Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Slim Pickings

It's really no wonder the GOP cannot come up with a candidate that doesn't make me shake my head or roll my eyes.  They can only work with what they have.  The human pool from which to draw is extremely shallow.  Even if you are not an Obama fan, you have to agree he's at least a normal human being.  Nothing weird or freaky or insane going on.  The poor Republicans can't even find that.  For those of you who didn't like George W. Bush; he's not looking too bad now is he?  Sure, he was kind of bumbling and made up his own words, but he looks positively fabulous in comparison to Newt Gingrich or Michele Bachmann.

When you see/hear what is going on with the people of the world in general, you can start to see why we are having a problem finding quality politicians.  I mean arguably, our politicians are representative of the population at large.  And, *sigh*, eye roll, whistle, here is what's going on with our population at large:

I'm not sure why, but there was no accompanying photo with this story.  It is a toss up of who is more stupid here, the victim (whose stupidity essentially caused his death) or the criminal.  A 33-year-old woman caused the death of a 22-year-old man when she injected "a fatal penile injection."  He died of a silicone embolism.  Said woman was apparently running an "unauthorized medical practice."  What could these two have been thinking?  No matter how small or ill-working your junk might be, what are you going to do with a penis full of silicone?  I'll rephrase.  What are you going to do with it during "off hours?"  Where did this guy think he was going to hide a permanent erection?  Didn't he think that would ultimately be uncomfortable shoved in his pants?  And the "doctor?"  She didn't think of that either? 

If you see someone like this at
Walmart, you should
immediately leave the store.  It
won't end well.
Alisha Halfwit Halfmoon of Tulsa, OK was arrested for trying to cook methamphetamine.  While she was at Walmart.  She was using assorted ingredients from around the store.  Ingredients like lithium, sulfuric acid and lighter fluid.  When speaking to firefighters at the scene she admitted she wasn't very good at it. I suppose the people in the store were all lucky she didn't blow the place up.  Also of some concern is the fact that the loss prevention officers did not notify police until Alisha had been fooling around in the store for over 6 hours.  Security cameras filmed her mixing the chemicals.  What exactly were these Walmart employees waiting for?  For Alisha to be successful and then share?  Sheesh!  I guess we now have several more people to cross off the Hey Y'all She Might Could Be President list.

Really, if I roll my eyes any higher they are gonna get stuck up there.  As it is, I'm getting a headache and a little bit of an eye twitch.

If this is what
happens, I think
someone is not doing
the IVF correctly.
My next guy is stupid and ignorant and hypocritical, so as you would imagine, he was already trying to become a politician.  As you know, nothing goes together like being a gubernatorial candidate and donating your sperm to lesbian couples when you are against homosexuality.  (As an aside, I don't like the word gubernatorial and think it sounds like you are running to be your state's biggest goober).  Bill Johnson (his name is Johnson and we are talking about sperm - hee hee) cannot have biological children with his wife because she had a hysterectomy.  He believes "there is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."  I don't bet that is actually true.  I bet what she would like to give him more than anything in the world is a kick in the head.  Further, he said "reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating."  This guy sure is a charmer.  And, let's set aside his overwhelming insensitivity for a second; he donated his sperm to these couples knowing they were in same-sex relationships.  I guess the need for his "own" child is greater than his need to follow what he believes God is telling him.   I also bet these women don't like hearing that he thinks of these children, with whom he will have no contact, as his own.  Yes, let's definitely let this guy run for president.  At the very least, maybe he can be Newt's VP running mate.

As you can see, it is going to be hard for the GOP to find a candidate.  Imagine if Obama wasn't going to run again; the Democrats would have to be wading through the national pool of crazy for someone too.  I mean, who could they even consider?  Hillary already said she wasn't running again.  Oprah's kind of busy now with her new All Oprah All The Time network.  She took Rosie O'Donnell with her.  Angelina or Brad would never work out because they would constantly be trying to adopt the children of the Heads of State they met (dictators and despots don't think that crap's cute).  Slim pickings all around I tell you.

I would totally vote for
whoever made chocolate
chip cookies with oreos inside.
I am thinking that we should do away with political parties and just run an American Idol-type audition/competition.  Auditions start the end of the summer.  Anyone who fits the basic criteria (and has a long-form birth certificate readily available) can try-out.  By January, the judges will narrow the field down to 24 candidates.  Then the American public will get to vote each week until we are down to one.  That person will be the president.  Candidates will be judged on their speaking ability and command of the English language, clothing style, how they look in a bathing suit, and their ability to make chocolate chip cookies.  The entire process will be more fun than the way we do it now and we can't end up in any worse condition as a country.  And, at least we will know that everyone will have access to delicious chocolate chip cookies.


  1. Now see there... I could've been the next president if you hadn't thrown in the swimsuit competition! I make *wicked* cookies. ;)

  2. Goobernatorial. That's how I'd spell it.
    Once again, you have a solution that should be put in place. Keep me posted when it comes to life.
    And be careful not to choke on your whistle or get your eyes stuck in your head, cuz there is a LOT of folks out there that deserve both.

  3. Love this!

    And I love your idea for how to pick candidates. Instead of these ridiculous debates, I'd like average Americans ("regular Joes") to be able to ask questions of the candidates. If they start with the usual double talk, or talking points rather than answering questions, they are automatically disqualified.


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