't believe Child Services hasn't stepped in even before the sunburn incident.  I can't decide if she's drunk, high, bat crap crazy, or a combination.

Please explain to me what knucklehead arrested this child in the first place, let alone jailed her for missing too much school?  A high school junior in Texas was held in contempt of court and jailed for having 10 unexcused absences from school.  Not her parents, nor any adult responsible for her.  Oh yeah, this child takes AP and college level courses.  She also works full and part-time jobs to help support herself and two siblings.  How is it that when school reported these absences there was no one who met with this girl or any adult first, before arresting her?  We have all sorts of actual criminals who belong in jail but aren't.  This poor girls was.  Giant whistle and smack for her school and local police and court system.  Lovely hug and air kisses to the people in 49 states and 18 countries who have donated over $100k to help her.

He's only been with all those
other women because he
doesn't know we are a couple.
There are some stories I am going to save you from reading.  If you see the headlines, just imagine me making a buzzer sound and move on.  They seem like maybe they could possibly be interesting, but they are totally not.  There is no story.  You can use the time I am saving you on something important like eating or napping.
Jessica Simpson's People magazine cover with her baby may have been Photshopped.
A North Dakota woman married herself in a ceremony attended by friends and family.
In Details magazine Adam Levine shares that he's been promiscuous because he loves women so much.

In case any of you were wondering how you could get painfully thin, you can go check out some of Kelly Ripa's favorite snack foods.  What they don't tell you is that she probably only eats one serving of each (there's 5 of them) every month and no actual meals.  But, what's really annoying, is that one of her favs includes lavender honey she makes herself.  Really Kelly?  In between your 10 jobs, husband and 3 kids you have time to make lavender honey?  If that is true, you really should just keep that to yourself.  Do you want everyone to hate you?  Whistle.

Lastly for today, I have a small dilemma.  I am not sure if I am insulted or not.  An old friend/boyfriend from high school told me that he recalled spending time on the phone with me just listening to me talk.  As the information was shared via e-mail I don't know if he meant that I rambled on or (and I think this is what he meant) that he so enjoyed the sound of my voice he liked to just listen to it endlessly.  The Party thinks this is hysterical (he still walking around chuckling) and refuses to admit it could be the latter.  Not even speaking to The Party.  I'll let you know if I end up being angry at ambiguous statement maker.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Some People Need Their Asses Kicked

Obviously, it kind of goes without saying that the title is like an ultimate Universal Truth.  My problem (current problem) is that sometimes people seem to go above and beyond the expected level of annoying and stupid.  How are the rest of us expected to remain calm and zen-like?

As you know, the prevalence of Not News is a personal annoyance, but things have gotten much worse lately.  Add that to my family's own inability to cooperate, and what you have is my long list of people/things that are in desperate need of a whistle, smack and kick in the ass.  I would say they needed to be stun gunned, but as you know, The Party is still blocking me from obtaining one of those.  But, he can't stop be from using my feet, now can he?  So ha to you Party.

It's tough to look
good when you're
young and rich.
Currently topping my list of people I'd like to cast an incredulous look at and flick in the forehead is the person who created the article in the May 7th People magazine entitled "Not a Drop of Makeup."  Among the stars of varying ages was Paris Jackson.  Yes, Michael Jackson's 14-year-old-daughter.  Um, first of all - not a star.  Secondly, she's 14!!!  Are we supposed to be impressed that she's beautiful without makeup!  WTF?  Let me see her when she's 54.  Why is she in this photo spread?  Even worse though - she's wearing makeup in the picture!!  I guess not foundation or blush, but she has on mascara and eyeliner and some lip gloss.  Hello!  That counts as makeup.

In the same magazine there was an ad for the TV show Dallas, which is apparently coming back on the air.  Please note in the picture I have posted that Linda Gray looks pretty good.  She may have had work done, or been Photoshopped, but I think she looks alright/normal.  Now let's turn our attention to Larry Hagman.  I believe Larry is 109, so it's almost certain he's been Photoshopped or embalmed or something because he looks relatively well.  What's alarming in nature here are Larry's eyebrows.  Yes, go take a closer look.  You are telling me that whoever was in charge of this photo shoot or ad thought curling and gelling those bad boys was the way to go over trimming them?  I mean, Good Lord!  You could braid those babies!  And, if for whatever reason they couldn't get Larry to agree to be de-caterpillared, that is what Photoshop is for!

Do you see!?!?
Oh wait!!  Know what else they should have used Photoshop for?  How about Linda Gray's scary, deformed, monster hand?  When I noticed that, it took my mind right off Larry's eyebrows.  That thing looks almost like a monster foot.  When Dallas went off the air originally, was there some sort of accident Sue Ellen had that I don't recall?  I am so freaked out and don't know how someone is not losing their job over this picture.

Let's see, what else is pressing?  We have an outcry about too much side boob among the celeb set.  I know, I was just thinking about that too.  I mean after I clicked on the article to see what the heck they were talking about.  Seems there are those who think maybe Mischa Barton had too much side boob showing in the dress pictured.  Why is that the issue?  Isn't the issue that someone took a regular dress and cut it up and tied it in weird places?  After discussing Mischa there were then pictures of other celebs who were side boobing it.  I have including the one whose dress I felt had something of a design flaw.

Jeepers H. Christmas!  Anne
Hathaway has to be getting
one hell of a breeze through
there.  Mischa's dress looks
Amish in comparison.
And, because I always usually occasionally like to include matters of a serious and important nature, I will tell you about the serious/smart people whose asses need to be kicked.  Long story short.  British Museum in London and the First Colony Foundation are wetting their pants over the discovery of a map that is 425 years old because it might have clues that tell them where a gang of settlers went who disappeared from North Carolina's Roanoke Island in the late 16th century.  Seems people in every generation for the last 400 years have trying to figure out where these people went.  Now, they have figured out another piece of the puzzle through the finding of this map.  Sigh.  Hello!  Those people are dead, you probably don't need to keep looking for them.  We are not talking about finding the missing Mayan culture here.  And PS, they still haven't found these settler and it's been over 400 years.  Let me just put it out there that if I ever go missing please don't ask either of these groups to try to help find me.  I don't know who's more wacky, historians or scientists (yes I am talking to you Traci, Ms. Argon is an inert gas isn't that so funny).

In closing, I will offer my family some helpful hints to avoid having me open my can of whoop ass in their direction.  Do not ask me/say to me the following things:

1.  I didn't know I was supposed to bring the empty trashcans in.
2.  Do you know where my "pick anything" is?
3.  I didn't hear my phone/ my phone was off/ it was out of battery.
4.  Should I bring up a new milk?  (while holding empty container)
5.  Sorry I forgot  *with an attitude*.  (to bring my lunch/uniform/permission slip for the four millionth time)

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