Tuesday, July 21, 2015

That's Not a Grilled Cheese

Let me start off being crystal clear.  Grilled cheese is very important.  Grilled cheese pretty much holds together the fabric of society.  If you need me to explain why, then please know that I am sad that you don't know how empty and and small your life is.  But don't worry, I do still love and accept you.  I mean, I'm still going to talk about you behind your back, but with love and acceptance.

Anyhoo, back to grilled cheese. I think the folks at Pinterest and the assorted recipe sites on
That is a fun grilled cheese.
Cheese on the inside AND
on the outside.
line need to understand that just because something has melted cheese on it, it's not automatically a grilled cheese.  A cheeseburger for instance.  That is a burger with cheese.  It's not a grilled cheese with a burger.  The burger is the star.  Right?  No one is trying to give the cheese top billing or trick anyone.  Even when you grill it on rye bread and call it a patty melt and make it look more grilled cheesy, it's still a cheeseburger (I don't really get what's the deal with a patty melt or why it's called that, probably some communist thing).

This recipe for this Mushroom grilled cheese... not a grilled cheese.  It's a grilled mushroom sandwich with cheese on it.  And yes, there is a difference.  One is a grilled, crispy, cheesy delight that someone added mushrooms to (for some unknown reason) and one is this sandwich.  This sandwich will make you sad because you will be expecting yum and what you will be getting is a big mouthful of mushrooms.

That is a grilled cheese fail.  Too
much bacon.  And how are you
going to eat that?  It's gonna be
all greasy and when you bite into it
cheese is going to go everywhere.
Cheese is the star.  Cheese is the main ingredient. Whatever bread you want, whatever cheese you want, knock yourself out.  But, you are not supposed to add so much other stuff that cheese is not the first thing you taste.  This is even true of bacon.  Yummy and delicious, but you can't have more bacon than cheese.

So, at this point you are probably wondering "WTF DTC, are you drunk?  Who needs a whole tirade on grilled cheese?  Why are you so troubled over this?"

I will tell you why!  After I read the below-listed post, I was so distressed that the future of America, really, the whole world was in jeopardy that I felt I needed to speak up and let people know we are going to hell in a handbasket.  And believe you me, that's no way to travel.  58 Grilled Cheeses Worth Selling Your Soul For is clearly a plot to take over the world (I haven't figured out whose yet).

Disagree?  What kind of monster thinks a grilled cheese has chocolate, peanut butter and cream cheese in it?  Mascarpone cheese and Peeps?!?!  Peeps?!  Are you kidding me?!  Not horrified enough?  What do you think of a sandwich that calls itself a grilled cheese that is made from two chocolate chip cookies and cheddar cheese?  That's just ruining both things!

The article is very clever in that they throw several extremely tasty options in there to lure
Another Fail.
Picture looks good but then
you see the words 

vegan mozzarella.  
you in; true grilled cheeses.  But then they share that you can "grill" your sandwich with an iron.  Sure you can.  If you want to ruin your iron and burn your counter.  Go right ahead.  

I cannot even tell you about #27 (check at your own risk).  Was coming up with these options part of a drinking game?  I mean I actually cringed when I read #27.  Is it any wonder that America is in a tailspin when people are grilling sandwiches with Funfetti cake mix and ricotta?  I am not making this up - go look!!!  

With Pinterest being an unregulated clearinghouse of society-crushing recipes, it's going to be hard to stop these types of grilled cheeses from sneaking their way onto restaurant menus and cooking competition shows, but I am going to try my hardest by raising awareness.  I see our awareness ribbon looking like it's made of swiss cheese.

Now that I have shared my concerns with you, I feel a lot better.  Besides my grilled cheese awareness work, I feel like I can also start to focus on other Pinterest travesties that are wreaking havoc worldwide.  Things like figuring out why there is a push to put a fried egg on everything. Things like figuring out why people are being tricked into thinking they can tile their own bathrooms or cook things that have 43 ingredients, 17 of which are not obtainable in the United States.


  1. Travesty. I appreciate the warning and did NOT go see the linked article. I choose my grilled cheese to be grilled cheese and want to sleep at night in ignorance to the crazy blasphemous variations mentioned. Thank you for the PSA and another reason to continue avoiding Pinterest. Miss ya DTC!!! :D

  2. You probs should stop reading. It seems hazardous to your well-being. I worry.
    Love, Mom

  3. Gross. I looked at the first five and that was all I could take.

  4. I can appreciate your concern, but I have had fantastic vegan cheeses. Quite decadent vegan cheeses in fact. I'm sure my sister could make a mean vegan grilled cheese. The bigger problem there is that it takes at least a week for you to make the cheese yourself (because store bought vegan cheese is just nasty) and who wants to wait a week for a grilled cheese!

    And I did not look up #27 because I was grossed out enough by the thought of peeps on a grilled cheese . . .

    BTW . . . you rock!

    1. I will try to overlook your support of vegan cheese because of my fondness for you. And, in the spirit of maturity, I will even concede that perhaps homemade vegan cheese could be an acceptable food. :)


  5. I have no words. Gonna go retch now.

  6. Of all the damned hipster nonsense. I couldn't get past the writers--they probably refer to themselves as curators--calling a Corned Beef and Cabbage sandwich a grilled cheese. No. See, this sandwich already exists and it's called Corned Beef and Cabbage.

  7. Buttered bread, cheese, that's it. Nothing else.


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