The Only Parenting Tips You'll Ever Need

These books = 2 cocktails,
dinner and dessert.

There are a lot of books and scientific studies that offer help so you can be a better parent.  The problem is that all these tips are really meant to make your child's life happier, not yours.  I think what we all really need are tools to put in our parenting tool belts that make US happier.  Because, let's be honest, if WE are happier, then our children will be happier.  Okay, maybe our children won't be happier, but they'll be fine.  And really, if only one group can be happy, shouldn't it be the group doing all the work and footing all the bills (and cleaning up all the puke)? 


Tip #1
Do not let other parents make your feel guilty if you know you are making the best choice for your child.  They are just trying to validate what they are doing by putting your way down.

This means that when Alpha-Mom approaches you as you are bottle feeding your baby, and with a look of horror says "You're giving your baby poison a bottle?!?!?" you do not, under any circumstances, start to explain yourself.  We all know breast feeding is considered best, but it does not work out for everyone for an assortment of reasons.  All that matters is that you are feeding your baby.

There are two ways to go here so you will feel happy and Alpha-Mom will not.  You can answer by saying "Of course I am, if I breastfeed I can't get the baby to drink the vodka so she'll sleep better."  Or, if Alpha-Mom is especially annoying (read in perfect shape one week after delivering her baby and nursing while she is talking to you), you can tell her you can't nurse because the anti-rejection medicine you take to keep your body from rejecting your donor lungs is bad for the baby.  You should then cough a little and sound wheezy.

Real babies are much
cuter which is how they
win you over.  It would be
easy to say no if babies
looked like this.

Tip #2
DO NOT CAVE!!!

I can't say this any more clearly.  If you say no to your child and then give in after a tantrum, you might as well get "sucker" tattooed right onto your forehead.  These people smell weakness.  If you give in once, you are doomed forever and any grown up who sees you cave will be secretly mocking you.

Don't be afraid/ feel guilty if your child cries.  No one ever died from crying.  And let me tell you this, if you tell your child "no" or something else he doesn't want to hear, and he doesn't cry - then he's not listening.  Say it louder.







Tip #3
Physically hurting your child is never okay.

BUT, sometimes your child will need to be shoved or pushed a little.  This is different than hitting because you are just gently directing your child in the direction she needs to go.  The main purpose here is to get your child to do what you are asking and annoy her a little for not cooperating in the first place.  The feeling of satisfaction you'll get will totally outweigh any guilt you might feel (you won't feel that bad after the first few times).



Tip #4
Children only look like tiny people.  They are really aliens inside of people bodies.

If you try to remember this you will not be so alarmed and appalled by their behavior.  Reminding yourself of this will keep you from having to drink so much to deal with the confusion.

See, children are so ridiculous they
will not even listen to reason.

I know you may be skeptical of what I am telling you, but if you think about it, it really makes sense.  Their behavior is abberant and this is the only explanation.  In nature, a small animal (say a racoon) does not go up to a bigger animal (say a lion) and start making trouble.  The racoon knows to stay clear of the lion or he will get mauled and then eaten.  Children do not understand this concept.


In nature, a baby animal will eat what its mother brings him because he is hungry and has no ability to get food on his own.  A human child will complain and refuse to eat.  That is just not right. Somewhere around their early twenties, the alien will leave your child's body and find a new child to inhabit.  It is only then you will notice your child might be starting to act like a regular person.



I think you now have the basics to be a happier parent.  You will now not have to waste time and money reading book after book that explains how you can alter your behavior and actions to accommodate the whims of your tiny tyrant.  You should take the money I have just saved you and pay a babysitter and go out to dinner.


Lastly, I can't think of any way to make this a parenting tip, but I just have to tell you about the lady with the scissors in her stomach.  We can count it as learning about world news because it happened in Lyon, France.  So, this lady has abdominal surgery.  Afterwards she complains of ongoing abdominal pain.  Fast forwards FIVE MONTHS.  They finally do an x-ray AFTER she realizes they left a scissors in her during surgery.  How did she realize you might ask?  She realized because, during a coughing fit...the scissors came poking out of her navel!!!!  Upsettingly, there was no picture of that.  Just one, that AOL won't let me copy, of the x-ray, which was boring.  She is apparently suing the doctor.  Ya think??  I think you know what my response to this doctor is.  Whistle.  And smack.