Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What the Hey!? I'm Just Tryna Get a Soda! or #TheStruggleIsReal

That is just the
There is this new-fangled thing that I don't know if you guys have seen.  My cousin referred to as a "freestyle" soda machine.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  The giant monstrosity of a soda machine that has a whole potpourri of choices and buttons and if you push the wrong thing you can accidentally go back in time (No, not a TARDIS, dorks.  Pay attention, I didn't say it looked like a phone booth).

It is a never ending labyrinth of buttons.  You want a Coke?  Great!  Do you want ice?  Do you want it to be Diet Coke?  Do you want caffeine?  Do you want flavor in your Coke?  What flavor?  A lot or a little?  Would you like to know the top 5 flavor choices people have made in the last 11 days?  What size cup are you using?  Is the cup placed in the correct filling location?  Did you call your mother this week?  Did you eat a piece of fruit today?  It's never ending!!!

SEE!!  And that's not even the end!!  You still have
to input your blood type and when you had your last mammogram.
Please note, the needed NFM button is nowhere.
This is entirely too much pressure and stress and work for a soda.  What they need is a
Never Fucking Mind button so you can leave and just go get a bottle of water.  Honestly, the machine "boasts" 100 drink choices.  You know what, stop boasting.  Did you ever hear of a little thing called Less is More?  And does anyone ever clean that thing out? By the end of the day any soda you choose has to taste like one big disgusting blend of all the flavors (like when you try to make tea after coffee in the Keurig).

I am well aware that there may possibly be some more pressing world issues, but those are mostly out of my control (Trump's hair and fake tan for one).  I feel that if we all band together, we can, FOR FREE, hassle the soda industry via the internet and get back real soda machines.  What's the down side here?  A free form of entertainment AND social change for us - perfect!

Quality of life issues should not be dismissed.  If we can fix this problem, there's no stopping
This could be any teenage bagger.
She thinks you just have to
wave the bags and food will
jump in on its own?
us.  We can probably find a way to get supermarkets to teach their teenage staff to load grocery bags in a way that doesn't make you want to punch them as you leave the store.  But let's not get carried away just yet.

So, let me know how your local campaigns go to rid the world of the scourge that is freestyle soda machines.

The End.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Am I The Only One Who Gets the Concept of Laying Low?

Alternative Title - What the Fuck People?  What? The Fuck?

Reason why some people
have no friends.
Remember back in middle school or high school when you would forget your homework/didn't do your homework (if this never happened to you, just keep it to yourself unless you want no friends)?  Did you raise your hand in class ask your teacher if she was going to collect homework?  No, you did not.  You sat quietly trying not to draw any attention to yourself and hoped the teacher would forget the assignment was due.  

Clearly, being homeschooled, Josh Dugger never learned this lesson.  It's a lesson that translates into laying low.  This means that when you are doing something you shouldn't be, you don't draw any attention whatsoever to yourself.  Honestly, if you are molesting your sisters, looking at on-line porn and cheating/ trying to cheat on your wife then you don't take a job as spokesman where you hassle and malign gay people and try to make their lives difficult.  This is likely to draw attention your way and make some people not like you.  These people are going to be looking for ways to show the world you suck.

Like many other preachers and politicians, Josh Duggar wants to tell you how to live a moral life.  And he wants to make sure that gay people suffer (by way of lack of rights) for what he believes to be their immoral behavior.  But, funny enough, his moral standards are for you, not for him.  Even funnier - joke's on him - he isn't smart enough to keep that fact quiet.

While no one likes a liar and sneak, I don't think anyone likes a narcissistic, self-absorbed,
There is just no way to
explain your way out of
getting caught on this site.
cheater either.  Yeah, I'm talking to the other Ashley Madison users now.  I just can't wrap my mind around these people.  Do they think they are super-cool badasses?  I mean who signs up on a site whose logo makes it completely clear that it's for married people who want to have affairs?  

Don't get me wrong, the people who hacked the site and tried to extort the company should go to jail or be fined or sued or get their asses kicked - whatever, but I don't feel one drop bad for anyone who got caught as a result.  First off, you are doing something you shouldn't be doing, so you take a risk there will be an unwanted consequence.  Two, you are not only cheating on your spouse, you are advertising it on line.  We adults keep harping at our kids that they have to be so careful about what they put on line or they won't get a job, but we have a site for cheating?

Every day there seems to be well-known names popping up as Ashely Madison users.  I think everyone of those people should lose their jobs and not because they did the "wrong thing."  They should lose their jobs because they are that fucking stupid.  Military and government leaders?  CEOs, CFOs, teachers, preachers?  If you are reckless and foolish enough to be on this site, I don't want you deciding anything for me or telling me anything.

On a lighter note, I did find one group of people who should consider NOT laying low.  You know who these people are?  The insane, cross-training freaks who stop in the middle of the street to do push-ups as part of some interval thing they are doing.  What is wrong with you?  The shoulder of the road where bikers and walkers are and where cars are not 2 feet from running you over - THAT IS NOT THE PLACE TO DO PUSH-UPS!!

Besides my whistle and smacking
people, maybe I could start
hitting some with a stick.
I am not lying to you, or even exaggerating.  We were in Long Beach Island where bikers and walkers share a 4-foot shoulder on each side OF THE MAIN ROAD and this guy is blocking the middle of the shoulder doing push-ups.  His hands are practically on the actual road.  If he survives, he too should lose his job for being stupid.

**As a side note, I am aware of the national emergency that would ensue should we start firing all stupid people, but I think we might have to make an example of the people who are stupid in the above-listed special ways.  They are a danger to themselves and others.  And, some people need more than just a whistle and a smack.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

That's Not a Grilled Cheese

Let me start off being crystal clear.  Grilled cheese is very important.  Grilled cheese pretty much holds together the fabric of society.  If you need me to explain why, then please know that I am sad that you don't know how empty and and small your life is.  But don't worry, I do still love and accept you.  I mean, I'm still going to talk about you behind your back, but with love and acceptance.

Anyhoo, back to grilled cheese. I think the folks at Pinterest and the assorted recipe sites on
That is a fun grilled cheese.
Cheese on the inside AND
on the outside.
line need to understand that just because something has melted cheese on it, it's not automatically a grilled cheese.  A cheeseburger for instance.  That is a burger with cheese.  It's not a grilled cheese with a burger.  The burger is the star.  Right?  No one is trying to give the cheese top billing or trick anyone.  Even when you grill it on rye bread and call it a patty melt and make it look more grilled cheesy, it's still a cheeseburger (I don't really get what's the deal with a patty melt or why it's called that, probably some communist thing).

This recipe for this Mushroom grilled cheese... not a grilled cheese.  It's a grilled mushroom sandwich with cheese on it.  And yes, there is a difference.  One is a grilled, crispy, cheesy delight that someone added mushrooms to (for some unknown reason) and one is this sandwich.  This sandwich will make you sad because you will be expecting yum and what you will be getting is a big mouthful of mushrooms.

That is a grilled cheese fail.  Too
much bacon.  And how are you
going to eat that?  It's gonna be
all greasy and when you bite into it
cheese is going to go everywhere.
Cheese is the star.  Cheese is the main ingredient. Whatever bread you want, whatever cheese you want, knock yourself out.  But, you are not supposed to add so much other stuff that cheese is not the first thing you taste.  This is even true of bacon.  Yummy and delicious, but you can't have more bacon than cheese.

So, at this point you are probably wondering "WTF DTC, are you drunk?  Who needs a whole tirade on grilled cheese?  Why are you so troubled over this?"

I will tell you why!  After I read the below-listed post, I was so distressed that the future of America, really, the whole world was in jeopardy that I felt I needed to speak up and let people know we are going to hell in a handbasket.  And believe you me, that's no way to travel.  58 Grilled Cheeses Worth Selling Your Soul For is clearly a plot to take over the world (I haven't figured out whose yet).

Disagree?  What kind of monster thinks a grilled cheese has chocolate, peanut butter and cream cheese in it?  Mascarpone cheese and Peeps?!?!  Peeps?!  Are you kidding me?!  Not horrified enough?  What do you think of a sandwich that calls itself a grilled cheese that is made from two chocolate chip cookies and cheddar cheese?  That's just ruining both things!

The article is very clever in that they throw several extremely tasty options in there to lure
Another Fail.
Picture looks good but then
you see the words 

vegan mozzarella.  
you in; true grilled cheeses.  But then they share that you can "grill" your sandwich with an iron.  Sure you can.  If you want to ruin your iron and burn your counter.  Go right ahead.  

I cannot even tell you about #27 (check at your own risk).  Was coming up with these options part of a drinking game?  I mean I actually cringed when I read #27.  Is it any wonder that America is in a tailspin when people are grilling sandwiches with Funfetti cake mix and ricotta?  I am not making this up - go look!!!  

With Pinterest being an unregulated clearinghouse of society-crushing recipes, it's going to be hard to stop these types of grilled cheeses from sneaking their way onto restaurant menus and cooking competition shows, but I am going to try my hardest by raising awareness.  I see our awareness ribbon looking like it's made of swiss cheese.

Now that I have shared my concerns with you, I feel a lot better.  Besides my grilled cheese awareness work, I feel like I can also start to focus on other Pinterest travesties that are wreaking havoc worldwide.  Things like figuring out why there is a push to put a fried egg on everything. Things like figuring out why people are being tricked into thinking they can tile their own bathrooms or cook things that have 43 ingredients, 17 of which are not obtainable in the United States.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Title That Grabs Your Attention

Oh, hey guys!  Guess what.  I'm back.  No, I haven't been anywhere fun or different.  Nope, wasn't finding a cure for any diseases.  Wasn't cooking more for my family (snort).  Wasn't spending extra time working on my fitness (guffaw).
No caption is really
needed.  But, if I must, I
will point out that I think
it would be hard to pee
with all those belts,
straps and weapons.

Think of my absence along the same vein as the 6 month hiatus between parts 1 and 2 of the first season of Outlander.  Completely rude and unnecessary, but we'll try to overlook it because the show is awesome and we love Jamie and Claire.  Yes, I am well aware that nothing about me or my blog even come closes to anything Outlander related, but just try to work with me.

If you did not watch Outlander and/or have not read the books, you might want to get on that.  I already wrote a post about it, so I won't belabor the point, but get on it.  Luckily, you have plenty of time to catch up before Season 2 premieres.

What else needs to be addressed...

I'm not going to make the whole post about Gay Marriage because I think we would need a whole afternoon (or week or month) to discuss and try to understand why there are people in up in arms about gay people having the right to get married, but let's just give it a mention.  If you are not gay, it doesn't affect you.  You might not like it, but it doesn't actually affect you.  You are not being forced to see or live near any more or less gay people than before.    

Gay people just now have the legal right to do things like visit their spouses in the hospital or
Usually he's a
foreign-born Muslim
extremist, so this is
quite a step up.
make medical decisions for their spouses.  Gay people also now won't get thrown out of their houses or lose their money if their spouse happens to die without a will and not everything is in joint names.  These are just a couple of the reasons (besides a sense of fairness) why I think it's important gay people can get married and have their marriage acknowledged in all 50 states.

And honestly, don't gay people have just as much right as the rest of us to annoy their friends and family with their beliefs that their weddings are going to be the most special, unique and meaningful occasions to ever happen?

Other big topic that would take all day to really discuss but I feel compelled to mention is the whole kerfuffle over the Confederate flag.  This discussion has been brought to the forefront as a result of the tragic shooting at the church in South Carolina.  Obviously, the flag is not what caused a hateful person to do such an unthinkable and awful thing, but it certainly brought to light that people who think like this guy (I am not even using his name) use the Confederate Flag as one of their symbols.  It represents how they feel about black people (and minorities in general).  They don't wave it around as a symbol of sweet tea, hoop skirts, fried chicken, swooning and southern hospitality.
I'm trying to help Southerners
come up with a more
positive way to express
their Southern Pride. I think
this could work as a flag.

If you want to personally wave the Confederate Flag around, go right ahead, but don't act like it represents the Old South and all the lovely things people associate with the south (as mentioned above).  When I see a Confederate Flag I assume the person with said flag is saying "I liked it back when even a low class, trashy, uneducated white person was worth more than any black person.  And I don't see anything wrong with when black people were slaves."  That flag certainly doesn't belong on United States government buildings.

Our Country's flag is supposed to represent freedom and fair treatment for all.  When the Confederate flag flies alongside, it says "wink, wink."  There must be a better way for the people who are proud to be from the south to show their pride.

So then, we have touched on some important topics (because we are totally grown ups and that's how we roll).  Also, now everyone is aware that they have some Outlander homework to get to.  And, I don't want to make light of important topics (I think DTC's new motto might be "More Smart, Less Ass," although I'm not sure that says what I'm going for), but really, Outlander is a serious matter.  Your life if lacking if you are not reading and watching.

Just so you can prepare, our next topic will be Pinterest ridiculousness.  My current Pinterest issue involves grilled cheese.

Last Note:  In looking for images I found a rainbow flag with a swastika in the middle.  I don't think that is going to take off with either group.  You heard it here first.

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