Thursday, June 28, 2012

Tantrums and Tiaras

Apparently, even some toddlers
need to be Photoshopped.
I am totally going to be rich with my new idea!  And, if you see this on TV and I'm not rich, then someone stole my idea and you can all be my witnesses when we drag their stealing asses into court!  But, I jump ahead a little.

After yet another article about TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras, I realized what the real problem is.  Hold onto your hat for this one - these little kid beauty contests are stupid and ridiculous.  I know that sounds kind of obvious, but it's the why they are stupid and ridiculous that gave me my brilliant idea.

Why are we saying that the best and prettiest kids are ones who are dressed up to look like miniature adults?  Why are we spray tanning these children and giving them hair extensions?  Further, these parents spend more money than the kid can even win for each of the competitions.  Lesson for the kids?  If you wear enough make-up and "fix" everything about yourself and participate in endless, mind-numbing, non-child friendly activities, then you'll be the best and people will love and admire you?

Enter my idea for a contest that will make me rich when I get my own TV show and will actually be something that will show who the best child really is and teach the children involved things they can actually use in life, like patience and kindness.  I have to tell you, I would not be surprised if I get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.

Re-Vamped Toddler Beauty/Talent Contest

Ability to Stay Calm
Child will tested to see if she can avoid screaming and/or freaking out during progressively difficult challenges.  Last child to foam at the mouth wins.
Examples of challenges:
Promising child ice cream but then telling her that it's too close to dinner and she'll have to wait until after.
Child will be told her favorite color shirt is available, but then told it was a mistake.
Child will get to watch the beginning of a TV show but then be told she has to go to bed and watch the rest another day.

Winner - Loser
Further points lost for
Ability to Stay Clean
Child will be given an array of items to work with.  Last child to ruin her clothing wins.
Examples of challenges:
Child will be given a bowl of cereal and milk and a teaspoon.
Child will be given an ice cream sundae with chocolate ice cream and fudge.
Child will be given paints, brushes, paper, but no smock (just like school).

Ability to Be Polite
Child will interact in different ways with adults and children.  They cannot say or do anything that makes that person cringe, cry or flee. Extra points if they make the person smile or feel welcomed.
Examples of challenges/ disqualifying responses:
Child is introduced by her parent to an adult who compliments her outfit.  Child will be disqualified if she stares blankly or asks her mother if they can leave now.
Child is given a clean, beautiful American Girl doll to play with.  A dirty, sticky, snotty younger child will be sent over to ask contestant if she can play with the doll too.  Child will be disqualified if she smacks or shoves said child.  She will be fined additional points if she whacks child with the doll and shrieks "Noooooo!!  Get away, it's minnnneeeee!!!"
Child will be given a gift to unwrap.  Gift will be something that child is already known to have.  Child will be disqualified if she looks over at her parent with a look of disdain and huffs and says "I already have this"!  Further points will be deducted if child tosses said gift to the side and asks "Are there any other presents"?

I am sure it's good for your
kid to blast chemicals into her face.
Beauty/ Appearance
No child will be permitted to participate in contest if:
She is wearing make-up.
She has a tan - spray or real.
She has fake eyelashes or hair extensions.
She is wearing more than her own body weight in tulle.

Good, right?  This would be an awesome competition to watch.  How great would it be to watch some other  person's kid melt down for a change?  How happy would you be to see Smug Mommy defeated when her perfect child hauls off and throws a handful of sand at the sweet younger child who dared to ask for a turn on the swing?  I am telling you, this is pure gold.  I am already picturing all the advertisers who will be flocking to be a part of the show.  Commercials, product placement...I can see my ocean-view beach house already.

Further, if each  town or community ran their own contest, you would know who would make the most ideal playmates for your own child.  This is an especially good thing if your child tends to be snotty or sticky and has a tendency to ask the tidy, seemingly pleasant looking children to play.  Imagine the bruises and hurt feelings you could avoid.  Also, this contest would give you an idea which parents you might want to seek out or avoid.

I think we might leave out
the mother-daughter portion
for our contest.
Please do not worry.  When this takes off I will not forget all of you.  I am lovely that way and would never forget all the little people (ray of sunshine, remember)?  I am planning to invite all of you to act as the rotating cadre of judges.  You guys could all go out in your own towns and hold auditions for our national show.  Honestly, this is a brilliant plan.  It's a win for everyone and no one will ever have to set eyes on a fire baton-twirling, glitter eye shadow wearing, tulle-rific dress wearing child again.  The winner will still get a tiara though, because, well, duh...who doesn't love a tiara?


  1. I'm in love with this idea... and would like to propose a spin-off: a show about parents actually parenting their children instead of handing them a tube of sugar to "keep their energy up". I don't need credit, fame, or fortune... I'll be content just knowing there are some people out there who aren't raising tiny dictators.

  2. This is a super idea! I would watch!

  3. To the contest-winning daughter:

    I think you and I have already perfected this in real life.

    The Perfect Mother

  4. I hope you wore your tiara after writing this post! Perfect!

  5. OH YEAH!!! This is epic! I sat down about a year ago and watched 10 min of the "show" w/my girl and I don't know which of us was more appalled. She is almost 8 and could tell you a dozen reasons why those people are off their rockers. I know, I know, you can't judge a train wreck by only watching 10 minutes...but that's all we could stand.

  6. Love this! I think you are onto something here...

  7. Did you hear that Honey Boo Boo (wtf kind of name is that) is getting her own spin off show?


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