Thursday, September 8, 2011

If You Don't Know, Now You Know...

We are branching out today.  The Party doesn't like when I mention him too much because he says I'm making fun of him (I'm totally not), so I thought we'd talk about something else besides him.  Something that is very hush hush in most of our suburban communities.  Rap music.  It makes great dance music, but the artists need some help.

I have previously brought this topic up on my personal Facebook page, but apparently, that communication method did not reach the intended audience.  Hopefully, I will have more success using my blog to convey my message.  Although, I am not exactly sure how many rappers or people of the hip hop persuasion are checking out my blog.  Definitely more than are checking out my Facebook page.

Shout out to the
rappers from Philly.
I am all about rap and hip hop and am old enough to have been around right as it took off as an accepted main stream genre of music.  I even remember Will and Jazz refusing to attend the Grammys because the category they won for wasn't going to be televised.  So really, I'm not new here. (editors note - Will and Jazz DID go I found out.  They were part of the group deciding whether or not to, but ultimately went, although some other rappers did not.  But still, you get my point)

So, for all my rappers and hip hopsters, I want you to know that I am totally feelin' ya and I totally get that some of what you write and rap about is beyond my personal experiences.  But, I am pretty sure that I can still offer you some tips that will help you grow as entertainers and musicians.  

1.  You can't just make stuff rhyme.  It actually has to make sense.  To someone other than yourself.  And yes, Nicki Minaj, I happen to be looking at you right now.

This is from one of Nicki's latest (she is by no means the only offender):
I said, excuse me you're a hell of a guy
I mean my, my, my, my you're like pelican fly
I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie
You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye.

2.  Find a new prefix for your name.  We are all full up with "Lil'" and "Young" and "MC."  If you don't want to use your real name, think of something that doesn't use one of those three words.  Also, pick one name.  Your rap name is a nick name.  You don't need a nick name of your nick name (hello Lil' Wayne/Weezy).  And stick with whatever name you pick.  We shouldn't have to guess who people are talking about or that you'll get offended by being called the wrong name (can you say Puffy/P.Diddy).

3.  We do not need one more song that talks about strippers, stripper poles, rolls of money, booties, poppin' bottles or how you like to be with more than one woman at a time.

4.  The blinged out grill.  No.  You might as well just wear a shirt that says, "I ran out of cars to put fancy spinners on."
There is nothing to
say here but "NO!!!"
5.  This is more aimed towards the radio stations..."G" rated versions my friends.  There is plenty of rap that I like even thought it's crude, offensive, politically incorrect, raunchy or way curse-filled - but I don't want to hear it on the radio at noon on a Saturday.  Radios stations bleep out the "f" bomb or the "n" word, but apparently, "bitch," "ho," "hell," and "ass" are all fine for children to hear and sing along to.  Also awesome hearing little girls singing "do me" or "can you get it up."

6.  Pants worn way low.  It's over.  It's not urban or cool, it looks like you are wearing a Hip Hop costume.  Further, if you insist on it anyway, we only need like an inch of underwear to get your message.  If you can't even take a full stride because your pants are at the top of your thighs, they are too low no matter what.

7.  Below are some rappers who, while are often lewd or crude, do a great job.  Their songs/raps are catchy and make sense.  Some are even downright clever and thoughtful.  Give a listen.

Both Tupac and Biggie are still making
money from their albums.  I can't make that
kind of $$ and I'm alive!
Tupac Shakur
Biggie Smalls
50 Cent

As our "rap" up (get it - bahahaha), I will point out, as I did previously on Facebook, that I am willing to bet than anyone reading this over the age of 50 does not know what comes after "the roof is on fire."  No cheating, you can't go Google it.  Oh - and I will totally let you know when all my thank you e-mails from the entertainment world start pouring in.


  1. Can we all give ourselves rapper names? I want to be Sir Bitch-A-Lot. Except I'm not exactly a 'sir'. Hmmm. How about.... Notorious F.A.T.?

  2. I'm well under the age of 50, and I had to think hard before I remembered what came after "The roof is on fire".
    I agree with you... rap isn't my genre, but I do listen to it sometimes, and it drives me nuts when I finally figure out what they're saying only to realize it's not even a sentence.

  3. TMM - we should TOTALLY come up with rap names!

  4. Rap is crap. rhymes.

  5. I don't know the lyrics to The Roof is on Fire and I'm under 30....

  6. omg - you mean there might me people too YOUNG to know that? (I couldn't like that less).

    It's not particular lyrics, it's any time it's in a song in any form, a version of the next line follows.

    Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  7. Awesome! Especially #6. Especially #6, in regards to young, WASP-y, middle class white boys. Puh-leeze.

  8. Don't worry, DTC, I always thought that song was a Philly thing so maybe geography is more of a factor than age.

  9. Oh, and thanks, I'll be singing "we don't need no water let the____________ burn...." all day. Good 80's memories!

  10. Not a Philly thing. I live in Chicago and we sang it here too.

  11. Ok "young" people - you can also find the line in 50 Cent's In Da Club. :)

  12. Love this! I want the T-Pain mic to use when talking to my kids/telemarketers/on a boat.... The possibilities are endless.

    As for the "pants on tha ground, pants on tha ground, lookin' like a fool with yo' pants on tha ground..." I read an article recently that said young kids should know that was originally a fashion statement used by PRISONERS and it meant you were hoping to get some love in the shower, when you "dropped the soap" if ya know what I mean. Wonder if all those kids would think it was as cool to do it then??

  13. Holly - did not know that - I will certainly make sure MY pants are up where they belong. Bahahaha!

    Also - the whole On A Boat thing - Hiss-ter-i-cal!!! Gotta love T-Pain for being a good sport and playing along. Do NOT love T-Pain's grill however.

  14. No mention of Public Enemy? I am disappointed... while I am not a huge fan of hip hop, I do find, even in my advanced age, that there is some that I find damn catchy. A great hook, with smart lyrics, is all the really matters. I also respect anyone who is willing to bring light to social ills, which usually leaves out most of the main stream rappers these days.

  15. Pelican fly is like a crazy unattainable high. Slicker than the guy With the thing on his eye is a clear reference to "the ruler", Slick Rick. Let me know if any other lyrics baffle you, old timer.

    1. F**k yea! Thank you for showing these rap illiterate people what it means. Common since!!!

  16. And really, no LL Cool J? What up?? He could put a lot of couples therapists out of business..
    "You deserve flowers and candy, the simple things
    In addition to the SL's, bigets and rings
    Instead I walk around like I'm a king
    And having you ain't nothing but a thing
    I even stopped tellin' you the lovin' was good
    Too busy frontin' in the hood
    Baby girl, hold me tight don't ever let go
    I'ma do it real gentle baby, nice and slow
    One more chance baby and don't say no
    Cuz I got another side to show
    Some say love is painful it helps you grow
    Well it's time for the pain to go, ya'know"

    He's a cross between Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth and Shakespeare, no? :)

  17. Oh Irina...if only you and LL were both single. No one appreciates him like you do..xo

    Anonymous friend above - I knew pelican fly, I just think it's a dumb expression. Totally did not get the Slick Rick reference. Other of Nicki's lyrics more illustrate my point (see below), but in general, I think her lyrics are trying too hard to be bad ass at the expense of cleverness - plus, all her voices she makes annoy me. :)

    "Now will these chicks try and be my bestie?
    But I take a left and leave 'em hangin' like a testie." - My Chick Bad

    And, I can't single her out in "Bedrock" because most of those lyrics are weak.

    And, now that I have illustrated that I may have too much free time, you can go back to your regularly scheduled Saturday activities.

  18. I have always said you can't have 'crap' without 'rap', but I was not a little dismayed to read that list and think, "Holy crap, I actually LIKE some of those artists." I actually know every single word in "Lose Yourself." This is a dark day, my friend, dark indeed.

    Also, I was under the impression that the 'jailin' look (where pants hang low on the legs) was not an invitation for shower sex, but simply a result of prisoners not being allowed belts in the correctional facility (they could be used to commit suicide, or injure/kill other inmates). My understanding was that by the time they got out, it was seen as something of a badge of honor, showing that they had been in prison, and was emulated by idiots (who apparently undervalue being able to walk without face-planting into the sidewalk)around the country. I always have the insane urge to give them mega-wedgies as they walk by...

  19. Caitlin, if you lose control and actually give one of these people a wedgie, please have your camera ready to capture their expression and post it for us. :)

  20. I already have a rap name. I've has it since high school. My first 2 initials are M and C. The first 3 letters of my name are Mel. So people have called me MC Mellie Mel for decades. Not very original. I like rap, but it's mostly for the beats. The lyrics don't impress me aside from Tupac, Jay Z, Public Enemy, Mos Def, and Common. There are others, but I'm too lazy to keep typing. I'm with you on the pants and the grills. Ugh! Ridiculous.

  21. Ugh! I've had it since high school.

  22. If your initials are MC, THEN you can still use MC. That's clever. Otherwise no - MC is used up. PS - my son's first two initials are MC too. It's almost like I knew he should have a rap name.


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