Monday, April 7, 2014

Concern Of The Day - Episode 2

Episode 2 is somewhat related to Episode 1 in that a bathtub is involved.  But, today's episode is more focused on me and my personal travails.  As you read on, there is a slight chance you may not be able to really muster up any sympathy for me.  Nonetheless, I feel compelled to share because if I can save one person from the humiliation of floating to the top of her tub, then I know I will have made the world a better place.

Essentially, I am willing to risk being mocked in order to help you.  You're welcome.  I live to help people.  You know, the whole ray of sunshine thing.

Anyhoo, the tub...

So, the Reader's Digest version is that a few years back we decided to build an addition on our house rather than move.  The architect said that even though I thought we didn't need/want a Jacuzzi-type tub we should really consider it because when we go to sell the house that is a feature that people will expect to see in a remodeled bathroom.  Fast forward past our acquiescence and right to me searching for the perfect tub.

Clearly, the perfect tub is as big as you can get into the space.  It's important that 2 adults or 7 children can fit into said tub.  Tub should be big enough that it requires a full day's worth of hot water to fill.
Doesn't this look like the perfect sized tub?
Yeah, that's not the tub I got.
My beautiful multi-jet tub was perfectly incorporated into our dream bathroom.  I couldn't have been happier.  Until I went to take a bath.  Before I tell you what happened, I will tell you that just last week I decided that I was probably remembering the whole thing (from several years ago) in a skewed fashion and that it really couldn't have been that bad.  I decided I would take another bath with a fresh and open mind and enjoy relaxing and reading in my spacious and aquarific tub.  Sigh.  I will now recount for you what happened then and just again last week.  Remember, this is a cautionary tale, take heed.

Prepare yourself, this gets ugly.  I turn the water on to fill the tub.  I get my bath pillow, my book, my towel, I use my fancy dimmer switch to make the lights just right.  The door is locked, no one can come in to bother me.  Clothes are off and I'm ready to go.  13 minutes later after sitting around with no clothes on reading my book on the edge of the tub, it's finally full.

I'm in.  The trouble begins.  First, the pillow won't stay in place.  Okay, no problem, we're skipping the pillow.  I get the jets going.  That is really loud in my ears.  Alright then, less jets.  Here comes the relaxing.  Yes, I will be relaxing in just one minute as soon as I get in a comfortable position.  Oh wait, there is no comfortable position!  You know why?!?!?  The tub's too big!  When I lean against the back in a good reclining position my feet do not reach the other end of the tub.  So, I just keep sliding down and under the water.  That's until my feet reach the other side.  Then I start to float to the top because none of me is leaning against anything.  I am not even exaggerating.

New approach.  I will sit up and bend my knees so my feet are on the bottom of the tub.  Yes, I am now not floating or slipping under water.  And the whole top half of me is out of the tub.  Awesome.  End of bath.
This lady is full of crap.  A real person
would have a more bitter look on her face.
Most of her is out of the tub.  You know
she has to be freezing cold.

Here are your take-aways:
  1. Unlike pizza and cake - when it comes to tubs, less is more.  Go smaller.
  2. Just like makeup and cleavage - when it comes to tubs, less is more.  Go smaller.
  3. If you need a sweater to keep your top half warm in the tub, your tub is too big.
  4. There is nothing sexy about floating to the top of your tub.  This is why it's important to always keep the bathroom door locked.
  5. You do not need a tub that fits two people.  Really, think about it.  How much time do you think you have that you can take enough romantic baths a deux to make a giant tub a sound financial decision?


  1. Exactly why we've lived here 14 years, have a garden tub, and I've taken probably 2 baths in it! I've used it for storage to have a yard sale. I've even put the baby tubs in it to give them baths. I vaguely remember trying to use it to bathe a dog with more hassle than using the removable sprayer on the small tub. The kids have used it more as not only when they were infants in the baby tubs, but when I could run 2" of water and they could splash around. I mean really, relaxing in a ginormous tub? HA! I totally agree.

    1. But why did I never hear about this BEFORE I got the biggest tub ever? It's a big tub conspiracy.

  2. Wish I could have seen it. Guess that would have been wildly inappropriate at your current age. Will go back and see if there's an earlier photo.
    Love, Mom


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