No, no, I jest. You will all survive. Tomorrow I will share with you and stark.raving.mad.mommy some tips for navigating the teen years. Waiting for this phase gives a whole new meaning to "Are we there yet?" Which is followed by "And how to do I escape?"
Last week, my twin daughters turned ten. They are inching closer and closer to being actual teenagers. So far they still like to play on the playground, but I know we’re only a few years away from them seeing a playground as a place to hang out and annoy parents of little kids.
It’s a little terrifying.
Coincidentally, I received some random health magazine in the mail with an article about talking to your kids about “club drugs.” Apparently, people still do ecstasy. I didn’t think it was still a problem because Newsweek stopped running articles about raves like ten years ago. Also, it seems that OxyContin is still a big thing. Parents should know that OxyContin is a prescription pain medicine, not a new acne treatment or laundry brightener.
You know what else kids are doing now? Sniffing foul-smelling crap and taking animal tranquilizers. Seriously. Ketamine. It’s a freaking animal tranquilizer. Now, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV, but I’m going to go ahead and guess that shooting up something that’s used to knock out lions so zoo dentists can clean their fangs is probably not a great choice as a recreational activity.
When I was in high school, lots of kids drank beer, some kids smoked pot, and the rich kids dropped acid. Some kids liked to do whip-its, but to me,
The thought of my kids navigating those waters scares the crap out of me. Obviously, immediately after reading the “club drugs” article I gave my kids a lunchtime lecture on the dangers of huffing. They are now too scared to smell anything, which I’m pretty sure means I did my job correctly.
There’s also the worry that as children turn into teenagers, they also morph into moody, hormone-driven changelings who know everything. According to what’s on television, as teens my kids will become vampires, bed-hopping socialites, or a plucky group of starry-eyed misfits with their hearts set on winning the Regional Show Choir Competition. Clearly, I’m hoping for vampires.
As it is, we are getting little sneak peeks into the mood swings already. I assume when we hit puberty it will be even more fun. Add in the family history of mental health issues and it is going to be a full-on Tilt-a-Whirl of awesome.