Beware: This Could Happen To You

This is merely a representation
exaggerated for humor purposes.
I would never act like this.
 I wouldn't.  You don't know.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but my life is basically over/meaningless.  The Boy will be going to the University of Delaware in the fall and tomorrow he has his orientation.  I will skip over telling you how ridiculous it is that they charge the students AND the parents for orientation (two separate ones of course) and get right to the my life is over part.

I signed on to be the mom of children.  Chil-dren.  Not grown-ups.  *I'm* a grown-up (for argument's sake)!!  How can I be expected to parent what is essentially a contemporary?  I mean, he is starting college and I am practically just out of college - how can I be his parent?  Oh?  What's that you say?  I got out of college almost 25 years ago?  Are you sure?  That just does not sound right.

Sigh.  I don't see how it's fair that I want to be the mother of people I can pick up and cuddle and kiss whenever I want and instead I have a daughter who towers over me and a son whose whiskers rub on my face when I kiss him.  Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of the benefits of older children.  Lots of great things, not the least of which is that I can go wherever I want pretty much whenever I want and don't need a babysitter.  Don't think that's not a dream.  But still, I liked it better when we all agreed I knew best and people begged for my attention.

...Two days later

I didn't finish the post before we left for orientation.  And now I'm back.  And I still think the

You should have seen the
students helping with this.
All cheery and spirited and
welcoming.  Like that was
going to distract me from
being freaked out.

whole thing is bullshit.  First off is the food situation.  The dining situation is nothing like it was when any of us went to college.  There are tons of delicious, attractive, healthful options, offered in a variety of settings.  And, if the dining schedule/menu doesn't work for you on a given day, you can use your flex points for various food court-like options.  These extra options also include mini marts throughout campus, that stay open late, where you can get pre-made meals or fresh produce.  When I was in college, the only dining excitement was if we could find two dining halls in two consecutive days that were serving grilled cheese and waffle fries.  I still don't know what Supreme sauce is, but they used that on a lot of things.  There's no Supreme sauce now.

Oh, and as the parent, you are supposed to pay the bills and fill out the forms, but you can only do that when your student signs into the system and clicks on the "let my parents in to pay you" option.  The law prohibits colleges from giving you any information about your student, but you are still supposed to be completely responsible for making sure everything is taken care of and that your student's account has the proper funds for tuition, books and food.  You are supposed to do this in a non-helicopter parent way.  Essentially, everything I found out at orientation that I am supposed to take care of, I can only do if my kid remembers to check his university e-mail and tell me.  Sounds like an awesome system.

Poor Guy didn't even know how
ridiculous his question sounded.
It's sad when people are in
denial.  Not everyone can be
emotionally healthy like I am.

Overall, orientation was not too traumatizing for most of the parents or kids.  As parents, we all felt a lot better about our coolness and ability to "let go" when during one session a parent (a dad no less) asked if there is anyone that is making sure that kids aren't staying up until 2 in the morning and are eating.  Bahahahahaha!  Good one.  The student panel chuckled and elbowed each other before one of them pulled it together enough to say "No, your student is on their own."

So friends, for those of you a ways off from college, don't worry.  There is always a chance your kid won't get into college and then you won't have to be all freaked out that you have a kid in college.  Because that would make it better, right?  Or, if that sounds like maybe it could end poorly, push your kid to do well and get into a good college, but start upping your drinking now.

How Am I Supposed To Work With These People?

Yes, I'm sure Rosa Parks got her
start being fresh to her mother.

"You can't make me move, I'm like Rosa Parks."  This is what happens when you send children to school and insist they learn things.  SB was blocking my way in the laundry room and that was her response when I asked her to move.  Of course, she then ran away before I could show her that I could, indeed, make her move.

This conversation was reminiscent of the one I had with Boy when he was learning about World War 2 and different kinds of governments.  Throughout that unit I was informed that I was "mean like Hitler," "a fascist dictator," that I "hated democracy," and that I was squelching his First Amendment right to say what he wanted.

More recently, Boy has again had me shaking my head.  He is waiting to hear from colleges.  University of Delaware (where The Party and I and assorted aunts and uncles went) is his first choice.  A big, bright yellow envelope arrives with UD and Congratulations across the top.  I show him when he walked in the door from school.  At first Boy smiles and then asks "Did my TV Guide come too?"  When I stared blankly at him and said "no" he said "well it was supposed to."  You're kidding right?  You haven't even opened your college acceptance letter, but you're worried about the TV Guide?

I have never actually seen a
hen that's blue and that's
a very mannish hen.

Also, when I asked him "Is Delaware still your first choice?"  His answer was "Yeah, I guess.  I haven't really thought about it."  What?!?!  It's spring of your senior year of high school!  Any idea when you might get around to thinking about it?  I have nothing I can work with here!

Do you all see why I need a whistle?!?!  I still maintain that I also need a stun gun, but currently am forced to make do with smacking and/or shoving people.