Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Did You Just Meet Me?

Luckily, I do have a blog!!
We went to a Bat Mitzvah* this past Saturday.  It was an extremely fun party that was marred only by The Party's childish behavior.  Before I tell you what happened, let me just say that his version of the story differs from mine and leaves him in a much better light.  Our friend Barbara knows that my version is correct, but she is very nice and doesn't like to cause conflict, so it is unlikely I can get her to formally come forward.  But, she knows I know she knows that my story is the correct one.

The party starts out just fine.  Well, I assume fine.  I assume there was no hidden message that The Party and I and two of our friends were seated with the 20-something cousins.  Yes, essentially we were at the "kid table." On the plus side, this table was closest to the bar.  For some unknown reason Barbara and her husband were seated at an adult table.  Whatever.

I wish you could see how
truly awesome it is, but at
least you get the idea.
Anyway, we are all enjoying ourselves and dancing and eating and drinking.  Then the trouble started.  The DJ had been handing out fun stuff like hats and light-up rings, etc., then out came the magic wands.  Light-up, flashing, multi-colored, beautiful, fiber optic-tipped magic wands.  Luckily, I got one and so did Barb.  The Party did not.  As we are dancing and waving our wands (I really can barely go on here) Party snatches my wand out of my hand and holds it over his head so I can't reach it!  Hello!!  Are you crazy?!?!  Give me back my f*#%ing wand!!  I am then forced to jump up and down trying to grab for it.  For those of you who don't have a clear picture yet, I am wearing fancy dress-up clothes, not my quit-acting-like-a-7th-grader-and-give-me-back-my-wand clothes.  I am sure this was not adding to the air of mystery and sophistication that usually surrounds me.

Suddenly, Barbara decides she and I need a drink.  She whacks my wand-grabbing hand (PS - ow) and grabs me and off we go to the bar leaving Party to play with his wand by himself (not that wand - we are out in public remember).  Completely out of character, Barb tells the bartender we want shots of vodka.  Bartender says they are not serving shots (what kind of party is this).  Without even skipping a beat, Barb says, we'll have two vodka on the rocks (she is so smart).  The bartender goes to make them (with a puss I might add) and I fake whisper to Barb "minus the rocks."  Well, we are wildly amused by ourselves.  The bartender?  Not amused.  He then gives us the 2 smallest vodka on the rocks ever. Ev-er.  About and inch of ice and and half-inch of vodka.  Not wanting to start trouble, we just eye him and go to walk away.

Right at this time The Party strolls up to the bar and orders vodka on the rocks.  Seeing the tail end of what happened to us, he is only too happy to show us his grown-up size vodka on the rocks (obviously the bartender hates women).  At this point I say "Shut up and just give me back my wand."  You should sit down for this next part.  Party says "I gave it away.  I didn't think you wanted it."  I know!!!  My jaw dropped too.  I am still stunned when I repeat it.  What do you mean you didn't think I wanted it?!?!  First off, was I not just jumping up and down trying to get it back?  Secondly, what in the 25 years Party has known me would lead him to believe I, under any circumstances, wouldn't want that or any other magic light-up wand?  It's like he doesn't know me at all.  The only thing that would have made me want that wand more was if it had a whistle attached to it.

...and the kingdom
breathed a
sigh of relief.
Just to ease your mind,  the bat mitzvah girl's special day was not ruined by bloodshed or divorce.  The Party disappeared for a few minutes and then returned with a wand.  He said he got it from someone else.  Based on his previous behavior that night, I can only assume he snatched it out of the hands of some child, but that is not my problem.  I don't think he actually got me another wand because he felt bad about giving my original wand away, I think he just sensed that his future health and happiness were in jeopardy.  But, as long as I ended up with a magic wand, I don't really care about the details.

*Bat Mitzvah / Bar Mitzvah: for any of you who might not know what I am talking about, here is the Reader's Digest version:  In Judaism, during Shabbat (Sabbath) services on Saturday mornings, a portion from the Torah is read each week.  It is considered an honor to read from the Torah and it is only given to Jewish adults.  A bar/bat mitzvah is when a child turns 13 and is considered (religiously) an adult.  After months of preparation and practice they help lead the service and get the honor of reading from the Torah for the first time.  It is a very big religious milestone.  The accomplishment is usually followed by a celebration.  These celebrations range from casual to extravagant depending on what the family wants and what is the local custom.  What I have written about took place during the party.  I don't want you to think this kind of thing goes on during services at synagogue.  Of course, if people did think that, I bet a lot more people would come to synagogue.

As is our custom around here, I want to point out that since the above paragraph can count as either a learning experience or an adult conversation, you should feel free to act smug and condescending to those around you since you have been spending your time wisely, not merely fooling around on the internet.


  1. You never cease to amaze/amuse me.

  2. Kinda wish I was at the bat mitzvah....I would have held the party while you smacked and pinched him for his violations against your magic wand. You needed more back-up.

  3. I hope you whacked him across the head with the wand after he brought it to you. And also blew your whistle in his ear. For being an asshat.

  4. Shots of vodka and light up magic wands . . . that sounds like my kind of party. All I have is a box full of used butterfly wands and those are not nearly as exciting.

    1. you mean you have to use your imagination to make them fun without the help of vodka? interesting... ;)

  5. How did I miss this??? Hilarious! And the bartender deserves a big smack and whistle. I have never been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah and am jealous over all the fun I am missing! Bc xoxo

  6. I never stoop to bouncing up and down (unless I have already imbibed COPIOUS amounts of booze already). Anyone in my family will tell you that when my voice goes down by about 10 decibels and gets a little growly, there is about to be bloodshed, and EVERYONE should REALLY start to consider cooperating. Right. Effing. NOW. And then mom is happy again. Well, happy enough not to leave bloody testicles on the dance floor, anyway.

    Your husband is a very lucky man.

    1. Hah! And these people think *I* am difficult/scary/mean!! They don't know how good they have it! :)

      (please note this is said in admiration of you).

    2. I do love the after-note, as if I know where you live. Hehehehe.

  7. Who steals someone's amazing, light up wand?! That's just mean! :)

  8. Sounds as though The Party should expect to come home one day and find that his golf clubs/bowling ball/autographed rock star tee has been "given away". Yeah, I play like that.

  9. Heehehehehehehe :)
    The Party needs a good WHACK!!!


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