Thursday, May 19, 2011

Change of Plans

It's all a big joke until
someone bursts
 into flames.
It looks as though we're all going to need to change our plans for next week.  "Why" you may ask?  Word is out that the world is ending on Saturday night.  There's been a lot of hoopla about it and that your last chance to repent and beg for mercy is quickly about to expire.  This is a really big shame because this was the week I was finally going to get all the bills paid, join a gym, mail back all my returns so The Party doesn't have a stroke when he gets back from his business trip as sees them still here, clean out my closet, take my car in for the overdue oil change and learn Spanish.  Now the whole thing is ruined.

I am totally not doing any of that stuff now.  I am going to alternate eating pizza and fries with napping and reading (and ha ha, yes, that is different than my usual week).  Maybe I will throw in a little drinking.  We'll see.  I mean why should I try to shape up with only like two and half days to go?  If God is getting ready to destroy the world, he certainly is not going to be swayed by my eleventh hour switch to Christianity.  Duh, he's not stupid.  He IS God.  All knowing, that sort of thing.  Nope, I am casting my lot that God will appreciate that I stood by being Jewish. 

And based on the crazy bunch predicting the end, I don't think all you Christians are really off the hook either.  I think you don't mean it enough.  You didn't pinky swear or something.  So, I am really not too worried, because I am pretty sure I will have lots of good company wherever it is I am fated to go.

I am not nervous or anything and I am sure my attitude regarding the end of the world didn't have anything to do with it, but there was an actual tornado less than 5 miles from my house this afternoon.  The main damage it did was to blow the roof off the Beer Hut.  You don't think that's any kind of a sign do you?

 Real quote - "I only have
2 bars here, there is no
way I am getting off."
Another person who had a change of plans was the gal who got booted from the Amtrak train because she would not shut the f#&k up for 16 hours!!!  She talked loudly on her cell phone on her way from L.A. to Seattle.  Oh, and she was in the Quiet Car while she did this.  When she was finally asked to stop, she became belligerent.  Amtrak stopped the train and had the police remove her.  What I want to know is why it took 16 hours for someone to speak up?  And where were the conductors?  Why didn't one of them put the kibosh on her phone-a-thon at like hour one? 

Also, what could she have possibly had to talk about for 16 hours!?!?!?  I love to talk as much as the next person, and even I couldn't talk for that long.  Didn't she need to sleep at all?  She's just lucky that getting arrested for disorderly conduct is all that happened to her.  She could have met the same fate as the guy who stole a computer and fled.  Please be sure to enlarge the picture so you can read what happened to him.  He would have probably been better off if the world ended before he had his "accident."

You gotta be careful of those marines curbs.

As a result of the Amtrak incident, there is some cell phone-courtesy lobby group that is now using this as the perfect example of why July should be "Phone Etiquette Month."  Here's what I have to say to that...absolutely not!!!   You should not need a month dedicated to teaching you that, on occasion, you should shut your loud-ass yap.  If you had any sense, you would know that no one wants to hear you rambling constantly and loudly on your cell phone  and that cashiers don't like taking twice as long to help you because you are trying try to conduct your business in sign language so you don't have to hang up for 2 minutes. 

You all know that what we really need is a grassroots effort to arm all (normal ) people (like us) with whistles so they can swiftly and effectively convey their displeasure with rude and annoying behavior.

So, to recap for you:

1.  World is ending in a couple days.  If you are already on God's crap list, there is really
     nothing that can help you now, so just go with the flow.

2.  If you wanted to buy beer at the Beer Hut today, you are SOL.

3.  Ignorant Amtrak phone lady was pretty lucky to escape with all her teeth.


  1. You know, if the Amtrak story had been about a teenager, I would not have been at all surprised.
    But what adult would choose talking on the phone for 16 hrs over a good nap?

  2. The Amtrak woman was obviously not a mother. Otherwise, she would have been napping the entire trip and reading a book.

    As for the end of the world, I just wonder what the believers will do if this "prophet" is wrong about the 21st as he has been the half a dozen times he has prophesized the end before.

  3. CM and MOAL - you are both correct. This woman was old enough to know she should have been napping.

    I am sure that the arrival of Sunday will just prove to the "prophet" that God is merciful and is giving the good people more time to save the rest of us. Personally, if the world doesn't end, I think it'll be because God is waiting this guy out and doesn't want to have to personally deal with him.

  4. #4 Make a note. Go steal stuff somewhere that there is not a Marine hanging around.

    If the rapture does happen this Saturday, I know that I'll still be around, so let's get together for a wicked post-rapture looting party! I'll be in the new Land Rover with the fish sticker scraped off the bumper.

  5. Hi - just checking in to let you know I'll totally be going with the flow. I'll find somewhere besides the Beer Hut to buy my end-of-the-world stash. And I am positive that I'd lose my voice well before 16 hours of talking. Like maybe after 3 or 4 hours? I'm impressed with her vocal cords.

  6. If what they say is gonna happen, I want you to know...I forgive you.


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