Monday, June 4, 2012

The World Isn't Ending, So There's That

Unless the zombies are
 going to sing and dance,
 I'm not interested.
The Mayans and that old guy have both been wrong about the world ending, so you know, that's good and all. But, there does seem to be the tiniest little glitch in that we may or may not be having a zombie apocalypse.  Yes, I am talking about that freak from Florida who ate the homeless guy's face.  Ate.  His face.  For no reason at all.  And then, didn't react to the first bullet that police hit him with.  It took a second one to kill him.  No one seems to have much information on the guy and toxicology reports are pending.

I have this uneasy feeling, by the way you hear people talking, that there are those who are entertaining the notion that this guy could have been an actual zombie and we'll know for sure when the reports come back.  Sigh.  And whistle.  He's not a zombie!  There's really not too much mystery here.  We have a man who got naked and decided to snack on some sleeping homeless guy.  Really think about how hard it would be to bite off pieces of a person's face and then eat them.  This is our big clue friends.  We either have regular psychotic bat crap crazy or drug-induced psychotic bat crap crazy.

If this is not enough, there is a college student (Morgan State University) accused of killing his roommate and then eating his heart and brain.  Do you think the roommate always knew this guy was off?  There are no details of how/why this happened.  What kind of reporting is that, btw?  Note to self, I think I will suggest to Boy that he not apply there next year.  Why court trouble?

In an attempt to avoid public panic, the CDC has issued a statement denying the existence of zombies.  This article is a good wrap-up of the disgusting recent events and gives an informative description of what a zombie is.  One does have to wonder, however, how the CDC has time to stop real work and address this.  Why is anyone in any kind of official capacity lending credence to the ridiculous idea that there could be zombies?  Will they next be announcing there are no vampire, monsters or werewolves?

I notice the sign didn't use
any pictures of babies
flying around the highway.
For those of you who might be thinking that all of this hideous behavior is due to hard drugs and think that if you only smoke pot you are safe.  Think again.  Catalina Clouser of Phoenix admits to smoking pot before she put her baby on top of her car and drove away.  Seems that, in the few seconds between putting her baby down and opening her car door, she forgot about the baby.  Thankfully, the baby is completely fine despite flying off the car and landing in an intersection.  We don't want to be too harsh with Catalina since she didn't drive drunk and she did strap the baby into the car seat.  She didn't even try (in zombie-like fashion) to eat any of her baby's fingers or toes.  She's practically mother of the year.

Hey!  Wait a minute!  Maybe
there is such a thing as zombies!
Here is some more scary news, albeit less bloody and gruesome.  The Jacksons are going out on tour again!  I know!!  Pourquoi??  I loved the Jackson 5 and even the 1980s Jacksons as much as the next person, but I don't think this tour is going to go into the win column.  Without Michael, none of these guys have been able to maintain a music career for more than 5 minutes at a time.  Jermaine had the longest go of it, but even he couldn't pull it off.  Plus, I am boycotting him anyway.  One, he had/still has a jheri curl long past when anyone was still desperately clinging to it.  Two, he named one of his children Jermajesty.  Yes, that gets a whistle.  Oh, and I just looked him up on Wikipedia and apparently he (Jermaine) is also known as Mohammad Abdul Aziz.  Known to whom?  Before I just told you, pretty sure the only person who knew about it was the person who submitted it to Wikipedia.  And maybe Jermaine.

Handy Summary
1.  World not currently ending.  Don't quit your job just yet.  Or sell your kids' stuff.
2.  There is something wrong with some people.  Really wrong.
3.  There is no such thing as zombies.  The government is not really sure you get that.
4.  If you do actually want to see the Jacksons they'll be at the Borgota in AC on June 29th.
5.  Cee Lo Green is not a zombie, but we really have to discuss him next time.


  1. Ah, but on the other hand, the CDC has also posted a Zombie Preparedness Plan....

    1. That is true, they have. But, I am pretty sure it is part of a departmental inside joke at our expense.

    2. "departmental inside joke"


  2. I'm thinking your whistle is not doing justice - you need to move on to something bigger and LOUDER. Something that will knock these numbskulls off their feet...maybe the horn from a cruise ship?? I'll help figure out a way to bottle it and send it to them. No worries, you can label it for what it is as they're going to open it without question. Thank you for the warning of the dude eating people's faces. I'll try harder to avoid homelessness.

  3. In an article I read regarding the CDC compaign stated that they were doing it to try and reach more people. Everything the outlined for the "zombie" plan could be applied to various types of disasters. They admit that it's not really real, but the zombie plan had more hits than any other point on their website. So I guess it's good. It is educating people that normally wouldn't even have looked at something like that.

  4. The marijuana billboard joke was just too funny.


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