Thursday, May 10, 2012

Some People Need Their Asses Kicked

Obviously, it kind of goes without saying that the title is like an ultimate Universal Truth.  My problem (current problem) is that sometimes people seem to go above and beyond the expected level of annoying and stupid.  How are the rest of us expected to remain calm and zen-like?

As you know, the prevalence of Not News is a personal annoyance, but things have gotten much worse lately.  Add that to my family's own inability to cooperate, and what you have is my long list of people/things that are in desperate need of a whistle, smack and kick in the ass.  I would say they needed to be stun gunned, but as you know, The Party is still blocking me from obtaining one of those.  But, he can't stop be from using my feet, now can he?  So ha to you Party.

It's tough to look
good when you're
young and rich.
Currently topping my list of people I'd like to cast an incredulous look at and flick in the forehead is the person who created the article in the May 7th People magazine entitled "Not a Drop of Makeup."  Among the stars of varying ages was Paris Jackson.  Yes, Michael Jackson's 14-year-old-daughter.  Um, first of all - not a star.  Secondly, she's 14!!!  Are we supposed to be impressed that she's beautiful without makeup!  WTF?  Let me see her when she's 54.  Why is she in this photo spread?  Even worse though - she's wearing makeup in the picture!!  I guess not foundation or blush, but she has on mascara and eyeliner and some lip gloss.  Hello!  That counts as makeup.

In the same magazine there was an ad for the TV show Dallas, which is apparently coming back on the air.  Please note in the picture I have posted that Linda Gray looks pretty good.  She may have had work done, or been Photoshopped, but I think she looks alright/normal.  Now let's turn our attention to Larry Hagman.  I believe Larry is 109, so it's almost certain he's been Photoshopped or embalmed or something because he looks relatively well.  What's alarming in nature here are Larry's eyebrows.  Yes, go take a closer look.  You are telling me that whoever was in charge of this photo shoot or ad thought curling and gelling those bad boys was the way to go over trimming them?  I mean, Good Lord!  You could braid those babies!  And, if for whatever reason they couldn't get Larry to agree to be de-caterpillared, that is what Photoshop is for!

Do you see!?!?
Oh wait!!  Know what else they should have used Photoshop for?  How about Linda Gray's scary, deformed, monster hand?  When I noticed that, it took my mind right off Larry's eyebrows.  That thing looks almost like a monster foot.  When Dallas went off the air originally, was there some sort of accident Sue Ellen had that I don't recall?  I am so freaked out and don't know how someone is not losing their job over this picture.

Let's see, what else is pressing?  We have an outcry about too much side boob among the celeb set.  I know, I was just thinking about that too.  I mean after I clicked on the article to see what the heck they were talking about.  Seems there are those who think maybe Mischa Barton had too much side boob showing in the dress pictured.  Why is that the issue?  Isn't the issue that someone took a regular dress and cut it up and tied it in weird places?  After discussing Mischa there were then pictures of other celebs who were side boobing it.  I have including the one whose dress I felt had something of a design flaw.

Jeepers H. Christmas!  Anne
Hathaway has to be getting
one hell of a breeze through
there.  Mischa's dress looks
Amish in comparison.
And, because I always usually occasionally like to include matters of a serious and important nature, I will tell you about the serious/smart people whose asses need to be kicked.  Long story short.  British Museum in London and the First Colony Foundation are wetting their pants over the discovery of a map that is 425 years old because it might have clues that tell them where a gang of settlers went who disappeared from North Carolina's Roanoke Island in the late 16th century.  Seems people in every generation for the last 400 years have trying to figure out where these people went.  Now, they have figured out another piece of the puzzle through the finding of this map.  Sigh.  Hello!  Those people are dead, you probably don't need to keep looking for them.  We are not talking about finding the missing Mayan culture here.  And PS, they still haven't found these settler and it's been over 400 years.  Let me just put it out there that if I ever go missing please don't ask either of these groups to try to help find me.  I don't know who's more wacky, historians or scientists (yes I am talking to you Traci, Ms. Argon is an inert gas isn't that so funny).

In closing, I will offer my family some helpful hints to avoid having me open my can of whoop ass in their direction.  Do not ask me/say to me the following things:

1.  I didn't know I was supposed to bring the empty trashcans in.
2.  Do you know where my "pick anything" is?
3.  I didn't hear my phone/ my phone was off/ it was out of battery.
4.  Should I bring up a new milk?  (while holding empty container)
5.  Sorry I forgot  *with an attitude*.  (to bring my lunch/uniform/permission slip for the four millionth time)


  1. Thank you for a wonderful laugh this morning - and I will be here if you need help kicking ass. I agree with your notes on the side boobage, and noticed that Mischa looks like her dress is so short in back that she's trying to hold it to cover her hiney. Obviously side boobage is not her concern. I also promise to not look for you 400 years after you go missing, that's the kind of pal I am. :)

    1. Thanks for the support. :)
      I was dying to see what the back of Mischa's dress looked like just for the same reason.
      While I appreciate your not looking for me 400 years after the fact, perhaps you could help with looking sooner. ;)

  2. I'm going to be laughing about Linda Gray's awkward foot/arm/hand monstrosity all day. It really does look like there was some tragic accident and they had to transplant a foot up in there. From what I understand, f**ked-up looking hands and arms are always the dead giveaway that bad Photoshop work has happened.

  3. I think a monster claw also suggests a nearly obscene amount of work has been done to the face. Not that you want your hands and face to match perfectly, but they should at least give the impression of belonging to the same body! It reminds me of Mrs. Potato Head. Just snap on a different set of lips and you're ready to go!

  4. Our kids might be the same kids. I've never see them together, so....

    FYI, I have begun to charge real American money when I get asked 'where is my' because I immediately turn around and find it in the. most. obvious. place. And I get $5 per find. That's big money with all these losers. (Ha! See what I did there?)

    Happy Mother's Day!

    1. I have actually implemented something similar with my daughter. The next time I have to take her to school or bring something to school, it's costing $5. These children are all beyond ridiculous. be.yond.

  5. One question: are you EVER zen? Really?

    And I'm totally grossed out by the monster hand and eyebrows!

    1. I could be Zen. You don't know. Maybe when I am not on the interweb I am all kum-by-ya and whatnot. It could happen. :)


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