Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Up the Down Staircase

Clutter-free staircase
= good children.

As promised, we will be discussing the inability of anyone who lives here (besides me) to carry anything up the steps.  I guess it's not so much the inability as it is the insistence by them that they were unaware of the need for anything to go upstairs.

"How so" you may ask?  Let me give you a for instance.  I will use the boy (15) as my example, but girl (13) or husband (44) would work as well (please note that ages are given to show that these people are all old enough to know better).  Picture, if you will, a pile of boy child's sweatshirts on the first step (at the bottom).  Boy walks by shirts, up steps, down hallway and into his room.

Me: (yelling up from downstairs) "Boy!  Why didn't you take your shirts with you?"

Boy:  (coming back towards me part of the way) "What shirts?"

Me: "The pile of shirts you had to practically climb over to go up the steps."

Boy: "Oh, those."  (suddenly remembering he may have seen something shirt-like in passing)

Now, my favorite part...

Boy: "I didn't know you wanted those to go upstairs."

Me:  standing there refusing to answer.

Boy:  "What?" (accompanied by look of confusion)

Me:  "Really?  You didn't know I wanted them to go upstairs?  That's your answer?"

Boy:  "Yes."

Me:  "Why else would they be there except to go upstairs?  Is there a scenario you can think of where I would go in your room, get a pile of shirts, bring them most of the way downstairs, leave them on the step and then just go on with my day?"

Boy:  "I don't know.  So, should I come get them?"

I usually walk away at that point and hear child come get shirts, grumbling, as if 'I' am the problem.  And like I said, it could be his sister or father I am having this conversation with.  Obviously, it's more annoying when it's with my husband.  He thinks he's being cute and funny when he says it, hoping to distract me with his charm.  THIS IS WHY I NEED A WHISTLE.

Notice upside down dead
fish.  This is what
my daughter's friend's fish
looked like before the end of
day one.  Bahahaha!
I mentioned my daughter's desperate plea for a fish yesterday as well.  By desperate, I mean while she was at the pet store with some friends and one of the moms, she URGENTLY texts me begging to get a fish.  The others are.  She has money.  She'll pay for it.  She'll take care of it.  I won't have to do a thing.  She means it.  She promises.  She doesn't see why not.  She doesn't think I am funny at all (when I said I just bought her boots, pretend those are fish).  I don't make any sense, it's not like she's asking me to do anything.  Thankfully, I was with some friends during this and got to share all the fun I was having.  We laughed and laughed.

Don't feel too badly for her and her lack of fish.  When she was 9 she really wanted a turtle.  We got a turtle and all kazillion dollars worth of turtle crap.  We ended up giving it away.  All the kids had to do was change the water and give the turtle lettuce every day.  That was too taxing, especially once it was discovered that the turtle wasn't actually any fun.  Do we really need to play the same game with the fish?

I am currently operating on a trade-out program here.  I can only keep four things alive at a time.  Right now, that is our family of four.  If we get a pet, someone's gotta go.  And, as tempting as that is some days, I would feel bad to bring home a pet and then leave everyone (you didn't think I was going to stay and take care of the pet did you).


  1. Strangely, you left out the part about the DEAD turtle that you put in the freezer until such a day as the earth would miraculously open up and you could drop it in and say a prayer. You also didn't mention it to the babysitter who graciously stayed overnight at your house. When such babysitter went to open the bag with the bagel in it...!!!!
    How much more damage can a fish do???
    Love, Mom

  2. Yup, been there and done that. I guess addicts and alcoholics aren't the only ones that need to learn a 12 step program!
    Cuz Susan

  3. Love, love, love <3 <3 <3
    Love the stairs commentary. In our house, the only thing carried UPstairs is messy food/beverages that crumbles/spills on the beds/carpeting. Everything else comes DOWNstairs, but is "too HEAVY" to carry back up, what with gravity cruelly working against them and all.
    Love your suggestion to pretend the boots are fish. You REALLY need to be writing a parenting book. I am not kidding.
    Finally, LOVE how I knew we could count on your mom to bring up the turtle in the freezer :) (She thought she was getting a frozen bagel! Bahahaha! Susan, couldn't you just *pretend* the turtle was a bagel?)
    Thank you for the 4 AM entertainment; you almost make my jet lag fun!
    xoxo - KMC

  4. You are awesome! Since I don't have stairs in my apartment, my equivalent tales would be about the trash bags that are moved from in front of the main exit to the home before exiting, instead of picking them up and carrying them out to the dumpster on the way out. OR, the clothes that are moved OFF the bed onto the futon instead of being put in their proper place before getting into said bed.

    I am totally loving (and relating) to your stories! Keep it up!

  5. :) I really enjoyed this post! Took me back to the days of the hamster-that-would-not-die-and-no-kid-was-even-slightly-interested-in-him. And the beta fish that died while my friend was housesitting and she felt so bad she wanted to buy a replacement and I said NO, I will give you a present for finally getting that fish out of my life and the kids NEVER NOTICED that the fish was gone.
    Have lived with the stair issue as well. I do love reading your blog!

  6. Love this one! Our turtle was a rabbit! Since the ones that hop around in the backyard are so cute, wouldn't it be fun to have one of them in the house all the time! NOT! so the rabbit arrived thanks to Daddy. and was gone in a month thanks to Mommy. Funny thing about rabbits, turtles, etc... they don't feed or take care of themselves. So it was me or the rabbit. The six other members of my family voted for me very reluctantly. Oh and our fish was dead for six months before they even realized it was gone! Try having your children throw their dirty wash down the basement steps, then proceed to ask me why II did that? I was informed that it is very dangerous when they are walking down the steps!!!! You can't win going up or down!

  7. Oh, how this post resonates with me! My offspring also suffer from the same Climacoclothesaphobia. Thankfully, my bedroom is downstairs, so I don't have to worry about getting up or down our stairs every day, or I'd probably be in traction from all the broken bones incurred.

    As for the pet parade, it was I who begged the Husband Fixture for a dog. I needed SOMEONE that would listen to me around here. And he does--well, mostly.

  8. My son is only four, but he insists that we get a dog. Luckily, since he only four, me saying no was good enough to keep him at bay for a while. His response though was "When I grow up and have a job, I'm going to buy a dog. I'm going to buy a dog and pizza. You can't say no!"

    Love your posts! Love your mom's comments too!

  9. And thanks for not mentioning who really killed the 1st turtle!!! ;)

  10. It's an epidemic, this staircase thing (but unlike the yellow/brown problem that Vincent's got, no one seems particularly interested in a cure).

    While I adore my DoodleDog parade (for which I serve as Grand Marshal every. damn. day.), I too have an agreement that I have a limit on keeping things alive. Mine is: I'm in charge of two legged humans. Husband is *supposed* to handle the rest.

    Not unlike children and their promises of animal care, Husband's too spin a wicked web.

    Guess who jams pills down dogs throats?

    When push comes to shove, sister, go for the fish.

  11. @KMC: NO!

    Donkey's turtle was a guinea pig named Minky b/c he was dark brown. Minky's grandmother would sit in the back yard and try to make him act like a dog...which he wouldn't. He was in place of the dog I wouldn't get, but he too was soon gone.
    Donkey's brother, who always wanted a dog, grew up, got married and finally got his dog...who bit his baby and was sent to a farm.
    I think we're all caught up now.
    Love, Mom

  12. Why is there a wheelchair symbol next to the funny word you have to type to get your comment posted?

  13. Susan, in case you are blind, click on the wheelchair and it will read it to you. ;)
    I have the same stairs, 3 boys, and a dog. Apparently I can keep 6 things alive at one time, so far anyway. Who knew? Pass the Xanax.

  14. This story never even happened! How can people believe a woman who condones child abuse in one of her blog posts. She's clearly the meanest mother ever. Love, Boy

  15. Editor's note - the above comment was up when I got home from errands today.

    Please make note that yesterday I bought the boy new shirts - which he left on the steps when he went up to bed last night. Just saying.

  16. OMG! I am dying! Especially about the frozen turtle. In re items on stairs ... you could try what I did with my ex-husband. Two chances to get items to the rightful place then IN THE TRASH.

  17. DTC, you should inform the boy that you are not, in fact, the meanest mother ever... You *could* be blogging about his private life and girlfriends, after all. When you talk about him the way I talk about The Idiot, then maybe I'll feel sorry for him. But probabaly not! ;)

  18. OMG! There are new pants on my steps right now, and just happened.... Boy #2: "Mom, I was going to put those pants in my room, but you will need to wash them first because they are stiff and smell funny" Me: "So, do you think they will get washed on the stairs, in the bag?" Boy #2: "I don't know what your laundry plans are." as he shrugs and walks away. It's a good thing he's kinda cute....


Popular Posts