Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Find The Problem

It's a new game I've started.  If you want to figure it out yourself, look at the pictures first, then read.  Essentially, I have noticed that seemingly innocuous things are not and am trying to do a public service by bringing them to people's attention.  Think of it as a PSA.  You're welcome.

Wait until crazy
Victoria Jackson gets
wind of this.  She will
be back on Fox News

 in a heartbeat!
So, first item.  What we have here seems to be a seemingly pleasant, festive Barnes & Noble holiday bookmark.  Or is it?  As some of you may remember, way back when, I mentioned my issues with the most recent Starbucks logo.  It's a mermaid with her tail/legs spread and she's holding them up over her head.  What I see when I look at this bookmark is that Barnes & Noble is running some sort of brothel somewhere in the back of the cafe.  You don't get that?  Just so you know, the CIA or Secret Service is never going to come looking to enlist your help with national security if you can't read between the lines with stuff like this.

Let's take it from the top.  Starbucks name isn't even mentioned, so it's really only an assumption that we are talking about Starbuck's coffee.  What I see are the words "We Proudly Serve" and then the picture of the pornographic mermaid.  Right below that, it says "Visit our cafe."  So, clearly the first half of this bookmark is secret code for what you can "really" get back in the cafe.

I think the bottom half might be even more disturbing.  We have the logo again.  Then we are told that this Christmas Blend coming from the mermaid is spicy and sweet.  Okay. Under the mermaid's spread tail/legs is an ice skater with her face turned up like she's waiting for whatever's coming out of there.  And, whatever you might think is coming out of the mermaid, the guy ice skater has a steaming hot cup of it.  Ew.  This is just not the wholesome holiday bookmark Barnes & Noble would have you believe it is.

I honestly cannot believe there has not been some conservative uprising over this or mention of it during the GOP debates.  Really!  No one is going to mention pornography being given out willy nilly, but it's important to focus on gay marriage as if it is an actual national emergency?  I just do not understand people.

When I came up with my new game I know I had a second picture in mind.  Now, for the life of me I can't remember what it was.  I'm looking at the crap all over my desk and nothing is jumping out.  Perplexing/alarming.

There is not a picture for this, but on November's Men's Health cover one of the headlines says "Gym-Free Abs" in big giant letters.  Um, hello?  Do I need an article for that?  I already have gym-free abs and I didn't have to read a thing.  Don't these magazines have editors/stupid-story checkers?

In VERY exciting other news - I got a package in the mail today.  It was my purple rubber STFU bracelets!!  I mentioned I thought it would be a cool idea (If You Are Easily Distrac...Wait, What?) and many of you whole-heartedly agreed.  I tried to figure out how we could actually get away with wearing STFU bracelets since they are not necessarily appropriate for all occasions/venues.  So, I went with the blind embossed STFU and on the other side I spelled out what it meant.  "See That Fun Unicorn."  I felt that really spoke to the rainbows and sunshine that we are over here.  I hope you all actually want in on our private joke and want these bracelets.  You know why I hope that?  Because I have 200.  

You really would not believe
the number of obscene
rainbow/unicorn selections
there were.  WTF?!
The reason why I have 200 probably speaks to why our economy is in such bad shape.  We have morons running things.  25 bracelets and 50 bracelets were both more money than buying 100 bracelets.  AND, if you bought 100, they gave you 100 free.  How does this make any sense?  I get the whole thing that sometimes selling in bulk is more cost-effective for the company, but why the 100 extra?  I am not even good at math and I know that is stupid.

So, if you would like a bracelet (or 2 or 3) send me an e-mail (donkeystocollege@aol.com) with your name and address and I will send you one (or 2 or 3).  And, in what is clearly an ironic twist given my previous 2 paragraphs, I am giving the bracelets away for free.  Yes, free.  They were pretty inexpensive and the stamp to send me money would cost more than the bracelet, so I am giving them rather than selling them to anyone who was as amused as I was and wants one (or 2 or 3 - I said I had 200, right).


  1. I agree about the porny mermaid. And I DEFINITELY want a bracelet!

  2. Love it. hysterical, as usual.

  3. You can bring mine to bowling.

    You are aware, however, that sending them to people will cost you more money, right?

    I will look into the TMFT bracelet for you.


  4. This is fabulous! Can't wait to get my bracelet!

  5. That was the same thing I thought when I first saw the new Starbucks logo - very porny indeed. I would love a bracelet! Sending you an email now...

  6. Yes please, I'd like a bracelet. I'll even come and pick it up, or you can come for a hot cup of porno coffee.

    By the way, I LOL-ed so loud, I think I woke the neighbors....see-that-fun-unicorn my ass!

  7. To me the "Starbucks" bookmark looks like the guy skater is about to "Nancy Kerrigan" her. Maim a competitor, then have an awesome cup of coffee to celebrate!

    My bracelet request is on its way.

  8. Hm.. interesting explanation for that image/bookmark.
    I should start to look more closely at things as well..
    I am sure there is more craziness out there.

    Oh, and by the way: I just sent you an email requesting a bracelet. :)

  9. I already sent an email for a bracelet, but I forgot to mention something about the starbucks logo. I never before had cause to think I may be a little more innocent than most, but I always thought she was dual-wielding codfish (although wth that has to do with COFFEE is beyond me, which is why I'd never go into marketing - I don't deal well with idiots), not her own fishtaillegs. I feel slightly dirty now. Amused, but dirty.


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