Monday, September 10, 2012

And Now How Will I Make A Lot Of Money?

As promised, we will move off of serious topics and on to fun stuff like the beach and books.  And whatever else I can think of.  You know, sometimes this stuff just jumps right onto the page before I even know what's happening.

A simple little shack like this
is all I am looking for.  I'm
not picky, I can rough it.
We were in Long Beach Island last week.  That looks so weird when I write it, because really, we were on Long Beach Island.  But, that's not what people say, so just go with it.  Anyway, so we are down the shore for our annual August vacation there.  We rent someplace different every year; ever in the quest for the perfect house and location.  This was a great location and a very good house.  I think we would stay there again.  Unless, something even better comes along.  The caveat to that is there is always something better if you have enough money.  And, what I really want is my own beach house, which brings us to my problem.

As I have said before, I need a way to make more money.  Or any.  As fate would have it, Smartass Blogger hasn't turned out to be super lucrative, which is a total bummer.  Back in the olden days, didn't courts have jesters?  Those guys lived pretty good.  Smartass is essentially the modern-day version of that without the harlequin-styled full-body stocking with pointy toes and bells.  One might say the sophisticated version.  Anyway, until I can make some progress on getting Smartass made into a national cabinet position (apparently the economy and health care are more pressing - whatever), I have to think of something else.

I am supposed to be
naked AND hurry up?
I don't think so.
When I was lying on bed thinking (no, not napping), my back started to hurt.  I then realized it had been hurting a lot lately anytime I laid on it for too long.  Crap!  I guess I can cross prostitute off my list as a way to make money.  I mean, I guess I still could be one, but I would have to be one of those creative, fancy prostitutes and that sounds like a lot more effort than I am interested in.

So, some other jobs I thought I could do that would make me a lot of money were professional baseball player (I can catch and throw and stand there as good as the next guy), sportscaster (I am sure my commentary would be far more interesting and germane), and Emmy or Oscar host (like I couldn't do a better job than some of those hacks).  Notice, I know my own limits and did not say Tony host.  Neil Patrick Harris is beyawesome (beyond awesome, make a note of word usage for the future), funny and can sing.  I definitely couldn't beat him out for the job.

You may be wondering why I don't just go out and get a regular job.  Well, that is because I don't want to.  More specifically, I don't want to work hard and save my money up over time.  I am looking for a short-term, high-return kind of job, hence the above list.  And because I am realistic in my goals, you'll notice I didn't just say I hoped I won the lottery.  I mean I do hope it, but I know that is not likely to happen.

See...I told you.
I will let you all know how Operation Beach House is panning out as developments occur.  In the meantime, I wanted to talk about books, as promised, because we are very brainy and read-y around here and we want other people to know how much we value personal growth and learning.  That said, my big read recently was the Shades of Grey trilogy.  If you like poorly written romance novels where the characters are clingy, possessive, indecisive and insecure, then these are the books for you.  I actually read them before the word was out exactly what they were about.  Obviously, the big draw was the steamy factor.  Really steamy.  Like porn. The person who passed the books on to me merely said "you'll see what the big deal is."  My first thought when I got to the porn part love scene was "Huh...didn't see that coming." followed by "That's kind of different...hadn't thought of that."  By about half-way through the second book I was more like "yeah, yeah, yeah, handcuffs...what else ya got?"

Wait!!  That's how I can make a lot of money!  I will re-write the Shades of Grey books, translating them from insipid and impossible to realistic and cutting edge.  Characters will say things like "You want to put that where?" and "I certainly hope you washed that."  The sex scenes can have a reader participation part, like Mad Libs.  Cha-ching is all I have to say about this idea.  Pure gold.  Beach house here I come.


  1. HAHAHA! I'd read your 50 Shades rewrites!

  2. sooooooooooo would I! hilarious! and still loved the 50 Shades for specifically the clingy indecisive insecure reasons!

  3. also please post about the police tearing down this gigantic house with suspect inside! just crazy! west bloomfield,mi

  4. Adult fiction madlibs would be beyawesome! (see how I used your word?!)
    Thank you for the non-political post. I see you read your comments. ;) Keep us posted on how finding quick return on little investment turns out. I want in!

  5. Considering 50 Shades was Twilight Fan Fiction at it's inception (seriously, google Master of the Universe) all they did was change the names. Now you need to write some fan-fiction, change the names and voila. Two wrongs made a right ;)

  6. I barely made it through 50 shades. My fingers were itching for my red pencil - who edits this shit? Probably monkeys? I'd totally read your re-write!


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