Monday, March 11, 2013

40 is Bullshit

So then, we can all agree
40 is not the problem?
Before anyone who knows me gets all up in arms, I'm not saying I'm 40.  I know I am 45.  Try reading all the way through before you get worked up and start heckling me.  Sheesh!  Everyone else, sorry for the interruption, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, 40 is bullshit.

There seems to be some imaginary line of demarcation between not yet 40 and 40.  A lot of people seem to be worried about 40 and what it really means (other than you are so not 25 anymore and no one thinks you are).  Here's the thing, 40 is not the problem.  Once you see 40 is totally no big deal, you think you're off the hook and all is well.  And hello ninja sucker punch out of nowhere.

40 is totally the same as 38 or 39.  You will go through the year thinking "I'm cool with this."  41 and 42 may ease by painlessly as well.  Then, one morning, when you are just minding your own business, you will look in the mirror and then suddenly look around behind you to see who is making the reflection in the mirror.  Surely, it can't be you because you didn't have crazy hairs on your face or bags or wrinkles or thinning hair when you went to sleep.  Stop looking around, it's you.

You made it past 40 without needing reading glasses and are all happy?  Caffeine doesn't bother you or keep you awake?  Nothing gives you heartburn?  A rogue sneeze isn't call for a clothing change?  While I am certainly happy for you - give it a minute.  By the way, there will be no warning.  One day you will have your afternoon latte and then the rest of the day will be spent wondering why you have indigestion and wondering why the directions on the Tums bottle are written so small and why all the lights in your house aren't bright enough for reading.  Then, when you're feeling better and lay down to go to sleep, you will have to get up again to pee and then you will be unable to fall asleep because you drank the latte too late in the day.

She claims to be working
with doctors who know
how to stop aging.
Um yeah, keep us posted.
Recently, Suzanne Somers, in an interview for her new book, said that 65 is her sexiest age ever.  First off, good for Suzanne.  If she feels happy and feels good - great.  But, I'm going to have to call a big bullshit on her.  Even being healthy and fit doesn't make you look or feel 25.  She might feel great overall, but she's not rolling out of bed feeling and looking sexy.  She has had work done on her face (but skipped her neck, which is weird and un-matchy), she wears lots of make-up and she either has extensions or is wearing a wig when she is on TV or photographed.  So, no matter how fabulous 65 might be, let's not pretend it's just as easy as 25 (in regard to the physical).

All that said, I wouldn't trade being 45 for being 25 again (I would actually like to send 45-year-old me back in time to straighten a few people out).  I am just saying that there is some mass conspiracy to hide all the little changes to our bodies that come our way long before menopause.  Everyone talks about menopause, but you don't hear anything about what happens after 40-ish and way before menopause.  The creaking joints, the memory issues, the acne (what is that even about) and the inability to even consider starting to go out at 10pm.  It's very hard to be cool when you are trying to be home and in your pajamas by 9:30.  And are wearing dots of zit cream.

You poor unfortunate soul.
It's sad, but true...
The universe has a very odd sense of humor and is clearly not being run by women (or is run by Ursula the Sea Hag).  Oh my God - how fun would it be to list all the things that would be different if the universe were run by women.  I think I am going to get started on that list. 


  1. WAAAHHHH! I turn 40 this August. I already have the 3 renegade THICK hairs that keep sticking out of my neck, I have to get up at least once per night. And I have all the rest of this to look forward to??


  2. Age is but a number, my birthdays haven't been more than a reason to have cake. Getting up from a chair and sounding like a box of rice krispies having milk poured on them - SNAP! Crackle! POP! - that makes me feel old. I think...wait, what was I doing in here? hmpf. I'll let you know when it comes back. ;)

  3. I turned 50 in December and let me tell you, the number even sucks!
    When I go to the Doctor, and they ask last period, they look positively shocked when I say a date last week. To which every single medical professional follows up with "really". Jeez i would hate to go in the Guiness world book of records for the first 50 yr old to still have a damn period.
    I agree with all your changes, especially the skin issues. Never had zits as a teenager and the cosmos is having a hell of a laugh on me now.
    I would go back to my 20 yr old self and say Moisturize!
    Its all good though, at least I can leave my kids without a sitter, have money in my pocket the day BEFORE payday and drive a better car. :)

    1. @Shelly - totally agree with all pros!!

      Wishing you lots of luck for not being the oldest person with a period. :)


Popular Posts