Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What the Hey!? I'm Just Tryna Get a Soda! or #TheStruggleIsReal

That is just the
There is this new-fangled thing that I don't know if you guys have seen.  My cousin referred to as a "freestyle" soda machine.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  The giant monstrosity of a soda machine that has a whole potpourri of choices and buttons and if you push the wrong thing you can accidentally go back in time (No, not a TARDIS, dorks.  Pay attention, I didn't say it looked like a phone booth).

It is a never ending labyrinth of buttons.  You want a Coke?  Great!  Do you want ice?  Do you want it to be Diet Coke?  Do you want caffeine?  Do you want flavor in your Coke?  What flavor?  A lot or a little?  Would you like to know the top 5 flavor choices people have made in the last 11 days?  What size cup are you using?  Is the cup placed in the correct filling location?  Did you call your mother this week?  Did you eat a piece of fruit today?  It's never ending!!!

SEE!!  And that's not even the end!!  You still have
to input your blood type and when you had your last mammogram.
Please note, the needed NFM button is nowhere.
This is entirely too much pressure and stress and work for a soda.  What they need is a
Never Fucking Mind button so you can leave and just go get a bottle of water.  Honestly, the machine "boasts" 100 drink choices.  You know what, stop boasting.  Did you ever hear of a little thing called Less is More?  And does anyone ever clean that thing out? By the end of the day any soda you choose has to taste like one big disgusting blend of all the flavors (like when you try to make tea after coffee in the Keurig).

I am well aware that there may possibly be some more pressing world issues, but those are mostly out of my control (Trump's hair and fake tan for one).  I feel that if we all band together, we can, FOR FREE, hassle the soda industry via the internet and get back real soda machines.  What's the down side here?  A free form of entertainment AND social change for us - perfect!

Quality of life issues should not be dismissed.  If we can fix this problem, there's no stopping
This could be any teenage bagger.
She thinks you just have to
wave the bags and food will
jump in on its own?
us.  We can probably find a way to get supermarkets to teach their teenage staff to load grocery bags in a way that doesn't make you want to punch them as you leave the store.  But let's not get carried away just yet.

So, let me know how your local campaigns go to rid the world of the scourge that is freestyle soda machines.

The End.


  1. Oh I am totally with you. I like being able to get whatever I want, but I HATE standing behind some numbskull just randomly pushing button to try to figure out what they want, and of course, there is only ONE machine, and 14 people are lined up to push 100 buttons and get confused (Get out of the way, Gramma!!) and I only have 30 minutes for lunch and heaven knows, if I show up one minute late that bitch Linda is going to send another message to the union rep asking why the rules are fairly applied, and so just let me get my damn Coke and get back to work, you idiots!!!

    But honestly,until you mentioned it, I never gave it much thought. As you can tell. I'm not one to stress over these things.

    I hope Linda's head gets stuck in one of these machines.

  2. When they first came out down here in the ATL (aka the land of coca cola) I found a new level of hell - get to a restaurant that has them, and have a gigantic gaggle of kids be there *just* before you. If the waiting on kids to make "suicide" (mixed of everything) drinks doesn't make you hostile, finally getting to the machine to find out they are out of basically everything from said herd of kids making suicide drinks and you don't know until you've went through 4 menus for each drink - that should get your cardio workout going. Oh, you'll outsmart them all and just get a tea from the neighboring carafe? HA! You have to wait in the same line for ice!! Mwa ha ha!
    Luckily this has only happened twice, and the 2nd time I went to the counter and asked them to make my drink. :D Take THAT kids!!
    I'd rather pay less and just get a regular coke, thankyouverymuch! The drink prices at restaurants is getting out of control.
    Miss you DTC!! ♥

    1. so funny that you mentioned that! in my post I was going to use that but figured not everyone knew what a "suicide" was. ha!

    2. My dad has a funny story about that. One day, long before he'd even met my mom (so, EONS ago!), he was in line at some fast food place and this lady and her son were in line in front of him, and the son was begging her for a suicide but she would. not. give. in. So she orders him whatever normal drink she determines he should have and they scoot over to wait for their food. So my dad moves up to order his food, and when the server asks what he wants to drink he mumbles out, "A suicide" while steadily NOT making eye contact with the mom and her son. My dad is awesome.

    3. did you Dad wink at the kid and drink it in front of him. :)

    4. No, he felt pretty bad for the kid, though I would have said, "Just wait until you're an adult and can order WHATEVER you want!"

  3. But I LOVE that I can get raspberry ginger ale. Yes. I am that asshole.

    1. I suppose one must admit to some up sides. :)

  4. I didn't know what suicide was.

  5. Gotta say, I LOVE this machine! Mostly because it is the only place in the world that I can get a raspberry Coke, and let myself live in the delusion that Coke actually monitors the combinations people make and someday soon they will decide that so much raspberry Coke is made at my local Five Guys that they should start selling it in cans at my local grocery store RIGHT BEHIND FIVE GUYS. It could happen, don't tell me it won't.

    But my beef with it? They couldn't leave the machine alone. They had to tweak the home screen that used to give me one choice, but now gives me four choices, the normal "all options", fruit flavors, diet drinks, and some other combination that I didn't even bother to look at because I KNOW the "all options" choice will get me to the normal screen that I want. But can I convince my kids of this? Noooooo! They try to convince me that I have to go through the fruit flavor option instead of my preferred "all options" option because they want fruit flavors. And now I feel all stabby just thinking about this, and Five Guys is all the way across town and doesn't open for hours yet so I can't get a raspberry Coke. See what you're putting me through, Coca-Cola???????

    Umm, hmm, yeah I've had a shitty week, so this post lets me rant about something totally unimportant and first world. Thanks!

    1. that's what we're here for - possible soda fantasy scenarios and ranting! You've come to the right place.


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