Tuesday, June 12, 2012


They are all like this.
Some are just cuter.
As I have said before, I am not sure which is more frustrating; dealing with a teenage boy now or when I was actually a teenager.  It really is a toss up.  On one hand, as an adult, I can more than win any battle of wits or words against my child.  On the other hand, I can't really use all my weapons as that would be mean and hurtful.  Unlike when I was a teenager, I can't just say "you're an a**hole" and give him the finger.  I mean, I could, but who would that really hurt?  I'm the one who will be paying for his therapy.

Thankfully, for the most part, Boy is not too troublesome.  He is mostly just baffling, as most male people are wont to be.  Our most current topic of confusion is smell.  Yes, smell.  As in "can't you smell that?"  I don't understand how if I can smell you from another floor in the house, you can't smell you.  At all.  Even a little.

And now I think I see
how the problem got started.
And let me just tell you something else, it's not just Boy with this problem.  But, we'll address that later on.  Right now we can discuss Boy and his inability to realize Axe body wash is an olfactory assault on all and is probably giving him brain damage.  Axe offers an array of scents, all of which are awful.  I honestly don't know what appeal it has to the teenage boy set.  They go from not wanting to shower at all (and not noticing their own BO) to believing you can never smell too "irresistible."  I am not sure where boys get this idea in that I am pretty sure no teenage girl ever said "You smell awesome!  I love when my eyes water like that."  There is no doubt in my mind that Axe (and other over-cologned products) are created by men/boys/male chimpanzees.

So, I recently solved the body wash issue by replacing it with something less fragrant.  I didn't mention I had switched it and no one said a word about it.  Problem solved, right?  Despite this, I kept smelling that cologne-y smell whenever Boy was nearby or if I entered an area he had just been.  Not sure what was going on, I checked the shower.  Nope, Axe body wash not in sight anywhere.  Then I saw the culprit.  Old Spice deodorant.  Apparently on one of Boy's first independent driving forays he went to Target, and being drunk with power, purchased said deodorant (and Lysol wipes - no I don't know why).  In several different, subtle ways I suggested to Boy that he stop wearing the Old Spice.  I used his allergies and skin sensitivity repeatedly.  To no avail.  Finally, I had to come right out and say the deodorant was giving me a headache and that people should not be able to smell your deodorant.  

Not one to reach the extra inch and pick up the unscented deodorant next to the smelly one, I smelled Boy leaving the next day for school and immediately went up to his bathroom and threw away (in a trashcan in the garage) the Old Spice.  He hasn't even said a word about it and I have no idea if he's even noticed.  Yet, another thing about males that makes one wonder.

Back to the other male who lives here with smell issues.  Thankfully, the Party does not have BO and he can occasionally tell when something smells.  The problem here is he likes when stuff has a smell.  When I hug Party, my nose is very near his armpit.  I don't want to smell powder fresh or rugged outdoors or woodsy manliness, or whatever other dumbass name they give these things.  I want to smell nothing.  That is why it's called DEodorant.  Not OTHERodorant.  Party also loves him some Vapo-Rub and Ben-Gay.  He has more call to use the Ben-Gay, so that's a more frequent discussion.  I can come in through the garage and smell that stuff two stories up.  He doesn't see what the problem is.  He says that it smells like a wint-o-green lifesaver and he knows I like wint-o-green lifesavers.  Yes, but not a pack of them shoved up my nose.

Teenage Girl Natural Habitat
Obviously, there are many, many, many more ways in which teenage boys, and male humans in general, are baffling and confusing.  Like I have the kind of time it would take to discuss all those ways.  We'd be here forever!  Also, let's not forget that I need to leave time to discuss my 14-year-old daughter.  She is a whole other ball of wax, albeit, a less smelly one.


  1. OMG I could not stop laughing!!! First, let me just say that giving your teenager the finger and telling him that he's being an asshole (once) is okay. I promise that he'll completely stunned, and actually *think* about what he did to cause his mother to lose his mind in such a fashion. But you can only use it once!

    As far as the AXE goes, all that junk is banned in my house also. It's AWFUL!! I have a cousin that comes over and I can smell him as soon as he walks through the back door. His smell lingers for hours after he has left!! I don't know how they don't fall over dead from the fumes when I get a migraine from just being in the same zip code.

  2. I don't really have a problem with hubby's Axe by its self, but with my fruity natural feminine smells it combines to create some weird mutant funk that inevitably starts to smell of raw sewage. I will say the actual AXE brand is waaaaaaaaaaay better than the cheapo rip off Axe stuff. Still, I completely agree with you. It's supposed to DEodorize, not just make things worse!

  3. **Oops! The proofreading fairy must've been on break. I meant to type "lose her mind" not his. My bad.

  4. I love Old Spice. Pop Pop used it as aftershave (not the deodorant).

    I have never heard of/smelled Axe, but it's a bad name.

    This is one of your best. I will copy and send to my non FB friends.

  5. YOU CRACK ME UP! The line about it's DEodorant not OTHERodorant reminded me of my Grandma who kept a spray bottle of "air freshener" in the bathroom. *ahem. Great, now it stinks like poo AND roses. nice. What I'd give to have to hear the sound of her spraying air freshener again though.
    Thank you for the heads up on what to expect when my boy gets a bit older. Right now I'm dealing with the "Shower? ARGH!" phase as he is 9. However my girl's room looks just like the natural teen habitat pic, so I'm anxious to read how it will morph as she gets to the teens, she's 7. Can't wait to read your next post!!! :)

    1. I am now getting ready to pack up both kids for the summer stuff, so my next post will probably be written from hell.

      PS - thanks for the love. :)

  6. Oh, I can't wait to hear about your 14 year old daughter & compare her to mine! Mine dances & apparently there is a mindset amongst dancers that "oh, my feet / shoes reek so bad that other people gag and it may cause serious funk in my Mom's car - oh well!" But at least she does wear deodorant now.

    My hubby has no BO, either. Weird! Maybe some after doing physical labor all day, but otherwise, none. And his feet never smell. And he's got the softest elbows ever. WTF??

  7. My son also thinks "more is more" when it comes to Axe, and in his case, this means layering. He's a triple threat with the body wash, deodorant, and aerosol spray that I'm pretty sure is also used as a house fogger by exterminators. That stuff is horrendous!

  8. My Dramasaur (7) generally boycotts the shower/bath, however, when he does decide it's time to hose off a layer or two, he loves to use "just a smidge" of each and every scented product to be found in the shower or bathroom. I've smelled men's Dial bodywash on an arm, and my oatmeal/shea body wash on his head (um, not shampoo buddy!), the kids' coconut shampoo on his other arm, and I'm pretty sure each leg and his butt have a different smell as well.

    DH (unfortunately) loves AXE spray. He keeps it in his truck. I cannot stand it, but as long as he has simmered down to a layer that doesn't linger as he walks, I'm ok. HE, however, cannot seem to stomach the perfectly lovely apple-cinnamon air freshener in my car. Or my hair gel of all things. We were driving home in my car yesterday, and the entire 15 minutes was spent listening to him complain about the smell, or his stuffy nose/itchy eyes/scratchy throat/etc. Dude, the air quality sucks today, and half of the state is still blooming. Ever consider the possibility of frackin ALLERGIES? Sheesh!

    1. um, if you wear Axe or anything similarly smelly, you don't get to complain about apple-cinnamon. Everyone knows that.

  9. Well, now I know what I have to look forward to. My oldest just hit 13 on Sunday, and I still have to herd him into the shower at night, since he thinks that bed-head (he invariably looks like a cockatiel - hilarious) and greasy face is perfectly alright. My miracle of the month is getting him to use styling gel in his hair, because it's one big cowlick.

    I can tell you (as someone who occasionally walks by a working television) that boys get those ideas about Axe from the commercials. Because I'm not sure girls talk to boys AT ALL at that age, and certainly not to the extent of criticizing their deodorant. (Totally imaginary conversation: "Hey dana, you're cute, let's go out." "No thanks Jimmy, your deodorant is kinda overpowering, and that just doesn't demonstrate the maturity level I need in a boyfriend.")

    1. Okay, update. I saw this, and had to link it:


Popular Posts