Thursday, December 29, 2011

If You Are Easily Distrac...Wait, What?

It's always nice when
siblings get extra
togetherness time.
Hello all!  I hope everyone had a nice Chanukah or Christmas or Christmakah or whatever you were celebrating.  We had several nice celebrations with different parts of our families.  No one had to get voted off the island; always a plus.  SB and Boy were both happy with all their gifts and were thankful and polite to us and everyone else who gave them gifts.  They were still intolerable to each other, which is painful to listen to, but no one had to get punished or beaten, so there's that.

The Party and the kids got me a Kindle Fire and a North Face jacket.  They were both just what I wanted.  I was guaranteed to get what I wanted since I specifically said "This is what I want."  I take that back.  I have said that before and not gotten what I wanted because someone thought I didn't really mean it.  How much more clear can I be?  Do I actually have to say the words "and I mean it" in order to be believed?  Why would I lie?  Am I trying to trick someone into getting me the wrong gift?

Anyhoo, I digress.  I was figuring that since people are all busy this week with holiday stuff and kids, I would just  share some random thoughts in small chunks so you could stop at any point and not feel you were missing the end of a story.  If you choose to abandon ship mid-sentence, however, I really can't help you.  I have color-coded for your enjoyment.

MO: He said what about my ass?
JS: Uh uh uh, ummm, I meant I
just don't think your ass is small.
MO: Where is my stun gun?
Jim Sensenbrenner, Wisconsin Congressman, essentially called Michelle Obama a fat ass.  I will explain.  The Congressman basically said that the First Lady doesn't seem to be following her own advice about eating right because she kind of has a big back yard.  Really?!?!  Really!?!?  It seems like the congressman is saying that Michelle Obama shouldn't preach eating healthy if she does not eat healthy 100% of the time (she did admit to the occasional hamburger and fries).  He was dismissing her healthy eating initiative because she doesn't look like what he considers to be thin?  First of all Jim, she's sure as hell thinner than you.  Second, she's built completely fine.  She looks fit and healthy.  Does the congressman think no one should offer good advice on any topic unless they are flawless in their own execution of said advice?  Kind of ironic coming from a politician, no?

As an update, the Congressman said that he was merely trying to say the government shouldn't tell people what they should eat.  He did also say he would contact the First Lady to apologize.  I bet she can't wait for the call.  Also, as an aside, I don't think Michelle Obama is trying to get laws enacted that say what you can and can't eat.  I think she is just trying to make known what healthy eating looks like and what ways we can go about achieving that.  Seems like a pretty good initiative to me.  Personally, I am lobbying to have her get cheese fries added to the food pyramid (or whatever shape they are using these day).  Loud whistle and sharp smack for Sensenbrenner.  Find something important to rally against.

I like and dislike Winter Break.  I like the whole holiday, festive thing.  Gifts are always good too.  It's nice not to have to rush around to a million activities and to see more of my kids and The Party.  I even like entertaining and cooking (more in theory than execution, but I'll keep it in the plus column).  I dislike my kids annoying the crap out of each other and me for no good reason.  I dislike how much it costs me when people are home day after day.  I dislike how long it takes to get ready for company and then clean up after.  The fun should last longer than the prep and wrap-up.  I like going to other people's houses for celebrations because it's easier, but I dislike when they don't have the food that I want them to have.  I think people should serve what I would have made at my house, so I don't have to make it.  I dislike that Winter Break is in the winter and therefore it's kind of cold.  I don't know why, but I was surprised yesterday when it was freezing f-ing cold!!  I know it's December, but still.

That is just quality humor
right there.
I have nothing really to say about the picture next to this paragraph.  I just think it's hysterical and laugh every time I look at it.  I wish I could wear it as a shirt.  To PTA meetings.  And write whose name I mean on it.  Or maybe instead of those bracelets that say WWJD on them, I could get a STFU bracelet.  I know, not really the same sentiment, but you don't know - maybe that's what Jesus would say to do.

I really still do not get the beauty of The Twitter.  What I do now understand about it though is that the die-hard Twitter peeps will completely mock you and think you are a loser if you don't understand/get the whole hash mark(#) thing.  So, of course I really cannot comment on some stuff there without appearing hopelessly dorky and old.  If you are a Twitter lover, please do not run back over there and get people to gang up on me.  Further - # - is a pound sign, not a hash mark.  What the F does "hash mark" really mean anyway?  And another thing, 140 characters is not enough to conduct a real conversation back and forth since the name of who you are responding to counts towards the number of characters you can use.  See, you are already confused too and don't see what's so fun about The Twitter either.  I could go on, but I know most of you got lost around the second sentence and are now dozing.

You will notice these treats
are surrounded by fruit
because they are both equally
good for you.
Oh wait!!  I totally forgot, there are other things that I like and dislike about Winter Break.  I like that all food, healthy, crappy, or otherwise, is calorie-free and good for you if you are eating it during vacation or in conjunction with a holiday celebration.  In addition, if you are home with your kids over break, it's also fine.  This is a scientific fact.  Please note, however, there is a caveat.  If you take a bite of something and you don't really like it, but eat it anyway, the calories count.  This is in place so you don't take advantage of the system.  For real, this has been proven in many important studies.  You can waste your time and look it up if you want, but...  I do not like when baked goods look delicious and wonderful and are then only "eh."  That is a big giant cheat.

In January I will have been blogging for a year.  So far I think it has been going pretty well.  Nobody has yelled at me or called me names or begged me to stop jamming up the interweb with my nonsense.  I did get slightly admonished when I guest posted for Rants for Mommyland when I said something about boys acting brain damaged around breasts.  Apparently "brain damaged" is not PC.  I don't want to point out (but I will) the real problem isn't my description, but rather male behavior.  Either way, Rants from Mommyland was super nice to have me over to play.  It is a very fun blog - give it a look-see.

My biggest help, and likely the reason I have any readers at all (besides my mom), is Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy.  She is a giant, super-size helping of awesomesauce.  She has made sure that I am on track and gives me lots of suggestions.  SRMM has also introduced me to most of the other bloggers I know (for real and in Cyberland).  She is funny and smart and you should totally be reading her blog and all the other fun stuff she writes for Redbook on-line and  

I of course will again thank Pregnant Chicken.  PC designed my logo and banner for me out of the goodness of her heart just because she couldn't bear for me to look so amateurish.  I love love love it!!!

I will probably think of more people I should be thanking after I post this, so be on the lookout for updates.  I of course want to thank everyone who reads and comments and fools around with me on the blog and Facebook.  I am having so much fun!!  My faith in mankind has been restored knowing that the world is filled with other smartasses who are willing to cross the line into bad taste for a good joke.  xo


  1. Love your blog!!! Keep up the great work!

  2. This blog post took me across the full range of emotions. First, anger at that stupid politician from Wisconsin to whom I would like to thump in the forehead. Then, it was gladness for someone saying they didn't like things. I'm feeling pressured to be positive when I don't always want to be. Then, I was doubled over in laughter from the idea of you wearing that picture on a shirt to a PTA meeting. Then relief reading about how you feel about Twitter, because I'm feeling compelled to join, but don't really want to.
    So thanks for the emotional roller coaster ride. I'll probably have to make a therapy appointment. And thanks for blogging. I just started blogging and it's been fun to read yours!

  3. I am very proud to be the mother of a blogging Donkey. I'm kvelling. I even send columns to friends who aren't on FB.

    On that same note,I didn't notice my name in the thank you paragraph. And to think, I could have been your only reader (as mentioned above)if the fates hadn't stepped in. Nonetheless, I will always be a fan.

    Lastly, since gifts were mentioned in 2 different paragraphs, I will add that what I REALLY wanted was a photo of my gorgeous grandchildren so I could smile whenever I felt like it(b/c they always make me smile). It seems that this was not possible b/c Donkey had a column to write...or something. And the other ones probably went along with it b/c Donkey can be very persuasive.

    Birthday coming up...


  4. I would like a STFU bracelet. Please make this happen.

    Also, mocking the Twitter? Not cool, man.
    NOT. COOL.

    Also, Happy Holidays!!!! :)

  5. @Mother - it's Mark's fault there is no picture. I tried to arrange it, he refused to cooperate.

    @Recovering Supermom - don't feel pressured to be positive if you aren't feeling it. Get all your bitching and venting out (say on a blog). Don't punch anybody though. Somewhere in the middle is good.

    @Chunky Mama - it's you and all your Twitter friends that are conspiring against me. I just know it. I'm on to you! #meangirlclique xo

  6. I absolutely love the anger management/counseling cartoon, hilarious!

  7. Cut, pasted and posted your comment to Mark. Guess you'll be hearing from him. I WANT that freaking picture!! I ask for SO little.

  8. I would TOTALLY buy and wear a STFU bracelet!!!!

  9. I love the cartoon and I love the thought of another year of reading your posts! Woo hoo!!

  10. I love you so much. I ignored my husband and kids for a few days before Christmas just so I could read all your earlier posts.

    Also, I used to love Rants from Mommyland, but I predict they have jumped the shark on the funny with the Helping Hookers project. Not that it wasn't a fantastic thing to do, but now they have a bunch of humorless do-gooders who just love to point out how offensive it is to laugh at anything ever. It looks like you recovered from being admonished, though. You're right about the problem being the behavior.

    Anyway, Happy New Year and thanks for the laughs. You're in my google reader now and I'm looking forward to your posts in 2012.

  11. I enjoy reading you. And would love a STFU bracelet...

    Sidenote: I wish I could look less amateurish.

  12. I would like to order 2 STFU bracelts, for each hand. Maybe you could hire some girlscouts or other group to make them, ala friendship bracelets?

    And a sincere thank you for blogging---for saying the things that I am thinking. Happy new year and here's to more wisdom in 2012!

  13. First - thank you all for the love and ignoring your families on my behalf. Please know I am constantly ignoring mine to write and play on FB.

    Girl Scouts making STFU bracelets is brilliant!!

    On that same note, if that doesn't work, I have to work on getting these bracelets made in a way that looks artsy and funky and so people will not really know what's going on. Only those of us in the know.

    Love LG

  15. I was thinking of comments to make as I was reading, but now I've forgotten all of them, and I'm really too lazy to scroll back up and re-read, knowing that I'll have forgotten again by the time I scroll back down... so, happy 1 year blogiversary (I don't care if that isn't a word) and yay for a Kindle Fire.

  16. Smart asses rock! ;)
    That's all I have to say today.. :P

  17. THANK YOU for not getting Twitter! Me neither! I tried it for a week and totally fried my brain. If your thought/opinion can be summed up in 140 characters I probably don't give a flying f*** about it.. Oops - too harsh??!! LOVE your blog!


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