Evil Geniuses

Do you see Ron and his
dehydrator taunting you?
What if there aren't any left!?!

There are many many products that come onto the market that seem like they will be awesome, but end up kind of sucking.  Or, at the very least, not being all that awesome/useful/innovative.  The Ron Popeils of the world can get us to watch a half-hour long commercial and convince us that we cannot live another day if we can't rotisserie our own chickens in the comfort of our own homes.  Right now!!  And, might as well get a jump start on things and and up your blood pressure meds because you will never be able to overcome the panic you are feeling knowing that people all over the world are already eating pounds of dehydrated fruits and vegetables they have dehydrated themselves while you are still trying to jot down the web site and get one yourself before they all sell out.


Most of the interest in these products kind of dies out once enough people buy them and tell their friends that whatever it is is "only okay" (hello Snuggie and potato peeling gloves).  The problem is when someone comes up with an idea that enough people can get on board with and stay on board with.   Then the rest of us must then constantly remind ourselves that said products might be good for others, but are just not for us (I am looking at you George Forman Grill and Epilady).  Basically, these products work for some, but not others.  More specifically, these products require more work and effort than I am willing to put forth for something that is supposed to be awesome and easy (and painless) to use and clean up, but isn't really.


There are several inventions/ideas that people have been clinging to as if they (the inventions/ideas) are fabulous and cutting edge and the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Luckily for you, I am here to warn you about them and explain to you why they are not so awesome.  I am also considering starting various petitions to get them banned.

That is the $180 Porsche
Mechanical Pencil.
Also called the "A fool
and his money are soon
parted" pencil.

Mechanical Pencils
Hideously stupid disguised as clever.  I suppose the draw (get it, bahaha) was that you never have to deal with pesky pencil sharpeners again?  At least when you use a pencil sharpener you get a sharp point.  A mechanical pencil starts out dull and gets duller.  It's bad enough having to use a pencil at all (for math or standardized tests), but now you have saddled yourself with a pencil that's always dull and smudgy and if you press too hard (or at all) will snap.  Once it snaps you get push the button at the top and hope you get the right amount of lead to come down.  Not too much.  Not too little.  Oh, and now you are writing on a jagged uneven edge from where you broke the last part.


If I haven't convinced you yet that mechanical pencils are stupid, let me just throw in there that you can't even use them for anything "official" because they are not #2 lead pencils.  Why we need a #2 pencil for everything and why all pencils aren't #2s is a whole other issue.  So, what you have is a dull-pointed mechanical pencil, which costs more than a regular pencil, that you can't even use for all your pencil needs.  Oh yeah - and they don't even all have erasers on them.  Again, tell me why people like these and keep buying them,


Silk Scarves
Back in the 1600s, or some other non-21st century era, men wore what I would describe as puffy, scarfy, tie-like items.  I assume this is the basis for women and male gondola drivers to wear scarves.  Every so often some magazine tells you how you can spice up your wardrobe and look urbane and more professional by strategically tying a scarf around your neck or shoulders.  Big eye roll.  Unless you are in a magazine, you are going to look like you are wearing an outfit and then added a scarf.  At some point there must have been a gang of scarf designers who realized no one really needs a scarf that doesn't even keep your neck warm.  These people are who probably started the trend.


No one ever looks like they meant to wear a scarf.  It rarely just blends.  Plus, and here's the most important reason not to wear a scarf, you pretty much are going to look like a cowboy who swapped out his bandanna for a fancy, silky bandanna.  Fact.  Maybe if you throw on a beret and a striped shirt you will look like the aforementioned gondola driver (I don't know what they are really called).  Add a cigarette and perhaps you can go for the French male artist look.  But you see how a scarf is not going to help your outfit though, right?


Sweaters worn in an "alternative" manner
You will note your preppy-types or country club set are able to throw their sweaters over their shoulders and tie the sleeves in a jaunty knot in the front and look ever so put together and darling.  I assume the person who came up with this look sold sweaters and had a lot to sell.  I get not wanting to carry your sweater if the weather changes, but this look is deliberate, not consequential.

This is the kind of person
who has your money and
his mocking you with
 his rich friends.

If I am wearing a sweater and then decide to tie it around my shoulders, I look like I am wearing a cape.  And, to be clear, by "I" I mean almost everyone in the world except rich people on yachts and my friend Irina.  If you tie your sweater around your neck you are going to look like your sweater is attacking you from behind and you are going to stretch out the sleeves of the sweater.  The latter part of that statement confirms my suspicion about the the surplus of sweaters that needed to be sold as the dawn of this trend.  If I am selling sweaters and I get you to stretch yours out so you can't wear it regular, you will need a new sweater.  Voila, I am a rich sweater merchant laughing at people around the world in their sweater capes.


A last note on sweaters; don't tie it around your waist either.  That is not ever fashionable, and unless you are under 10, not cute.  It stretches your whole sweater and makes your ass look big.  Its' like a full-body fanny pack.  Enough said.


Those are the three products/ideas that bother me most (at this time) and that I think the world has been scammed into believing are invaluable.  There are rich entrepreneurs on some tropical island somewhere laughing and laughing at all the people wearing scarves and sweaters and trying to write with mechanical pencils.  Don't let yourself be part of their evil conspiracy.