Thursday, June 16, 2011

Handy Survival Tips

Some time back in the winter I posted Suggestions For Family Harmony.  This was a short list I thought would help my family live more calmly and peacefully and perhaps keep them from sustaining any personal injuries.  I was apparently too gentle and loving in my phrasing.  Plus, it would seem that I left out what I would have thought were suggestions that didn't actually need to be articulated.

Since clearly, it was my own misjudgment that has landed us here; humans acting like they were raised in the forest by wolves, I will now enumerate some of the finer points of living as a normal human being in society.  You may all feel free to use any of these suggestions to help your own families.  I am sorry if my list sounds harsh, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

See, this girl loves the rules.
Rules make her life
happy and orderly.
1.  If there is something in your doorway, right by your door, or very close to your door, there is a very good chance that it was put there as a sign to you to take it in your room and put it away.  If you examine the item closely, you will see that it belongs to you or is something you need or asked for.  That should give you a further clue that the item should go in your room.  Moving it out of the way of your door, but leaving it on the floor nearby so you can pass shows me you saw said item.  This also shows me that you must love the sound of my voice bellowing throughout the house in search of you and whatever lame-ass explanation you are going to try to give me.

2.  If I ask you to do something or tell you we are doing something or going somewhere, it is perfectly acceptable to occasionally just say "okay Mom, no problem."  I honestly don't need to hear all the reasons why you don't want to do something or go somewhere.  I wasn't taking a poll, I was just giving information and/or giving directions.  

Footstool is on left.  It is small and
nothing in our house looks like that.
Please note ottoman is not
advertised with anyone's sneakers on it.
3.  I don't care how many times you say the word "footstool," my upholstered ottoman is still not and never will be a footstool.  I don't want the bottom of your shoes on it.  Bend down or sit down and tie your shoes like a normal person.  Keep your shoes off my ottoman.  Your shoes don't go on the ottoman, it's not a footstool.  There are no footstools where you can put your feet in our house.  I hope that I have said this in a way that is clear to you that I don't want your shoes on the ottoman.  The words "sofa" and "bed" can also be substituted for ottoman here.  And please God, don't let me hear you've done this at other people's houses.

4.  If you are going to the trouble of actually going into the closet where your hamper is, go the extra mile and put your dirty clothes IN the hamper, not next to it.  What the F is that?  You are right there!

5.  When you borrow something of mine (especially without asking) and don't put it back, act sorry when I am pissed off about it.  When you act indignant, like *I* am somehow the problem, that just makes me even more mad.  Remove the phrase "it wasn't my fault" from your vocabulary.  It is your fault.  We all know it's your fault.  Either be sorry or pretend to be sorry and take the crap you have coming your way and then we can all move on with our lives.

Out of the goodness of
my heart, I won't tell you
which child this is.
I don't want to overwhelm anyone, so I will stop at 5.  Hopefully, this list will make more of an impression than the original one.  Boy (speaking for all three) has often informed me that I am a fascist dictator.  Like that is going to make my rules/observations less true and accurate.  Since there is no way he and SB could ever get along long enough (or get The Party on board), to form a coup, they are just going to have to suck it up and act right and not like the the uncivilized foundlings I've been meaning to tell them they are.


  1. I can relate, especially with number 2.

  2. About a month or so ago, I mentioned to my 15 yr old how your son said that you were "mean like Hitler" and he told me that I wasn't mean like Hitler. He said that (aside from being insane and ordering the killing of millions of Jews) that Hitler was actually a very nice person. He told me that I was mean like Stalin.

  3. LOL on all points of that statement TMM.

  4. Numbers 1 and 2 are the the biggest issues in my house. Like your offspring, mine would never manage to quit quibbling long enough to overthrow me.

    When my kids tell me I'm mean like Hitler, I merely reply, "Jawohl." I'm half German, what did they expect?


  5. you're not doing much to make children look cute to me ;)


  6. some of this was pointed at husbands as well - what's it doing for you on that front?

    and, while pets don't do some of the above items, kids don't puke or pee in your shoes or handbags (usually). or try to eat them.

  7. OMG, how did I miss this post before? I am going to read this list to the children every night before bed. (Instead of 'Go the F*** To Sleep' by Adam Mansbach, which their spoilsport daddy won't let me read to them :P)

    Recently, our 12 yr old daughter left a bright pink polka-dotted (ergo clearly HERS) sock lying halfway up the stairs for 3 days. We're not sure how it wound up there to begin with. Regardless, she must have walked right over it at least a dozen times. Her father and I were counting the days, waiting to see how long it would take for her to pick it up, but after 3 I couldn't take it any longer, and pointed it out. I asked her to take the sock to her room. The next time I went upstairs I saw that she HAD taken it to her room... right to the threshold, where she dropped it on the floor and left it. She did this with no trace of irony.


    PS. Come on, Paulette, you know you want one :D (or two! two is even better, trust me on this)

    xoxo, K

  8. Thank you thank you thank you for this. As summer has been underway for about 2.5 weeks here, I revel in the fact that we're all still alive. Hopefully, once I print these out and begin drills with them at meal time, we'll all make it to September.

  9. so glad to help - you know, I am all about helping.


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