Tuesday, December 20, 2011

And Good Will Towards Men

I am getting the sense that not everyone gets that whole peace on earth and spirit of the holiday thing.  On Black Friday we had people tasering each other and pepper spraying each other.  Apparently that is the 21st century way of saying "Excuse me, but I think I saw that item first and am going to purchase it."  Unless said item is the secret potion that will save your child from turning into a teenager, what's with all the nasty?  You are really going to fight someone to win the right to spend money?

Who do you think would be
more pissed off by this,
Jesus or Santa?
We also have some folks in Virginia who, insisting they are only asserting their first amendment right to free speech, are completely badgering and annoying their more serious and religious neighbors.  Now, before I tell you about them, I want to say that I thought the display was silly, not offensive, but I can see how someone would take offense.  And, since the display is there purely to vex others, I don't think that it's very nice.  Honestly, what message do you feel you just have to share that is expressed through a crucified skeleton Santa? I know, at first reading, that kind of sounds funny.  This group also included in their display a nativity scene and two tributes to the Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.  

Did I mention these displays are on the Loudoun County Courthouse lawn?  Yeah, it seems that the way the courthouse decorates for the holidays is to let the public do it on a first-come, first-served basis.  Getting your permit request in first is the only requirement.  Shall we skip over the part that a government office is decorating their grounds with Christmas decor which will get us into a whole separation of church and state conversation?  Let's just stick to the lack of holiday spirit it shows to decorate in a way that you know will offend people, just for the purpose of offending them.

Oh yeah, the people in protest of Crucified Skeleton Santa tore him down.  When CSS was put back up, the protesters tore him down again and decapitated him.  There was no word on any damage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster display.  Ahhhhhh, I can feel the good will oozing through that community from here.

It doesn't make a girl feel
pretty to be told she
looks like a man.
Also showing a ton of Christian and holiday spirit was Natalie Johnson who worked at the Macy's in San Antonio, Texas.  I say "worked" because Macy's fired her nasty ass.  In the spirit of love and kindness, Natalie followed a teenage "female" into the dressing room and insisted that the teen was really a man and couldn't be in said dressing room.  The teen insisted she was female, as did her friends.  The next day the manager told Natalie that Macy's doesn't make it their business to confirm people's gender and that people can go into whatever dressing room matches the way they identify themselves.  Natalie said she would not adhere to that policy and was fired.

I heard a rumor that while Natalie, the self-appointed gender checker, was hassling the teen who was going into a dressing room where no one was going to see what parts she had, $12,000 in merchandise was stolen from the department where Natalie was actually supposed to be.  (Okay, maybe I didn't hear that, but it could be true).

The absolute best part of this is that a conservative Christian law firm is now filing a complaint on Natalie's behalf with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.  Nice.  They are claiming that Macy's violated Natalie's religious beliefs, which do not allow her to acknowledge transgender people. I think you know that I am using my whistle.  And, I am including a smack (and the use of the stun gun if the Party would just let me have one).  

I don't see why people can't be all holiday-ish and jolly and sunshine-y, like me.  For example, do you see me being rude to the security person at the high school?  No.  I am sweet as pie even though she never recognizes me even though for the last two years I have been in that school a million times.  And am the co-president of the PTA.  And always say hello and ask how she is.  Oh, and I keep telling her who I am.  I am not the least bit mean to her.  I just hand her chocolate covered pretzels for the holiday and pretend not to notice that she is giving me that look that shows that she wonders why a stranger is giving her candy.

I found another person who is also very giving.  Trent Arsenault from Fremont California.  Trent gives his sperm away for free (rather than charge) to women who want it so they can have a baby.  Trent has a sperm donor-friendly diet and a website if any of you want to get in touch.  You will want to get in touch quickly, however. The FDA is trying to shut Trent down or make him comply with federal manufacturing regulations.  No, I am not lying.  You know I could not make this stuff up.  Well, I mean I could, but why would I?  I like to use my powers for good.  Anyway, the FDA, clearly having no life-saving drugs to look into getting approved, has been trying to put Trent out of business for the last two years.  I think we have a Santa-Grinch thing going on here.  Yes, I am aware it's probably a little odd of Trent to be staging his own Occupy The Planet movement, (like our friends the Duggers), but still.  Everyone is happy.  Except for the FDA/ The Grinch.

"You mo fos can kiss my ass
if you think I can't be
the effin' president."
True quote - I swear.
Lastly, because you know I like us to be cosmopolitan and know stuff, I want to tell you that everyone may get an extra special holiday present.  Sarah Palin has said it is not too late for her to decide to run for president in the 2012 election.  I am not sure if that is supposed to be a threat or a promise.  I believe she was  quoted as saying "Gosh, I mean I could totally beat a mitt and a newt, those aren't even people."  She also felt that Michele Bachmann was no real worry since she probably had a lot of responsibility back at the pretzel factory.  Also, now is a good time for Sarah to run because she currently does not have any pregnant children or new books out about her and she needs to drum up some new attention.  Wait, did not that not sound holiday spirit-y of me?


  1. If it makes you feel any better, at the beginning of the 6th year of my volunteering at my sons' school, a teacher told me where to go into the building and how to get a pass if I was coming to volunteer. Please note....she has not and will never teach my children....and is not getting any pretzels from me. :) Thanks for the post. Funny as usual!

  2. Thank you for finding proof that there are morons among us. I mean more than I already thought. It's almost time to move into a cave to save myself, I just know it.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you get an air horn for the bigger dopes that I'm sure 2012 will bring.


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