Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's A Hurricane, Not The Apocalypse

This guy can't even keep awake
he is so bored by Anderson
and his hurricane talk.
First of all, here is the main way to survive the hurricane.  Ignore it.  Yes, that's right ignore it.  It works the same way as when your car is making weird noises.  If your car makes weird noises, you turn up the radio - noises are gone.  Problem solved.  

Stop watching the news and weather.  It's not even "news" anymore.  We all know there's a hurricane.  And we all certainly already know that everyone has been shopping and stocking up and you can't get D batteries anywhere. We do not need reporters stopping people leaving the market to ask how it was.  It was crowded and people are annoying.  That's how it was.  We also don't need to hear people recount past storms and compare them to how they think this storm is going to be.

As for the weather probably can check in every hour or so if you feel compelled, but you really don't need to watch it non-stop.  There is nothing more you can do.  You can't get any more prepared.  Watch a movie or read a book.  If the electricity is going to go out, you'll probably know right away when you are suddenly sitting in the dark watching nothing on TV.  

Aside from mostly ignoring the storm, there are few things you can do to make your stay at home with your family more pleasant.  You can make sure you have enough wine opened ahead of time.  If the electricity goes out, it's hard to hold the flashlight with one hand and uncork the bottle with the other.  If you enlist someone else to help, you will probably have to share.  Think about how much wine there is before you jump into that.

Snacks.  Make sure you have hidden all the best ones away from everyone so you don't have to share.  Please make certain you have hidden them in a place that you can easily get to without drawing attention to yourself.  It's probably best to hide different ones in different spots so it doesn't look like you keep going to the same place over and over again.  And for the love of Pearl, bring mints or gum with you!  If you show back up in the family room with chocolate or Cheetos on your breath, it's over for you.  You have to always be thinking in these emergency situations.

Flashlights or candles.  If you have these and are worried about losing electricity, it's best to look for them (and the matches) before the electricity goes out.  In my house, the flashlights are never where they belong because my children are awful.  They insist it is not their fault that I can't find any of the 12 million flashlights I have purchased and put in the flashlight cabinet.  Really?  Not their fault?  I guess it's my friends and I who play dark tag in the yard or the basement.

You have to look at the
bright side of things.
Now your yard
will be neat.
The Party has just reported that there are now tornado warnings for our area.  And?  He is annoyed that I am not all worked up.  He is ignoring my first rule, which is ignore it.  Unless he is going to insist we head to the basement, why must he crinkle his face at me that way?  And why is he annoyed that I said it didn't even sound that rainy or windy yet?  It's not like a tornado is gonna sneak up on us.  It'll get windy.  He's also ignoring my other rule and watching the news and weather non-stop.  That being the case, we'll know exactly when/if the tornado is in our neighborhood and can head downstairs then.  Is there really a need to beat the rush?

If, like me, you are living with someone who does not want to follow my helpful advice for getting through the hurricane/tornado/tropical storm/weather event in a calm and sane manner, then what you need to do is take some drastic measures to help your peace of mind.  Offer your loved one a glass of wine.  If you have anything along the lines of Xanax you should dissolve one or two of those babies into said wine.  Speak in soothing tones until wine/Xanax cocktail kicks in.  You should also consider taking one yourself in case your victim loved one is impervious to drugs and alcohol.  Someone should be relaxed and happy.

If you don't have Xanax, see
if you can't scare yourself
up a bottle of this stuff.

Stay tuned for the Hurricane Wrap Up where I will tell you how I told The Party "see it wasn't that bad" and he gets all red-faced and twitchy.  I assure you my report will be much shorter and more interesting than the umpteen hours of hurricane recounting we will be forced to watch on TV for the next week.


  1. I LOVE I hole up during my family "VACATION" in my mom's house in Phila...I hope your next post talks about how nothing bad happened in Ocean City NJ, where I was planning to continue my vacation on Monday...

  2. Blah blah blah. Hurricane? If the words "Gulf of Mexico" aren't included somewhere in there, then I don't pay any attention. Heck, even when they *are* mentioned I'm only going to notice if the phrase "Cat 4" is in there as well. For all you guys on the East coast who aren't used to this kind of thing, I've got two words for you... *Hurricane*Party* And here's a tip: it's even more awesome if you have a generator to run the ice maker and blender for yummy frozen drinks. You'll be the most popular person in the neighborhood.

  3. Your wine suggestion is brilliant! Simply brilliant.

  4. I'm from Florida and we KNOW hurricanes. So, I'm speaking with the voice of experience when I say that YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FREAKING RIGHT!! About everything.

    And if you have a husband who thinks it would be funny to take the video camera out on the dock in the middle of a hurricane and pretend to be Jim Cantore...until the wind almost knocks him into the lake and he shrieks like a little girl and comes running back inside (not that MY husband would EVER do anything so ridiculous. hahaha) But IF that should happen, be sure to tell the story over and over for several years afterward. This makes your husband much more respoectful of your advice in the future.

    I hope you enjoyed your wine and your hidden snacks and survived the apocalypse/hurricane!

    (PS...I think I forgot to mention it, but this is a GREAT POST!! Loved it!!)

  5. Agreed...hope you don't run out of wine before the party runs out of panic!

  6. MD - bahahaha!! What good is an almost tragedy if you cannot mock your husband for years to come? I mean why even have a husband otherwise.

    Michelle - that's a lot of wine!

  7. I know how you feel.

    They've issues a tornado warning for Toronto as well.
    You know what I did: Yawned and took a nap.

    If the pigeons are still crapping on my balcony, the wind can't be that bad.
    And we are on the 11th floor.. :P

  8. I agree. I never watch the weather channel, and am less likely to watch during any kind of storm.

  9. LOL I loved this one! We had a hurricane in NC when I lived there, and an earthquake in 29 Palms when we were there. The joys (now past) of military life know no bounds! I have to say, I didn't even bother prepping for the hurricane, seeing as the wind speed didn't even top 100mph. Somehow I lack the give-a-crap for that much prep.
    But NOW, I'm looking around my shelf for the flashlight I *just* bought a few months back to replace my dead-dead-dead one, and it seeeems to be AWOL. Let the beatings begin!

  10. I'm new to DTC. I'm gonna assume, though, after reading this, that you're a Floridian. Because if you aren't, you *should be*.

    Let's all stand back and mock Jim Cantore, and shout OMGPuddles!

  11. LOL - nope, I'm from Pennsylvania. :)



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