Thursday, November 6, 2014

Settle Down, All Births Are Yucky: A Non-Scary, Yet True, Story

Don't let the hat fool you.  If
they try to give you this baby,
there's been a switch.
Yesterday on Facebook someone posted a link about a woman, who in an attempt to show c-section births can be beautiful too, photographed her friend's c-section.  Insert eye roll.  Every so often articles of this nature pop up on line or in magazines assuring us that whatever way we give birth, it's just great.  Um thanks, we know.  WE ARE MAKING PEOPLE - of course it's great.  Don't get me wrong the photographer/friend was doing something nice, it's the fact that people feel the need to even address this kind of nonsense that makes me bonkers. 

First of all, the only people who think that c-sections are "less than" in some way are the douchy alpha-mom types who think they are the first women to have endured labor and childbirth and that only through their enormous fortitude were they able to survive said activity - in the most perfect and meaningful way.  Was anyone even worried that their c-section made their child's birth less awesome?  No.  No one even thought about that until Alpha-Mom raised her perfectly waxed eyebrow while she was making homemade baby food to freeze ahead of time while you were wasting your time merely trying not to throw up and not to fall asleep at work.

Secondly, relatively speaking, up until like 5 minutes ago, giving birth gave you a better than average chance of dying.  I don't want to in any way belittle the miracle of birth (seriously, you add one teeny tiny outside ingredient to your system, and BAM, a person just starts forming inside you), but there are some serious design flaws.  Now, for most of us, it's a given that we and our babies will survive delivery and be healthy.  Who would possibly have the nerve to complain that the few hours spent delivering their child wasn't enriching enough?  Again, up until recently, no one.  

But, the main point of all this is that ALL BIRTHS ARE YUCKY AND MESSY. And lots of people will be seeing you naked, and not with good lighting. 

1st time moms, cute as this is,
if this is the baby they show
you, something has gone amiss.
**Quick note to expectant first time moms - despite the mess, you will be fine.  Don't let anyone's horror stories get you worried.  You will be fine.  The odds of things going wrong are small and you will likely know ahead of time from your doctor if there is any reason at all to be worried - so remember, you will be fine.**

So, where was I?  Yes, births are yucky and messy.  Yes, they are and you know it.  I have had both a vaginal delivery as well as a c-section.  Obviously, these two births make me an expert on all births.  Before I delivered my son, they papered the floor so it wouldn't get all gory and slippery.  Thankfully, I couldn't see the floor down at that end.  Please note that any old-timey movie birth scenes usually involve screaming mothers, but no papered floors or gore.  Why?  Because no one wants to see that - it's yucky.

C-sections?  Much neater in that they don't have to paper the floors, but they do have to cut you open and move your internal organs around (sometimes actually taking them out and resting them on your stomach, oh my god) to get to your baby.  Again, up until recently, before anesthesia, this wasn't really the way you wanted to give birth since it was usually a last ditch effort, and while they might be able to save your baby, things weren't looking too bright for you.

So, as you see, all births are kind of macabre despite the awesome prize at the end, which is a baby.  Whatever way your baby gets here is the right, best way.  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  

You get what I'm saying, right?
What I will tell you though - DON'T FILM IT!  Think about what's going on down at the baby having end.  Who exactly is your target audience?  Do you think your kids wants to see that?  They do not.  Your husband?  If he says yes, he's lying.  He's. Lying.  Do you really want to see that?  Really?  I saw several birth videos during Prepared Childbirth class.  I am still not 100% recovered.  I am really not recovered from, and cannot un-see, the picture in the book the doctor gave me.  A woman, in an open hospital gown, half-way propped up - with a head coming our of her vagina.  She is just sitting there, legs spread, with a baby head sticking out of her, like it's just a regular day and she's waiting for someone to bring her a soda or something.  Don't do it.

Take Away Points

1.  Don't even think about the right way to give birth.  Whatever you do is right.

2.  When people like Gisele Bundchen say that after her relaxing, wonderful home birth she felt so good she got up and made her family breakfast (not kidding) - ignore her.  She's showing off.  She's the type of mom who acts as if birthing and parenting are easy and always wonderful if you will only apply yourself.  You know magazines use photo shop, right?  This is like that.

3.  All deliveries are messy and not fun.  They are really cool because you get a baby, but it's not going to be your funnest activity ever.  But remember, you will be fine!

4.  Take pictures of your baby once it's been born, not while.  That is not the kind of naked film you want to star in.
Hospitals are not supposed to do this.  If this
happens to you, you should complain loudly.
It's unsafe to put a bag on a baby's head.


  1. I've missed your educational posts. So glad to have one once again :)

  2. While getting prepped for my daughter's birth one of the nurses presumptively wheels out this HUGE mirror (seriously, it was the size that people have in their bedrooms and then regret because they see the reflection of someone hiding under the bed in it) asking if I. wanted. to. watch!!!!!!! Ewwww!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, if I was meant to see that I'd be that flexible. Apparently my "No" was forceful enough that she didn't even ask twice, just rolled it back from whence it came and the mirror was never mentioned again.

    When my son was born (both kids ended up c-section deliveries, 'cause I like not dying) they had put up that blue sheet separating my face from the c-section. These nurses were OBSESSED with asking me whether anyone had told me that the blue sheet smelled like a beach ball. Um, yeah, got it. Don't really care. Extricate this baby now please.


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