I speak English. I am certain I have complete command of the language. It is the only language I have ever spoken. It is the only language my husband and children speak, yet...I am constantly met with stares of confusion and lack of comprehension. I could say something 100 times and they look at me in shock and disbelief like they had no idea there was a problem.
I have decided maybe my family needs a handbook or users manual for living here. These are just the top few things that come to mind I think they should know.
1. All the surfaces in the kitchen are wipeable.
2. You should not be surprised if you walk through mud that there will be mud on your shoes. If you don't take your shoes off, there will be mud on the floor. As you may or may not know at this point, that annoys me.
3. If we are out of toilet paper and you don't tell me and I go into the bathroom and there's no toilet paper, I want to strangle you. I have considered signing you out of school early/ showing up at work to do so.
4. I don't know where your (fill in the blank) is. And, I don't care. Even if I am pretending I do.
5. If I am having a cocktail and am still finding you annoying, then you are being really annoying. Try to cut it out.
6. I don't want to share the bathroom. At all. I don't want to share it at all with my children. I know our bathroom is better than yours, but get out. I also don't want to share with my husband. I know we have a beautiful new bathroom that is plenty big for us both, but get out. Your turn is whenever I am not in there. We don't need that much togetherness.
7. If you need any item that needs to be purchased from the store, please let me know as soon as you find out. This includes, but is not limited to, clothing, birthday gifts, items for school, art supplies, medical supplies, costumes. If you tell me an hour before the store closes the night before you need it, there is only so much I can do for you. This is closely related to letting me know if you need something baked. I want to know when you get home from school, not in passing before you go to bed.
8. If I am in a horizontal position on a sofa or a bed and my eyes are closed, that means I am sleeping. You cannot just start talking to me as if we were in the middle of a conversation. I won't have any idea what your are talking about and I am not likely to do anything for you.
I could continue, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone with too much information. I will get this list printed up and see how much progress we make before I add any more. Feel free to place your bets on my success at www.goodluckwiththat.com.
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