Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Definitely Think My Eye Is Starting To Twitch

I was going to regale you with tales of PTA e-mails gone awry and non-listening children and husbands, but I figured you didn't need your face to get all squinty and your eye to start to twitching too, so I'll spare you.  Consider it an early holiday gift.

Instead I decided to find "news" stories that make the annoying people I encountered today seem less annoying.  Notice I didn't say "not annoying" because these are news stories, not magic stories.  I think actually what I have found are stories for one of my favorite games News/Not News.

For those of you just joining us, this is a game where I tell you about a "news" story that actually isn't news.  We then ponder why someone who gets paid money thought it was.  Trust me, it's very entertaining and we never run out of material.

They have the same pursed lips.
Maybe Farrah is the Lost
Kardashian.  Now THAT
would be news!
First up, Kourtney Kardashian and 'Teen Mom' star, Farrah Abraham.  Farrah trashed Kourtney on Twitter about being unmarried and pregnant again.  Really?  Unmarried teen mother is criticizing an adult who chose to have a baby out of wedlock?  She is clearly unfamiliar with the pot/kettle thing.  If that wasn't unworthy enough, Kourtney felt compelled to respond and a Twitter war broke out, with Kourtney's boyfriend Scott piping in. Whistles all around for the reporter, both women and Kourt's baby daddy.  This is so Not News and it's not even interesting.  Maybe if teen mom was having Scott's baby it would be a little interesting, but even then...

Apparently, more important than the fact that Herman Cain is not particularly well-spoken and he cheats on his wife is that he quotes from Pokemon.  Pokemon 2000 the movie to be exact.  Despite the Not News nature of the story, one does have to wonder how Herm comes to be quoting Pokemon.  This is too stupid even for a whistle.  I am giving it an eye roll and wishing Herm good luck now that he has more time on his hands to watch Pokemon.

In Michigan, they do not like gay apparel.  That is correct, no gay apparel allowed.  The Cherry Knoll Elementary School changed the words to 'Deck the Halls' so that the kids would not sing the word gay.  There were some 1st and 2nd graders giggling at the word gay, so the teacher changed the words to say "don we now our bright apparel.  The school's Facebook page (yes FB page) was inundated with complaints about the change.  Seems the people in Michigan like a little bit of gay apparel, so the music teacher changed it back.  It's good world hunger has been solved so that reporters have time to report on stuff like this.  To sum that up for you:  teacher was fed up with silliness, changed the words to a song to solve problem.  Bedlam ensued and the original wording was reinstated.  Definitely Not News.

Fox News gives new meaning
to the phrase
Communist Pig
Let's see, what else is completely Not News...oh, I know!  Fox News says that The Muppets are Communists. They don't think too much of the movie Cars 2 either.  These movies are turning your kids against capitalism.  That's an odd assessment if you ask me.  Doesn't the movie industry charge a lot of money for you to see their movies?  And with kids' movies isn't there a lot, LOT, of merchandising stuff that goes along with the movie that your child cannot live without?  Isn't that capitalism?  Or does Fox News think only a communist would sell a stuffed pig dressed as a fancy movie star?  You can think on that awhile and get back to me.

When I read the plethora of Not News stories I am usually struck by the fact that there are people out there earning a living writing about this stuff and they aren't even doing it in a mocking way.  They are writing like this stuff is newsworthy or has a point.  What I want to know is where can I sign up?  I could write about stupid stuff all day.  How hard can it be to report on information that is of no use to the outside world and barely of any interest or use to the people it's happening to?  I could absolutely come up with 500 words on why I have been know to throw out socks once the pile of unmatched ones gets too big.

Hey!  My eye stopped twitching.  I was cured by other people's stupidity.  Awesome.  A cure that has an endless supply.


  1. I would LOVE to see you write Not News and be paid. I'm sure I would find it equally entertaining as your posts here. :)
    If you don't get a gig writing Not News, maybe you could get your own reality show. I mean, they hand those out to anyone who asks, right? I would actually watch yours, so keep me posted.

  2. Jolie, I would probably have to get pregnant with Justin Beiber's baby to get a reality show and I am not sure I can swing that. :)

  3. My question is... Why were 1st and 2nd graders giggling at 'gay' apparel? -2 to Michigan for little kids knowing what 'gay' (sexual) means, but not 'gay' (bright and happy) means. They're just kids for crying out loud! I don't even think my son knows about 'black' people... they're just people. And if he has to describe someone he uses words like 'that dark-skinned guy'.

  4. Also, -2 to Herman Cain for quoting Pokemon without being a Pokemon fan. Don't try to run for President again, because all of the Pokemon fans will be old enough to vote by then, and they will remember....

  5. And the cure for eye-twitching is FREE!


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