Thursday, February 16, 2012

Boys Are Just Terminally Wrong

There is just something wrong with boys/men/males.  And honestly, it mostly defies explanation (not unlike electricity).  It's amazing that so many of them hold jobs.  It's like they know they have to act normal when they go to work, but they don't see how/why they should do that anywhere else.  Like home, restaurants, bars, beaches, etc.  Nobody is pants-free or has his hand is in his pants all day at work (please God let that be true), but as soon as they get home...and that's just an example of their bizarre behavior.

The fact that they can copy human behavior in the workplace, and for the most part their behavior seem to improve with age, shows that men can learn how to act with the proper guidance and a lot of patience.  As many of you know, the amount of patience required is often more than can be conjured up without the help of liquor and/or jewelry.

This is just the average way
a boy will say "Good Morning, I
like your shirt."
If you are not exactly sure you follow me on this, let me give you an example of how boys are just not right.  When girls are friends with each other, they generally act like they like each other and call each other by their first names.  Apparently, high school and college-age boys (and of course, some older) feel that it is not manly to be so intimate and use first names.  It's last names and insulting nick names only.  I mean obviously, if you call your best friend by his first name, people will think you're gay.

News flash.  No one thinks you're gay.  No one cares if you're gay.  Including gay people.  That being said, it is not necessary to call attention to the fact that your friend is stupid, fat, lazy or bald and come up with a rude nick name.  It's just mean.  Of course, no male people will admit it's mean.  They all pretend they think it's funny and normal.  No woman is going to going to say (loudly, for all to hear) to her friend "Oh my God, I can't believe you're eating more pizza!  You're already fat enough."  Sure, we might talk behind each other's back, but we're not looking to embarrass each other.

This is the fraternity
The Party was in.  All his brothers
were very manly.
I also find it interesting that guys don't worry about people thinking they're gay when they live in a fraternity house with tons of other guys.  All sleeping and showering right on top of each other.  That's not homosexual in any way.  It is, however, questionable to nicely wish your friend good luck on a job interview.  The best you will get from your guy friend is "Try not to screw it up."  Apparently, that means the same as when we women hug each and say "I know you'll do great!"

Other things that are not manly (in the mind of men only): 
* asking for directions/ reading assembly directions
* thoughtfully choosing the group greeting card and getting everyone to sign it
* complimenting another man on anything
* sharing feelings with a close friend (having a close friend at all is questionable)
* not finishing a beer, even if you don't want anymore
* dancing with a group of guys

I know you thought I
was making this up when
I described it.
Another thing wrong about men is the crap they invent.  You know that no woman invented the stupid hat that lets you attach a beer on each side and drink the beer out of a straw.  Ditto the flopping/singing fish wall hanging.  I was recently looking in House Beautiful (a decidedly un-boy-like magazine), and listed under "charming animal-themed accessories" was a speaker you could plug your iPod into.  The speaker was a plastic-looking pig and you plugged the iPod into its ass.  First, what is charming about that?  Second, I bet the editor of that section lost a bet.  To a man.  No woman willingly came up with a pig's ass speaker and thought to put it in a sophisticated magazine.

There is also the bag aversion.  Bags of all sorts.  If they have a lot crap to carry from home, it's not going with them if it doesn't fit into their pockets.  They are not even sure which is worse, a leather man-purse or if you put everything in a handled-shopping bag for them.  And at a store?  If a salesperson asks if they need a bag, their go-to answer is "no."  Doesn't matter what they bought.  They are fine if handed their merchandise in a bag, but the mere act of being questioned sends a message that anyone who needs a bag is a wuss, so therefore, they don't need a bag.

Figuring out the bill and splitting it evenly and then handing in their money also causes angst for our guys.  If everyone owes any amount between $15.01 and $19.99 and everyone has a twenty, no one will admit to wanting/needing change.  They give a casual "whatever" as if it would be too unseemly, too gauche, too downright unmanly to want their change.

It really is no wonder that we women often find men to be inattentive or insensitive.  How can they possibly pay the correct amount of attention to us when their every waking moment is filled with making sure not to seem un-manly or inventing things that make noises like burps and farts?


  1. You forgot the part where they can't sit right next to each other in a movie theater because they will look gay. And yet, those same boys will slap each other's asses on the football field or basketball court.

  2. I believe the proper term for the whole hands-in-the-pants phenomenon is "pocket ball", not sure if it qualifies as a sport, or baseball practice. With four males in my house, there is a lot of practicing.

    I agree with everything else you said. Validation,.....there you go.

  3. This is quite humorous to me, and I want to say that you know some pretty messed up guys if this is in anyway true because I don't know anyone like this at all. Well, maybe the not finishing the beer thing and the group dancing thing is true though. But, that hardly counts because to not finish a beer is wasteful, and dancing is decidedly unmanly regardless of whether or not it is in a group with other men or with a woman/women.

    But, Chunky Mama is right in that we won't usually sit directly next to each other in a theater. That would end up in a fight for the armrest. We also won't pee next to each other in the restroom unless we have to, but for different reasons of which splash back or misfire is in consideration.

    1. I would just like to note that yes, I am sure I know many "messed up guys" and also - I didn't make the pig's ass speaker up, so there seem to be messed up guys out there that I don't know as well.

      Also, just as an aside, you mostly agreed with what I wrote (because we know it's true)so in my head it's like you, a man, agreed with me completely. I am planning to tell my husband men agree with me on this post. :)

  4. I can't contradict you that boys are messed up, but I do think we get a bad rap.

    I know we come off as emotionally stunted hairless chimps, but that’s just because we’re emotionally stunted hairless chimps. You have to remember boys are just half an evolutionary step away from violent, shrieking banana-fueled fascism – a man has more in common, genetically speaking, with a male chimpanzee than he does with his own sister. Which explains a lot about America.

    And I’d defend the insulting nickname and constant teasing among friends as actually more intimate than you think. Boys only do this with their closest friends, where the bond is strong enough to withstand it. So every time they call you “buttface” or tell you not to screw up your interview, they’re in fact saying “our relationship is very important to me.” No, really.

    And as for the pig’s ass speaker…well…butts are funny.

    1. I will keep this all in mind when next I share my opinions on chimps, oops, I mean men. :)

      FYI - comments like "butts are funny" is the main reason I am compelled to write posts like this.

  5. I like this.... hahahahaha


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