Monday, May 23, 2011


The Suburban Mom Edition
Honestly?  I know there is a camera around here somewhere and I am starting to expect that Ashton Kutcher is going to pop up out from behind the sofa.  I am sure that I am being "Punk'd."*  And let me tell you this; I am not going to be a good sport about it.  I am going to kick Ashton's ass.  And then my family's.

This is what's been happening here; you tell me I'm not right:

The Party texts me during the day to ask if I could take dry cleaning.  I say "maybe" because even though I am going to do it, I don't like him to think he can boss me around.  I go up to our closet, where he keeps the dry cleaning in a pile on the floor.  There is one pair of pants and two shirts.  He was just away for a week for work, so I know there are more clothes somewhere.  Now, not only do I have to take the clothes to the dry cleaner, but I have to participate in a mini scavenger hunt first.

Because I am not just pretty, I know that somewhere (not near our bedroom or closet) The Party has emptied his suitcase.  Using my best detective skills, I locate the dry cleaning in the garage.  It's there because that is as far as the suitcase got (pretty sure our suitcase from our cruise at Christmas break is still there too with clothes in it - guess none of those needed to go to the dry cleaners).  Ha!  Nice try, but I found it.  Not that it wasn't great fun to check the spare bedroom, living room and family room first.  

Who knew we actually
had something in common?
Next attempt comes when The Party calls from work as I am making dinner.  For whatever reason (probably hidden cameras), he always calls right as I am dead in the middle of making dinner and my hands have food on them or something is burning or boiling over.  The only other time he calls is if I am on the other line.  

Let me give you some background.  If I call The Party during the day and he actually answers the phone, he is always giving me the bum's rush because he is "busy" (I know he's at work, but whatever).  But, if he calls me and I tell him I can't talk because I am on the other line or getting ready to go pick up one one of the kids or the house is on fire, all he hears is "I want nothing more than to give you my full attention and catch up on the day's events.  I think he and Ashton sit around with a stopwatch to see how long they can keep me on the phone.  There is probably a pool.

Party, Boy and SB are all in on the other scam they have running around here.  This is the one where I say something about upcoming plans we have and everyone insists that I never mentioned it before.  They actually think that I will believe that I must be hallucinating and either imagine saying things or am just talking to myself.  Funny thing is that when I start to give details of what one of them said during the "imaginary" conversation, suddenly people have a vague recollection of what I am talking about.  You know they are cursing to themselves that they didn't "get" me and are plotting a more airtight story for the next time.

So, now you all know that I am forced to be ever-vigilant in my quest to keep the crazies from taking over the asylum.  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

AKA - Home Sweet Home

*Mom - "Punk'd is an MTV show on the order of Candid Camera, but from this century.  Ashton Kutcher is the ersatz host.


  1. ^Love the note to your mom! I too have been on a scavenger hunt spree lately......only I'm in search of the various parts to the baseball uniforms. My new favorite line is 'How should I know where your cup is? I don't have a penis'.

  2. Right?? It's as if they think we have some kind of superpower where we just *know* where they left their shoes, or Lego men, or mp3 player.

    PS- If I did have that superpower, I would still make them get off of their butts and look themselves.

  3. ...and you think I wouldn't know this because...? I am hip and with it!
    And furthermore...
    BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaa. This is Dr.Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't, suck it up cupcake! Life doesn't revolve around you.
    Love, Mom

  4. Do you people see what happens when someone learns how to cut and paste???

  5. I can totally empathize with you, DTC. My hubby likes to hide his socks and underwear in various crevices around the room. He knows better than to ask me unpack ANYTHING for him.

  6. Just to update you all - Party thinks this post was mocking him. I don't see how giving an accurate account of events is mocking, but I guess he is feeling guilty or something.

  7. i do not know how i missed this blog (i was probably still recovering from dance recital weekend) but this is on my list of top five favorites!! because i feel your pain AND because i was imagining what party would say when he read it for himself! bc xoxo (and your mom is a crack-up ... bring her to lunch next time!)


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