Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Do You Need A Walk Around Beer?

Or a walk around cocktail?  Or a walk around glass of wine, shot, shooter or frozen drink?  I am sure you are thinking "Well, DTC, I don't exactly know what you're talking about, but that sounds like something I would like."  Trust me, it definitely is something you would like.  And, because we are such good friends, I will explain.

Picture I took of two
crawfish wrestling.  The one
on the right is winning.
Last weekend The Party and I went to New Orleans with two of our closest friends and favorite people, LG and The Boss.  No, not Lady Gaga and Bruce Springstein (but wouldn't that be funny).  As it turns out though, LG really likes Lady Gaga.  This was unexpected information as you would never peg LG as a "Little Monster."  LG says that all of Lady Gaga's songs have the words glitter and dirt in them and she likes that.  I suggested that would make for a good book title; "Glitter and Dirt, The LG Story."  She said we'd have to think on that.

Anyhoo, LG is married to The Boss (no, I already told you, not Bruce Springstein, pay attention).  The Boss does have several nicknames that people actually call him, but LG said she thought we should call him this for blogging purposes; she thought he would like it.  Done.  The Boss (TB) it is.

So, back to the trip.  If you haven't been to New Orleans, you should put it on your list.  We had a very fun time.  Below are the reasons I think anyone (well, anyone who likes fun) would want to go, as well as some interesting information and helpful tips.

1.  You can have a walk around beer (or other alcoholic beverage).  As you stroll through the streets of the French Quarter, there are any number of street-side bars where you can just buy a drink without having to go inside.  You barely have to break pace if you have your money ready to go.  Who cares if it's 11am and you're not really in the mood for a drink?  How can you not when you are allowed to drink it right there on the street.

2.  I assume people besides just me see it as a plus that there appear to be way less fake boobs in New Orleans than there were in Las Vegas.

See.  No one looks
angry or wet.
3.  On Bourbon Street, people do throw beads down from the balconies onto the streets.  You don't even have to show them your boobs.  Most of the time.  What was actually a refreshing show of friendly behavior was that although the vast majority of people on Bourbon Street are on the drunk side, no one on the balconies threw anything but beads.  There was not a single drink dumped onto anyone on the street.  Really, think about it.  Kind of impressive.

4.  The Mississippi River, which butts up against the city, is not what flooded the city.  Lake Pontchartrain, on the other side of the city, is what broke through the levees and flood walls.  Also, Lake Pontchartrain isn't really a lake.  The Boss said it was an estuary.  I looked it up and he's right!  The Party just informed me it was he who said it, but I don't really think so.  And, let's just remember, The Party did have a walk around beer or two during our stay.

5.  The houses that Brad Pitt helped build after the flood have solar panels, are raised in case of future floods, are eco-friendly and are extremely energy efficient.  That said, they are a little ugly, on the modern side, and don't match any of the existing architecture.  Just saying.

6. City Park is the most awesome city park/recreation area I have ever seen.  You should look it up and read all about it.  Extremely cool.

7. New Orleans reminded me a little bit of Vulgaria, the imaginary town in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang where the giant elf-looking guy captures all the children and puts them in some underground cave because the Baron of Vulgaria hates children.  Aside from an occasional toddler being strolled about, there were no kids anywhere.  It was dreamy.

Probably should have
waited in line.  It looks
really good.
8.  You are supposed to wait in line Cafe Du Monde and have beignets (ben-yays).  They are essentially warm, powder sugar covered donut/funnel cakes.  The line was entirely too long and I am hardly a person who needs more donuts or funnel cakes in her diet.  

9.  Pick the right people to travel with.  I am not kidding you.  If you have friends you find a little annoying in real life, you are going to find them a lot annoying on vacation.  We are very lucky because Party and I love LG and The Boss.  We love them in real life and on vacation.  We have traveled as couples and with families.  Perfect fit.  Also, it doesn't hurt if you have a person (TB) who is all about the reconnoiter (it's a word, look it up).  TB was up before everyone and would go out in the morning to figure out what was where.  You also need a Party.  Party and his iPhone were right there any time we were wondering about something.  Most times I didn't really need to know, but as you recall, you cannot pose a question to The Party and think he's not going to need to know the answer.

10.  You cannot get a bad meal if you try.

11.  Lastly, in New Orleans, you can just decide to have a parade.  You can even be a one person/ one car/ one float parade.  No one cares.  If you act like you are leading a parade (even one that exists only in your head), people will step aside or stand on the curb and watch and cheer.  I soooooo want to decorate my car and play music and just drive around my neighborhood conducting my own parade.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Yeah? You And What Army?

I have a way with people.
For those of  you who don't know me, I am not sure if you will be surprised to know that I do not like to be bossed around.  I know.  No one likes to get bossed around.  But, some people are not so sensitive about it.  Some people just kind of go with the flow if what they are being asked or told to do is not all that troubling to them.  Not me.  It's all about the principle of the matter.  I am not just going to do something because someone says to.  Especially if they are all snooty and know-it-all about it.  And no, I don't think this makes me childish or immature (and you're a big stupid head if you think it does).

Oddly, I was actually always a very good employee.  You wouldn't think I would have been given that just the nature of working for someone else means you have to do what someone else says.  No really,  I was pretty successful at all my jobs, even as a teenager.  I even had work friends and people liked me.  I guess that's one of those mysteries of life kind of things.  A conundrum if you will.

But back to me (oh wait, we hadn't left), my lack of wanting to be told what to do has, on occasion, caused the tiniest bit of tension between The Party and me.  This is in part because I sometimes don't like his tone.  And because I refuse to agree with him (just on principle) if I don't like his tone or attitude. So, before I go any further, I think we can agree that part of the problem here is Party, not just my aversion to being bossed.

I will give you an instance of where perhaps if The Party had been a little less bossy things would have gone more smoothly.  Just to let you know, this happened almost 20 years ago, but I bring it up because it's a perfect example.  Also want to let you know that Party is still a good chunk of bitter over it and is still waiting for me to apologize.  "Not gonna happen my friend" (50 points for whoever knows what show that is quoted from).

This "supposedly" isn't
supposed to be used on cars.
So, the Reader's Digest version is that after an ice storm which closed the city as well as the highways for 2 days, we finally can get out and go clean the ice off our cars.  (Please note that I was newly married, but my car at the time was purchased solely by me prior to getting married).  There is better than an inch of solid ice all over the cars.  We have our defrosters on and we are scraping the ice off the hood and side windows.  Realizing that I would still be there to this day if I had continued that way, I went and got the metal hoe we used to chop ice on the walkway.

The Party sees me approaching my car with said hoe and in a mean, know-it-all, nasty voice tells me I cannot chop the ice on my car with it because it will scratch my car.  I tell him it won't.  He insists it will and tells me again not to do it in a bossy, mean way.  Cursing and name-calling ensue (mostly on my part).  I chop the ice off my car and go to work.

A day or so later when all the ice has completely melted, we see that across the hood of my car are about 15 or so 6-inch hoe dents/scratches.  The Party is furious and insists that just shows that I should be the one to apologize because I didn't listen and now the hood is a disaster.  Uh, wrong.  The issue here is that The Party was bossy and nasty to me and had no right to tell me what to do, especially in that tone.  You all see that, right?  If you are interested, we are still at something of an impasse regarding this matter.  Feel free to comment below to let Party know that you agree with me.  Ignore whatever comment my mother writes that will surely be in support of Party.  She is known to play favorites and is biased against me.

Oh look - they wrote a book
about The Party.
Many of my friends already know this story, but I don't think anyone truly understands that the hood of the car being scratched is not my fault, it's Party's.  He was bossy and rude, thus setting the entire fight and car scratching into motion.  I don't like being bossed around and had no choice but to ignore what he was saying. I cannot be expected to cave in and do things someone else's way just because they say so.  The fact that he ended up being correct, that the hoe would scratch the car, is not germane.  No, it's not.

I suppose some of you are wondering, how after such an incident (and subsequent similar incidents), we are still married.  Please refer to "Get to Know DTC" - I AM A RAY OF SUNSHINE!!!  Sun-shine!!

I think the way for me to avoid being bossed around in the future would be if I could get made queen of somewhere.  I think my next post will address why I don't understand England's steadfast commitment to maintaining a royal family.  That said, if they are going to insist on having one, there has to be some way I can get in on it.  I can curtsy and wear an ugly hat just as well as any one of them.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Gonna Need A Bucket. And A Bieber Smackdown.

I don't care how mean I am.
The two of them are giving
 me a cavity.
I am totally going to hurl over this Justin Bieber article.  In it, Justin discusses love, marriage and kids (really, and he knows about this stuff because of his vast experience)?  You will all be relieved to know that although Justin is only 17 and shared a room with 19-year-old Selena Gomez while in South America, he does love her.  He wouldn't be with someone he wasn't in love with.  I know.  Phew!  That totally makes it okay.

So that was the "better get a bucket" part.  The smackdown part is where Justin says he doesn't know for sure when he'll get married, but he doesn't want it to be when he's old (please note "old" is the key word here).  He wants to get married sooner rather than later because he wants to be a young dad.  And by that he means that as long as he has his first kid by 25 he feels he'll still have enough time to work on his career.  Translating for you, Justin is saying that over 25 is old.  I think we know who is getting a whistle AND a smack.

This is what happens when
babies have stressful
gestational relationships.  They
get a bad case of ugly.
I am not sure who needs the smackdown on this next one.  Traci Nobles, Anthony Weiner's sext partner, or whoever made the decision to have her write a book about it.  A book.  A whole book.  Not a magazine article, which is plenty, but a book.  What is there to possibly say that would require a whole book?  And why are we giving attention to and rewarding someone who was carrying on an online relationship with a married person?  Is there something about this that makes her special or interesting?  I am completely baffled by this.

Also, does anyone know if Weiner and his wife ultimately split over this?  I haven't heard too much about it.  I know his wife was pregnant, so there has to be a baby floating around here somewhere.  If I was betting, I bet the baby already has a ghost writer helping it write a whole book about its gestational relationship with Weiner and how the stress of the scandal has been overwhelming.

Do you think the
"doctor" was
wearing a shirt with
this on it?
Here's another one where you're not going to be sure who most needs the whistle and the smack.  An 81-year-old man was arrested for giving fake breast exams.  More specifically, he tricked two, TWO women into believing he was a door-to-door physician giving free breast exams.  But wait, there's more.  Five years ago he was arrested for the same thing!  Two different women, in their 30s (not elderly or senile) believed his door-to-door doctor giving free breast exams story.  It was only when he began fondling lower regions that one woman said she began to "suspect" he wasn't a real doctor.  Ya think?  She called the sheriff's office but he had already left the apartment by the time help arrived.  No worries, they found the "doctor."  He was in another woman's apartment doing the same thing.

This all happened in Florida.  I do not want to pick on of Florida (again) but, hello?  Do you people down there not learn, in like kindergarten, not to open your door to strangers?  Or let them in?  Or take your clothes off for them?  Extremely disturbing.

Completely unrelated, and something that will not make you want to smack or whistle at anyone...Freschetta Brick Oven Pizza - yum!  It's a square, thin-crust pizza and it is dee-licious!  Both the plain and the pepperoni.  I usually find frozen pizza to be acceptable at best, but I could not have been happier with this.

And what better way to end any post than with thoughts of pizza?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Life Is Not A Cabaret, Life Is A Freak Show

Unless Cabaret is French for freak show, then I guess life is a cabaret.  But whatever.  People are just freaky beyond measure and they don't even have the good sense to keep it to themselves.

Five bucks says this ends
up being the name of
their reality show.
I am going to share the most cringe-worthy freakishness with you first.  I'm back on that 17-year-old, who at 16 married the 54-year-old actor.  It was bad enough that they were signed to do a reality show, but now she is Tweeting all sorts of yuckiness.  She is using all the creative writing skills she was able to pick up before she ditched school for marriage to let us know her every thought and movement.  I think we are supposed to be turned on or think she is super hot and deep all at the same time.  I am not exactly sure.  You can go read them if you want to kick-start your bulimia.  

If you are wondering why she is keeping us so closely's because she has 38,000 followers.  Really!?!?  Really!?!?  I am just not understanding.  Nor am I understanding why/how she keeps being in the news?  Her pervy husband is the actor.  She's done nothing but become a future divorcee and Dr. Phil project.  Whistle.

Next up at the freak fest are the U.S. and Russian "scientists" (I'll take the quotes away when I get proof) that are "95 percent" sure they have located the "elusive" Bigfoot - aka the Siberian Yeti.  That is correct.  As we speak, people are spending money to fund expeditions to Siberia to gather the remaining proof they need to show the world there is a Bigfoot.  Tell me again why we care one way or the other.  Does this yeti have the cure for cancer?  Is that why we are spending money to find him instead of funding cancer research?

He wants to know
why can't we all just
get along?
As an aside here, there is only mention of one yeti.  There can't only be one.  If there are any, there have to be more than one.  I assume these "scientists" get that.  The legends about Bigfoot date back to before the 19th century and this creature has been spotted in a bunch of different countries.  Is the firm scientific position that this is like a Highlander and "there can be only one?"  Are we dealing with an immortal snow creature who travels the globe?

Moving on.  This is such a good one, I can't wait to tell you about it!  Amish gangs!  I know, right?!  Awesome.  Ohio police have finally caught 4 suspects in what has been a rash of beard cutting attacks.  The Bergholz clan have been attacking Amish men from outside of their group and cutting their beards off.  Amish do not shave for religious reasons, so clearly this is very upsetting to the victims.  That said, I am embarrassed to report that it did make me laugh.  Kind of a lot.  I think it's because it's like a tame version of The Godfather.

You can tell this is one of
the suspects because he
still has his beard.
The head Bergholz guy, Sam Mullet (Mullet - involved in haircut crimes - bahahahaha) has denied involvement, but has said that it's a religious matter so he doesn't see why the police are involved.  Further, he said all this started when he had to start ex-communicating people for not obeying religious laws.  

In an interesting twist to all this (maybe just interesting to me), Weird Al Yankovic parodied the song Gangsters' Paradise; it was called Amish Paradise.  Coolio, who sung Gangsters' Paradise, was all bitter and pissed off because he said it was too serious and important of a song to joke about.  No joke now, huh Coolio?  How ironic that Ohio's Amish country has become a gangster's paradise.  It like life imitating art.  Pretty freaky, huh?

And, for your listening enjoyment....

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wrongness Has So Many Levels

It would be great if she
was forced to wear this.  That
way other parents would
know to keep their kids
away from her.
A 40-year-old mother (age given to show the mother was an "adult" when she had this child) from Colorado was arrested for providing marijuana and alcohol to her middle school-aged daughter and her friends.  On an ongoing basis.  Okay, that's bad enough, but it gets worse.  She allowed her daughter to video tape her giving them the stuff and while they were smoking the marijuana.  On an ongoing basis.  Mom, during one of the sessions, says daughter really should stop recording because Mom could get in big trouble if anyone found out.  I am getting a sense that mom is not the person in charge around here.

This mother complains to her daughter that she is risking getting in trouble so the girl and her friends can have fun.  I would classify this entire situation as a big fat giant Parent Fail.  Honestly, what's the thinking here?  "Gee, I wish my daughter thought I was fun and cool."  No thank you.  That's not your job.

Awhile back I mentioned (with some disdain) that the buyer from Barneys New York said that the handbag to have this season was The Row's $39,000 backpack.  The Row is the upscale clothing/accessory line from Ashley and Mary Kate.  I would definitely say that a 39k backpack is more upscale than their original clothing line at Walmart.  Well, joke is on us.  They have sold out of the (I think fake leather) bag.  Sold out.  Having a hard time keeping up with demand.  The only thing they neglected to mention was how many they actually make at a time.  If you are only making like 3 or 4 at a time, "sold out" has a little less meaning.  

I wonder if the
other Olsen twin
is in there.
I think if I owned a bag like this I would not feel special.  I would feel sad.  I would feel sad because if I put everything else I owned in the bag, it wouldn't add up to the cost of the bag.  My car and the bag are roughly the same price (with the bag edging out the car) and my car holds way more stuff and has a radio.  Just saying.

Moving on to political wrongness.  Talk about stretching.  Rick Perry is being accused of being "insensitive to black people" because the hunting cabin his family leased had the word "Niggerhead" on a rock at the cabin's entrance.  Hearing this, the first response is to be outraged and disgusted.  Then, when you read on, you find out that when the family began leasing the property in 1983 or 1984 Perry's father painted over it.  Bottom line, the Perry family didn't write it and they got rid of it when they saw it.  There is some discussion to the effect that someone saw the word still there recently.  Really?  Who saw it?

Giving the article even less credence is Herman Cain's comments (Cain is also a Republican hopeful).  He is quoted as saying that the "n" word is really one of the most vile and leaving the word up for as long as they did was "just plain insensitive to a lot of black people in this country."  Um Herman...wouldn't all black people find it insensitive, not just "a lot" of them?

And just as an aside, why would someone put a rock with the offensive "n" word at the cabin's entrance?  If you are white and don't like black people, you wouldn't want it at your entrance.  If you were black you certainly wouldn't want it there.  Further, if black people lived there and a white person vandalized the rock and wrote that, who would leave it like that?  The whole thing is ridiculous and dates back over 25 years.  It doesn't really tell us anything about Rick Perry.  Or Herman Cain.  So, what we have is more useless information about politicians.  Excellent.  I am sure the Democrats appreciate all the Republican help.

I bet in their next picture
together, one of them
won't be smiling.
Just in time for the holidays, Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis has come out with the book Whateverland: Learning to Live Here.  In it Alexis ruins any chance she had of inheriting any Martha Stewart money or hand-stitched sampler pillows by letting us all know that Martha peed with the door open (even with company), made Alexis wrap her own presents, and that there was never anything to eat at her house.  Further, she recalls her mother telling her (and I am paraphrasing a little) to marry someone ugly and wealthy, but have babies with someone hot and young.  I am a little worried that the next we read about these two will be the news story reporting that Alexis' body has been found glue gunned to freshly ironed sheets with soothing potpourri petals all around her keeping the room smelling fresh until police could arrive.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Safety First

You never hear about crops of
cheesecake getting recalled,
do you now?  No, you don't.
I was at breakfast this morning with two of my friends and I found out that we should not be eating cantaloupe.  Don't worry, I did not find this out because I tried to order some.  I ordered loaded hash browns with my eggs.  One of my friends ordered a side of fruit and asked about the cantaloupe.  This whole cantaloupe problem was complete news to me.  Not sure how I missed it.

Anyway, because we are all about safety first up in here, here's your PSA for the day:
Don't eat cantaloupe from Colorado.  And since you probably can't tell where it's from, hold up on the cantaloupe until this is all sorted out.

Apparently, something like 15 people have died as a result of contracting listeria from the tainted fruit.  I'm going to be honest here; I'm not really sure what exactly listeria is, but I know you don't want it.  I mean, I have enough of an idea that I didn't feel compelled to look it up to get extra information (don't worry, The Party will be by soon to tell us because he won't be able to stand that I didn't look it up).

I hope my sharing this information doesn't set off one of those Oprah things where the whole cantaloupe industry sues me for affecting sales.  Yes, I know I don't have quite the following or pull that Oprah does, but it could happen.  You don't know.

In other news, the Phillies are in the playoffs.  Right now they are playing the Cardinals.  The Yankees are playing someone too I think.  I really don't know/care.  You know why?  Because even if I was a total baseball fanatic, this isn't even real playoffs.  I mean it is, but it's like the playoffs to be in the playoffs for World Series.  Then it will be the World Series.  I believe baseball will end in December some time, so there's plenty-o-baseball left if you're interested.  If you're not,  you're SOL.  Football has started, so I guess you can distract yourself with that.  Or read a book or something.

I am very excited to report that Arrested Development will have new episodes coming out, followed by a movie.  For those of you who have never watched, I can't stress to you more strongly the need for you to go rent or buy the original three seasons and catch up.  The Party and I didn't start watching it until it was in reruns and couldn't have been sadder it was cancelled.   Really, go watch it.  

Can he even see
through those?
After 33 years, Andy Rooney is retiring from 60 Minutes at 92 years old.  I always liked him and thought he was clever/humorous, if sometimes overly cantankerous.  What I do not like are his eyebrows.  I fail to understand how television producers let that go.  No woman on TV would dare try such a stunt.  I am sure Andy Rooney told anyone who suggested fixing them,  "too bad, I like them this way."  I can't imagine any  female journalist even considering this.  No one would take her seriously.  We could probably discuss these types of male/female disparities all day, but instead, let's just be glad most people don't want their eyebrows to look like that.  It's distracting and a little bit scary and discomforting.

Nothing else too exciting this weekend.  So in summary:
1.  Don't eat cantaloupe, but don't say I said that.
2.  2011 baseball season has another 11 months to go.
3.  Find a way other than unfortunate eyebrows to make a statement (unless the statement you are making is that you are off your meds).

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