If You Don't Know, Now You Know...

We are branching out today.  The Party doesn't like when I mention him too much because he says I'm making fun of him (I'm totally not), so I thought we'd talk about something else besides him.  Something that is very hush hush in most of our suburban communities.  Rap music.  It makes great dance music, but the artists need some help.


I have previously brought this topic up on my personal Facebook page, but apparently, that communication method did not reach the intended audience.  Hopefully, I will have more success using my blog to convey my message.  Although, I am not exactly sure how many rappers or people of the hip hop persuasion are checking out my blog.  Definitely more than are checking out my Facebook page.

Shout out to the
rappers from Philly.

I am all about rap and hip hop and am old enough to have been around right as it took off as an accepted main stream genre of music.  I even remember Will and Jazz refusing to attend the Grammys because the category they won for wasn't going to be televised.  So really, I'm not new here. (editors note - Will and Jazz DID go I found out.  They were part of the group deciding whether or not to, but ultimately went, although some other rappers did not.  But still, you get my point)


So, for all my rappers and hip hopsters, I want you to know that I am totally feelin' ya and I totally get that some of what you write and rap about is beyond my personal experiences.  But, I am pretty sure that I can still offer you some tips that will help you grow as entertainers and musicians.  


1.  You can't just make stuff rhyme.  It actually has to make sense.  To someone other than yourself.  And yes, Nicki Minaj, I happen to be looking at you right now.


This is from one of Nicki's latest (she is by no means the only offender):
I said, excuse me you're a hell of a guy
I mean my, my, my, my you're like pelican fly
I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie
You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye.


2.  Find a new prefix for your name.  We are all full up with "Lil'" and "Young" and "MC."  If you don't want to use your real name, think of something that doesn't use one of those three words.  Also, pick one name.  Your rap name is a nick name.  You don't need a nick name of your nick name (hello Lil' Wayne/Weezy).  And stick with whatever name you pick.  We shouldn't have to guess who people are talking about or that you'll get offended by being called the wrong name (can you say Puffy/P.Diddy).


3.  We do not need one more song that talks about strippers, stripper poles, rolls of money, booties, poppin' bottles or how you like to be with more than one woman at a time.


4.  The blinged out grill.  No.  You might as well just wear a shirt that says, "I ran out of cars to put fancy spinners on."

There is nothing to
say here but "NO!!!"

5.  This is more aimed towards the radio stations..."G" rated versions my friends.  There is plenty of rap that I like even thought it's crude, offensive, politically incorrect, raunchy or way curse-filled - but I don't want to hear it on the radio at noon on a Saturday.  Radios stations bleep out the "f" bomb or the "n" word, but apparently, "bitch," "ho," "hell," and "ass" are all fine for children to hear and sing along to.  Also awesome hearing little girls singing "do me" or "can you get it up."


6.  Pants worn way low.  It's over.  It's not urban or cool, it looks like you are wearing a Hip Hop costume.  Further, if you insist on it anyway, we only need like an inch of underwear to get your message.  If you can't even take a full stride because your pants are at the top of your thighs, they are too low no matter what.


7.  Below are some rappers who, while are often lewd or crude, do a great job.  Their songs/raps are catchy and make sense.  Some are even downright clever and thoughtful.  Give a listen.

Both Tupac and Biggie are still making
money from their albums.  I can't make that
kind of $$ and I'm alive!

Tupac Shakur
Biggie Smalls
Jay-Z
Ludacris
50 Cent
Eminem
Run DMC


As our "rap" up (get it - bahahaha), I will point out, as I did previously on Facebook, that I am willing to bet than anyone reading this over the age of 50 does not know what comes after "the roof is on fire."  No cheating, you can't go Google it.  Oh - and I will totally let you know when all my thank you e-mails from the entertainment world start pouring in.